Disclaimer: I do not own any part of Off the Map.
Reinvention (noun): something old and familiar remade into something new
All the doctors in South America are running from something, which is the magic of the place. Because each of them is hiding something, none of them ask for much information about another's past.
Once she realizes this, Ryan starts to build a reputation of being strong, smart, and sexually confident. No one thinks to question it, because to question her would be to question their own facade, and all their lives are easier if they are free to play make-believe.
There are times, though, when the masks will slip. People rarely mention it when they do, but it's always a reminder of the past, a threat of fragility.
"I was a nerd," Ryan tells Mina, because she's drunk and they've lost a patient.
"I was the ice bitch," Mina says, her head rolling back on her neck to look up at the stars.
Ryan considers this. 'You still sort of are," she says finally.
"Not...not as much. Just pro—pro..." Mina trails off for a moment. 'Protective!" she says, triumphantly. "It's just protective, now. Usually. Except with you."
Ryan turns her head to the side to look at the blonde. Hesitantly, her hand reaches out and pats Mina's a few times, before falling limply to her side. "Fragile," she says, nodding.
"What?" Mina asks, but Ryan is much too drunk to attempt to explain how when she looks at Mina, she sees both the protective shield of bitchiness that Mina has hidden herself under, and the cracks that belie her fragility.
"I have them too," she confides, and Mina frowns at her before looking once more at the sky.
Gazing at the stars means that she doesn't have to talk, so Ryan follows suit.
They don't ever agree to meet up for drinks (because they don't like each other), but eventually it becomes a habit.
"Does this," Mina waves a hand around herself, apparently indicating the jungle, "mean I'm a coward?"
"Being here?" Ryan asks. "Depends on what you're running from."
Mina is silent for a moment. "Myself," she says, and Ryan smiles into the darkness, glad to have guessed correctly.
"Can't really run from yourself," she muses.
"But you can run from your past," Mina counters.
"But you haven't tried to change yourself, really," Ryan says. "So you have to decide whether you're trying to repent for your past, or whether you came here to avoid thinking about it."
Mina tipsily hits Ryan's beer bottle with her own. "Cheers," she says grimly.
"Don't worry," Ryan says. "I figured out the answer after being in your presence for a couple of minutes. You'll figure it out eventually."
Mina considers this, head tipped to the side. "Fuck off," she finally slurs, and Ryan snickers.
It's not a gradual realization, like Ryan thinks it should have been. Instead, on a perfectly ordinary day, Ryan looks across the clinic just in time to see the sun shine on top of Mina's head as she walks up the stairs, and feels her breath catch with the realization.
"Fuck," she says, because Mina is beautiful and damaged and attractive, and Ryan hadn't really opened up to anyone, not even Ben, before Mina came to work in the clinic.
Mina looks up and quirks an eyebrow when she sees Ryan, who hasn't moved.
"Are you alright?" Mina calls, and Ryan shakes herself out of her stupefaction.
"Fuck, no," she answers, and turns and walks back the way she came.
Ryan intends to stay away from alcohol (and by doing so, avoid Mina), but her resolve crumbles as soon as it is fully dark and the long, lonely hours of the night stretch before her.
Mina frowns at Ryan when she sits down across from her. "Are you okay?"
"I'm fine," Ryan answers (lying is another ability she has gained from South America). "You're not drunk."
Mina shrugs, the lights of the cantina flickering across her face. "I was thinking."
Ryan thinks she should be able to make fun of that, but cannot seem to think of how. "Brave of you," she says instead.
Mina hums in agreement.
"Come to any conclusions?"
Mina considers, staring at her almost full bottle. "I'm not really fond of myself."
Ryan looks at her, silent.
Mina frowns and takes a sip of her beer. "Isn't it your turn to confess something?" she asks, awkward.
Ryan smiles bitterly and closes her eyes, leaning her head back on the chair. "You don't want know what I've been thinking about."
"I disagree."
Ryan opens one eye. "Pity."
They are both silent for several minutes. Ryan dislikes the silence, for in it she becomes hyper-aware of where Mina is in relation to herself. If Ryan moved her right foot slightly forward and to the right, she would be able to touch Mina's left foot, be able to slip off her shoes and trail her foot around Mina's ankle, and then up her calf to her knee...
"Why have I decided to confide in you?" Mina asks, and Ryan is selfishly glad for the interruption.
