Afterthought, a law and order: svu fanfic

A/N: So, they still haven't started showing Season 13 in Ireland, but I have been watching all the promos, and I decided to write this based on what I've seen so far. I was actually working on one of my other stories ('Heritage') and I got to wondering how exactly Olivia would react if Elliot suddenly vanished on her and refused to return any of her calls or messages. Give it a read and send me a quick review, and I hope you really enjoy it.

'Hello, you've reached Detective Elliot Stabler. I'm not available to take your call right now, but if you leave a message I'll get back to you as soon as I can. If it is an emergency, please call 911 immediately.'

Olivia swallowed awkwardly. So he still hadn't changed his voicemail message. She wasn't sure if that made this better or worse. 'Hi, El, it's me... I know this is the tenth time I've called you today, but... I don't know if you're screening your calls, or if you just don't want to answer your phone right now, but I really need to talk to you.' She bit her lip. 'I know how you must be feeling right now, I do. Don't you remember what happened with me and Plummer? You were there for me then. You came round to try and talk to me afterwards, and even if I didn't let you in, the fact that you came was enough. Why won't you let me be there for you, Elliot? Is it something I did or something I said? Was it something I didn't say?' She paused and took some deep breaths. 'I'm sorry if I didn't say the right things to you right after it happened. I should have done. I should have thought about you, but... I was so shocked by everything. I'm sorry, El, I'm so sorry, it was selfish of me and I am so, so sorry about it, I wish I could do it all again, I do, but... Elliot, please just talk to me. I can't bear the thought that you hate me or that you think that I hate you, or that I'm disgusted by you or ashamed of you, because I'm not. You're my best friend, El. You mean more to me than anyone. I promise-'

You have reached the time limit for your message. Please hang up now.

'God DAMN it!' Olivia furiously hit redial.

'Hi, El, it's me again...' She kicked herself. Of course it was her. How many other crazy bitches did he know who left him dozens of voicemail messages? 'Uh... look, I just needed to say... Elliot, I... I need you. Please call me, please. Are you deliberately avoiding my calls? I know my phone is working, I've even called myself at least a dozen times from Fin's phone just to check...' Congratulations, you sound like even more of a crazy bitch. He'll definitely call you now. 'El, please. I need to talk to you. Let me help you. Even if you don't want to talk to me, at least explain why. Do you remember after the time with Gitano when you wanted a new partner? I thought that that was the worst feeling in the world, knowing that I had somehow let you down, but it wasn't. This is. I don't know, El. Do you feel like I've let you down now? Are you disappointed in me? El, don't you trust me enough to talk to me? I trust you. I trust you with my life. There is nothing that I wouldn't do for you. Hell, I even stripped off down to my bra and pretended to be a hooker.' She smiled to herself. 'El, now I know how you must have felt when I had to go undercover suddenly with the eco-terrorists, but I didn't want to do it, I swear, the Feds wouldn't let me call you and I cried every day for the first month, all I wanted was to hear your voice-'

You have reached the time limit for your message. Please hang up now.

'FUCKING GODDAMN VOICEMAIL!' She tried to hit redial but ended up hitting the wrong button and summoning up her contacts list. She swore and bashed her phone against the table, took some deep breaths to calm herself and pressed redial again.

'Look, El, I know that it must sound pretty hypocritical for me to be going on and on about how you should be able to tell me anything after the way I treated you over what happened to me at Sealview, but believe me when I say that I know I should have told you. I wanted to tell you, but I was ashamed. For all the times I have told victims that they have nothing to be ashamed of, I let myself feel guilty for what had happened. El, I'm so sorry that I didn't tell you for so long after it happened. I should have done and I'm sorry. I didn't want to tell you because I was afraid that you would be disappointed in me, or that you would think that I was weak for letting it happen to me, and El, your disapproval would have been more than I could bear. As awful as it sounds, I think that it would have been worse than the attack itself. Is that how you feel about the shooting? Do you think that I'm disappointed in you? Do you think that you've let me down? Because that's not true, El, it isn't.' Olivia sighed. This was going to be hard to say. 'Elliot, I-'

You have reached the time limit for your message. Please hang up now.

'GOD DAMN YOU, YOU FUCKING STUPID USELESS VOICEMAIL...' Olivia buried her head in her hands and took some more deep breaths, before straightening up and hitting the redial key again. As difficult as it was going to be, this was something that needed to be said.

