Chain of What Were We Talking About?

by Wolf McCloud-123

Discontinued.

1. Birth of a Salesman

Kingdom Farce: Chain of… What Were We Talking About?

Ah! Finally, the newly renamed sequel to Kingdom Farce is available for your reading pleasure. It's back with more media references, adventure, and general stupidity. It's probably not the best parody out there, either, but hey—I really doubt anyone's done a parody of the poor neglected Chain of Memories, anyway.

And since I'm aware that nobody really knows about it, prepare for X-treme spoilers. Hey—it's your own fault for not actually knowing about this game in the first place. I talked to one of my Kingdom Hearts nerd friends and he didn't even know that it had been out since '04. He was under the impression that there were only two games, as I'm sure many, many people were.

Okay, I mixed things up a bit with this one. Instead of that crappy idea I offered way back in September-October of last year, I kind of decided that I was going to rip off Tolkien with the whole 'two chapters of (insert name here) and two chapters of (insert name here)' interchangeably.

I also did a completely different theme song for this installment in my little series! It actually follows the story pretty well and isn't just ranting. And I think it's funny.

And I think this is the only chapter to be over ten pages long. That's an all-time low for me because I like to be horribly long in how I do stuff! But the only reason is because the intro and Traverse Town are genetically spliced together. But I just remembered that I have the little interludes spliced together, too. So no worries.

P.S. This is like a rainbow on Microsoft Word. I have grammatical errors (though I do it for stylistic purposes, otherwise, you guys wouldn't know it was me!), and yeah, all of the characters' names are obviously spelled wrong, 'cept for Donald and Goofy's, of course. And Mickey's. But when I make 'Goofy' possessive, then it's spelled wrong, too! Argh! Stupid Bill Gates and his stupid Windows!

Okay. Remember what I said about not doing a CoM parody?

Well... I lied.

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¡RECAP!

So like, Sora sealed all the Keyholes of like, all the worlds, y'know? And then, then he fought like, Ansem to like, the death. And then he locked the Door to Light, with Riku and King Mickey behind it for some reason. I don't know. They were just THERE. Maybe it'll be explained l8er. Anyway. Then they were on their own, going down the only road they've ever known, when suddenly Pluto appeared with a letter from the King. AND LOOK WHERE THEY ARE NOW!

!PACER¡

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Sora was taking a walk through an endless field one night, enjoying the fresh air and such, when suddenly he felt a presence.

"Hmm... It feels like someone... WANTS TO SELL ME SOMETHING!" He turned on a dime, but nobody was there.

"Behind'ja," said a dark figure behind him. Sora turned around embarrassedly. "Anyway, no. I do not want to sell you anything." He was silent for a moment. "Ahead lies something you hold dear--but to claim it, you must lose something first." Then he waved his hands mysteriously and he was gone.

Kingdom Farce: Chain of… What Were We Talking About?

Some time later...

"Hmm, looks like nobody's home," Donald said as they walked into the foyer of the ginormous and topsy-turvy castle at the Edge of the Universe. (Or at least, that's what it looked like.)

"Gawrsh, are you sure we should just barge in like this?" Goofy asked, scratching his head under his hat. "'S'kinda rude... A-hyuck."

"We have to if we want to find the King!" Donald said, looking a little frustrated. Or something.

"The King?" Goofy gasped. "The King's HERE?"

"Who knows?" Donald shrugged flamboyantly. "There was just this feeling, in the pit of my stomach, that he'd be here. And you know what that means! I'm either hungry or it's a gut feeling."

"Gawrsh! So was I!" Goofy said, looking extremely surprised.

"Wow, me too," Sora chuckled. "One look at this castle, and it's like I had some kind of foresight. I just knew, 'They're here!'"

"Great minds think alike, I guess," said Goofy. "A-hyuck."

"Guess again, Goofy!" Jiminy said, hopping out of Sora's hair. "This cannot be a mere coincidence."

"Why, Jiminy?" Donald asked as he, Sora, and Goofy crouched down to hear the cricket's speech. His water-fowl face fell. If it can... "Wait, don't tell me that you--"

"That's right," Jiminy said, nodding. He took off his hat and put on a Sherlock Holmes-ish one. "I felt it, too."

"Gawrsh, maybe it's contagious."