Ryan shrugs. "I'm here."
"I never confide in people, though," Mina says. "I have these," she gestures up and down her body, "these walls, these shields, and I never let them fall down."
Ryan opens her eyes and considers the woman across from her.
"My parents were missionaries," she says slowly, and Mina's eyes widen. "They were always more concerned with their mission, than with their daughter."
"I'm sorry," Mina says, and Ryan waves away her sympathy with a flick of her hand.
"I was the shy one, the one who watched people instead of joining them in their games."
Mina considers her. "You're using this place to reinvent yourself."
Ryan's eyes widen, but that's the only expression of surprise that she allows to show on her face. "Yes.." she says, grudgingly.
"Why is Lily here?" Mina asks after a moment.
"She's running away."
"Tommy too?"
"In part," Ryan says, considering. "But he's also rebelling, in a way. Very few people think going to South America is normal and expected."
"Well..." Mina says after a moment. "At least we're not the only pathetic ones." She smiles, a crooked, broken smile, and Ryan misses her chance to smile back as she stares at it.
"So, you and Mina..." Brenner says.
"Me and Mina what?" Ryan replies.
"You're together?"
"No, we're not," Ryan slams a binder closed.
"Oh," Brenner says. "Why not?"
"Because we don't like each other as human beings, let alone as...more than that."
"Sure," Brenner says, nodding.
Ryan glares.
"It's only," Brenner continues, "that you've stopped looking at Keeton like he's your sun, and started looking at Mina like she's your sun and moon."
"Don't be ridiculous," Ryan snaps.
"Just trying to return the favour," Brenner says with a shrug and an irritatingly smug smile, before leaving to tend to a patient.
Later, Ryan sees Keeton and Lily sitting at the cantina together, laughing and gazing into each others eyes in a sickeningly sweet fashion, and tries to ignore the fact that she doesn't even feel jealous.
"Hey," Mina says, dropping into the seat across from her.
"It used to be," Ryan says, "that you wouldn't sit beside me unless you were already drunk.
Mina flushes. "Well, yes. I, um, realized you weren't as scary as you seem...?"
Ryan smiles her wide, rakish smile. "I'm touched."
Mina looks at her lap, and then over at Brenner and Keeton before she glances back at Ryan. "Are you...okay with them?" she nods her head (very noticeably) toward Keeton, who is in the process of feeding Brenner a piece of fruit.
"Quite," Ryan said.
"Only...I though you and him were, like, an item."
"We were. Now we're not."
"Why?"
"It was never going to be serious between us, and then we both developed an interest in other people."
"Oh?" Mina glances up quickly before looking at her lap again. "You're..interested in someone? Who?"
Ryan flushes and looks down as well. "I'm not, really."
"Is it Tommy?"
"No," Ryan snorts.
"Who is it, then? Cole?"
Ryan's stomach feels like it's full of butterflies, but cannot resist testing the waters. "It's a female," she says, looking straight at Mina, who flushes once more, and makes a little 'o' of surprise with her mouth.
"Is...is that a new thing? The female part, I mean.." Mina trails off, biting her lip.
"Not really," Ryan said. "I was six when I realized that I wanted to be a Doctor, and that my stomach felt funny whenever I "operated" on my best friend." Ryan shrugs. "I only learnt how to label it later."
Ryan sits back, relief bleeding into the alcohol's effects in her mind. "So, what about-" she begins, but is cut off by Keeton's summons of "Ryan! There's an emergency at the clinic!"
"So..." Ben begins awkwardly, as soon as the influx of patients are taken care of.
Ryan sneers. "Not you too."
Ben fiddles with the sheets in his hands for a moment, before beginning awkwardly. "I think...that maybe's it's time that you allow yourself to be free."
"I am free."
Ben meets her eyes. "Let yourself go, Ryan. Stop second guessing yourself, and her."
Ryan sighs. "I don't think she's even...that she would even think of me sexually."
Ben's lips twitch. "Well, if she doesn't, I trust in your ability to show her why she should."
Ryan groans in irritation, but before she can begin to speak, Ben has her wrapped up in a hug. "She's never really opened up to any of the rest of us," he whispers into Ryan's ear. "She doesn't trust anyone else. Just...try it."
He leaves the room before Ryan can respond, but she's not sure what she would have said to him anyway.