'Elliot, I have never stopped regretting the way we left things before I had to go undercover. There was something there that we needed to work through and we never got the chance. I'm sorry. I never wanted to get involved with the Feds. I never wanted to have to infiltrate those eco-terrorists. I never wanted to have to leave you like that, but... I was arrested with them and then I was in the cell with them, and then Dana pulled me aside and put the guilt on me, and then suddenly I was agreeing to it and before I knew it I wasn't Olivia any more, I was someone called Persephone... they cleared my desk and cut off my phone before I had a chance to say goodbye, and that killed me, it really did. I can't imagine what you must have thought of me.' She paused, trying to think of what to say next. 'El, when I came back, it felt like coming home. It was as if I had never left, and I knew that I never, ever wanted to leave you again.' She snorted. 'Although don't get me started on that flake Dani-'

You have reached the time limit for your message. Please hang up now.

'FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT VOICEMAIL-' Actually, it was probably a good thing that it had cut her off before she got into a rant about Dani Beck. The suspicions Olivia had about what might have happened between her partner and Beck were still a sore point as far as she was concerned. She pushed down the rising feeling of rage and pressed redial again.

'You see, this is why you need to call me back, you miserable sod.' She forced a laugh. 'Your voicemail just doesn't seem to want to talk to me.' She took another deep breath. 'El, I thought that you knew that you could tell me anything. I thought that you would tell me anything. You're my best friend, and for you to just abruptly dump me like this, without saying a word to me-' Her breath caught in her throat and suddenly she dissolved into tears. 'El, please, I miss you so much, I can't go on like this, I can't! There's this new guy at work and Casey keeps telling me to give him a chance but I can't, El, he's not you, and I need you!' She began to cry harder. 'Cragen told me you turned in your papers. How could you do that? How could you do that without even talking to me? El, I thought that I meant more to you than that! Do I? Did I ever? Just, please, tell me what I did!' She was crying too hard to talk now, and she leaned against the kitchen counter trying to compose herself. 'I... I...'

You have reached the time limit for your message. Please hang up now.

'NO!' She sank down onto the floor and collapsed into thick, racking sobs, her whole body shaking and her head pressed against her knees. She sat there trying to catch her breath for what seemed like hours before she could finally bring herself to press the redial button again.

'El, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I wasn't good enough for you. I'm sorry that I didn't do enough for you. I'm so sorry that I let you down when you needed me, but I'm here now, and I swear, I will do anything you need, even if it's just to leave you alone.' She sniffed and wiped her eyes with the back of her sleeve. 'We were so close, El. Do you remember that awful swingers' club we went to?' She smiled. 'That was one of the most awkward moments of my life. At some points I just wanted to crawl into a hole and die. But... it felt so real. I could really imagine what it would be like to be married to you, and when it was over and we went back to the precinct it felt surreal to suddenly snap out of it like that. It felt wrong. It was like I'd had a taste of what my life could have been, and once it was over I didn't know how to cope, and I stood there and I took off that stupid cheap ring that I had to wear as a prop and then rather than put it away I threw it at the wall and I screamed. And then... and then... that THING happened, and you just disappeared!' She choked back a sob. 'I still have that ring, El. I kept it. Sometimes I take it out and look at it. I wish-'

You have reached the time limit for your message. Please hang up now.

'Shit. Shit Shit Shit Shit SHIT!' Olivia stabbed impatiently at the redial key with her finger, and she felt her nail break against the hard plastic of the phone fascia.

'Hi, El, it's me again, and what I've just said has probably creeped you out, and I'm sorry, but it was something I needed to say, and something I wish I'd said sooner, but... El, that's not important. El, my life is empty without you, and I know that's not your fault, it was my choice to live this way, but now that you're gone... I feel like I'm nothing. Does that make any sense?' She began to stroke the phone with her fingers. 'When I had that awful flu, you came round and you took care of me. No one else has ever done that for me. You've always been there to take care of me when I needed you, and I hate that maybe now you need me and you just don't want to tell me so.' She sighed. 'Please, El, just talk to me. I'm begging you, just call me, even if it's just to tell me to fuck off. I can't stand not knowing like this. El, we understand each other. We're there for each other. We trust each other. Can't you trust me enough to talk to me about this? I care about you, El, so, so much, you're the longest relationship I've ever had with a man and probably the closest relationship I've ever had with anyone. However awful things got for me, I knew that I could rely on you. Do you remember when that biker got murdered and I was framed for it? No one believed me, but you did. You put up your house as collateral to post my bail. That house is all you have, and you trusted me enough to put it in my hands. That meant the world to me.' She smiled. 'El-'

You have reached the time limit for your message. Please hang up now.