"Could be..." Sora said thoughtfully, rubbing his chin.

Donald slapped them ala Moe from the Three Stooges. "Or maybe something fishy's up! I think we should check it out."

"Owww..." groaned Sora, rubbing his face. "That hurt, Donald!" He sniffled and started to walk away.

"Hey, where do you think you're going?" Donald asked, jumping up.

Sora gave him a look. "I'm going to check it out, like you said! Gosh. Sometimes I think you're a moron, Donald." He smiled and crossed his arms. "What, are you scared?"

"N...not on your life," Donald said. "Come on, Goofy."

"Okay, but I think we should be good guests and close the door behind us," he said. "A-hyuck."

Suddenly, in faded that dark figure from before.

Sora gasped and pointed. "GASP! It's that guy who wanted to sell me something!"

"He must be a Farceless if he's that persistent," Donald said, then pulled out his wizardin' staff. "Let's just see how he handles my MAGIC! THUNDER!"

Nothing happened.

"That's weird. THUNDER!" He paused. "Uhh, THUNDER! ...LIGHTNING? FIRE! Blizzard... Aw, shoot. This thing must be out of batteries."

"No, magic requires no batteries," the figure said. He turned his head to Sora. "And no, I don't want to sell you anything. Anyway." He cleared his throat. "The moment you set foot in this castle, you forgot every spell and ability you knew... Including whistling and snapping your fingers."

"NOOOOOOOO!" Sora yelled, collapsing to his knees.

"Though, the forgetting does not end there," the man continued, ignoring Sora completely. He waved an arm to the scenery. "In this place, to find is to lose and to lose is to find. That is the way of things in Castle Oblivion."

Sora looked up from his fit. "Castle Oblivion?"

"Yes," replied the figure. "It's a nice name, isn't it? I picked it out."

"Oh... umm... Good job."

"Thanks. Anyway, here you will meet people you know. People you miss."

"People we miss... People we miss..." Sora said, thinking like Winnie the Pooh. "Umm, I'm sorry, but I don't think... OH you mean Riku."

"...Maybe."

"So he's here?"

"Do you want to find him? If you do..." He walked forward, passing through Sora as if he were not solid matter.

"Argh!" Sora argh'd, stumbling backward. He turned to look at the man, with a major 'wtf' look. "What did you just do?"

"I sampled your memories," said the man. With a flick of his wrist he produced a card that had three points up top. "And with them, I made this. This is the key to reuniting with those you hold dear." He threw the card like Yu-Gi-Oh! and Sora caught it.

"What is this?" Sora asked, looking it over. "A card? ...It has a pretty picture..."

"It is a promise," the man said. "Use that card and press on. You will find your friend. Hold that card before you. The door will open, and beyond it... a new world."

"Umm, huh?"

"Go, Sora," said the man, pointing to a door behind the trio. "To lose and claim anew, or to claim anew only to lose..." He faded away.

"Umm... WOW," said Sora. "Well, let's go, I guess..."

He opened the door, and in a flash of light they found themselves in a dimly-lit, cozy-looking town.

"Wait a minute," Sora said with a 'wtf' look. "This can't be right... We're in Traverse Town?"

"It isn't reality that you see."

Sora whipped around, only to see the dark figure again.

"Whatever you're selling, I don't want any!"

"This town is an illusion conceived by your memories," said the man, "ingrained in that card."

"Did you just ignore me?" Sora asked incredulously.

"And if I did? What will you do about it?"

"I... I won't buy anything."

"I'm not selling anything."

"Whatever. Anyway... My memories?"

"Forget about that, Sora!" said Jiminy by his ear. "We're two heads short!"

Sora looked around, only to notice that Donald and Goofy were nowhere to be seen. "GASP!" he gasped. "Donald? Goofy? What did you do with them? Is it because I won't buy your traveling salesman products?"

The man sighed. "They are at the mercy of the cards now. Master the cards, and their strength will be yours again." He got into a fighting stance. "Get ready for a tutorial."

"Oh, pooh."

"The laws of this castle require that your friends be transformed into cards. Don't blame me, it was all that idiot Number II's idea. If you value your friends, you will pick them up without fail."

A card fell from the sky. On it was Donald's face. Sora picked it up.

