Disclaimer: I don't own shit, not Eva, or any of the other...things or actors mentioned in this story.
Because I'm a lazy bastard I'm going to summarize the important bits before the story. SEELE attacks, they lose and get their heads chopped off, third impact averted and it is now a year later, NERV is disbanded due to the lack of angels to slaughter and now all of the employees must find new jobs.....except the children, who still have to go to school...suckers.
And away we go.
The sun is shining, birds are chirping and wonderful silence shaped the perfect morning in the Katsuragi/Sorhyu/Ikari apartment.
"SHINJI IKARI YOU GET UP RIGHT NOW AND MAKE MY BREAKFAST!"
So much for perfect.
Our hero of this story, of many stories and more often than not deemed to be the universe's bitch was at this very moment snoring peacefully on his futon, ignorant to the raging redhead on the other side of his door.
Unfortunetly a happy, peaceful Shinji goes against the very nature of this story, this animated series and the company producing the Shinji Awareness DVD's. Can you believe that since they went on the market suicide rates dropped to practically zero as everyone who watched them learned that no matter how fucked up their lives where, Shinji's was worse? No one would ever be able to look at Persimmons the same way again after having seen what Asuka had done with them to Shinji in the video.
Although on the bright side the plumbers, George Clooney and the company that makes Mr Sheen (a cleaning spray), made a killing from the Persimmon incident, as its now called.
The thin wooden door shattered as Asuka slammed it open, her fiery gaze falling onto the sleeping Shinji as the gears in her mind started to work.
She had lived with the wimp an the drunkard for over a year now and it was a few and far between occurence that Shinji was asleep and oblivious to the world while someone else was awake. She took in his sleeping features, his goofy drool covered grin, messy hair and bare skin-
She stopped short, her eyes locked on the bare skin peaking our from underneath the covers. It then dawned on her that underneath that blanket laid Shinji Ikari. Naked.
She grinned, a twisted smile of delight reaching towards each of her ears as off in the distance a baby started to cry, thunder cracked and eight dogs, four cats and a swallow carrying a coconut screeched.
While she will deny it with fervor that would make even the most fanatical door-to-door salesman jealous, she admitted to herself that she liked the young, wimpy, spineless and whipped Shinji. Liked him so much that on more than one occaison she had to knock herself out to stop herself from going into his room at night and making little Shinji's. Unfortunetely Shinji was under the impression that one day instead of trying to hug him, Asuka was trying to strangle him.
It all kind of went downhill from there.
So, here was her chance to catch a peak at the boy she adored without the fear of being caught out by either the floozy or her crush, and from the way he was now snoring the chances of him waking up were pretty much nil.
Keeping low to the ground she slinked towards her prey like a cat, her breathing hitching slightly as she came closer and closer to her objective. Her eyes darted around quickly, making sure she was alone before stretching out one hand slowly towards the edge of hte blanket, her heart pounding as she curled her fingers around it.
In her mind danced hundreds of images of what Shinji might look like in the buff. Her blush intensified after each one skipped through her minds eye. A few moments later she absently wiped the drool off her chin before returning to the task at hand.
With slow, precise movements the lovestruck red-head started to pull the blanket back, her eyes widening as she was treated with the sight of more unexposed skin. She stopped just short of his waist, debating whether or not she should continue. On one hand she was curious as to how well...packaged the former EVA pilot was, yet on the other hand she knew that if Shinji found out she peeked it could seriously hurt her chances of getting together with him and rewriting the Karma-Sutra for use with plugsuits.
'Decisions, decisions.' She scanned the rather well toned boy before her, taking in every detail as though this would be the last chance she got to see him like this. 'Screw it, I've come this far.'
Wtih her mind set she tightened her grip on the blanket and in one swift motion jerked it off the sleeping boy entirely. Her eyes held a ravenous look as they sought their prize.
What she saw made her freeze, what laid in front of her was so far beyond what her imagination cooked up that for once in her life she had no idea how to respond while her eyes were locked onto the object and her mouth opened and closed, searching for something, anything to say.
She looked at it.
It looked back at her.
She blinked, just to be sure she wasn't hallucinating like the last time Misato had 'cooked'. She wasn't.
"WARK!"
"AHH!"
Both PenPen and Asuka screamed and pointed at each other accusingly, the noise they were making was enough to wake the dead, or in this case sound their death knell.
"Whats going on?" Shinji sat up, oblivious to the draft as he rubbed the sleep from his eyes.
