Row After Row Of Desolation
A Screenplay by Swamp Thing
Begun: 1-18-11
Completed: 7-23-12
EXT. Hall Of Justice
Opening sequence. As each hero is introduced, we are shown a quick shot of him, her or them fighting crime or springing into some form of action, e.g. Superman flying, Aquaman summoning fish, Batman and Robin climbing a wall, Wonder Woman piloting her invisible jet, and Rorschach hacking into the head of a dog with a meat cleaver.
ANNOUNCER (VO)
Challenge Of The Super Friends! The World's Finest Superheroes united for the common cause of defending the common good! Superman! Wonder Woman! Aquaman! Batman and Robin! The Wonder Twins, Zan and Janya, and their lovable space monkey, Gleek! And visiting heroes: Rorschach! The Comedian! The New Nite Owl! Dr. Manhattan! And The Silk Spectre! They are…THE SUPER FRIENDS!
Fade from opening titles. We move to
EXT. Space
Dr. Manhattan and Space Monkey Gleek fly about with purpose and adventure in their twinkling eyes.
ANNOUNCER (VO)
Today, Dr. Manhattan and Space Monkey Gleek deal with an alien threat.
EXT. Woods
Above, Archimedes flies, piloted by Nite Owl, with Rorschach, Batman, Robin, Swamp Thing and John Constantine riding, all looking determined.
ANNOUNCER (VO)
Then, Batman and Robin along with new friends Nite Owl and Rorschach and special guest team Swamp Thing and John Constantine deal with forest fires.
EXT. Beach
Zan, Janya and The Comedian are scolding kids who are holding heroin needles.
ANNOUNCER (VO)
The Wonder Twins, Zan and Janya join The Comedian to teach beach-goers to say no to drugs.
INT. Brainiac's Spaceship.
Superman, Batman, Robin, Nite Owl, Rorschach, Zan, The Comedian, Janya, Dr. Manhattan, Space Monkey Gleek, Silk Spectre, Wonder Woman and Aquaman are ganging up on an as-yet-unseen foe.
ANNOUNCER (VO)
And finally, the Super Friends team up with the Watchmen to stop Brainiac from his most fiendish scheme of the year. All today on SUPER FRIENDS.
INT. Hall Of Justice
The usual gang of superheroes (Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, Robin and Aquaman)are seated around a conference table. The monitor clicks on and their dispatcher appears.
DISPATCHER
Super Friends! We have urgent news! The multiverse is collapsing in upon itself! Those behind it seem to be Adrian Veidt, former protector of a far-away universe far from our own and disconnected entirely from our own 52 known worlds, and a mysterious woman called Pandora.
BATMAN
Destroying the multiverse? The nerve!
DISPATCHER
Not exactly, Caped Crusader. They believe that by collapsing it in upon itself, they are in fact serving the greater good. Mr. Veidt, I'm told, did the same thing with his world by creating a fake alien invasion because nothing scares folks more than aliens. No offense, Man Of Steel.
SUPERMAN
Whatever, man, I'm used to it.
DISPATCHER
But fear not! You will not need to complete this mission alone. Joining you will be the heroes from Veidt's world. They include a psychotic fellow who believes his mask is his face, a pervert who can't get it up without wearing his superhero costume, a naked blue guy with limitless power but a complete detachment from all human emotion, a rapist and a really bitter, angry chain-smoker who is strongly emotionally damaged. Well, good bye, good luck on your mission, have lots of fun!
WONDER WOMAN
Wait, is it too late to just go on the mission by ourselves? I mean, those guys sound kind of messed up. In fact, they seem kind of live warped versions of L.A.W or something.
DISPATCHER
As crazy meta as that statement was, Wonder Woman, I'm afraid they will be joining you. I have spoken. Be seeing you!
He disappears from the screen.
AQUAMAN
Boy, it looks like we're in a sticky situation that even I can't wash away! You know, wash away? Because I'm Aquaman, and water washes away, sticky stuff and…yeah, this mission is just gonna suck, isn't it?
ROBIN
Holy dysfunction! Why would anybody put superheroes who are that messed up in our multiverse?
BATMAN
Dollar signs, Boy Wonder. The Question once lent me a copy of Watchmen. Adrian Veidt is a savior in his mind, yes, but he is also a business man. And putting the characters from DC's popular Watchmen graphic novel into our world would dramatically increase sales of our comics.
