Author's notes:
So, one random day (Thursday or was it Friday?) I was talking to one little hermit. She mentioned an Adam Lambert song that I was listening to right at that moment. It seemed too weird - but we're both weird together so, it's kind of ok. Anyway - that got me thinking of this little story.
I've been working on it ever since. Honestly I wanted to get it up in one single HUGE one-shot, but(!) I can't seem to find the time to finish by the end of the weekend and I desperately want to get this out here and get your impressions and feedback - so - I'm trying for a two-shot, maybe a three-shot IF I get enough inspiration.
Thus - here you go - first installment. Please tell me what you think. Pretty pretty please.
James' iPhone was ringing off the proverbial hook. He grunted in his sleep and blindly answered it.
"James?!" Carlos' voice came from the speaker. He sounded distressed and James woke up in less than half a second at the sound.
"Los…?"
"Did you hear what happened?"
"What? Man, don't scare me…"
"It's Adam…" Carlos sounded sad and very serious.
"Adam… what?" James' heart constricted in his chest. He and Adam had broken up almost three months, five days, seven hours and twenty minutes – but who'd kept track? "I have nothing to do with Adam anymore…" James whispered, another knife in his heart, one more next to the dozen he already had.
"James… he's in the hospital…" Carlos whispered. "He almost ODed… it's all over the news…"
"WHAT?!" James screamed. He knew that Adam had taken a fall after James had had enough and left, but he would have never imagined… "Which hospital?" James asked in a heartbeat, without thinking, running a hand through his messy bed hair, already jumping in the first pair of jeans he found.
"Saint Mary and Joseph…" Carlos whispered. "Want me to come with you?" Carlos offered.
"No. We can't both get away with sneaking into a rehab hospital…" James replied. "Los… thank you." He let out before ending the conversation, grabbing a random shirt, his wallet, his house and car keys and his phone. He drove like a maniac, getting to the hospital in less than half the time.
James snuck inside the hospital through a back entrance, dodging the paparazzi gathered outside to catch a picture of his Adam in rehab, grabbed a random pair of scrubs and ran to the first information desk. He flirted with the nurse there saying he was new at the hospital – maybe she believed him, maybe she got lost in his smile – James could not care less – he got the room number and all but ran to Adam side.
What he found ripped him in half. Adam was lying there, motionless and white – so very white – like a sheet of paper, looking frail and breakable. James clasped a hand over his mouth to keep a squeal inside as a tear slipped down his cheek.
"What have you done?" James whispered as he sat down on Adam's bed, taking his white hand and kissing his fingers lightly. "I should never have left you." James whispered again. He stayed like that – motionless himself – for a long while, until a nurse came to check up on Adam's vitals and scolded him for being star struck and not tending to his duties. James opened his mouth to retort, but remembered the scrubs he was wearing over his clothes. He allowed the nurse to scold him, looking down at his feet. As soon as she was gone, however, so were his scrubs.
James settled in a chair next to Adam's bed, holding his hand, not even talking, just sharing his body warmth through the small, chaste touch.
Adam didn't even stir in his sleep the whole day, but James did not move. At midday Carlos called to check up on him and James dismissed him quickly saying he was fine. Carlos accepted his explanation and kept the world away from him. James didn't need the world. He just needed Adam to be ok.
Tears spilled from his eyes every time he looked at Adam's pale face contrasting so much against his raven black hair. James gently caressed Adam's cheek. "Please come back to me." James whispered at one point during the day. "Please, Adam, just come back. I'll never leave you again, just please." James whispered again, his voice cracking under the tears he was fighting to hold back. "I love you." James finally let out burying his head in Adam's sheet, nuzzling his cold palm.
Night began to fell and James still hadn't moved. Nurses tried to pry him way from Adam's bed side telling him that there would be no change in the near future, as Adam was under sedation, to keep him from being in too much pain of withdrawal, but James had noting of it. He needed to be there. He needed to be by Adam's side.
A nurse took pity on him and brought him a sandwich and James ate it knowing his body needed it. Every bite went down with a lump, guilt gripping at James heart worse than a vice ever could.
Morning came to find James still in the same seat, asleep, with his head by Adam's hand. As soon as a ray of sun hit his face James was up again, watching over Adam like a hawk. The same nurse that had brought James the sandwich brought him a coffee.
"He's lucky." She said with a smile as she left the room. James' head snapped to her. "I've never seen anyone love someone else as much as you love him." The woman left the room leaving James to his own sorrow.
"If I would have love you enough I wouldn't have left and allowed you to do this." A tear fell from James' eyes and he quickly wiped it away resuming his watch.
