"Troy, Abed, what are you doing?" Britta asked, as she approached the two crouched behind the glass walls, peaking into the study room.
"What is this little party about?" Shirley asked sweetly, coming alongside Britta.
"SHH!" Troy and Abed snapped, turning their head only briefly to acknowledge their audience.
"Oh, I KNOW you did not just shush me," Shirley said, gripping her purse like she was about to use it as a weapon.
"Hey, are you guys having an orgy and not invite me?" said Piece coming up from behind.
"Guys, what is this about? Why are we standing out here? Why can't we go into the study room?" Britta asked.
"Because Jeff is about to realize he's in love with Annie!" Troy said as if was the most obvious thing in the world. He shook his head as he looked at their blank faces.
"What are you talking about?" Britta demanded.
"That's ridiculous!" Shirley added.
"Yeah, everyone knows Winger is a homo," said Pierce.
"Abed, can you talk to these people," asked Troy, clearly annoyed at the rest of the group's ignorance.
Abed stood up and faced the three confused, shocked, and constipated faces before him.
"It's part of a logarithm I figured out. I compiled all the data from over 2,000 television shows and some notable mini-series, documenting at what point in the relationship characters realized their feeling for one another, accounting for prolonged audience anticipation, how long the fictional couple had been together, and whether or not the declaration came as part of the natural story arch or was forced by the network's desire to boost ratings."
"So what you're saying is that you used math to determine when Jeff is going to fall in love with Annie?" Britta summarized.
"Exactly," Abed said flatly.
"Abed, sweetie, you can't use numbers to predict love. Only Jesus can do that," said Shirley as she patted Abed's arm.
"Actually, on an episode of Inspector Spacetime, the Inspector calculated when Reggie would fall in love with a Blorgon disguised as the barbarian princess Reena and saved him before the blorgon could vaporize during their first sexual encounter."
"But Abed, this isn't TV, this is REAL LIFE!" Britta said.
"Abed, guys! It's about to happen!" Troy said waving them back over to the window.
"What? You guys have it timed down to the minute," Britta asked sarcastically.
"Actually to the second, with a two second margin of error," Abed said.
"Scooch over, Britta," Shirley said, bumping her out of the way.
"Oh c'mon Shirley, you don't honestly believe them, do you?"
"All I know is that Abed predicted that I would get chased by a werewolf two years ago and if I hadn't had my taser with me I might be one of Satan's hell dogs right now. Plus the boys were playing behind the TV again and now HBO isn't working."
"Well, Pierce and I aren't as naïve as the three of you, right?" she said looking over her shoulder at where Pierce had been standing a minute ago, only to find him gone.
"Pierce?" she said looking for him.
Pierce came running back down the hallway towards them. "Did I miss it?" he asked panting.
"Nope. T-minus 4 minutes," Abed said.
"Pierce, where did you go?" Britta asked.
"I went to get my HD video camera. If they start going at it, I want to get it on tape."
Britta looked disgusted and was about to lash out into a rant about the male gaze and female objectification when Abed turned to them all and said, "Everyone must remain quiet so as to not intervene with the chain of events. I haven't worked out the 'Friends' variable yet."
"But we're Jeff and Annie's friends and we just want them to be happy," Shirley said.
"No, I mean "Friends," not friends. Chandler first said he loved Monica when she danced with the turkey on her head, but Monica's reaction when he confessed his love during Pheobe's fake seduction and the subsequent reciprocation of love made it seem like that 'I love you' was the real 'I love you.' I haven't been able to account for that yet in my equation."
"Weirdo," Pierce muttered under his breath.
"It's time!" Abed said, not hearing him.
"What are we supposed to be looking for?" Britta asked, resigning herself to the antics of her friends and trying to get her own view of the show.
"Well, most likely Annie will do something that makes her appear extremely attractive to Jeff," Abed said.
"Like show him her boobs?" Troy asked innocently.
"No. More subtle. Like flipping her hair."
Right on cue, Annie combed her fingers through her hair before giving her head a slight toss. Jeff's eyes widened slightly as he stared at her but he quickly dropped his gaze to the floor.
"Was that it?" Shirley asked.
"No. This is only the preliminaries. After that, there is going to be some sort of casual physical contact between them," Abed stated.
Annie started to laugh at something Jeff said and while doing so, reached out and touched his arm lightly. Jeff smiled, until he noticed her fingers on his own skin. He dug his hands deep into his pockets then began twisting at the waist, emitting a forced laugh that was too loud.
