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BattleStargate Wars
In a galaxy far, far, far, faaaaaaaaar away in the present day.
Republic is no more!
The
Emperor is preparing a party for Darth Vader, who has graduated,
after eleven years of study, in dark side knowledge at Tatoo
university. All bad guys are invited!
Chapter
1: PREPARATIONS
Death Star VII., Emperor's hall.
Emperor: Admiral Geek!
Geek (scared): Yes, Emperor?
Emperor: Have you baked the cake, send out the invitations and called my hairdresser and told him that I'll drop by next Saturday first thing in the morning?
Geek (frightened): Yes, Emperor I have done all but one thing!
Emperor (angry): What didn't you do?!
Geek (very frightened, speaks quietly): I didn't bake the cake! (Emperor is like 'wtf?') It's to early to bake it... (emperor becomes more and more agitated) (Geek starts to speak really fast) Please listen to me! Today it's Tuesday, the party is next week on Saturday and if I bake it today by next week the cake will be stale!
Emperor (mad): How dare you defy me!
Geek (frightened to death): Please! I will bake it right away!
Emperor (wicked): You will not! (Chokes him to death)
meanwhile on Tatoo, Darth Vader rushes in the Drunken Sith cantina, yelling:
Darth Vader: I have succeeded! Finally I did it!
Waitress: You did what?
Darth Vader: I graduated!!!
Waitress: No, that's not possible! After all these years!
Darth Vader: Yes I know but with the Force, anything is possible! C'mon, give me something to drink!
Waitress: Sure! Anything!
Darth Vader (angry): I am Anakin no longer!!! Call me Darth Vader!
Waitress: WTF???!!! I said anything not Anakin!
Darth Vader: Oh! I'm sorry. Anything will do just fine.
Waitress: No, what I meant was... (sighs) What drink do you want to order?
Darth Vader: Ah, yes! I will have a cup of hot cocoa!
Waitress: Cocoa?Are you sure you don't want a beer or something?
Darth Vader: No! Beer leads to dark side!
Waitress: Darth, you already are on the dark side!
Darth Vader: Ah yes, of course?! Then beer it is!
Waitress: So, Vader (she puts a beer on his table) does the Emperor knows yet?
Darth Vader: Indeed he does! He was the first to know! We're having a party next Saturday to honour my succes.! Veles, god of music lended us his discotheque for the night. You can come if you want.
Waitress: Sure, I'd love to come!
Darth Vader: Wicked! See ya then!
at that moment a cantina owner comes around and hears the last part of the conversation between the waitress and Vader.
Boss: Sianna (the waitress), how dare you?! You are my slave and you will go nowhere!
Sianna: But, but, I... I ...
Boss: But... I... What are you? Retarded? Or do you...
Darth Vader: Hey!
Boss: What is it punk? What, you think that this force of yours is goin' to help you when I kick your plastic, black, shiny little ass for interrupting me in the middle of the sentence?
Darth Vader (submissively): No. Sorry for interrupting you, oh great Boss of the cantina!
Boss: That's more like it! But I don't blame you, you're young and stupid, well not so young anymore, but stupid, that you definitively are! Just like her! (he start's to laugh)
Darth Vader: Hey!!!
Boss: Hey, what boy?!
Sianna: Please stop, both of you!
Boss: I ain't stopin' now girl! If the helmet boy has something to say, then let him speak! So boy, do you have anything to say?
Darth Vader: Well... I think she's not stupid.
Boss: Vader, I'm shocked! You THINK?! Tell me, why do you think you have this black helmet on your head, then.
Darth Vader (thinking for some time): Actually, I'm not sure.
Boss: I'll tell you why! Cos' else your head would explode every time you think! (laughs hysterically) But not that it would happen a lot. (laughs even more hysterically)
Vader starts to cry
Sianna: Vader, stop weeping! You've graduated from force knowledge, surely you know how to use it! Show him!
Darth Vader (starts to cry hysterically): I can't, I cheated, I cheated...
