I see him there. A businessman, determined to make something of himself, a young strapping man in a navy suit. Cocky and unknowing he heads to work, living a life that requires him to suppress his true feelings. Engaged to a woman nothing wrong with that, a pretty little thing she is too. A young man who's fought for his position as worthy in his families eyes, who's had to try and live up to an ideal that is his adoptive brother an ideal that is unattainable to somebody who isn't him. I see him smirk and blackmail, fight and be cruel, someone to avoid I'd say
I see him there. A uncertain man who is scared of himself, scared of his feelings. I mean how dare he kiss a man, sleep with a man, have feelings for a man. He puts his hands on my face as he leans in and hurriedly we kiss. He backs away trying to deny the sparks but I see in his eyes that he knows they're there. I see his arm around my waist as he spoons me in bed still passing me off as some 'fling that means nothing' but I wait for him to come to terms. I see him outed by his now ex-wife in front of the entire pub. A scared little boy inhabits the shell on the arrogant man I once knew, now hated by everyone. A certain member of that everyone puts a bullet in his chest and I see him there bleeding out under my palms as I put pressure on the wound.
I see him there. A man trying to piece his life back together. No wife, brother or lover just he himself scared of his anonymous shooter but a smirk still a permanent fixture on his pale face. I see a different side to this man, a kind and caring man who holds my hand as I'm treated for sepsis. A man who sits and listens as I open up about a past I'd rather forget. A man who fights for my justice and agrees to take it slow if I agree to give him another chance and I do. He supports me in court and at my dad's funeral, he accepts my little sister as his own.
I see him there. A desperate man fighting for a brother that tried to end his life on three different occasions. Craving a family just wanting what he never had from his mum and dad. He wanted to belong and if helping his brother do something illegal was the way to do it then it's what he had to do, it was then I realised he needed me as well. He needed to belong to a big family who could accept that he was a bit more intellectually than physically strong, he was a pretty boy not rugged, he was him not his brother.
I see him there. A groom in his burgundy suit, clashing with my navy one. His blue eyes glistening and sparkling smile wider than I'd ever seen it. He walks towards me and holds my hands puffing air out of my mouth, he's stunning. I see tears in his eyes as we say our vows and I wipe them away before they fall "til' death do us part" and we kiss as husband and husband. I see him place his head on my shoulder and mine on his as we dance our first dance as he whispers that he loves me.
I see him there. A romantic husband, we go on holiday together a fond memory I'll never forget. We walk down a lit up beach the purples and greens glistening beautifully on the golden sand. He places a blanket on the floor and we put down a couple of pillows we brought with us. Then we lie with another blanket wrapped round us to protect us from the summer breeze as we watch the stars, listening to the steady crashing of the waves. We talk a below the surface deep chat which really aids me to understand my husband and why he is the way he is, why he couldn't love himself, why he was always hiding behind an arrogant facade. Before he fell asleep on my shoulder, I held his body close to mine and listened to his soft snores before waking him and walking him back to the hotel room. Once back I get him changed and kiss him softly, tucking him into bed looking after him for once.
I see him there. A father watching as a midwife hands over our newborn son a perfect little boy full of wonder for the new world he's been blessed with. My husband reaches out and strokes the small angels face whispering "this is all I ever wanted". A tear stains his cheek as he leans down to kiss the tiny person and promises the world to him, that he will do everything in his power to protect him, love him and help him lead a happy and healthy life.
I see him there. A father of two, having done his deed as daddy. Working hard so they can have everything they could ever wish for. Walking the opposite side to me as we walk our daughter down the aisle. Watching them flee the nest. Seeing our grandchildren being brought into the world. Travelling and living life to the fullest. Living a life he always wanted, that he thought was impossible because he never thought he could accept his own sexuality finally feeling a happiness and contentment he never expected.
I see him there. A frightened, frail, elderly gentleman of 67 years old that is sat in a doctor's office being diagnosed with dementia. I watch him cry and I hold him and worst of all I watch him deteriorate in front of my eyes. He doesn't know the children any more, to think the two people he dedicated 35 years of his life to are now just strangers breaks my heart. I watch him get agitated and shout at me, then apologising because he's frightened of his own brain. I'm exhausted from him trying to get out of bed 6-7 times a night before he'll settle. I watch as he tries and fails to wash and dress himself. I try to reassure him as he looks on horrified when he realises he's becoming incontinent. I see him get admitted to hospital again and again following another fall and becoming worse and worse each time. I watch as he fights the nurses when they tell him he can't take his clothes off, and he's not safe to get out of bed on his own. He's getting frustrated now and he won't sit down as the nurse brings his lunch so I just walk with him, up and down the same corridor as he pushes the door at either end trying to escape. I miss him, the man who I first met suave and confident, the man I dated caring and compassionate, the man I married romantic and content. But as long as he remembers me and wants me I won't give up on him because he never gave up on me.
I see him there. A man whose story is nearing the end now, the nurses called me at 3AM to tell me I needed to come down and I know it's time. I walk in and the curtains are drawn around him, I go through and see him lying there mouth open gasping for breath, oxygen mask trying to supply it. I grasp his small wrinkled hand, when did he get so thin? I lean down and kiss his /"I'm here now, darling. Can you hear me?" he looks at me through heavy eyes and for once I'm grateful he can't understand what's happening. He can't talk anymore due to dysphasia so I just talk him through the last minutes of his life. I brush his grey hair away from his eyes which are still young despite our aging.
"You're the best thing that ever happened to me you know that? You gave me more happiness than I thought possible. We really lived life to the full didn't we? But I just wish it didn't have to end. I wish we could start again, and you know what I wouldn't change a thing. You're gonna leave a big hole in my life" I whispered beginning to cry "and I don't want you to go but you'll be much safer where you're going, they'll look after you until I get there I'm sure of it." I pulled down his oxygen mask and kissed him on the lips."I love you so much, Robert Sugden-Dingle" I cried "It's okay with me, if you want to let go you can, I love you" I just wanted him to say it back. At that he closed his eyes relief filling him as his chest stilled.
I see him there. Young and happy again as he comes to meet me as my life comes to a finish. Wearing a white suit, hair blonde and skin smooth. He takes my hand as he pulls me away from my children who are holding on to the hands of my lifeless body and takes me away. It's beautiful where he is and we're the only two there. He moves his body closer and grabs my face like he used to and kisses
"I've missed you" I say his hands still on
"I've been with you every step of the way" he replies
"You can talk again" I say as my eyes well up at the sound of his voice. He smiles and nods a smile that I hadn't seen in years when it was overtaken with frustration and confusion
"By the way… I love you too" He says, I instantly understood, I remember desperately wanted to hear them "Til' death do us part" I smile
"Yes and then some" He says leaning down to kiss me again and we walk off together hand in hand when I understand, I'd never really lost him but now I had him for keeps. Because forever's longer than I imagined.