Of Alice from Wonderland and Little Rabbits
A/N Happy New Year People! I made a New Year Resolution that I would write a proper fanfiction exceeding 3K words so I just added about 2K or so words to a previously existing plotline. I have SUCCEEDED! And I do in fact know America's actual female name is Emily but that would not have fit with the general theme of the story. The title would not have worked either. She has glasses because it emphasises her coolness at points, not because she needs it and is also more intelligent than normal America because I always just thought it was weird that canon!America was the World Superpower and acted like a dyslexic 6 year old on crack (no offence to anyone intended). It's all part of the plot so just read.
"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes" ~Jim Carrey
"Being a woman is a terribly difficult task, since it consists principally in dealing with men" ~Joseph Conrad
Disclaimer: Melody-chii does not own Hetalia.
As she stood in front of the mirror, fiddling with the lace and gauze, Alice F. Jones remembered that she really should thank the annoying French exchange student that persuaded her to deliver the letter.
Flashback
"I dunno if I should go or not. I wouldn't have a car for most of my trip because I can't organise it so I can begin at one place and end there as well. I'll have to walk, hitch-hike or go by cab one of which would be absolutely exhausting, the other would likely get me raped and the last would be equivalent in cost to the entire trip," commented Alice in a mildly put-off tone (she wasn't opposed to exercise- it was necessary to retain her awesome figure after all— it was just that she was inherently lazy and so she only did what was needed when it was needed and no more) .
"I think walking is a good idea! Besides, you'll end up with GREAT legs!" chimed a foppish-looking, blonde boy with a thick French accent, appearing out of thin air and handing her a rose (a beautiful red one).
"Are you sure you're not a girl?" she wondered, far too used to these random appearances and offerings she gave no reaction as he broke off the stem and tucked the flower behind her ear (and besides, it was flattering to have someone treat her like this— she really had been 'one of the boys' for too long if she liked Francis flirting with her).
"Ohonhonhon~" Francis Bonnefoy, the French exchange student laughed snootily while raising an eyebrow in a perverted manner that was obviously asking if she wanted proof (and she knew he really would strip in the middle of the school courtyard to do so— he was the embodiment of all French stereotypes after all).
"Never mind…" came Alice's exasperated reply, rolling her eyes (knowing perfectly well that doing so caused Francis's attention to gravitate to her neck and down— it was supposedly an incredibly innocent yet alluring action— her sister had told her so and she was always right about these things so she had perfected it in the mirror to get an advantage for whenever she 'went to war' against one of the guys— it was a shameless and slutty way of doing so but she didn't really care).
"Also, if you do go, could you do me a favour and visit an old friend of mine? I have a letter that needs delivering and sending it would be expensive and they have a habit of ignoring my emails…"
End Flashback
This led to her trudging through the rain to a tiny little village THING in the middle of nowhere to look for some poor girl that had dated and been dumped by the pervert.
Flashback
It was grey. The air was grey with fog and the clouds that filled the sky was grey and the rain that fell in sheets was grey and the mud underneath her now filthy Converse also appeared grey although Alice could have sworn it was meant to be brown.
As she struggled to understand the GPS (she had never been good with directions), juggle her umbrella (trying to hold it with her shoulder and neck because the GPS needed both hands to fiddle with), wipe the water off her glasses with a dry patch of her leather jacket (which obviously wouldn't work but she tried anyway) and avoid the deepest part of the puddles (because she couldn't avoid all of it as the ground was basically flooded), she muttered death threats under her breath (because this place was worse than Mississippi in the rainy season) and decided she was going to kill Francis when she got back (because she hated this situation more than anything), while trying to not slip and die (because Converse weren't really made for this kind of situation and maybe she should have worn boots as they would have been easier to clean after anyway).