"Cards you pick up are added to the top of the deck," the man continued. "Use them, and your friends will come to your aid."

"This is all vaguely Yu-Gi-Oh!-ish," Sora said, giving the man a confused look.

"Yeah, we thought so too, but the superior wouldn't have it," the man said, shrugging. "Ah well. You can't always get what you want. Unless it's by force." He hunched over sinisterly and went to laugh maniacally but composed himself at the last second.

"You're flamboyant, Mister."

"Yeah, I know." He cleared his throat. "The cards you use vanish, but they will reappear to aid you time and again. Cards are the farce of your friends." He spread his arms again. "Everything in this castle is ruled by cards. Whether an enemy or a door stands in your way, cards are the only way to proceed. But, you mustn't forget your own strength." He looked back at Sora. "First think for yourself. Move, then use the cards."

Sora hit him three times.

"Ow! God damn it, what was that for?"

"Umm, well, I thought that was some kind of prompt..."

"No! You fool child! I'll obliterate you off the face of the--ANYWAY!" He composed himself again, taking deep breaths. "Every move you make causes a card to disappear. If you use up all your cards, you will be unable to act. But... there is a solution. Keep using cards until you run out and I will show you." But before Sora could beat him up again, the man walked up to the boy and snatched his cards away, then threw them on the ground. "Twenty-two pick-up, bitch."

"You're horrible. I hate you. I'll never even consider buying anything you're soliciting." But he picked them up anyway, because if he just stood there pouting nothing would get done.

"The strength of your farce brought back the lost cards," the man explained though he knew it was not true. "You can recall spent cards any time you wish. But each time you do, the cards will take longer to reappear."

"What are you talking about? You--"

"The cards are by no means unlimited," the man went on. "Use them wisely. Anticipate the flow of the battle and choose correctly. You may use any card in the deck at any time. Not like that weird unpronounceable game what with the 'you can only pick as many cards as you have moves' rule. Gosh." He shook his head. "But I digress. The four types of cards you use in battle are grouped into two wider categories. The first category includes attack, magic, and item cards. The second category consists of entirely enemy cards. Cards will empower you whether you are attacking or defending." He pointed to Sora again. "But it is up to you to decide when it is time to attack and time to defend. Do not forget it."

Suddenly, Donald and Goofy were back.

"Donald! Goofy!" Sora said with a delighted look. "Where have you two been? Are you all right? What happened?"

"You tell us," Donald grumbled. "When you opened the door, there was this bright flash of light... and then there's this big blank..."

"Well, try to remember what happened," Jiminy said. "I need to keep my journal up-to-date, after all."

"Hey, wait a second..." Goofy said. "Gawrsh, Donald, where'd you get the new duds?"

"You too, Goofy!" Donald said, noticing that he was indeed out of his sailor suit. Which I kinda miss. "Somebody's pulled a Polly Pocket on us!"

"...What?" Sora asked.

"You wouldn't understand," Donald said flippantly, crossing his arms and looking away.

"Umm, ri-hight... Anyway... The cards again?" Sora asked the man who was still just standing there.

"That is for you to ponder," the man said vaguely. "Master the cards and make your way through the castle. From here on, you walk alone."

"Gawrsh, you mean we can't go with him?" Goofy asked, looking concerned. "That's not fair!"

"Yeah!" Donald agreed, nodding. "Sora can't do anything without our help!"

Sora gave him a look. "Gee, thanks a lot, Donald!"

"Sora, are you sure you'll be okay?" Goofy asked him.

"Yeah I will," Sora said reassuringly. He turned back to the man. "You want me to go alone, huh? Well, fine. I can take care of myself."

The man chuckled darkly. "The hero speaks boldly. Go, then. The rest of Castle Oblivion awaits. Walk the avenues of latent memory, and you shall meet someone dear to you." With that, he faded out yet again.

"I have a bad feeling about this," Jiminy said, pulling a lock of Sora's hair up to his chin like a blanket.

"Aww, relax, Jiminy!" Sora said, looking ahead since the cricket was on top of his head and all. "I'm ready for any tricks he's got up his sleeve! How hard can it be to figure out these cards? All I have to do is use one in front of that convenient door over there." He did just this, and the door opened. "Now did that look hard to you?"

"Well..."

