All Roads Lead Home
"Take care of yourself, Remus. Hopefully we'll see you soon," says Arthur Weasley, shaking Remus Lupin's hand.
"I hope so, too. I'm grateful for all that you and Molly have done for me, like letting me spend Christmas here."
"Don't be silly, Remus! You're welcome here any time you like," answers Molly Weasley, who has just come from the kitchen, carrying an enormous parcel wrapped in brown paper.
"You heard her," grins Arthur.
"Here, take this," urges Molly, all but shoving the parcel into Remus's arms.
"Thank you," he replies, genuinely thankful that even after eating the Weasley family's food for the past few days, he is still given leftovers to take with him.
"You're welcome," comes Molly's reply.
Remus opens the door and turns his back at the Weasleys, ready to step into the windy night. He is stopped by Molly's voice calling his name.
"It's Christmas, Remus. Go home," she says, looking at him in a somewhat scolding manner.
He doesn't answer her. What on earth does she even mean by that? He doesn't have a home, he has nothing! No family, no home, no future. Sure, he knows Molly wants him with Tonks, but she can't really think that he would see her home as his as well, not anymore at least. Remus takes the few steps needed to leave the wards of the Burrow and Disapparates, heading exactly for the place he is supposed to.
He takes form again in the middle of the forest he's become so familiar to in the past five months or so. The spot he's picked is located about a mile from the camp and he has used it as an Apparition point as well as a hiding place for his wand.
The wintry forest is dark, the only light provided by the waning moon and the stars above him. The air would have been frosty even without the howling wind that has apparently brought a snow storm with it. The white flakes have just began to descend.
Sighing, he places the brown parcel onto the ground carefully and turns to the tree he uses to hide his wand. He crouches down and sticks his hand with the wand into the roots. Suddenly he hears something. Something that sounds like a human gasping. He turns slowly, but of course sees nothing in the darkness. It could be a muggle, he tries telling himself. If one of the ferals had found him, they would surely have attacked him already. So he stays still, waiting for the other person to make a move, hoping they would just leave. When that doesn't happen, he pulls his wand back out from the roots, still hoping he will not have to use it.
He stands up very slowly and raises his wand to light it, but his opponent is faster; red sparks flash and then he is lying on the ground, unable to move. Was this the end for him? He swallows, ready to meet his maker. For a fraction of a second, his Dora's face flashes before his eyes, her hair bright pink and her dark brown eyes sparkling with laughter the way they used to. When he hears her voice as well, he figures he has to be hallucinating and death is going to come any second. However, it never comes. Instead, red sparks flash once more and he is able to move again.
"I'm so sorry, Remus, I had no idea it was you," says a quiet voice. Her voice.
He nearly tears up at the sound of it, for he hasn't heard it in months. Holding back the tears, he forces himself to look at her. She looks far worse than he's imagined, her hair hanging limp on her shoulders and her eyes devoid of their usual twinkle. Still, he sees love in her eyes, and he can't help but revel in it, as there will surely be a day when she will not look at him that way anymore. It's a wonder that day hasn't arrived yet, but he knows it will, eventually.
"It's all right, Tonks. What are you doing here?" He asks, his voice harsher than he'd intended it.
She goes into defensive mode immediately.
"If you're suggesting that I knew you were going to be here, you're wrong! Not that I even owe you an explanation but I decided to get some fresh air and came here because my dad used to take me camping here when I was younger. I was feeling lonely, so I cast a patronus, which started to run into this direction, I followed it and then you appeared."
"I'm sorry," he replies softly, not wanting to fight with her.
She sighs and shakes her head. "It's fine. But what are you doing here?"
"The camp is not very far from here. I leave my wand here. You should go, it's too dangerous." Her eyes flash angrily again.
"Don't tell me what's dangerous, Remus. I face danger every single day, and I don't need your advice."
Now it is his turn to sigh. He always ends up saying the wrong things, but it is good that she is angry at him, as he doesn't want her to miss him. Or at least that is what he tells himself. Before he has a chance to answer her, she speaks again.
"Remus, don't you have gloves?" He is quite stunned by the sudden change in her tone. Now she sounds genuinely worried.
He twists his bare hands, trying to hide them in his pockets, but she grabs them before he can do that.