"Last time I ever listen to him," Alice hissed, her usually sky-blue eyes stormy in her fury and a brilliant, yet cold, smile appeared on her face. It was terrifyingly reminiscent of the expression she usually had when she was fighting with Ivan during the mini-Cold War-esque Civilization IV game they had. It was the only game that was played during the 'phase' that did not devolve into pointless moves as the rivalry between the two already existed. The game went on for weeks and started to bleed into their social life before it all died down when Alice finally, after having a Space Victory and also a Diplomatic Victory having gained the alliances of the last two countries allied to Russia and finally nuked the hell out of him. Before that though, every time they saw each other, they would insult each other with typical Cold War nicknames such as 'Commie Bastard' and 'Capitalist Pig'. No one was sure if they were actually meant or not. Either way though, the expression on her face was quite terrifying with her glinting glasses and a Hollywood smile, that was somehow just as cold as Ivan's (but likely more terrifying because she was typically known to be a genuinely nice, if a bit oblivious and immature) which was probably why none of the available wildlife attacked her (although admittedly, they were probably only rabbits and they would have intelligently stayed out of the rain at the moment; if they saw her they would run away pretty quickly though).
As she calmed down she concluded that the recipient would probably be one of Francis's old conquests which, she realised, made it even more awkward for her because there was no hotel near the area and she would also have to ask if she could stay.
End Flashback
As it turned out however, the house belonged to a large family with only sons with large eyebrows.
Flashback
After dropping her pack hanging around on their veranda and dripping water and tracking mud everywhere, she pasted on her Epic Hero Grin™ and knocked on the door.
The mahogany slab opened inwards a crack to reveal a scowling boy with messy, blond hair and large yellow caterpillars quivering on his face.
"Yes?" came a rather abrasive voice followed by the raising of a huge, bushy eyebrow causing Alice's cerulean eyes to widen behind her square, half-framed glasses and follow the movement up with a stare of fascination. The boy proceeded to blush at that in a manner which was extremely reminiscent to a certain Italian's when confronted by his Spanish boyfriend with tomatoes. A distant part of her mind (created from her sister and the Frenchie's influence) noted the colour clashed horribly with his flaxen hair and grey sweater vest.
"Would you cease staring at my eyebrows?" the boy added angrily.
The British accent was strong and made her lips twitch before she realised she was probably being rude. To be entirely honest, she didn't really care either but Kiku (and Feliciano strangely enough) had drilled into her head that if she wanted something she should be polite. Something along those lines anyway.
"Oh yes, sorry for that. Name's Ally, well, Alice F. Jones but, like, I was wondering if, like, your sister or something was in," she ended with a questioning lilt and an even brighter smile (which she knew looked adorable- even her sister couldn't help but give in when she did it and she had already had so many years of experience with it— it was almost as effective as her pout).
The boy frowned and blushed slightly for some obscure reason and said, "Well, because it is only polite, my name is Arthur Kirkland and I am quite certain you have the wrong house."
He moved to close the door but Alice put her foot between the door and the frame to stop it.
"No, like, I'm really sure that I have the right house. He showed me a photo of it and everything so just tell me who in the house was frequently called um…" Alice fumbled with her pack that was dumped on the floor and pulled out a letter. "Um… Mon petit lapin…"
She then watched in fascination as Arthur proceeded to turn into a shade of never-seen-before-but-looks-rather-unhealthy red.
"Bloody frog!" He roared causing Alice to raise her own (far more elegant in her opinion) eyebrow in response.
"Either way, I was told by the pervert to deliver this letter and that I could, like, stay here if I needed to, which I do because apparently you don't have hotels in the area and it's far too late to walk to the next town or whatever," she answered pushing her way past him into the house.
"What the hell, you bloody Yank! Take your bloody letter and leave! In England, you do not just barge into other people's houses—"
"Sorry but I'm wet and my feet hurt from walking the ridiculous distance required to get here to deliver the so-called 'bloody letter', which isn't even mine by the way so I'll be staying here for a while. I have no intention walking in the rain like this ever again. I totally wasn't designed for it and neither were my shoes. Seriously, I should have rented a car or something, sure it would have been rather expensive considering this entire country is a tourist trap— and trust me I'm a freaking American, I know tourist traps. My country invented them goddammit despite what Yong Soo claims so screw this crappy place and seriously, this place is worse than the Nevada desert in terms of lack of civilisation! At least there are military facilities hanging around and—"
It may not have seemed like it but it was the beginning of a beautiful friendship. That only lasted less than a week.