'FUCK!' Olivia fumbled with the keypad and dropped her phone on the hard kitchen tile, knocking the back off the case and making the battery pop out, sending it skidding away under the cupboards. 'Oh no, NO...' She dropped to her knees and scrabbled desperately in the narrow gap between the bottom of the cupboards and the floor. 'Where is it, where is that stupid battery...' She felt her fingertips knock against it, making it skitter even deeper under the cupboard. 'DAMN IT...' She curled up on her side on the floor and sobbed. What if he called her now? What if she missed his call? What if he got her voicemail and thought that she was avoiding him and then she never heard from him again? She kicked at the cupboard, breaking a deep split into the wood of the door with the capped toe of her boot, and then hugged her knees against her chest and cried harder. No, no, no, no, no... Suddenly inspiration struck and she ran to the closet under the stairs, cursing loudly as she searched through it, throwing clothes and books and old electronics over her shoulder, before she finally found what she was looking for.

She grabbed the crowbar and ran back to the kitchen, smashing the sharp end of it into the black frosted glass countertop until it had broken into dozens of pieces. She pushed the thick chunks of shattered glass aside and then hooked the end of the crowbar over the back of the newly exposed wood of the cupboard, took a deep breath and pushed on it as hard as she could, praying that this would work. It was a good thing that she never cooked, otherwise she might actually have had something in these cupboards. She heard a faint creak, feeling the wood beginning to give, and rammed the tip of the crowbar in deeper, leaning on it with all her might. There was a crack and the backing of the cupboard finally came away from the wall, splintering as she forced the crowbar harder against it. She tossed the crowbar aside and grabbed the back of the cupboard, yanking it further away from the wall and tearing at the remaining shards of wood, before stamping on the base until it finally broke away from its mountings. She let out a cry of triumph and grabbed the crowbar again, slotting it under the cracked cupboard bottom and forcing it downwards, pushing the broken wood up and out. She saw the phone battery under a shard of wood and fell to her knees, pawing through the splinters and grasping it, and then ran back to her phone, slotted it back into place and hit redial again.

'Thank God, El, you have no idea what I've just done to my kitchen, but...' She suddenly realised that she'd lost her train of thought, if you could call her disjointed rambling a train of thought. To be honest, that was probably a good thing. 'El, I miss you. I miss you so, so much. I just need to say... I want you to know how much you really mean to me. I've tried to tell you but nothing seems enough, and...' She smiled softly and began to stroke the back of the phone with her thumb again. 'El, do you remember that time in Port Authority when Gitano stabbed me? You were so angry with me afterwards, but right after it happened, before I realised that I would be fine, I was just so glad that you were there. A part of me has always thought that I would die on the job, and since I met you I've always thought that you would be there with me, and somehow that made it OK.' She felt tears begin to stream down her face again and swore silently to herself. 'If I died, El, I wanted you to be there. You won't be there any more. Maybe I'm an awful person for wishing that on you, but it's the truth. Who's going to be there now? That little creep Nick?' She laughed bitterly. 'I don't know what it says about me that it's not dying that scares me, but the fact that I might have to do it without you there by my side and holding my hand. I don't want to do that, El.' She wiped her eyes and fell silent.

You have reached the time limit for your message. Please hang up now.

'DAMN IT!' Olivia pressed the redial button and waited for the voicemail to kick in again.

She opened her mouth but suddenly couldn't bring herself to say anything. What is it that you want to say? You've had twelve good years together. There must be something. You can't just let twelve years go just like that, even if he has. What do you want his last memory of you to be? What do you want the last thing you say to him to be? Is there anything you've always wanted to tell him? Is there anything you need to tell him?

You have reached the time limit for your message. Please hang up now.

'Oh God...' Olivia chewed her lip and hit redial for the last time, not really sure what she thought she was going to say, but knowing that she had to say it before she hung up for good.

A/N: What did you think? Is it worth my being sick at home with the flu if it meant that I wrote this? Or would it have been better for the literary world if I'd just slept and coughed all day instead? I really enjoyed writing it anyway, I do love to write ones like this where it's just Olivia talking or thinking by herself, because she's such an interesting character and I can really relate to her. Anyway, let me know what you thought and send me a quick review or two!