Adam finally stirred and woke up at midday. James smiled as wide as his cheeks would allow.
"Hi." He whispered.
"I'm dead…?" Adam asked his voice hoarse, raw. James' heart broke further.
"No." He caressed Adam's cheek gently.
Adam blinked once, twice, three times. He lifted his hand. James caught the movement and took Adam's hand in his own watching as a tear fell on Adam's cheek. "James…"
"I'm sorry, baby. So sorry I left you alone. I'll never ever do that again. Please forgive me." James kissed Adam's palm. He saw Adam's breath hitch.
"It's a dream." Adam said weakly. James shook his head. "I'm dreaming… hallucinating…" He let go of James' hand and covered his face with both hands. James pulled them away and made Adam look him in the eyes.
"I'm here. I'm right here and I'm not going anywhere." James said sternly.
Adam looked him in the eyes from the longest time before he broke down crying. James simply hugged Adam to his chest saying nothing. No words would ever be enough to fix what was wrong between them, but maybe, just maybe actions would.
Two days later Adam was being released and taken out of the hospital through the back leaving a very annoying and annoyed pack of paparazzi and news crews out front to argue with the security guys James had paid to have literally "take roots" there.
James took Adam to his place where he'd turned the guest room into Adam's quarters – for fear Adam would be reluctant about sharing his bed. The two days James hadn't left his side had made things a bit better between them, but the hurt and sorrow that had separated them months ago was still there and needing to be "aired".
Adam was surprised to find himself at James' place. He had bought the home after their break up and Adam had no idea what to expect, but the home was beautiful, though under-furnished. Welcoming, in its own way, yet somehow incomplete.
Adam's heart ached in his chest seeing himself surrounded by James' stuff and smell. Tears threatened to spill again, but he held back. "This place is beautiful." He finally managed with a chocked voice.
"Thank you. It's not done." James replied honestly, without thinking what he was saying. His own heart was racing like crazy seeing Adam in the middle of his living room. He seemed to fit in perfectly. James' heart ached with longing for the man in front of him, but his brain held him back. When Adam met his gaze – blue to hazel, hazel to blue – James knew, instinctively, that Adam shared his feelings.
"Why did you bring me here?" Adam asked in a small voice, holding his gaze.
"To recover…" Adam looked away. "To talk… to spend a bit of time together…"
"For old times' sake?" Adam asked in the same small voice.
He sounded broken and it made James move to his side, on the couch and hug him close. "Not only. Not really…"
Adam finally allowed his tears to fall as he hid his face in the crook of James' neck.
"Why?" Adam finally managed to ask.
James sighed knowing perfectly well what Adam was referring to. Still. He needed to hear the question.
"Why what, baby?"
Adam only sobbed harder. "Why did you leave…" He managed to choke out.
"Because I had had my fill, baby."
Adam pulled away, wiped his tears off angrily. "Your fill?" He spat as his tears ran dry.
James sighed and took Adam's hand in his. They matched. They fit. It was so right it hurt. "I had told you about a million times how much it hurt to see you parade around with boy-toys just to keep your image…"
Adam jerked away in anger, standing from the couch, pacing around in front of James' fireplace. James could both see and feel Adam's uncontrollable anger flair.
"Boy-toys…" Adam returned his word.
"Seeing you kiss other men or women, even for some stupid photo shoot hurt me, Adam. It still hurts now when I think back on it…"
"How do you think I felt when you kept me away from the public eye? Like you were embarrassed of me? Like I was dirt – filth on your perfect boy-next-door-goodie-two-shoes image?" Adam yelled at the top of his lungs. That second James was grateful his neighbors were far enough away not to call the cops on them.
"Baby…" James tried.
"Don't you BABY me!" Adam cut him off. James nodded shortly, keeping his voice calm and even.
"Adam, I explained this to you – I work at Nickelodeon – small children look up to me. I can't be gay. I can't slip up. I need to be the boy-next-door-goodie-two-shoes – as you poetically put it. You were NOT dirt and I was NOT ashamed to be with you. I just had to stick with my contract and think of the teens that look up to me, that expect me…"
"And that just leaves me in the dust, doesn't it?" Adam yelled again, tears spilling from his eyes – again.
"No, Adam, it doesn't." James replied calmly. "It leaves you in my heart." He stated as a matter of fact.
Adam stopped pacing and looked James in the eyes. His gaze like steal – cold and hard – cutting through James' heart like a warm knife through butter.
"In your heart…" Adam parroted with half a voice, his anger gone, dissolved as if it had been nothing but smoke in the wind.