End Flashback
So she spent the next six days running around the house with Arthur's three older brothers, teasing Arthur, sending insulting texts to Francis, annoying Arthur, helping his mother cook (and avoiding his cooking which she quickly learnt that while she could stomach it, it definitely did not taste like anything that anyone else could), arguing with Arthur, playing with his little brother and pranking Arthur. It wasn't a very good use of her time— she should have spent it doing her summer assignments but hey! What was life without some good old procrastination?
Flashback
She was meant to be working on her assignments having managed to hack onto their internet network (with permission from the oldest brother of course— despite what people believed she wouldn't just randomly hack onto someone's internet for no reason) but she ended up catching on her social life on Facebook. It was obvious that without her influence the alliances and workings of the school community would not work considering the world was going into World War III for a reason other than what was planned and as yet another role-play that went up to eleven.
She sighed and realised that it was time to play the neutral diplomat once more. This was a role she had learned after the American Revolution role-play from the Swiss guy with the awesome sister— Vash— and started the change in the history of the world. It was quite useful in seeing how the world would have ended up had America been a bit more mature and capable in real life.
Still, she was a proud American and she had no intention of being unpatriotic and she totally didn't appreciate it when the stupid, tea-drinking red-coat keeps ranting on-and-on about his free healthcare. Thus, she decided to prank him a bit. She was originally planning on tar and feathering him but realised she had nowhere to get either because the stupid country didn't have a Walmart.
As a result, the only intelligent thing to do would be to switch the sugar for the salt and the full-cream milk for soy and wait in the parlour for him to start drinking his tea and watch him freak out over how shat it tasted.
She was IMing with Yao and Vash discussing the possible results on the 'economy' with the coming of WWIII when Arthur walked in with his tea tray. She was calculating the possible paths for economic growth during war-time while also allowing for mass funding for weapon research and development and advanced training for the military forces in preparation for America's eventual involvement when Arthur once again started preaching the greatness of English tea and denouncing coffee, Americanisation and American stupidity as he prepared his cup. Using all the experience gained from years of filming people doing stupid things without them realising, she took out her phone and started to film his reaction.
Conversation on Skype died when they realised (as the video conference application was on so they could observe each other) Alice was no longer paying attention and had the look on her face they both knew to be that someone was about to be the victim of one of her pranks. They quietly said their prayers for the poor soul and quietly made their excuses and told her to call back when she was done. Alice thanked them politely for their understanding and left the group.
By now, Arthur had finished preparing and was now about to take a sip of the poison disguised as ambrosia. Alice smirked in anticipation of his reaction and she was not disappointed. Arthur's once gratified expression died when the tea he so expected did not come and, once the flavour sunk in, he immediately spat it out. Thankfully, she was to his side and sitting on the windowsill so she missed nothing.
He turned around to rant at her and somehow did not notice that she was filming him. The end result was a wonderful video of excellent blackmail material that would be put to large amounts of use over the years— particularly because his rant slowly devolved from articulate insults to the kind of language you would find in a ghetto (or whatever is the British equivalent).
Alice and Arthur's brothers had a good laugh over it when she showed them later that day.
End Flashback
What changed from a sort-of friendship to a romantic relationship was a rather innocuous conversation they had on the last afternoon of her six day stay at the Kirkland house.
Flashback
The sun was setting and Alice could see the blue at the skyline. She was packing some of her things away into the large backpack she used. Arthur was trying to watch her subtly over a large book and failing (although she chose to ignore it at the moment; she had a reputation to keep after all). She could clearly see his eyes following her movements out of her peripheral vision. Yes she knew what peripheral vision was. She did pass all her science courses with honours and maths too (although she failed literature entirely which people weren't surprised by for some strange reason she still couldn't figure out why). They seemed to believe she was stupid but hey, if that was her reputation she would deal with it. It helped that it was because everyone thought she was stupid that they basically ignored her moves in the Civilization IV game that affected both real life and their virtual selves. It was what put her at the top of the school's social hierarchy— which was awesome and her ego certainly appreciated it.
"I'm gonna miss you, you know," Alice suddenly decided to comment.
The statement seemed to echo around the suddenly silent room and it suddenly seemed extremely warm. Her cheeks felt hot but she knew she wasn't blushing (she was too awesome to do such a thing when it wasn't necessary) but when she looked at Arthur though, she thought, now that was one awesome example of a chronic blusher. He looked like a tomato and was now trying, and failing, to hide his face behind his book. Alice then continued to use her infamous ability to ignore the atmosphere, which was becoming rather stifling for some reason, and returned to her packing.