ROBIN
Holy puppets! You mean our lives are not even ours to control?
SUPERMAN
Hardly, my acrobatic friend. We are at the mercy of generations of writers and artists and even they often have to bow to the desires of rabid fans.
BATMAN
Oh, wake up and smell the Kryptonite, Clark. The publishers, writers and artists don't give half a crap about the fans. They're there to make money, and lots of it. Look at poor Billy.
ROBIN
What happened to Billy? You mean Captain Marv-
ALL OTHERS
Don't say it!
SUPERMAN
Yeah…his name is Shazam now.
ROBIN
But that doesn't even make a smidgeon of sense. Shazam was the name of the wizard who gave Billy the powers of Captain Marv-
BATMAN
Seriously, don't say it, old chum.
ROBIN
Captain Marvel, Captain Marvel, Captain Marvel! I have died and been reborn and recast more times than any of you combined!
Everyone counts silently on their fingers.
AQUAMAN
He's right.
ROBIN
And in all of those lifetimes, Billy's been Captain Marvel! Now we're just supposed to turn around and call him Shazam?
SUPERMAN
Well…we didn't want to point any fingers, but…some people were too big of bitches about their moms being dead…
BATMAN
Oh, please, don't start with me, Clark. Yeah, yeah, your problems are so much bigger than mine, because your planet blew up, but you know what? You were raised by normal parents, had dates, went to dances, had a regular job…
SUPERMAN
Yeah, that was way more fun that living off inheritance in a mansion with no responsibility.
WONDER WOMAN
Ouch, one point for the Last Son Of Krypton.
SUPERMAN
Thank you, Diana. But I wasn't even talking about you, Bruce. It was Barry. He needed to go and change a bunch of time stuff to deal with his dead mom, and now everything is all screwy.
BATMAN
And, given that DC is bringing back Watchmen characters in new stories some of which are insultingly unlike the source material, it's really only a matter of time before they show up in our books.
ROBIN
Holy no sooner said than done, Batman! Look!
ANNOUNCER (VO)
Yes, into the Hall Of Justice, they step! Christ almighty, it's the goddamn Watchmen!
They enter as he announces them.
ANNOUNCER (VO)
The Comedian! Nite Owl and Rorschach! Silk Spectre! And Dr. Manhattan!
ZAN
I can't speak for the table, but Janya and I have been waiting for this moment forever!
WONDER WOMAN
What, why?
JANYA
Because it means we can all finally experience Gleek And Dr. Manhattan's Super Spacey Super Outer Space Super Adventure For Blue Characters Who Go Into Space!
ANNOUNCER
Indeed! Today's episode will find Dr. Manhattan and Space Monkey Gleek in a crazy, zany adventure that all takes place simultaneously and involves Gleek causing far more problems than he solves. Yes, it is, at last the moment you've been waiting for even if you didn't want to admit it, Gleek And Dr. Manhattan's Super Spacey Super Outer Space Super Adventure For Blue Characters Who Go Into Space!
The title card appears with Gleek and Dr. Manhattan getting ready to spring into action! Then back to the Hall Of Justice. Only now, the "Watchmen" are seated, with Nite Owl and Rorschach next to Batman and Robin, Silk Spectre and Wonder Woman gossiping, The Comedian slapping Aquaman with a dead fish and Dr. Manhattan with Gleek on his shoulder as if he were a pirate.
DR. MANHATTAN
I sit in the Hall Of Justice. The space monkey is upon my shoulder. I am waking up this morning. My heart is filled with excitement about seeing the space monkey. I am going to bed last night. Dreams of the space monkey prepare to fill my head. The big screen guy is preparing to give us our latest mission.
Screen comes on.
SCREEN DUDE
Super Friends! We have an urgent mission that requires the urgent attention of Dr. Manhattan and Gleek! That new exciting team that all the kids are cheering about!
ROBIN
Well, I've seen stranger team-ups.
BATMAN
Lying is a crime, old chum.
ROBIN
I know…
DR. MANHATTAN
I am completing the mission. The space monkey offers me a high five. I accept. It is the first time I have received a high five from a space monkey.
