Chapter One : "I sseeee youuuu"
I cruised down the fruit and vegetables aisle of Sainsbury's local on my usual Saturday afternoon shop. Potatoes, potatoes . . . where the hell where they? I decided to ask the brain dead youth that was stacking lemons on the other side of the aisle.
"Excuse me?" I said, he turned to look at me, taking me in with an insolent stair and flicking his jet black fringe out of his eyes. "Do you know where the potatoes are?" he grimaced and took out a walky talky from his pocket and drawled into it.
"Sauron, Sauron, Lady in aisle 22 needs to know where the potatoes are." He paused as he waited for the reply and looked me up and down. A long, low, rattling sneer could finally be heard from the speaker.
"I sseeee you." The attendant seemed completely unfazed by this unorthodox reply and rolled his eyes at me uncomfortably only to reply in a slightly annoyed voice.
"Yes Sauron, I know you can see me your on CCTV and intercom duty today." He smiled weakly at me and I felt slightly sorry for him.
"I ssseeee you." Came the voice again and he sighed.
"Sorry about this." He said to me and returned to the walky talky.
"Well, can you at least send a worker down here to show this lady where they are, I'm a bit busy at the moment. Oh and do some bloody work your not lord of all evil now." He barked. Lord of all evil? I thought, only slightly strange.
"He will come for you." came the voice.
"Alright, seeya later." The youth put the device back in his pocket and continued his stacking. "Someone'll be done in a bit." He groaned as he picked up a particularly large crate and walked away leaving me completely alone. Who was he? Would he come for me? I turned round, and nearly screamed.
A gigantic rider was galloping towards me on a jet black horse with spiked stirrups and evil red eyes, right down the centre of aisle 22. This had to be a dream, I pinched myself, it hurt, a lot. The clocked finger jumped from the saddle to tower over me and I realised he wore an orange Sainsbury's t-shirt over his robes; I frowned, taking in ever inch of the billowing cloth. What the hell?
"Hooow caaan I heeelp youuuuu." His syllables were drawn out and it took him a bout a minute to reach the end of his sentence.
"I need some potatoes." I hoped he would speak again the rattle of his voice sent shivers down my spine and besides I didn't have the time. I needn't have worried because wordlessly he picked me and my trolley up and swung himself back onto the stead. I yelped helplessly and he began to ride, he stopped after a couple of meters and put me back down, jumping off himself . Well that was a bit pointless, I thought, smoothing down my hair and clothes.
"Whaaaaaat kiiiiind?" he rasped slowly.
"Oh . . . new potatoes please." I said breathlessly. He stretched out an armoured hand, about a ton of potatoes and dropped them all, bag less, into my trolley. I stared at them speechless. He glared at me, at least I think he glared he could have been smiling happily for all I knew, and swept away, leading his horse by its leather reigns. I don't know how long I stood there, speechless, staring at my trolley full to the brim with new potatoes, well I guess I knew what I'd be having for dinner for the next three thousand years or so.
I looked back down at my list. Fish. That's what I needed next, fish. I made my way round the corner where the black rider had vanished minutes before, heading for the fish counter and my next strange encounter.