James stood. He slowly crossed the physical distance between the two of them hoping to bridge the emotional chasm as he wrapped his arms around Adam's waist, his face on Adam's shoulder, their chests pushed together until no air remained between the two of them. "In my heart, in my bed, in my secret inner world that I allow no one else to touch." James' whispered, his voice somewhat muffled against Adam's t-shirt.
"It didn't feel that way when you walked out that door." Adam retorted with pain in his voice. He pushed against James' biceps but didn't succeed to push James away. Instead of moving away James held on tighter.
"I was stupid. I thought I could live without you."
"I don't need your pity, James. I'm not some handicapped shit just because I almost ODed." Adam spat with venom. James froze at his words. "I know my limit now." James heard Adam smirk and his heart stopped. He pulled back a little just enough to look Adam in the eyes.
"You mean…"
"Let me go, James."
"I can't…"
"You did it once. It shouldn't be that hard." Adam stopped pushing against James' arms. Instead he allowed his hands to fall limply next to his body as he stared into James' eyes. James shivered. He only saw determination and anger in the blue of Adam's gaze and it scared him.
James shook his head against the wave of rejection flowing freely from Adam's body. "It was the hardest, stupidest thing I've ever done in my life. There nothing I regret more."
"Well, it's done now, you can't take it back."
"Adam…" James whispered, at a loss for words.
"Just let me go." Adam shoved James aside easily as he was now frozen with fear that Adam had found a way to overdose on purpose.
Adam picked up his coat and duffle bag and headed for the door, a single stray tear staining his cheek as his feet moved one in front of the other, on autopilot. His heart was worse than in pieces, it was in dust. He was willingly walking away from the love of his life, but James had hid him away, had shoved him aside, had completely shattered him once and Adam was not willing to go through that all over again. But before he could reach the door James' strong arms wrapped around his torso, pinning him to his strong chest.
"Please, Adam, don't go… I can't lose you."
"You already lost me… You let me go, James… You walked out…" Adam said sternly, his voice not even cracking though tears were bubbling up inside of him.
"I was an idiot, ok?" James yelled forcibly turning Adam to face him. "I cried myself to sleep every night in my cold empty bed. I missed you with every breath. Please, just… give me another chance, please!"
Adam laughed in his face. "Sometimes I forget how good an actor you really are, James. You don't have to pretend for my sake. I won't try to kill myself. And even if I did – I'm not a child. I'm not your responsibility." He snickered and pushed James in the chest. Hard. "I have no business here. Let. Me. Go." He emphasized every word.
"No."
"Let. Me. Go!"
"No, Adam, NO!"
Adam growled from deep inside his chest. Though his body was still a little weak from the accidental overdose, adrenaline fueled him a fist painfully colliding with James' rib cage without warning. James' huffed heavily, his eyes widening at the violent reaction. "I. Said. Let. Go." And James did, his arms wrapping around his own torso. Adam turned and walked out whispering a small "I'm sorry" through his tears as he stepped out the door.
James simply stood there, frozen, for the longest time. Seeing Adam walk out hurt more than any words could ever express. Hearing Adam say he thought it was all an act hurt even more. He felt broken, shattered, in pieces. When he finally snapped out of it and realized what had actually happened he literally flew out the door not even bothering to lock it behind himself. He ran down the street at full speed and caught up to Adam, grabbing his shoulder.
"You asshole!" James growled before his fist collided with Adam's gut making him double over. James then proceeded to unceremoniously throw Adam over his shoulder. He grabbed Adam's duffle bag with his free arm and strutted down the street back to his home like nothing out of the ordinary was happening. Fear of losing Adam and anger over getting sucker punched pumping enough adrenaline in his blood to take on an army.
"Put me the fuck down." Adam yelled as he kicked and flailed at the top of his abilities, as being flung over James' strong shoulder on a recently punched gut was taking the wind out of him a little. He felt girlish and somewhat weak in this position, especially when James smacked his ass – hard – to stop him from wiggling. Adam yelped.
"No." James answered as he walked back into the privacy of his home, shutting the door with his foot before walking up the stairs. He deposited Adam on the guest room bed, making him bounce up from the mattress and left the duffle bag at the foot of the bed. "This will be your room for – at least – the following week, while you're still not 100%. Doctors allowed you to leave the hospital into my care. I am responsible for you." James scolded him like a child.
"I am older than you…" Adam tried to retort and James snickered.
"Age didn't give you wisdom." He answered back, voice filled with sarcasm. "Now. YOU are under MY care." James pointed to each of them in turn. "I will NOT allow you to leave this house for the following week. Am I clear?"
"That's kidnapping."
"Everyone of my friends and yours, for that matter, know where you are."