"WARK!"
"AHH!"
Both Asuka and PenPen hit the boy in the face before running/waddling out of his room. The boy in question fell back onto his pillow, the last thoughts going through his mind were why was PenPen holding a camera and that Asuka's little pink-hearted panties looked cute.
(~)~(~)~(~)~(~)
Meanwhile, on the other side of Tokyo-3 something diabolical was taking place.
The sounds were horrifying, they would send even a veteran interrogator into vomitting convulsions just from imagining what was going on behind this wooden door. The smells were even worse, it was something that cannot be described, but must be experienced in order to understand what true suffering is like.
Flush.
Gendo Ikari emerged from the bathroom, ignoring the menacing glow coming from the door behind him as he made his way to the kitchen.
Entering the kitchen he reached into the cupboard and pulled out a box of pop-tarts, dropping both of them into the toaster before answering his ringing mobile.
"Ikari."
"Yes, I am sure."
"No, it will not be a problem, all of the issues have already been...dealt with."
Clink.
Gendo glanced over to his toasted fruity goodness, his stomach rumbling at the thought of eating the sugary goodness, what he saw however made his blood turn to ice.
The poptarts...
They were burnt.
"Hold on for a minute." As Gendo put the phone down Fuyutsuki could be heard sighing something about poptarts again.
Gendo glared at the pop-tarts, the very thought of their defiance of his will to be toasted made him feel something, something he hadn't felt in a long time.
Now most people when told that Shinji Ikari and Gendo Ikari were actually father and son would consider it one of the best jokes of the year, considering how opposite of each other they are. When that person continued to tell them that in fact they were, then the econd person would commit them to the funny bin, drink a coke and move on with their boring routines of processing angel corpses into cheeseburgers.
However it would most likely prove to kill several people from shock when they discovered that the two were indeed alike.
Disposing of his burnt despair into the garbage, Gendo pulled out some cooking gear and began to cook his breakfast instead. After a moment he remembered the phone and grabbed it.
"What was that?"
"Yes, those infernal things. I might get Akagi to examine them for Angel matter, only they have been as annoying as these latest baked goods."
"No, I am not watching video's of the third cooking while I prepare my meal." Gendo paused the video on the screen, showing one of Shinji's now famous, mouth watering full three-course breakfasts laid out on the dining table of the Katsuragi apartment. He then looked down at his own food.
'This was not in the scenario.' he thought as one of the tentacles reached for his throat.
Fuyutsuki sighed as he heard gunshots come from the other end of the phone-line, putting the call on hold he hit the first number on his speed dial list.
"Tokyo-3 hazardous materials control."
"Its me again." Fuyutsuki wondered if he could charge his phone bills to the new NERV.
"The Commander again?"
"Yes."
"Its the third time this week...forget it, sending a team over there now."
Fuyutsuki clicked the phone back to Gendo's line, the noises coming from the phone could be likened to something out of the Alien movies, gunshots and screeches coming from everywhere.
"Gendo, has everything been taken care of?"
"Yes, the scenario is proceeding according to schedule."
An explosion rattled over the phone and the line went dead.
"You'd think he'd stop buying those damned things...or hire a cook."
(~)~(~)~(~)~(~)
Rei Ayanami.
Translated to English it means Zero . Asuka liked to joke that it meant zero personality. However in reality it meant something else, something worse, much worse.
Something which shall not be covered in this piss-poor attempt at a humor story.
Moving on.
Rei Ayanami rose from mattress and rubbed the sleep from her crimson orbs. After a moment or two of just sitting there she did something so horrific that a bird looking into her window from the tree outside suffered a small stroke.
She smiled.
Getting out of bed she made her way over to her wardrobe before gently, reverently opening the door and letting her eyes fall onto the sight infront of her. A small wooden cabinet with candles, a sock, a pair of brief's, a lock of brown hair, a photo frame and a small plushie wearing a Unit-01 plugsuit.
Yes, it was a shrine to Shinji. Rei's greatest secret. After having been saved from a rapid pancake conversion by Shinji in the first episode her feelings awoke and in no time at all blossomed into the feelings of a lovestruck girl...and a stalker if the items on the shrine where anything to go on.
Kneeling down in front of the shrine the bluette prayed for a few moments before dressing and proceeding to make her usual breakfast of a juice, fruit and a banana dipped in condensed milk...
After breakfast she left her apartment and headed towards school.
'Today's the day, the scenario is proceeding as planned.'