"I suppose I am obliged to find it in my heart to miss you too."
She had to confess, she was slightly startled by this (just a bit). She never expected her inexplicable fondness for the self-proclaimed British (coughassholecough) gentleman behind her and when she turned around she found said gentleman with an unfathomable look in his green, green eyes. She then gifted him with one of the first, gentle smiles she had shown him.
She turned around a pulled a rather stained (not her fault, it rained and then when she left them out to dry, her sister accidently— 'accidently'— spilt maple syrup on it and then she got angry at her and threw her coffee at her which ended up spilling on the cards again and she never got around to replacing them; they were fine anyway, only slightly discoloured) business card out of her wallet and grabbed a pen off a nearby desk and proceeded to scribble on the back.
"Well then, I'll give you my personal email and phone number to use...Because I am the hero!"
She leaned forwards to present it to him with another bright grin making him blush again— an occurrence that was becoming a trademark in their relationship.
He grabbed it off her and turned it over. Despite the water damage and what the various stains that covered half of one side (it was one of the better survivors of that incident) it was actually nicer and more professional than he had expected. He turned to insult her anyway and was stunned to see her smiling at him with a surprisingly kind smile on her face. It was a rather cliché moment— her golden hair was just randomly haloed by the setting sun making it glow and her glasses were just hanging of the tip of her nose, low enough to see her brilliant blue eyes sparkling at him and he suddenly felt like he was drowning which wasn't something he did as he was a gentleman and he should be looking away now because it wasn't polite to stare and just because he was a normal, young man with a healthy sex drive didn't mean he should feel like this and just because he had grown strangely fond of Hurricane Alice and her wild, whirlwind presence that had blown his previously perfectly set existence , of being the loser of his family, to bits— with his brothers being a bit nicer to him with her around and not being so obvious in their dislike of him and his little brother was smiling at him again because she had forced him to be nicer to the lad— and bloody hell that smile was really, really bright and it lit up the room and his heart was beating faster now and he knew that she had somehow made his life better— and God he couldn't breathe and she was speaking and he had to pay attention— because he was a gentleman and he listened to ladies when they spoke even if they were annoying, immature and strangely charming— to what was coming out of the pouty lips that was made even poutier— and is that even a word? —by her cherry lip gloss... And the atmosphere was shattered by what came out of her mouth and he honestly shouldn't have been surprised considering how many times this had happened already. She was definitely good at either ignoring the atmosphere or somehow making everyone feel more comfortable in it...
"Call me, asshole."
End Flashback
So one thing led to another and there had been a rather explosive courting involving roses and suits and dresses and proper dinners and MacDonald lunches and jeans and inappropriate short-shorts and awesome yet slightly geeky road-trips through the US of A and Arthur almost getting arrested by the FBI (which Alice thought was totally hilarious) and Alice somehow meeting someone important in the United Kingdom (she still didn't know who it was and Arthur would just blush and groan whenever it was mentioned) and insulting their obviously ridiculously delicate sensibilities somehow.
"It is time, Miss Jones," came the gentle voice of her sister looking resplendent in her bridesmaid dress.
Alice grinned at her in the mirror, carefully putting her glasses (affectionately nicknamed Texas because she stole the frames from some Mexican chick at school during a small war between them and she had kept them ever since out of spite even though the lenses were normal, albeit transition lenses for the sake of it— because she had good enough genetics and awesome-ness not to actually need them) on the table. She twirled around with a rustle of skirts, her hair flowing loose behind her finishing in her typical hero pose.
"The hero is gonna be Mrs Kirkland now, sis."
A/N Well that's that. I am exactly 9 minutes from next year so I am just quickly writing this note. Basically, the plotline came from an English Assessment Task and I just modified some stuff to that I could post it. I was inspired by the pairing to write the short story after all. I might also end up posting some extra stuff I wanted to put in but couldn't find anywhere to fit it. Either way, I managed to post this in time and thus I am made of win XD Happy New Year! May the year to come be totally awesome for you, your family and friends. Please review ;)