"Then imprisonment."
"Fine. After this week is over, and you're fully healthy again, you can press charges."
Adam's eyes widened and his demeanor changed slightly at the surprise of James' words. Did James really think him capable of something like that? Adam's heart constricted in his chest.
"But…" James carried on with a sigh. "Until then… you'll have to live with me and allow me to care for you the way I didn't these past three months, eight days and two hours…" James' voice got quieter and quieter as he almost ended up counting the minutes since he and Adam had broken up, a new knife cutting through him as he remembered the pain of walking out and Adam's hurt expression.
Adam didn't find the words to reply. He just stared at James disbelieving. James took it as an acceptance of his terms and turned to go make some food for the both of them.
"I'll go make dinner…" James mumbled heading for the door, head slightly hung in between his shoulders with never-ending guilt.
" And twenty two minutes…" Adam whispered when James' hand was on the door handle. A warmth took over James' chest making him freeze. Adam stood and walked to the window on the opposite side of the room. James turned and looked at his back.
For a moment neither man moved. Adam felt James' eyes on his back and heard the sigh that had left the other man's chest before turning to the door once more and exiting the room. That's when he finally allowed himself to do what he hadn't for three months, eight days and two hours and thirty minutes – he broke down crying, hugging himself. He now had a week by James' side. One more week of bliss and then… well, he didn't care what would happen then. As tears flowed down his cheeks Adam made a decision to himself. A decision which gave him strength. He stood up, stopped crying and grabbed his duffle bag. He put his clothes away, grabbed a clean pair of sweats and a random top and went to take a long hot shower in James' pristine guest bathroom, with his perfectly fluffy towels and his Cuda products.
"Adam, dinner's ready." James called from the base of the stairs then went back to finish setting up the table. He felt Adam come down to the kitchen rather than hearing him and turned slowly. A smile formed on his face seeing Adam fresh out of the shower, smelling of his Cuda Man Wash.
"You don't have to do this…" Adam whispered as he got closer.
James nodded. "I know. I want to, though." He could not stop smiling. Seeing Adam in his home, at his table, James could not stop smiling. He pulled Adam's chair and helped him sit at the table.
"I'm not a girl, James, I don't need this…"
"Please, just let me…" James sat down next to Adam. "Let me take care of you, let me show you how sorry I am, please, just… one chance, Adam, one." James took Adam's hand in his and kissed his knuckles. "One. Please." James whispered against the skin of his hand.
Adam averted his eyes biting his lip. One week, he thought, one week of heaven. He nodded ever so slightly, warmth spreading through his whole body. One week. One week. He lifted his gaze to James' and nodded again. "One." He said out loud and James understood something else then what Adam had meant, but it wasn't important. The only important thing was James' blinding smile, his soft lips that pressed against Adam's own and the happy tears that flowed from them both.
"I love you so much." James whispered. "I'll never ever put us through that. I promise. Never."
Instead of an answer Adam crashed his lips onto James', tears still rolling on his face. When James moved to sit on his haunches just to be closer to him, Adam's treacherous heart skipped a beat. He cupped James' face and kissed him sweetly before allowing James to place his head on his lap and hug his waist. Adam smiled, petting James' soft hair.
"One condition, though." He whispered softly.
"Anything, just name it."
"I get to share your bed."
James' head shot up in surprise, Adam's hand still resting on it. "Are you sure?"
"Yes."
James beamed. "Then, yes. I would want nothing more." He replied without a shadow of a doubt as Adam's hand slid gently, lovingly down the side of his face.
Adam's stomach rumbled effectively ruining the moment. They both smiled as James got up and served their food. Dinner passed by quietly, both men content in each other's company, not needing words, as words had done so much damage between the two of them. The night passed even faster after James suggested seeing a movie in front of the fireplace with a bowl of buttery popcorn, just like Adam loved them. It didn't take long for them to fall into each other's embrace as if the past three months had never happened, Adam finding his place at James' side, on his chest, in his arms with so much ease it scared him a little. One week, he reminded himself. One week, he chanted as he fell into restful sleep lulled by the rhythmic thumpthumpthump of James' heart.
James noticed Adam's breathing become regular and realized he had fallen asleep. He closed the TV and the boring movie and snuggled closer into Adam's warm body, pulling the throw cover off the couch to cover them both. He stayed awake as much as his tired body and mind allowed, watching over Adam's sleep, ever so gently caressing his hair.
"I love you, Adam." He whispered before falling into a deep sleep filled with dreams of a black wolf that had Adam's blue eyes.
Like I said in the beginning - TO BE CONTINUED - now, please REVIEW
Love,
Emy