(~)~(~)~(~)~(~)
By the time Shinji Ikari had finally emerged from his bedroom he was greeted with the sight of his guardian draped over the table in very little clothing, singing sea shanty's while drinking a bottle of Tabasco sauce, PenPen and Asuka who were both doing thier best to avoid his gaze. The fact that Misato was drinking Tabasco sauce didn't surprise Shinji in the slightest, having learned long ago that the sheer amount of alcohol that the woman consumes had pretty much killed all of her taste-buds.
Hanging his head and sighing he made his way to the bathroom only to be greeted with two angry red marks on both of his cheeks, poking both of them only to recoil in pain proved to him that he was neither dreaming, hallucinating or had woke up in that dumpster Asuka put him in last week. Shrugging his shoulders he decided it might be best to just ignore the marks, hoping they would fade by the time he got to school.
He showered, made breakfast and for the first time in a long time consumed it in silence as for some reason or another both the pet penguin and firebrand were unusually quiet.
This in itself should have been an omen, but Shinji paid it little mind as Misato finished off the last of her food before heading off to her room to change. She emerged in normal civilian clothes, not one of her usually revealing outfits, just as Shinji had finished making his and Asuka's school lunch and cleaning the dishes.
This should have been another sign to the young boy that the universe was calling his number.
"All right kids, I've got to get going to my new job so the two of you need to walk to school." She ignored the muttered 'thank eva' that came from Shinji. "I'll see both of you later, kay?"
"Bye Misato." Shinji replied as he watched her go...or rather watched her butt go. He'd deny it but the fact was he was still a hormonally charged teenager...even if spinelly-challenged.
Asuka didn't bother saying goodbye since she was in the bathroom, doing what ever it is that girls do in there for long periods of time.
Half an hour later found the pair making their way to school, Shinji sporting a rare smile and Asuka being unusually quiet, her mind still playing out the scene from this morning.
'Such a good chance all ruined because of that damned bird! The hell was he doing anyway?!'
Half way to school the duo ran into Rei, joining her Shinji couldn't help but smile at her, earning a small turning of the lips from her in return. Asuka looked up from the ground for a moment to catch both Shinji and Rei looking at each other before they both looked away.
'Damn wonderbitch! Trying to take what's mine again?! Not this time!'
'Ikari is in a most...pleasant mood today.'
'Yep, today is going to be a good day.'
Somewhere in the universe, Irony was laughing his ass off.
(~)~(~)~(~)~(~)
Ritsuko Akagi, hailed as one of, if not the greatest minds of the human race to date. She had inherited everything from her mother, her brains, looks and tastes in apocolyptic asshole lovers. This was a woman who knew what she wanted and knew how to get it.
And at this very moment, sitting in her new office, this was a woman losing her 32nd game of computer solataire.
Fed up with the 'obviously' rigged game she drained the rest of her coffee, her expression turning to disgust as she swallowed the cold liquid. Turning to her last vice she patted herself down, looking for a cigarette before her green eyes landed on a sign hanging just above the door, her second most hated sign in the world, coming just after the sign for children's crossings.
The sign in question?
No Smoking.
The blonde scowled before launching her coffee mug at said sign, unfortunetely the mug was plastic and just clattered on the ground without shattering.
'Damn Gendo for talking me into this and damn mother for her selfishness and damn that store for not having any cheesecake!'
Needless to say she was less than pleased about her new job after NERV had been officially shut down.
(~)~(~)~(~)~(~)
As the saying goes, a door closes and a window opens. For Kaji Ryouji he finally was able to do his dream job instead of being blackmailed into being a triple agent with photos of him partaking in several acts of indecency. One of which involved a lettuce, Persimmon flowers and a stuffed giraffe. Now that he thought about it...what ever happened to those Persimmon flowers after he finished with them...?
Ding-dong-ding.
(~)~(~)~(~)~(~)
Meanwhile walking up a hill, Shinji Ikari sneezed.
Ding-dong-ding.
"Scheisst! The bell, hurry up Baka and Wonderdoll!" Asuka grabbed Shinji's and Rei's collar's then literally dragged them the last few hundred metres to the school, only to stop short at the sight before the trio.
"I've done nothing wrong!" The principle yelled as several men in suits forced the elderly man into the black sedan. The three men pushing him into the car just grunted in response, one of them pushing the old man's head own before the principle recieved one final shove into the sedan. The three then hopped into the car and within seconds it sped off down the street, the trio of former pilots watching as it screeched around the corner.