Bathing in the waterfall was her first attempt at reinventing herself—it wasn't something the old Ryan would have even thought of doing. It seems fitting, then, to use it in this...endeavour.
Ryan leaves for the pool later than she usually would, so she's only setting out her towel and thinking about undressing when Brenner, Tommy, and Mina come along the trail.
Brenner spots her first, and her eyes widen before she smiles, raising an eyebrow.
Hesitantly, Ryan nods at her, and Brenner turns toward Tommy with a frown. "Tommy!" she exclaims. "I think I forgot...something...back" she gestures vaguely back down the path, "there. We should go get it. And then go to the clinic another way." she turns to give Ryan a significant look.
"What?" Tommy says, but Lily has already grabbed his arm and started dragging him back down the trail.
"Mina!" she calls back over her shoulder. "Weren't you complaining about being unable to shower this morning? You should join Ryan."
Mina starts to protest or prevaricate, but Lily cuts her off. "Unless, of course, you're too modest, or afraid." she says, and Mina's jaw tightens with pride.
"Why do I need to-" Tommy begins again, but Brenner frowns at him and he quietens as they walk away.
"Hi," Ryan says, smiling at Mina.
"Hello," she says. "Um..."
"Yes, well, I was just going to," Ryan nods toward the waterfall
"Right, of course," Mina says, and after a deep breath Ryan takes of her shirt.
"Oh!" Mina exclaims, blushing. 'Um, right, well, I'll just.." she says, and turns around.
Ryan feels the self-consciousness creeping into her mind, clouding her senses.
"I thought you were joining me?"
Mina peeked over her shoulder, her whole face bright red (Ryan wonders whether the blush covers Mina's whole body, and feels her own face flush brighter.)
"You would like me to..join...you?" she asks, biting her lip.
Ryan nods once, jerkily.
Mina glances at the ground, takes a deep breath, and then turns around.
"Right," she says, and her hands creep slowly toward the hem of her shirt.
"Would," Ryan has to clear her throat. "Would you like me to help you?"
Mina doesn't look up, but she nods to her chest.
Ryan approaches her slowly, until her hands can reach out and start to pull up Mina's shirt.
Mina looks up then, into Ryan's eyes, and Ryan holds her breath as the shirt is lifted over Mina's head and off her upraised arms.
Ryan's breath rushes out of her lungs in a long exhale as Mina lowers her arms to her sides.
"Are you going to take my bra off, too?" Mina whispers.
"Would you like me to?" Ryan whispers back.
Mina is silent, but she nods, once.
Stepping closer still, Ryan wraps her arms around Mina's back to finger the catch of her bra. Ryan can feel Mina's breath on her cheek as she exhales, and her own uncovered breasts brush against Mina's covered ones when she moves closer than is strictly necessary.
Mina huffs a laugh when Ryan fumbles with the catch, and Ryan smiles shakily over her shoulder, her fingers clumsily undoing the hooks. She doesn't move away as she slides the bra off Mina's shoulders and to the ground, and her breath catches with the first brush of Mina's nipples against her own.
"Ryan," Mina whispers shakily. "I-" her breath catches on another brush of nipples.
"Shhh," Ryan whispers back, moving her head and pressing a kiss on the side of Mina's neck. "We have to learn to let go."
"I'm not very good at that," Mina murmurs, as her arms come up to clasp around Ryan's back.
"You can learn."
Ryan turns her head to meet Mina's gaze. Slowly, awkwardly, Mina moves her head to the side and toward Ryan's lips, who moves forward until their lips brush. They pull back, and Mina smiles shakily.
"Show me how?" she whispers, and Ryan shakes her head.
"I don't know how to, either."
Mina considers this for a moment, eyes trained on Ryan's mouth, until Ryan has to move forward and kiss her again, deeper and longer this time. Mina moans breathlessly when Ryan's right hand moves between their bodies and tweaks one of Mina's nipples, and she pulls back slightly.
"Do you think, maybe," she says, breath ghosting over Ryan's mouth, "that it's something we could learn...together?"
"I hope so," Ryan says, dreadfully honest. She pulls away from Mina's clasp and takes a step back. "Would you like to bathe with me?" she asks, absurdly formal.
Mina raises an eyebrow. "Is 'bathe' a euphemism?" she asks.
"It could be," Ryan replies, her lips twitching, "if you want it to be."
"Then by all means," Mina says, walking toward her. "Let us 'bathe.'"
Fin