The story i wish to bless your conscience with is one of truth. A man, nay, perfection encased in human flesh, and his rise to power, along with his fall from grace.
Jesus (formally known as "Jesus") was born into a bucket of pig slog, fresh brewed with the remains of all the other animals. It was what would be equivilant to July 18th, -1276, and i can assure you, the village whore he fell out of was no virgin. No virgin indeed. The world was infested with sadness, anger, and siphilus. There is one thing i must tell you before i go any further... God is an asshole. God hates you (Don't feel bad, he hates everyone). He was the one who set forth these plagues upon the earth, and threw his son down to rot with the rest of us.
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If you have been offended thus far, you may want to quit reading now. It goes straight downhill from here. Ass.
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Now to continue with the story. At this point God has forced his only son down to earth through the belly of a whore, and people are essentially pissed off, suicidal retards with genital infections. Oh how we've evolved... tee hee. Anyway, as you may have guessed - mary, the village whore, was no exception to having a genital infection or two, and thus jesus was born with many, many disfiguring scars and warts all over his body... especially his face. Mary's pimp was not satisfied with the fact that mary was pregnant. Not satisfied at all. No Beuno. Despite his dissatisfaction with this wench, he decided to let the child be born, untill he saw his face for the first time. "This retarded looking little fucker is a disgrace" he said as he beat mary with his right hand, while holding little new born "Jesus" over a cliff with his left, swinging him violently back and forth like a ragdoll. But then Mary, being the stupid little hooker she was, said something that made even "Jesus" shit in his fresh woolen diaper. "Go suck a donkey chode you shit-kicker." And with those final words, Mary's pimp dropped "Jesus" off of the cliff, picked up his womping stick, and slaughter Mary like she was a three-legged inbred.
Being that "Jesus" is the son of "the Creator", he did retain some of his power. And baby "Jesus" slowed his fall just before the water and proceeded to walk 3,000 miles across the ocean to the next patch of land. Being that it was a long, long walk, and jesus had to keep going back to where he came for more opium, when he reached the land he was destined for, he was much older. Like 18 or something like that. You may be asking yourself "Why didn't he just stay where he was and avenge his mother?" There's a simple answer for that. I'M TELLING THE STORY ASSHOLE. So fuck you. Besides, i wouldn't expect you to understand something that happend such a long time ago. They did things different then... Ass...
Now that "Jesus" finnaly reached his destination,... he decied to get more opium... but after that, he was met with a force the likes of which superman, batman, and the incredible hulk combined couldn't even leave a dent in, let alone defeat (But you have to understand who we're dealing with here... "Jesus" is a badass. He takes law into his own hands, and rips the throat out of those who oppose him... atleast). It was Lucifer. El diablo. The Devil. Satan. His hair is as red as the fires of hell themselves, His skin, extremely pale, nay, white, his face is smeared with the lipstick of the 10,000 whores of hell. His attire was one of pure evil - Yellow, red, and white... a full body suite, with a strange ingraving just over his left breast. "Jesus" knew at once who this man was. Because, "Jesus," as i have told you, is a badass. Nuff said.
With one swift sucker punch to the throat of "Jesus" with his nail driven baseball bat, the two were cast down to hell. "Jesus" shit himself. He had seen this place before whilst sleep walking across the ocean. He knew this places look. He knew the smell. He knew of the entricate tunnel system off to the side, with a fit of disease infested spheres near the bottom. Scared shitless, and greatly disturbed, jesus grabbed his propus-skin robe (which ofcourse he made on his way across the ocean to silence that annoying, ignorant, pudgey beast) from behind, and slid it through the crack of his ass. Freshly wiped, "Jesus" was restored with a feeling of confidence. He knew he must fight this Devil. And he knew that he must kick ass.
Satan, being the dick that he is, was the first to strike. With a crack of his whip, "Jesus"'s left arm was severed at the shoulder blade. "Jesus" was pissed. He wasn't going to stand for this. He picked up his arm, and proceeded to melt it back on with the hot iron plates of hell. Satan watched in bewilderment. "Is this asshole serious?" He asked himself. And before he could answer his own rhetorical question, "Jesus" kicked Satan in what little testicles he had with a lightning quick flying kick. The universe quaked. The Devil cried obscenities aloud. "Jesus" felt sorry for this pathetic being. So "Jesus" helped Satan to his feet, and sat him down in one of hells many swivel chairs. They proceeded to smoke a cocaine, marijuana, opium, meth mix and were trashed within seconds. But little did "Jesus" know, Satan pulled a Bill Clinton. He didn't inhale. With "Jesus" passed out and wasted on the floor, Satan proceeded in letting his hench men rape him, showing no mercy whatsoever. By the time the last henchman (an obese, violet skinned fellow) came inside of "Jesus" he had awaken, shocked and disturbed. He cried. He almost shit himself, but the dry semen inside the depths of his bowels would not permit it.
"These fuckers must die!" said "Jesus" to himself. And with that thought, "Jesus" brought down the wrath of heaven upon hell. Hell itself began to collapse, and demons squelled at the thouch of light. The sounds emmiting from hell were so powerful infact, that they reached the ears of those people who inhabit earth. Almost simontaniously, every single person on earth died from an acute case of their brains melting out of their nostrils.
Satan had been defeted. Hell was destroyed. "Jesus" approached the evil beings dead body with disgust. "We could have been allies you and i... Ronald McDonald, you shall always be one of my children."
With all evil diminished from this earth, a new world order was to be conducted. And thus "Jesus" walked the earth for thousands of years, ressurecting people one by one, hoping to restore the world to its former glory. Untill the day cocaine was illegalized.
He was last seen touring the country with The Grateful Dead. He is presumed dead. If you have any CREDIBLE evidence of the whereabouts of "Jesus" Christ, please, tell him to get off his ass.