'Perhaps the driver is related to the Major?' Rei couldn't help but wince slightly as the speeding car nearly destroyed a dozen others.
"I wonder what that was about?" Shinji faced the others.
"See! I told you he was a pervert! I bet he was taking pictures of me in the change-room!"
"Right...You know some of those men looked familiar..."
"I believe I too have seen them before, although from where I can not remember." Rei tuned out Asuka's usual rant about her superiority. "We should hurry."
"Hey Ayanami?"
"Yes Ikari-Kun?"
"Was it just me, or were those guys wearing bow-ties?"
"They were indeed wearing bow-ties Ikari-Kun." Rei glanced over at Shinji, her poker mask easily hiding her blush as she watched him walk from behind. 'The Major was right. Ikari-Kun does have a cute butt.'
As the trio walked through the gate and into the school Shinji felt a chill go through his body.
'Well, the news said that the Earth was returning to its original axis, I wonder what winter is like.'
(~)~(~)~(~)~(~)
"They're here sir."
"Good work, what are they doing now?"
"If the first child knows then she isn't showing it, however she does occaisonally look at the third when he isn't looking at her. The second child is currently yelling something about perverted teachers and her 'perfect' figure. As for the third...he looks spooked sir. More so than normal."
"He always was rather sensitive, perhaps he's picked up one something. Regardless, how do you like your new posting Mister Ryouji?"
"I couldn't be more thrilled old man."
"I'm not sure if that was sarcastic or not. What about Dr Akagi?"
"What about her?"
"How is she settling into her new post?"
"She started twitching an hour ago, last time she did this it took two months for my eyebrows to grow back."
(~)~(~)~(~)~(~)
"Checkmate!" Kensuke smirked as he once again handed Touji's ass to him.
"Damnit!" Touji, being the impulsive young idiot he is, grabbed one of the pieces and flung it across the classroom without looking. "How the hell do you keep on winning?!"
The only answer he got was silence.
Confused, the jock looked at his friend, the otaku's eyes were wide and his skin was pale. 'If he had blue hair he could be Ayanami's brother.
The silence was momentarily broken by Shinji sneezing.
The hair on the back of Touji's neck stood on end and the atmosphere in the room was now growing steadily darker. It was then Touji noticed that Kensuke was looking behind him, in the direction of the door.
Turning around he saw the reason why everyone was quiet.
There, in the middle of the doorway stood The Great Asuka Langley Sorhyu.
With a rook imprinted onto her forehead.
In an instant Touji understood the situation, and he made the most brilliant conclusion that any human being had ever made throughout all of recorded history.
"I'm a dead man."
(~)~(~)~(~)~(~)
This scene has been deleted due to extreme violence. The writer would like to apologize for this by presenting you with this cute little bunny rabbit.
The rabbit sits on the table, looking at you.
You look at the rabbit.
The rabbit looks at you.
You look at the rabbit.
The rabbit scratches behind its ear.
You go "Awww."
The rabbit leaps up and tears your throat out while in the background, a conjurer called Tim can be heard cackling.
Once the slaughter is over, the rabbit scratches behind its ear.
The end.
(~)~(~)~(~)~(~)
Fifteen minutes, third broken bones, a ruined chess board and a laptop shoved somewhere that laptops just shouldn't be shoved and everyone was talking amongst themselves, all of them careful not to mention anything about the previous massacre just witnessed in fear of either invoking the redhead's wrath, or emptying the contents of their stomach.
Shinji, unfortunetely, was left on his own while Kensuke dragged the remains of Touji to the nurses office. With his new found free time and the intense boredom brought with it he bagan to look around the classroom, hoping to find something to entertain himself with while waiting for the teacher.
Looking around he saw the usual scene of any school. Girls gossiping and giggling, boys fooling around, Hikari and Asuka talking, Rei reading a book, that new transfer student who was possibly more of a military nut than Kensuke cleaning a gun...
Shinji's thoughts came to a screeching halt.
'Ayanami's reading? Since when does she read before class?'
Curious the third child leaned in the direction of the bluette, trying to read the title of the book. When he did his brain came to a complete standstill, unable to process the sheer thought of Rei reading that style of book.
Romeo and Juliet.
Had Shinji been superstitious, this would be interpreted as another omen, along with every other weird occurance this morning.
Had Shinji been superstitious, there is a chance that he might have been able to save himself from the coming nightmare.
Oh well.