"Your hands are stone cold even now, you'll have frost bites in no time. Here, take my gloves, we'll just make them bigger for you," she drops his hands and removes her leather gloves.
"I can't take them," he manages to get out.
"Of course you can, and you will. You know that I always keep another pair with me, in case I lose the original one."
He doesn't bother fighting her over this issue. After all, they are just a pair of gloves and he does need them. She makes quick work with the charm and soon he is able to put the gloves on.
"Thank you," he says.
"You're welcome. I don't like thinking that you're somewhere out there, freezing," she says softly.
"Have you had supper yet?"
"No, not really. I haven't been that hungry lately."
"Well, Molly gave me some leftovers and I guess we could share them if you wanted to."
He doesn't know whether it is the spirit of Christmas or merely the fact that he has been going insane without her that possesses him to suggest a winter picnic in the middle of the night, but he isn't sorry.
She seems a bit taken aback by his suggestion, which is no surprise considering their current situation, but soon she smiles a little and then nods at him.
"I'd like that," she says.
Remus picks up their dinner from the ground and starts walking further away from the camp. Sure, they could Apparate, but at the moment, he craves her presence and walking with her in the cold forest will give him more time with her before the inevitable separation. Without saying a thing, they follow a path that has recently been trampled only by small animals.
He wants to take her as far away from Greyback and his minions as possible, so he doesn't stop walking at the first sight of a suitable spot. However, she doesn't complain and he thinks she might be feeling the same way as he is. Deprived.
Eventually he figures they are as far as they are going to get at that point.
"I think this would be a good spot," he says.
She nods.
"I'll set up some wards so that we can make a fire," she replies, already casting the charms needed to hide them and their fire from muggles, wizards and werewolves alike.
As she finishes casting the charms, he gets their fire going and opens the parcel where he expects to find their dinner. Sure, there are leftovers; a huge chunk of turkey, a small bottle of gravy, some vegetables, fresh bread and some pudding. However, there is something else as well. A soft, lumpy package wrapped in bright red and green gift paper. He knows who it's for even before reading the note attached to the it. Happy Christmas to Tonks. Love, Molly
"Err, it seems that you've got a Christmas present from Molly," he says. She turns around to look at him and the present.
"Oh," is all she can manage.
She crouches down next to him and takes the soft parcel. Removing her gloves first, she rips the package open to reveal a midnight blue jumper. He got one in the same color only this morning. At first he thinks they're perfectly identical, but as she unfolds the jumper, he sees he's wrong and gasps. On the front of the jumper is a huge silvery wolf, surrounded by an equally silvery landscape. Her patronus. The garment is bewitched, he realizes, as he sees the wolf moving gracefully around its surroundings.
"Wow, Molly's really outdone herself this year," she murmurs, still staring at the picture.
She seems uncertain of what to do with the jumper at the moment, but eventually reaches a decision. He watches as she unclasps her winter cloak, removes her robes and the green jumper she's wearing and replaces it with the new one. She doesn't say anything, she doesn't even look at him. Finally she puts her robes and cloak back on and faces him.
"So, how about that supper, then?" she says, as if there's nothing to talk about her new jumper or the fact that she put it straight on.
They eat in silence. Or actually, he watches her as she eats. He doesn't feel terribly hungry as it has been only a few hours since he enjoyed a generous meal with Harry and the Weasleys. Still, he takes some turkey and vegetables to keep her company. She looks like she doesn't even taste the food she's eating, she merely puts a piece into her mouth, chews slowly and then swallows. It's like she doesn't care and eats only to humor him.
At last she decides to stop pretending to enjoy her food and looks at him.
"Do you want to talk about it?" She asks quietly.
He wants to tell her everything, all the revolting things he has seen, the guilt he has felt for failing in his mission, the horror of feeling that he's losing himself, all of it. And he wants her to hold him and tell him that he's done the best he could, and none of the awful things happened are his fault and he's still the same Remus she got to know. He knows he's selfish for wanting all that, for wanting to burden her with all those things when she has enough to worry about as it is, especially after how he's treated her, but she's the only one he really wants to talk to. She's the only one who feels close enough.