"You seriously need to take a chill-pill, buddy," Sora chuckled.

Traverse Town

Some time later...

Sora fell on his butt, panting. "Maybe fighting by myself isn't as easy as I thought it would be..." He looked up, where Donald and Goofy were standing, staring at him. "ARGH! Don't just pop out of nowhere like that!"

"It's not our fault, doofus," Donald said, crossing his arms. Again. "We have no idea what's going on."

"Gawrsh, Sora, your fighting's gotten kinda rusty," Goofy said. "You sure you don't need us?"

"I'm fine, honest!" Sora said with a goofy smile. Not Goofy's smile, just the adjective goofy.

"Think like that, and you're as good as Farceless fodder," said a familiar, monotonous voice from behind. They all turned to look and saw...

"Leon!" Sora said, smiling and waving. "What are you doing in Castle Oblivion?"

"Castle Oblivion?" Squall asked with a 'wtf' look. "What are you talking about? And how did you know my alia--I mean, name? I've never seen you before in my life."

"Quit playing, Leon," Sora laughed, standing up. "We all fought the Farceless together! You know that!"

"Look, I don't know what you're talking about," Squall said, crossing his arms and looking totally serious. You know, like he always does. "I don't even know your names."

"Say WHAAAT?" Sora asked, falling to his knees.

"You don't?" Goofy asked.

"Nnnope. Sorry."

"I... I can't believe this!" Sora said, his eye twitching. "Have you forgotten us?"

"Hey, I feel for you, despite not ever forgetting... Oh, wait, yes I have. Never mind. But you've got the wrong guy." He shrugged. "Happens all the time. Don't take it so personally, Sora."

"You DO know his name!" Donald said, pointing accusingly.

Squall looked mildly surprised. "Hmm... I wonder why I know your name?"

"Because you're playing some sick joke?" Sora guessed, sounding bitter.

"You think Leon's just kidding around?" Goofy asked.

"Well, it's not very funny," Donald said, gah-LARING at Squall.

"Who's kidding around, Goofy? You and Donald can just back up off my cornbread."

"Umm... I am shocked that you are letting up on this convincing joke suddenly, and slightly weirded out by the fact that you just said 'back up off my cornbread'." Sora gave him a 'wtf' look.

Squall put a hand to his forehead. "I don't get it... What's happened to my memory?"

"I dunno, Leon," said a feminine voice from nowhere as Yuffie walked onto the scene. "Maybe Aeris was onto something after all."

Leon made a face.

"She said she sensed some kind of uncanny power," Yuffie said with a big flamboyant smile. "And this is as uncanny as it gets. Maybe we should bring Sora and the others to Aeris."

"Yuffie! You know my name!" Sora said happily.

"Umm, yeah, let's go with that... And it looks like you know mine, too!"

Squall looked at Yuffie, then Sora, then Yuffie. "A friend of yours?"

"Nope! In fact, I've never even seen him before in my life. Buuuut, I definitely know his name! Strange, I know, but it's really convenient!" She winked. "We can skip introductions."

"Well, I guess our problems are solved," Squall said sarcastically.

"Anyways, I'm gonna run ahead and fill Aeris in," Yuffie said. "Leon, you give Sora and the others the grand tour. See ya later!" With that, she threw a smoke bomb and while nobody was looking, she ran off.

"Well, let's get this over with," Squall said uninterestedly. "Come on, follow me. Be careful, though. There are still tons of Farceless roaming around... I'd better teach you how to protect yourself in battle." And he went to get his gunblade out from nowhere...

"Oh, no," Sora said, holding up a hand. "I'll figure it out eventually."

Squall was silent for a moment, before shrugging slightly. "Fine. Have it your way." He started walking off, but stopped. "By the way... Here, I found this lying around. You take it." He tossed a card over his back and by some illogical miracle, it landed in Sora's hands about oh... two yards away.

"Wow, this brings back memories," Sora said, holding up a card with Simba on it. "It's just like... Well, you wouldn't know, would you?" He chuckled, then looked horribly, horribly depressed. "Eheh..."

Some time later...

"Aeris, tell me you haven't forgotten me, too!" Sora said hopefully.

The woman sighed and tilted her head to the side. "I don't know whether to say 'nice to meet you' or 'it's good to see you again'... It feels like a little bit of both. I don't think I know you, but it still feels like you belong here. Man, Nomura's just milking my Sueness, huh?"