Boss: I knew it! HA HA HA HA HA!!!
Sianna: What?! How?! Calm down and tell me.
Darth Vader (stops crying): I used force persuade on the teacher to give me the diploma!
Sianna: Darth, you really are one stupid son of a bantha!
Darth Vader (again starts to cry hysterically): Nobody loves me!
Sianna: Oh would you stop for god's sake and just listen. See, you used your force power to do something good, well bad in this case, but ultimately you know how to use the Force, don't you see?
Boss: Hey, what're you doing?
Sianna: Oh nothing, just telling him something he already knows! Now Vader, use your powers on my boss so I can go with you to party next Saturday!
Boss: Hey!
Sianna: And while you're at it, tell him to set me free and he can also leave this cantina to me!
Darth Vader: But I'm not sure I can do that!
Boss: Of course you can't!
Sianna: You can!
Darth Vader: But, it is forbidden by the jedi code to exploit my powers in such manner!
Boss&Sianna: (they're both like WTF?)
Sianna: Vader, you're a sith, you can do anything! (roars) ANYTHING!!!
Boss: He can use force my ass! But let us end this! Sianna, you are a treacherous little slave and you must die! I will blast you into oblivion with my Beretta blaster...
Sianna: Vader, do something!
Darth Vader (does the jedi hand thing): You will not harm her!
Boss: You will not harm her!
Darth Vader: No! YOU will not harm her!
Boss: No! YOU will not harm her!
Darth Vader: Stop it!
Boss: Stop it!
Darth Vader: Looks like there's something wrong with my force persuading!
Boss: Nothing is wrong with your force powers, they simply don't work on me you blockhead! (He shoots Sianna in the head and she dies)
Darth Vader: Oh my god!
Boss: What, like you cared for her so much?
Darth Vader: No, it's not that, I just... I have never seen a dead person before!
Boss (is like WTF): Just so we're clear! I would love to kill you to but the Emperor is a friend of mine, we use to play chess together when we were still schoolboys, so I'll spare you! Now get out!
Darth Vader (frightened): Yes, sir!
Boss (yells at him while he's on his way out): And just so we're clear, I am coming to the party instead of her!
Darth Vader (yelling back): Yes, come, you are always welcome on our Dead Star! Bye!
Boss (to himself): It's a Death Star moron!
So, the Boss is like WTF, stupid Vader, he then cleans the mess and burns the body in the oven, then he goes to sleep. Or something.
meantime in the corner of the cantina a dark figure seats and listenes carefully what Vader, The Boss and Sionna are talking. When Vader leaves the cantiana so does the mysterious figure!
A few minutes later stargate activates under the Chayenne Mountain
General Landry: Close the iris!
Sgt. Harriman: Sir, it's Teal'c's IDC.
General Landry: Open the iris! (sighs) You know sarge, I'm sick of ''close the iris, open the iris'' thing. From now on you can say that, you're old enough to do that, aren't you?
Sgt. Harriman: Sir, yes I am, sir!
General Landry: Well don't get to excited, your pay is not getting better, you only have a few lines more to say.
Sgt. Harriman: Nevertheless sir! Thank you!
General Landry: Yeah.
Teal'c steps through the gate
Teal'c: General Landry, I have important message for you!
General Landry: What now?
Teal'c: I have just find out that Darth Vader will have a party next Saturday at the Veles's discotheque in the Far, Far gallaxy! I'm sure that the Goa'uld will also be there!
General Landry: Meet me in the briefing room at 1700. You have some explaining to do…
at that moment admiral Adama beams down in the gate room...
General Landry: Oh not you again! Hey how the hell did you get beaming technology aboard Glactica?!
Admiral Adama: Well, let us say that I to have some connections within this government. But enough of that. My source of information tells me that the Cylon are goin' to Far,Far gallaxy on Vader's party...
General Landry (sighs): Both of you: 1700 hours, briefing room!
TO BE CONTINUED...
Sorry,
my english is not perfect,please,
tell me what you think,
more of this will
come in future, even if you hate it :)