"Poor boy looks like he has to go to the bathroom," Shirley said in a low voice.
Jeff continued laughing, even after Annie stopped. He then abruptly cut off when he realized his laugh was the only one in the room.
"Has it happened yet?" Troy asked Abed. "Did I miss it?"
"Patience. We're almost there."
Annie looked at Jeff with a confused expression. "Jeff?" she said. "Is everything okay?"
"Psh, yes! Why wouldn't it be okay? I'm just hanging here with my friend Annie," he said before making a clicking noise out of the side of his mouth as he pointed at her with both index fingers at rapid-fire speed.
"It's coming…" Abed said, ominously.
"Okay…" Annie said, looking even more confused now. "Well, the rest of the study group is probably going to be here soon so we should probably go sit down."
"Go sit down, yes, good, I mean great, idea," Jeff said.
Annie picked her backpack off of the couch, but a pocket was unzipped and a dozen purple pens came spilling out.
"Oh no!" she said, getting on her knees to pick them up.
"Here, let me help you," Jeff said, getting down also.
"Aw, that's nice!" Shirley whispered.
"It's almost here…" Abed said, his eyes getting wider.
Jeff and Annie crawled around on the floor, picking up pen until finally there was just one more left. They both reached for it at the same time, and Annie's hand fell on top Jeff's. They were both quiet, staring at their hands resting on top of each other. Annie drew hers away and laughed nervously, blushing, not looking at Jeff. But Jeff was looking at her. He was looking at this incredible woman he had only known for three years but who knew him better than anyone. His heart was pounding and its beat was deafening. An-nie, An-nie, An-nie, it gulped. He picked up her pen and handed it to her, trying not to make it obvious that his typically cool hand luke was shaking.
"Thanks, Jeff," Annie said, slipping the last pen into the pocket it belonged.
"And…" Abed said, drawing out the word.
That was it, hearing her say his name, he couldn't take it anymore. It was the first thing he wanted to hear in the morning, "Good morning, Jeff," the last thing he wanted to hear before he went to sleep, "Goodnight, Jeff," and the name he wanted to hear her sigh when they kissed or did something more…mature. And it was the word he wanted to hear her attach to the three words he wanted to say to her this very instant.
"Annie," Jeff said, looking at her intensely.
"Yeah?" she said, her blue eyes widening when his gaze struck her.
"I…I…I completely forgot that I have to upgrade my phone today and the place closes at 5pm so I need to run but tell the study group…good studying! And I'll see you later!"
Jeff snatched his coat and phone and flew out of the room, not even noticing the rest of the group huddled outside of the door.
Troy, Pierce, Shirley, and Britta all stood there dumbstruck at what they had just seen.
"Ahh," Abed sighed romantically. Then, "So. Who wants to come over after studying and watch Kick Puncher 3?"
"What?" Britta said, turning to Abed. "Wait, that was it!? Why didn't he tell her? Even I believe in your stupid love calculating equation thingy now, because that, my friend, was love!"
"Yep. It sure was," Abed said, still staring blankly at Britta.
"But it didn't work! He didn't tell her!"
"I never said my equation predicted when he would tell her he loved her. Just that he would realize that he loved her."
"So…we have to wait?" Shirley said. "Lord, this is exactly like that show with the four prostitutes in Manhattan."
"But how long?" Troy said. His eyes were filling with tears, he couldn't handle the anticipation. "They're so beautiful together!" he said sniffling.
"Depends," Abed said.
"On what, you A-rab love swami?" said Pierce, also frustrated by the sexual tension and no usable video footage.
"Well, in the case of Jeff and Annie, their declaration of love is definitely series finale material."
"Abed! Our lives are not a television show!" Britta fumed, turning away from Abed. But she quickly turned back. "But if they were, when would the series finale be?"
"Hard to say. We might only last 13 more episodes. Or we might go for six seasons and a movie."
"God created the entire earth in seven days! If the Lord doesn't need to draw out things, neither do Jeff and Annie," preached Shirely.
"I don't make the rules. I just follow them," Abed said.
Shirley, Pierce, and Britta, tired of Abed's equivocations, grumbled some more before walking into the study room.
Troy and Abed stood there for a second before Troy turned to Abed. "So…we're still watching Kick Puncher 3 later, right?"
"Yep," Abed said.
"Cool," Troy said, before also entering the study room.
"Cool," said Abed to himself. "Cool, cool, cool."