"Umm, what?"

"Nothing, nothing!" laughed Aeris, waving a dismissive hand.

"Yeah, it's like we've never met, but it's perfectly normal that we know your names anyway," Yuffie said, nodding.

"But we HAVE met!" Sora said. "We took on the Farceless together. We were a team!" He buried his face in his hands. "A team... An A-Team!"

"Was I... was I Murdock?" Aeris asked.

"Yes!"

"It feels like you're right, but I can't remember," Squall said.

"Then I guess you won't remember what you told me," Sora said. "In Hollow Bastion, when I sealed the Keyhole: 'We may never meet again--'"

"--but we'll never forget each other," the man finished for him.

"You do remember!"

"He's right, Leon," Yuffie said. "I remember you saying that, too."

"I guess... I can't write it off as a coincidence, then..."

Aeris nodded. "I don't think I have any memory of it... but, somehow, I remember it as well. Maybe Sora's farce is doing the remembering for us."

"How does THAT work?" Sora asked with a 'wtf' look.

"We don't know yet, Sora. But your farce is full of memories of us together. Those memories must resonate within our farce, too. Maybe they tell us things we shouldn't otherwise know."

"So, you're saying that Sora's memories are affecting ours?" Squall asked.

"Precisely," Aeris said, nodding and smiling.

"Maybe it's like that traveling salesman said," Sora said thoughtfully, looking skywards because that's kind of a good place to look when thinking. "This town is just an illusion. Something my memories created..."

"And... there's something special to you in this town?" Aeris asked.

"Yeah, how'd you... Oh, right. The whole memory thing. Whatever. A friend of mine is somewhere in this town... I mean, Castle Oblivion..."

Yuffie raised an eyebrow. "Castle Oblivion? What's that? There aren't any castles in Traverse Town."

"That's umm, not quite what I meant."

"Sora probably still has his own questions," Aeris said, then gave him an understanding look. "Don't you?"

"That may or may not be an understatement," Sora said vaguely. "But yeah, I do! We just got here, after all. It wouldn't hurt to take a look around..."

"Then go have a walk around town," Squall said. "There are Farceless, but that's no problem for you."

"So! You know I can fight!" Sora said, laughing somewhat dementedly. Err, yeah.

Squall was silent for a moment. "I can't say I remember... But... I am starting to believe."

Some time later...

"Well, whaddya know? It's Sora!" said Cid, smiling widely. He frowned thoughtfully. "Wait, what am I saying? I don't know you at all!" He pulled out a shot-gun and cocked it, but hesitated. "Well, you certainly do look like a Sora..."

"Really? My friends say I look like a Greg," Sora said.

"...what with the spiky hair and baggy-yet-oddly-slimming jumpsuit." Cid rubbed his fuzzy chin in thought. "So yeah. You're definitely a Sora."

"Well, I guess it's okay, Uncle Cid. Cuz that is my name. ...Don't wear it out."

"Y-you know my name? Can't say I'm surprised... but why in the wonderful world of Disney are you calling me 'Uncle Cid' you little punk?"

"Umm... long story, not a lot of time to explain," Sora said, dismissing it with a flamboyant wave of his hand. "Just accept it. I'm not going to call you just 'Cid'. That would be ridiculous!" He laughed at the prospect of possibly calling Cid by his actual name with no titles added for his convenience. He stopped abruptly and went completely serious. "Anyway. Maybe you could help me out, Uncle Cid. A friend of mine is supposed to be somewhere in this castl--I mean, town."

"Your friend, hmm?" He leaned on his shot-gun and rubbed his fuzzy chin again. "Well, lately all this town sees is Farceless. Farceless here, Farceless there, everywhere one o' them little buggy things. But the plaza's the worst. Word 'round town is that we'll have a jumbo-gumbo of a Farceless once the bell rings. If you want to live to see your family again, take a train or somethin' outta town."

"Aww, but..."

But Cid had left.

Sora turned around, where Goofy and Donald were now standing.

"Gawrsh, Sora, maybe he's right!" Goofy said.

"But don't you guys want to see the Farceless?" Sora asked.