Kensuke choose that moment the burst back into the room, garnering the attention of all its occupants and breaking Shinji out his Ayanami induced brain-fart.
"We have a new school nurse! And she's HOT!"
And in a instant all of the boys bum-rushed Kensuke, eager for all of the juicy, illicit details.
None of which will be written in this story. Ha-ha.
Just before Kensuke could get into his vivid description of the new school nurse, the school's intercom screeched into life.
"Could all please report to the assembly hall. All students to the assembly hall."
And so with moaning and groaning, and an Otaku's continuing description of the effects of gravity on gifted school nurses every made their way to the hall, just outside the door Rei came up alongside Shinji.
"Ikari-kun...That voice just now sounded exactly like-"
"-I know, it couldn't be though."
(~)~(~)~(~)~(~)
The assembly hall was packed to the brim with students seemingly all competing to hold the loudest conversation, up on the darkened stage however were a small group of people, hidden in the shadows, watching he proceedings below them.
The speakers in the hall crackled on and the students quietened down, shiftingt their focus from their conversations and onto the stage.
One of the stage lights clicked on, illuminating a woman standing at the front holding a microphone.
The males in the hall broke out into wolf whistling and drooling, some of the females to while the rest glared at the males. For three people however, hey were feeling something very different.
Terror.
"Hi! My name is Misato Katsurgi and I'll be the new homeroom teacher for class 2-D as well as your new english teacher."
"What the hell bis she doing up there?!" Asuka glared at Rei and Shinji, somehow thinking that they already knew about this. She was surprised to see a look of confusion and shock on Rei's face, and a look of absolute horror on Shinji's face.
In fact he looked more terrified then she had ever seen him before, and it concerned her.
'Although he is cute when he's scared.' Asuka smirked, her mind already churning out plans to see more of this particular 'cuteness.'
"Unfortunetely a lot of the old staff have been fired for various reasons, some of them have even been arrested. Since so many staff had been lost the Japanese Board of Education asked as to take over their jobs for them. So I'll introduce you to the new faces your going to be seeing around!" Misato was a natural at getting peoples attention...I wonder why.
More lights flicked on, illuminating the bridge bunnies.
"These are Maya Ibuki, Sigeru Aoba and Makoto Hyuga will be teaching Computer Science, Music and Maths respectively."
More flickering lights, this time on two differant sides of the stage.
"KAJI!"
Everyone in the hall turned to look at the source of the noise, the second child. The redhead glared at all of them, some of them whimpered as they turned back around.
"As Asuka pointed out, this is Ryouji Kaji, he will be your new geography teacher. The woman over there is Dr Ritsuko Akagi, the new school nurse."
At this point Shinji was shaking more than after going driving with Misato, was paler than Rei and was positive that if it was not for the fact he was surrounded he would have already passed out.
'Something is troubling Ikari-kun. I must help him.'
'If he shakes anymore he's going to dislocate something...baka.'
'Please don't let it be what I think it is! Is this some sort of punishment for killing your messengers?!' Shinji glanced to the ceiling as he felt something in both of his hands. Looking down his shaking stopped instantly.
Asuka and Rei were holding his hands.
The shaking stopped because he was now beyond terrified...he was paralyzed with fear.
'I'm so dead, they're going to kill me! This day can't get any worse!'
"And finally, your new principle and vice principle."
The final light flicked on, illuminating the remaining two people of the stage.
'Why did it get worse?!'
'This was not in my scenario.'
'Mein Gott! Were all screwed!'
There, sitting at the desk with his hands clasped unnaturally in front of him sat the former Commander of NERV, and the now Principle of the school.
Gendo Ikari.
With Fuyutsuki, who is now the Vice-Principle standing behind and to Gendo's right, as always.
"Greetings."
AN: Review, comment so forth and so on.
Is this funny...or even worth continuing? Meh, I'm going to continue it regardless of what you say :P But reviews always help ^_^
This is part of a self-imposed challange to write a (hopefully) funny story with six random things given to me by a reviewer of my other story, Trials. Now that the first chapter is up, those who review need...I said NEED DAMNIT! To leave another six random things for the next chapter......please? :P
Random things used to this chapter : Tabasco sauce, bowtie, rook, persimmon, geography, shakespearean play.
If you liked this story then check out my other one, Trials. However, it is a serious story.........heh.
Billion points to those who identify two referances to two vastly differant series. One of them should be easy, the other may not be....or it is and im an idiot, either way :P
~Pseudo