SCREEN DUDE
That's really swell that you can do that, Doc. But, for the rest of us, we need to see you actually complete the mission. Are you…prepared to start?
DR. MANHATTAN
Yes.
SCREEN DUDE
Are you…all set to commence?
DR. MANHATTAN
I am.
SUPERMAN
Please just say your catch phrase so we can move on to the next scene.
DR. MANHATTAN
I am ready to begin.
GLEEK
Come, Dr. Manhattan! We must away to the Blue Space Hover Ship That Travels Into Space!
ROBIN
Gleek talks now?
BATMAN
Just…really, this is where you draw the line?
ROBIN
Look, this is hard, can you just…I know you're Batman but can you just relax for a minute, please? I'm dealing with a lot right now.
BATMAN
You're right, old chum. I'm sorry.
SUPER FRIENDS OUTER SPACE LOGO TRANSITION!
Then…
EXT. Space
Dr. Manhattan is flying with his arms outstretched, because he's a Super Friend now, sucker! Gleek is upon his back.
GLEEK
Alright, my brother in blue. The time is now to separate the men from the boys, the monkeys from the apes, the strange cell-rebuilding things from the things that do not rebuild their cells.
DR. MANHATTAN
I am agreeing with the space monkey.
GLEEK
Spectacular. According to the information that was faxed to me this morning on my banana phone, Dr. Sivana and Darkseid have teamed up with Ozymandias to stop the squid-monster from eating on the Indian food on the planet Mogo.
DR. MANHATTAN
I am hearing this information and realizing eat is a doozy.
GLEEK
Indeed it shall be, my similarly-pigmented companion. I do hope one of your crazy infinite super powers is handling spicy food, because, brother, you and me…we're gonna eat us a whole massive amount of curry before the sun sets on this fine day.
DR. MANHATTAN
I am taking a tums to prevent future heartburn.
GLEEK
Product placement.
SUPER FRIENDS LOGO OUTER SPACE TRANSITION
Then…
EXT. The Planet Mogo
GLEEK
Now remember, this entire planet is a living being and a member of the Green Lantern Corps. It is very important we treat Mogo with the proper respect. Somewhere around here is the squid-monster. He will be eating a lot of Indian food. He probably won't know yet that this tale's villains have any plans to stop him.
DR. MANHATTAN
I am locating the squid-monster.
GLEEK
Okay, I know you don't experience things the way other people do, but when you say things like that, it sounds like…
DR. MANHATTAN
No, seriously, he's right over there.
He points. Indeed he is there. And he is eating a clay bowl of Indian food.
GLEEK
Oh, great, thanks, man.
DR. MANHATTAN
Good citizen! Your Indian dinner is, I fear, in mortal danger!
GLEEK
Oh, now you talk like people?
DR. MANHATTAN
Hey, it's the job, my monkey brother from a blue-butted mother.
GLEEK
Sure.
DR. MANHATTAN
Please, distribute your curry to two other bowls so that the space monkey and myself can assist you in consuming your meal before the villains arrive.
SQUID-MONSTER
Hey…you guys are blue. And one of you is a space monkey. That's awesome! Eating an Indian dinner with two blue folks, one of whom is a space monkey, while I am upon a planet that is a itself a member of the Green Lantern Corps, is like, literally number one on my bucket list.
GLEEK
Well, it appears today is your lucky day! But only if we can finish our dinner before the villains arrive!
SQUID-MONSTER
Then we haven't a moment to lose!
He distributes his food into three small bowls. Gleek and Dr. Manhattan join him. They eat quietly for a time.
GLEEK
This is some tasty curry.
DR. MANHATTAN
We haven't the time for small talk.
GLEEK
Oh, you're going to talk to me about time now?
They do the Saturday morning cartoon laugh.
SQUID-MONSTER
Wait, I thought we only did that laugh at the end of the mission.
DR. MANHATTAN
Hey, when you rock with the Doc, everything is out of sequence. Besides, it's looks like we're all done. And here they are.
Indeed, Dr. Sivana, Ozymandias and Darkseid now stand before them!
DR. SIVANA
Curses! We are too late!
OZYMANDIAS
I told you guys we should have gotten here thirty-five minutes ago.
DARKSEID
I swear there will be a next time, Super Friends!
TITLE CARD: INTO THE WOODS!
