Callie’s Catnip Catastrophe, a swat kats fanfic

Disclaimer: Not mine.

A/N: Written for Yma, who forced my hand. I've never written SWAT Kats fic before, so I apologise in advance.

Feedback:

You know the drill,

There's nothing to it.

If you read it,

You review it!

Callie's Catnip Catastrophe

Callie Briggs suspected her life was headed down the toilet when she got the Megakat City. The smog, the traffic, the constant threats of destruction; but as a young graduate with high hopes and pipe dreams she'd honestly thought she could make a difference to the kats there. She rose through the political ranks faster than any other she-kat ever had in the city's history. Once in a reasonable position to do so, she campaigned so hard to improve the altruism of the general populace, from opening more homeless centres, to improving free hospital services, to getting a bigger stipend for schools. However, as she learned through fall after disappointment after fall, Megakat City eats altruism for breakfast and vomits it up before lunch.

She'd been a hairsbreadth from cutting her losses and quitting to go back to Idaho when she first met the SWAT Kats. For her, they resembled something in drastically short supply: hope. Sure, they caused a lot of collateral damage, but they also saved a lot of lives, and they'd rescued the city from destruction more often than any of Feral's beloved Enforcers. She'd trust T-Bone and Razor with her life in a heartbeat.

Or she would usually, at any rate. When they were high on catnip it was a different matter.

"Aw, crud," Razor giggled. "Tony Himalayan is such a miserable hobo."

T-Bone looked lazily at Callie, and she knew she should've felt more embarrassed than she did. "Nice … nice rack, Miss Briggs."

Razor cuffed him. "You can't say that to her."

"Why not?"

"You just can't."

"But it is!"

"That's not the point."

"Uh, guys?" Callie gestured for them to follow her as she picked her way through her debris-strewn apartment.

They'd been there before, when villains followed her home, and again that time she garnered her very own personal stalker and called them in desperation. It hadn't even occurred to her to call the police in the few minutes she had with the madkat pounding at her door. Walter Sedgwick had broken in and wielded a knife at her until Razor came crashing through the window, having jumped off their jet's wing without a second thought of the thirty-two stories below. You couldn't help but value kats like that.

Which was why she didn't hold their commentary against them now. It wasn't their fault the dose of catnip meant to knock her out was dumped on them. Neither was it their fault they'd come to save her when she was fighting off a kidnap attempt enacted right before she got in the shower.

Grabbing a bathrobe from the back of the door, she motioned them inside. Once in, she wasted no time, shoving them backwards into the bathtub. They plonked onto heir tails amidst giggles and snorts, which turned to shrieks as she flipped the temperature to freezing and turned the showerhead on them.

"It's for your own good, boys."

"Cold!" T-Bone yelped. "Coldcoldcoldcold!"

"I'm getting water up my nose!" Razor added.

"God, it'll clean out the catnip," Callie said grimly. "The police will be here soon and I don't want them arresting you for drug abuse and wilful destruction."

"We were saving your life, Miss Briggs!"

"I know that, and you know that, but better to be safe than sorry." She cranked the power up to maximum and hosed them down until they were soaked, but sober. Or at least as sober as they were likely to get tonight. She didn't want to be them in the morning.

"Thanks, Miss Brigs," Razor sniffed. He sneezed and she passed them both her two best fluffy towels, willing to make the sacrifice given they'd just saved her life.

"I should be thanking you. After this," she nodded at the would-be kidnapped trussed in the corner, "Tony Himalayan's finished, and I can secure the money he wanted for armaments and put it into a tax rebate. You've done both me and Megakat City a good turn tonight."

"Yay us." T-Bone waved a lacklustre claw.

Through the ruined French windows they heard police sirens pull up outside.

"C'mon, buddy," T-Bone said, "time to make tracks."

"You sure you can fly?" Callie asked.

"We'll use the autopilot," Razor reassured her.

"I hate the autopilot."

"We're using the autopilot."

"I hate the autopilot."

"We're using the autopilot."

Callie heard them carry on this debate as they shimmied up the ropes they'd used to abseil into her apartment. Only when she heard the telltale hum of a jet engine thrum overhead did she breath a sigh of relief. Razor would've gotten his way. T-Bone was a stickler with his precious jet, but he wasn't stupid.

She turned to the mess that was her home and sighed. Another day, another good deed, another attempt on her life; all pars for the course for a non-crooked politician. In Megakat City. La de da, you'd think she'd be used to it by now.

Still, she thought as she flicked an ear at the SWAT\Kats' jet streaking away, and the thunder of boots up the stairwell, she couldn't imagine living anywhere else. Not even Idaho.

Fin.