When they were involved before, she never had to bear the stigma of being with a werewolf, as they never went out together when she wasn't morphed, so no one recognized her. To her it was simply about not attracting any suspicions from other Ministry workers, to protect the Order, but to him it wasn't just about that. He was afraid of what people would say, of how they would treat her, as even in the Order there were people who didn't accept them. So perhaps it will do good for her to hear everything, maybe she'll even realize how ridiculous the idea of them together truly is.
Therefore, he starts talking. He tells her about the nights they're transformed and Greyback's made sure they're all positioned close to normal people, whether they're Muggles or wizards and the mornings after the transformation when some of the others celebrate the fact that they've once again managed to turn at least one person and how he can never be certain if he's been the one to do it and he can't bring himself to ask the ones who are so connected to their other side that they remember things that happen when they're transformed.
At first she just listens, but when his voice gets weaker, she moves closer to him and eventually places a hand on top of his. He nearly stops breathing not to mention talking. Should he allow himself this? Her touch? It's just a friendly gesture, he tells himself. Nothing more. Finally he regains his composure and continues.
Eventually he feels that there's nothing more to say on the matter and takes a deep breath. Her hand is still on his, gently rubbing. Suddenly she turns his hand over and starts drawing letters with her finger.
I-L-O-V-E-Y-O-U
"And nothing you tell me will ever change that," she whispers into his ear.
That's when he finally cracks. He hates himself for being weak, he knows there are no excuses for what he's doing, but he does it anyway. He grabs her face and kisses her hard. She's just as eager as he is, he realizes and pulls her into his lap. The forest, the cold winter and the evil hidden somewhere a few miles from them disappears and there's only the two of them and their little bubble of relative safety.
Her lips feel cool against his own, but soon enough he manages to get them warmed. For the first time in months, he feels true warmth, he feels human. She snuggles closer to him and sighs against his mouth. He feels something wet on his cheek, but doesn't know which one of them is crying, or if they both are. All he knows is that he doesn't want to let go of her now.
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Much later that night he lies awake in the camp, shivering as he's the farthest away from the fire. When he returned and presented the others with the food Dora hadn't touched, he thought he was making progress. Most of the others had been truly intrigued by the possibility of normal people being kind enough to voluntarily share their food with one of them. He'd felt a brief sense of triumph, which had soon been put out by Greyback's best lieutenants. They'd arrived at the scene, taken one look at the food Remus had spread out for the others to share and in a matter of seconds he'd been pressed against the cold wall of the cave. They turned him upside down, trying to find anything that could prove that he was hiding food or something else from them. The disappointment on their faces had been evident as they'd come up empty-handed, or so they thought anyway.
What had fallen out of his pocket looked like a piece of old parchment, but it was the most valuable thing he had at the moment. Not wanting to attract unwanted attention by trying to snatch it back, he waited until most of the others had gone to sleep, keeping his eye on the paper at all times. Finally he got his chance and with a swift movement he returned the paper into his pocket, letting out a relieved sigh as he did so.
Naturally, the paper was far from just an old piece of parchment. When he'd first left the civilized world, he'd used the charm he'd learned whilst working on the Marauder's Map to conceal a wizarding photo of himself and Dora. He hadn't taken one look at the photo ever since, not that he could even do that without his wand.
Still, merely having it with him gives him tremendous comfort and during moments like this one, right before he falls asleep, he thinks about the picture, focuses on it and remembers every single little detail about the moment Sirius snapped the photo, from her bright pink hair tickling his nose as she buries her face in his neck, laughing to Sirius nearly dropping the camera in his drunken stupor and him smiling like the idiot he is as he puts an arm around her and then buries his face in her hair and joins in her laughter. That had been the first time Sirius had caught them together. Sure, he'd known something was up, but he'd still been quite surprised, although very pleased, to see them kissing in the library that November night.
The memory makes his heart ache, as Sirius is gone for good and he can never be with Dora. She's unhappy now, without him, he knows that but he also knows that it's for her own good. He'd rather see her temporarily unhappy than dead. After all, she will be happy again one day, once she's over him. He's happy for spending time with her tonight, no matter how wrong it is. And now he knows exactly what Molly meant when she told him to go home. Although it had not been intentional, he had found his way home that night after all.