Title card features three groups of Super Heroes standing triumphantly. They are Batman and Robin, Nite Owl and Rorschach and Swamp Thing and John Constantine.
EXT. Street
The Batmobile is rolling as Archimedes flies above.
ANNOUNCER (VO)
Batman and Robin, with a little help from their new aerial companions Nite Owl and Rorschach, engaged in a routine patrol of Gotham City, when suddenly…
INT. Batmobile
There is a beeping sound.
ROBIN
Holy Star Trek, Batman! The commissioner is making contact.
BATMAN
Indeed, Boy Wonder.
He pushes a button.
BATMAN
Go ahead, commissioner.
COMMISIONER GORDON (VO)
Batman! It seems a string of wildfires is taking place!
INT. Archie
Beeping sound. Nite Owl pushes a button.
BATMAN (VO)
Batman to Nite Owl.
NITE OWL
Nite Owl here. Go ahead, Caped Crusader.
BATMAN
Commissioner Gordon has informed me about a chain of wildfires. We're going to go check it out. We'd love it if you and Rorschach could help!
Nite Owl turns to Rorschach.
NITE OWL
How 'bout a little fire, scarecrow?
RORSCHACH
A reference to a popular children's film and a joke at the expense of my slender frame. Ha-ha-ha.
NITE OWL
Uh, yeah. But seriously, you okay with checking out some fires?
RORSCHACH
Fire okay. Does not bother me. Thinking of the Martian.
NITE OWL
Sometimes I don't know where you're from, Rorschach.
EXT. Forest
Batmobile parks as Archie lands. All four heroes step out.
BATMAN
Well, this forest seems fairly unburned.
RORSCHACH
For now.
Soon, Swamp Thing and John Constantine approach.
JOHN CONSTANTINE
Hello there, masked mates. Here about the fires that bloke Martin Stein has been starting?
ROBIN
Martin Stein? Holy accident, Batman! He's half of our good pal Firestorm!
BATMAN
Indeed he is, Robin! Pardon me, good sir, but this is a serious accusation! Particularly coming from someone with a lit cigarette in a public park.
JOHN CONSTANTINE
Let me tell you the secret to lighting wild fires, mate. Any cunt can do it. And another thing, your little friend in his queer little tights was correct. Not about his choice in wardrobe, certainly, but in his statement that this was, indeed, an accident. You super blokes, you don't always know your own strength. Flying about with a lit fire on your head…that can certainly set things off, couldn't it?
NITE OWL
That is pretty valid.
RORSCHACH
So what do we do?
SWAMP THING
The Green speaks to me.
JOHN CONSTANTINE
Yes, I'd imagine it would say tell your friend to stop flying above forests with a lit fucking head.
ROBIN
I suppose you are correct!
BATMAN
And let that be a lesson to all of us: flying around with a lit head can be fun, but always be safe!
TITLE CARD: HOW TO SPELL NO!
The title card features The Comedian standing in between the Wonder Twins.
EXT. Beach
Two beach-goers, John and Sally, are seated on a blanket.
SALLY
Gosh, John, there sure are some crazy waves out today! Surfing sure does give me a rush!
JOHN
Hey, I know an even better way to get a rush! It's called heroin!
He takes out a needle. Suddenly, The Comedian and the Wonder Twins are upon them.
THE COMEDIAN
Hey, you kids. If I see you shooting heroin, I'm going to shoot you in the face.
ZAN
Well, that pretty much covers it.
JANYA
Spacey, Comedian. Real spacey.
TITLE CARD: The Rebirth Of Brainiac!
Insanely overcrowded card with all the heroes we have met on our journey. They all seem quite ready to spring into action, and oh…spring into action they shall, true believer. Spring into action. They. Shall.
EXT. Swamp
The Hall Of Doom sits ominously in the smog.
ANNOUNCER (VO)
Another smoggy day at the Hall Of Doom!
INT. Hall Of Doom!
The usual suspects are gathered around their traditional board room table, but they are joined by a rather unexpected visitor! It is THE JOKER! Oh whoah, buddy, we are not talking about some fun-lovin' Jack Nicholson or some goofy mustachioed Ceasar Romero, whoah-ho no, Sunny Jim Lee, everybody's gonna be dead here because this is the craziest of the kooky, that fella played by Heath Ledger!
