AN: Created out of boredom. :)
RANDOMNESS ahead. You have been warned.
The Idiot's Guide on Being a Death Eater
Step One
PROCLAIM YOUR LOYALTY TO EVIL!
NEVER back out on missions. His Royal Evilness does not like it, and there's a hundred percent chance he's gonna use the Killing Curse on your sorry little bum. Be sure you are truly demented, will not be influenced by anti-Voldie organizations (namely The Order of the Phoenix) later on, and will not scream like a sissy girl whenever you're in combat. And for Merlin's sake, stop hiding in your mum's skirt.
Step Two
DRESS SMART, LOOK SMART
His Lord Voldyness requires the traditional Death Eater dress code, specifically long robes (the more dark, the better), no rainbow colors, no T-shirts with 'I'm Death Eater and Proud' written on it, and no funky hats, please. Masks are also a necessity to hide your identity, and must be worn at all times. That includes you, Lucius.
Step Three
KNOW THY ENEMIES
Unless you are living under a rock, you should know that Lord Moldy-shorts' Enemy Number One is the wizard Albus Dumbledore and his posse, The Order of the Phoenix. In addition to that is The-Boy-Who-Lived, Harry Potter. Do not be fooled by his whiny shenanigans; his Patronus charm kicks butt. Well, dementors' butt.
Step Four
THE DEATH EATERS' SUPER SECRET LAIR
Unfortunately, the dormant volcano near Azkaban Prison is unavailable, and as Bellatrix pointed out, will not be a suitable hiding place because it is very well near dementors. By a unanimous vote, the DE lair would be Malfoy Manor, chosen for it's grandeur... and the cocktail bar Wormtail seems to fancy a lot. Also, never divulge the location of the headquartes (hence 'super secret lair') to anyone outside the Death Eaters' inner circle, or else you would be Crucio'd until you pee in your pants.
Step Five
MAGIC IS MIGHT
By the way, the title for this is copyrighted by the idiots in the Ministry of Magic. Moving on, aside from The Order, Dumbledore, and The-Boy-With-The-Stupid-Scar, Death Eaters must also develop a hate for Muggle-borns, or as we like to call them, MUDBLOODS. They are to be despised, laughed at, and if you wish, kill. Wizard superiority is one of Lord Moldy-shorts ideals, and must be practised at a regular basis.
Step Six
NEVER QUESTION THE DARK LORD
Even if he makes you tapdance naked with Dobby's tea cozy in front of the whole Death Eater bunch, do not argue. Obedience is a must, and questions will not be entertained.
Step Seven
SECRECY
Basically, it means keep your piehole shut when you're being interrogated by Order members.
Step Eight
YOUR EQUIPMENT
A wand is important, of course. You will be using it in battles, secret missions, and even to wash your hair, though Severus refuses to do that. Aside from wands, Invisibility Cloaks, Time-Turnes, Remembralls and Polyjuice Potion can be of use. Take note, Polyjuice Potion cannot be used on the Dark Lord, for he has no hair to be mixed with. Consider this a warning.
Step Nine
YOUR BEHAVIOUR
Again, do not questioned the Dark Lord, or call him ridiculous nicknames like The-Dude-Who-Let-The-Boy-Live or Supreme Pizza Pie Ruler. He will be pissed. Socialize with your fellow Death Eaters, but always maintained a mood of evil. And for the love of everything sacred, don't excess on the firewhisky. Drunkeness is not tolerated by His Evilness, and you will not go unpunished.
Step Ten
ALWAYS BE PREPARED
Yes, yes, we know it's already taken by some Muggle group called... uh... oh, who cares? Be ready to fight, don't sleep on the job, and be on special alert. You'll never know when some teenage boy might defeat the Dark Lord, so be ready to fight, and possibly die, for Lord Moldyshorts.
Follow these ten easy steps, and you will be on your way to greatness!
AND ICE CREAM!
Told you it was weird.
Peacee, loves. :D