Donald stomped his foot on the ground several times. "No, no, no, NO, we do NOT want to see the Farceless! You are such a moron! 'You wanna see deh Farceless?' NO!"

"Geez, Donald, you don't have to overreact. You might give yourself a heart attack or something. Lighten up."

Then an earthquake started or something and the Guard Armor popped in for a visit. It assembled like a Transformer and they fought to the death.

Now, if you have read the original Kingdom Farce, you should know that being killed gets the plot nowhere. This is evident in Chapter Thirteen. Sora (plus) death (equals) An extremely boring and terrible plot. If you have not read the original Kingdom Farce... well, it's out there. Go check it out. What are you doing reading the sequel before the first one? You loser.

Anyway.

Sora won.

"So your friend wasn't here?" Yuffie asked while counting up some munny she had just stolen from Sora's wallet. SHHH! Nobody needs to know!

"Nah, I don't think I'll find him here," Sora said, looking somewhat disappointed. "He's somewhere in this castle, that much I'm sure of. Although... I hope he doesn't want to hold my hand again. It's really pissing off the fangirls who still think we're straight."

"Castle?" Cid asked as though Sora's last two sentences had never been uttered. "Like this whole town is in some ginormigantuan castle? Haw haw, that's funny, kid."

Squall looked broody. Well, more broody than he usually is. "He's probably right, Cid. We might not understand what exactly is going on, but Sora does. I think. I don't know, I'm no mind reader. But he can see that reality is bigger than just this world."

Sora looked down with a sigh. "I wish... I was that sure."

"You'll be fine, Sora," Squall said, showing a slight smile. Wow. 'S'. "No matter what shape reality may take, you can handle it. I might not remember you, but I know you in my farce."

"Aww, Leon..."

"Take care of your wallet, Sora," Yuffie said, waving a little.

"I'm so lost right now a rat in a maze would be able to find the door faster than I can find out what's going on," Cid admitted. "Good luck anyway."

They waved good-bye and the three left, leaving Sora, Donald, and Goofy to do stuff. But just as they were about to leave, Aeris stopped Sora.

"Wassup?" Sora asked. Yes, like a gangstah.

"I have all the answers but for the convenience of masking my true identity, I don't. There's something I thought you should know," Aeris said quickly. "Your memories created this town, correct?"

"I don't know, I'm just going along with what everyone is telling me," Sora said with an extremely flamboyant shrug.

"Well, if that's true, then this town is just a figment of your imagination... and so are we."

"Figment? You mean like Bob?" Sora asked.

"Who's Bob?"

"No one, no one..."

Aeris nodded slowly. "Anyway... I'm not really me, Sora. I don't remember the things I should. I sense things I shouldn't (or, maybe I should. I am a Cetra, after all). Sora... beware your memories." She looked serious. "In the journey to come, you will face more illusions like me. Sometimes the shadows of your memory will deceive you, try and lead you astray."

BUM BUM BUUUUUUUM!

"So, uhhh... what? You mind repeating that?"

Aeris rolled her eyes. "I am an illusion," she said slowly, an emphesis on every word.

"Aww, don't say stuff like that! It's really depressing."

She slapped him.

"Ow! What did you do that for? You must be an illusion because I know your little pacifist real self would never do that!"

"Don't let the illusions distract you from what is truly important," Aeris said, jerking her hand back.

"Well I might not listen to you since you slapped me."

"Sora!" called Donald.

"Are you ready to go? It's been five minutes, a-hyuck!"

Sora turned around and said, "Yeah, I'll be right there!" Then he turned back to Aeris. "Well, it was nice talking to you Illusion Aeris Who is Incidentally a Bitch, but..." But she was gone. Oh no. Bleh.

BUM BUM BUUUUUUUUM!

"Aeris?"

"What about Aeris, Sora?" Donald asked, waddling up to him.

"She was... she was just here! And she slapped me for no good reason!"

"Gawrsh, what are you talkin' about, Sora? She left with the others!"

"Say WHAAAT?"

"You were just standing here, staring at your shoes," Donald said. "We were about to come over and like, slap you around a little, but then you started hallucinating."

"I'm not hallucinating!" He shook an angry fist at Donald. As Donald and Goofy walked away, he looked at the cobblestones lining the road thoughtfully. Maybe... this is what she meant...