LEX LUTHOR
So, before Solomon Grundy reads the minutes of our last Legion Of Doom meeting, I…well I need to address an elephant in the room. Not a literal elephant. Although we all have one. Mine's in California. Anyway, this a metaphorical elephant. It has no name. No other aliases. Nothing in its pockets but knives and lint. Of course, I'm talking about The Joker.
THE JOKER
Hi…I don't want there to be any tension between us.
LEX LUTHOR
Well, I wouldn't go so far as to call it tension…but…you can't be here legally. You can't be here because DC Comics didn't license you to Hannah Barbera.
THE JOKER
Look at me…Look at me…LOOK AT ME! Do I look like somebody who cares about licensing agreements between Hannah Barbera and DC Comics? I don't follow corporations and their schemes. I just do things.
EXT. Hall Of Justice
ANNOUNCER (VO)
Meanwhile, at the hall Of Justice!
INT. Hall Of Justice
Robin and Rorschach are playing table tennis. Rorschach wins, the ball bouncing loudly off the computer. With that, the computer turns on, with the face of the Super Friends' boss dude!
SUPER FRIENDS' BOSS DUDE
Super Friends and their new companions, The Watchmen! We have urgent news!
RORSCHACH
Never has casual news.
ROBIN
Holy blunt observation, Rorschach!
SUPER FRIENDS' BOSS DUDE
Well, you know, if you guys would call every once in a while. This is our job, we dispatch super heroes. And you expect me to just be social with you guys? You guys are some selfish assholes. We should call you the Super Jerk-Faces. That's what I'm going to call this show now. Challenge Of The Super Jerk-Faces.
SUPERMAN
Okay, okay. Point made. I'm sorry. What's the emergency?
SUPER FRIENDS' BOSS DUDE
Okay, remember that thing from the beginning of this episode where I was telling you that Ozymandias and Pandora were merging universes together?
BATMAN
You did mention that, yes.
ROBIN
Holy recall!
NITE OWL
Are we going to spring into action soon? Kind of have half a boner here.
SUPER FRIENDS' BOSS DUDE
Well, we fear it is much worse than we feared.
RORSCHACH
Lots of fear.
ROBIN
Holy fear!
NITE OWL
I fear I'm going to explode in my pants if there isn't some adventure soon. I've named my penis Finn because it only springs into action when it's adventure time.
ROBIN
Holy TMI!
SUPER FRIENDS' BOSS DUDE
They have brought The Joker into the Legion Of Doom. And not just any Joker. The Heath Ledger Joker.
ROBIN
Holy way-too-realistic Joker!
SUPERMAN
Okay…Nite Owl, you go with Hawkman, because I like bird themes. Wonder Woman and I will join Aquaman under the sea in an octopus's garden in the shade, Batman and The Comedian take the Invisible Jet to Oa for the alligator-Killer Croc annual pie-eating contest and Shaggy, you and Scooby go with Daphne.
SHAGGY
Like, I'm all for jokes, but this is ridiculous!
Too late! There is an explosion! Where the giant super cool Super Friends super computer once was, there is now just a super-big crater! And in that crater…stands THE JOKER!
THE JOKER
Would you like to know…how I got these scars?
AQUAMAN
Sure, I guess.
WONDER WOMAN
I mean, we were all going to leave to try to stop you, but I guess now that you're here we have some free time.
THE JOKER
Well, hello, beautiful. You must be Batman's squeeze.
WONDER WOMAN
In some adaptations. Other times Superman.
THE JOKER
Well, aren't you on the road to Morocco? You certainly do get around. And you have a mighty smart mouth.
He approaches her and puts his knife in her mouth.
THE JOKER
I used to have a smart mouth my own self. Then, one day, a nun at the Catholic school I attended put a crucifix in it. And cut the smarts right out of it.
WONDER WOMAN
That doesn't sound like something that happens. Let's check.
She wraps the lasso of truth around him.
THE JOKER
Actually, I don't remember how I really got the scars, if I have to have a past, I prefer it to be multiple choice!
FRED
Hey, Wonder Woman! You got him! Nifty!
WONDER WOMAN
I think this new multiverse is gonna be just fine!
They all laugh, looking up.
THE END