Breaking

The more I stare at my reflection in the shop window, the more I realize your words were true. My brunette hair is scruffy, my tanned skin is tainted. My grey T-shirt and casual faded blue jeans looks two sizes too small for me.

It hurts. It's the feeling of a thousand needles being jabbed into my chest at once. There is nothing stopping it, I feel restrained, kept in place by a force I have no awareness of. It won't let me go. I can't escape, I have to sit there and endure the torture it gives me. The feeling of not being good enough, of never being good enough. The thought that I will always feel this way; so useless to everyone around me.

Tears roll down my cheeks, but no one wipes them away. No one stops to help or to care. I'm paralyzed to the spot, pain overtaking my actions as well as my emotions. Nothing I do or say will be right. No matter how much I struggle, I will never escape.

It's an idea. It's planted into my head and I can't run from it because it will follow. It will always be there for me as a constant reminder of things that will never be changed. No matter what happens to me when I regain my ability to move, no matter what happens when I realize I have to keep living. It will always be there. A thought, an idea...I can push it aside, but that doesn't mean it will go away.

I'm fat.

I'm ugly.

My clothes show off every lump and bump.

My nose is far too big for my face.

My weight keeps soaring.

My zits just won't go away.

I never noticed. I never used to notice. You always said I was beautiful, so pretty. You loved the colour of my hair as you nuzzled your nose into it, kissing me goodnight. You loved my tiny waist as you tickled my playfully, the way it should have been.

And now, the way you have left me feeling, I know those memories will be conquered by my feelings. They will get wiped away and replaced with your cold and harsh words. The things you said will forever haunt me.

I'm breaking. A glass with a single crack gliding through its surface. Every time you say those words, I crack a little more. It grows deeper, it grows wider. I'll snap in two eventually. And then those two halves will crack into more. And more. And more. So, go ahead, say your viciousness, your poisoned words sinking deep into my skin. Soon enough there will be nothing left for you to break.

A/N: ...

I have no words.

I'm just feeling this way right now, I guess...

What inspired me to write this is the words I wrote in my last journal on dA.

'Every time you say it, I break a little more...

So, go ahead, keep saying it.

Soon enough there won't be anything left for you to break...'

I feel this way all the time now. Her words just get to me. I never used to care about the way I looked. I've never wanted to be a page 3 model and I have grown to accept the fact that I will never look like one either. And that's okay. I have always liked being the way I am.

But then she comes along and she tears that away. She makes so self-conscious that I just want to curl in a ball and die. Again and again and again. It stops, she takes her break and the cracks start to heal. Until she just lashes out again and they grow deeper each time.

And it hurts.

Though, I shouldn't have to tell you this, ya'll just read the oneshot...

Not all of Courtney's problems that I stated are the same as mine; I just needed to write something down for it though.

Thanks for reading, please review :)

Love, DysfunctionalFamilyMember.