Title: So far we are… so close.
Author: Naty.
Category: Songfic, post fourth season, angst/drama, Second Person, PoV Doctor, 863 words.
Warning: It contains spoilers for the end of the season four (Journey's End).
Rating: PG.
Chapters: One-Shot.
Complete: Yes.
Summary: As hard as it is to admit, John Smith knows nothing Will ever be the same.
Note: The fanfic is based on the song So Close by Jon McLaughlin.
A/N: To those of you Who really ship Doctor and Rose: in my head Tentoo and Rose had a beautiful life together after Canary Bay; they got together, loved each other and lived together 'till the end of their lives, but when I heard this song it was inevitable to plot a fic that tells how things would be IF they never really connected, and I had to write. Don't hate me, I love the ship as much as you as I suffered a lot while writing it.
It's funny how everything is so simple still being so complicated. You get down, run the white sand through your fingers, and your hand know that that texture is known, that you've felt that. But it's a lie. Your mind knows, remember, mimics, but your fingers, those fingers that you control and see, never touched that sand.
It's like possessing a strange body. And you should be used to it, you change your body very often, but it isn't the same, because you changed to the same body, that still is not the same. And you mind, your brilliant and clever mind, understands it, but the humanity you acquired with this new body, doesn't.
And all of that just fills your thoughts because of her. Because you think that everything will be fine, you have her now, and nothing could go wrong. Oh, what a mistake.
You speak, talk, try, but it's not the same. You dance like so many years – or was it days? – ago when you saved those children, and it's perfect because her heart beats along with yours, but it's not, because she doesn't feel it. Her eyes shine, but it's with missing. You are not you, that's what she thinks, what she feels, and deep inside you have to agree with her.
And still you can't leave her behind. You know your presence only hurts her, because your face makes she remember you, that other you traveling alone, and she misses you so much, she wants you so much… but you can't. It isn't selfishness, it's bigger than that. You can't leave her, because without her you're nothing. She is the only connection you have with a life – even if it is a stolen life, it's the only one you have – and being with her makes you feel alive, much more alive with only one heart than you've ever felt with two.
You're in my arms
And all the world is calm
The music playing on for only two
So close together
And when I'm with you
So close to feeling alive
It's all harder for you, because you're lost. What are you? Old like time itself or young as a toddler? No one knows. You've seen the beginning and the end of the universe, travelled through all the wars, met every civilization, heard things in the future that you ended up inventing in the past, because time is simply a Weebly-Wobbly-Timey-Wimey and nothing makes sense anyway. But at the same time you haven't seen any of that, haven't travelled through any universe, haven't met anyone, haven't participated of any invention. You're nothing. And everything. And because of that, you have no Idea of who you are.
And time goes by – on the right flow and that's odd – and you feel yourself getting old. Maybe you age more than a year in each 365 days, because what's the point of all of this if you don't have her? You see the minutes going on the clock and the empty days fill your now normal life, and you realize that everything was left behind. The golden years like the humans say, and you finally understand that expression. It isn't the space, or the time, or the infinity. It's simply her. The days, the years, the times with her. They passed by and marked the best in you, but they're gone. And you hate yourself for taking so long to notice, for never telling her before, for never trying, because now you understand that she was everything you've always wanted and needed.
And she is so close to you now it actually hurts. She lives in the house next door and if you miss her like hell you can run a feel steps to her door and caress her face, but if you do that, you regret it, because she is there, but she also isn't. She doesn't smile to you like she used to smile to you, the spark doesn't reach her eyes. And you go back to your place, after a thousand apologies, even more miserable.
A life goes by
Romantic dreams will stop
So I bid mine goodbye and never knew
So close was waiting, waiting here with you
And now forever I know
All that I wanted to hold you
So close
Sometimes, if you close your eyes, you can travel yourself to the past. Not physically, of course, but you can relive the moment that you miss so much. You remember clearly of every moment, since the most meaningful like the first time you saw her, 'till the least ones, like the fiftieth time she smiled.
You remember the feeling of her lips of when she kissed you – and she kissed you, in this body you're using, this memory is totally yours and you can't help but feel selfish about it – and of how, in that moment, you thought it was that, you'd leave that place together, ready to start a life. Ready to chase a happy ending.
So close to reaching that famous happy end
Almost believing this was not pretend
Now you're beside me and look how far we've come
So far we are so close
Deep down you know you won't give up. The future is clear: things won't work out. But you can't quit, because that's not you, even if you are not you.
For now then you settle with how things are. Rose is always under your sight, she doesn't know, but you observe her. You see while she tries to move on, and it hurts, but at least she is trying and that's more than you could ask for.
You only need to get used to it. Rose is by your side, but she's never been so far.
How could I face the faceless days
If I should lose you now?
We're so close
To reaching that famous happy end
Almost believing this was not pretend
Let's go on dreaming for we know we are
So close
So close
And still so far