A/N: Hey everyone, I am working on the next chapter of "If I had the Chance", but I had this idea rolling around in my head for a few days and I couldn't move on until I got it out. It is a bit different from my normal writing style, but I hope you enjoy it, anyway.
As usual, a huge thanks to SVUgirl, who worked through the story with me.
Disclaimer: Five stories later, and I still don't own Rookie Blue.
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It's the middle of March, and the very early onset of spring. Spring –it's fitting really, the symbolization of new birth; new beginnings. Swarek and McNally have been back to work for just a few weeks now. It is obvious that they are together or at least still doing whatever it was that they started doing while he was undercover, but they also seem pretty casual with one another.
Luke is not oblivious, of course he sees the private conversations, the shared secret smiles, and the casual touches that linger just a little too long, but that consonance has always been there, hasn't it? He had half expected Swarek to be attached to her hip, hovering about like a bodyguard trained to kill if anyone so much as looked her way, but he hasn't been acting like that. Even though they haven't even been partnered together again yet, Swarek's had this confident air about him in her presence; calm and cool, collected and… professional.
Maybe that is what deludes Luke into thinking that he might actually still have a shot with her.
So, when she and Shaw stumble upon a murder case, he jumps at the chance to work with her again. The case is pretty straight forward, a male in his late twenties, shot in the chest five times. Someone obviously wanted the guy dead.
"Doesn't look like a gang banger or a typical drug dealer" McNally observes. "Give me the I.D., I'll run it and see what I can find out about him."
Luke smiles at her enthusiasm, and when he hands over the guy's license and cell phone, the finger he brushes over her knuckles is quite deliberate. She pretends not to notice, but still hightails it out of there pretty quickly.
It doesn't take her that long at all to track down a girlfriend, and when she and Shaw go to question her, they notice the .38 caliber gun sticking out of her purse, practically still smoking.
Back at the station, Luke goes at the girlfriend with all he's got – the weapon, the opportunity, and a few different theories to motive. Two and a half hours later, the suspect is still refusing to utter a word, so he decides to go with a different strategy. He exits interrogation room #1, and scans the bullpen to find Andy at the coffee station talking to Swarek, no doubt about the case - his case; their case.
Suddenly it dawns on him that he has the perfect opportunity. He decides on the spot that he'll pull a trick out of Swarek's old book and turn over the lead of the investigation to her. He hopes that if he puts his trust in her for once, it will give him the opening he needs. That maybe it will improve his chances of getting her excited and impassioned enough, that she might possibly associate those feelings with him. He also thinks that her congenial demeanor and unassuming presence might be just the key to getting the confession. He hides his scowl behind a fake smile when he approaches the pair, and focuses on Andy when he fills her in on the new approach he wants to take.
Sam stays stoic throughout their exchange, and shoots Andy a 'you got this' wink before she follows Luke back into the interview. He's nearing the end of his shift and is not necessarily looking forward to facing the mountain of paperwork waiting for him on his desk, so he slips quietly into the viewing room to observe Andy's technique and to encourage her silently from the shadows.
Not fifteen minutes after Andy takes over, the woman starts spilling her guts, letting her confession and motive flow freely from her conscience.
"I did it", she confessed. "I caught the bum cheating on me. He was slipping it to at least two other girls that I know of; all the while telling me how much he loves me. He deserved it. "
"I understand" Andy acquiesces, "Tell me exactly what happened."
The woman starts rambling on about the victim's cheating ways and how and when she planned her revenge. Andy throws them all for a loop when she asks where the woman got the gun. The simple question, seemingly unnecessary, winds up giving them a good lead on another suspect wanted for selling illegal weapons.
Sam can't help but watch on with a sense of pride, knowing that he is at least partly responsible for the polished copper that has emerged from the fawn like rookie he met two years ago. He lets himself hang back in the room for a bit, waiting to grab her and pull her in there with him the second she walks out, aching to show her just how impressed he is.
After the statement is taken, and the confession is taped, the suspect is lead to booking by one of the officers manning it that day.
"Crime of passion, huh, who would have guessed?" Andy offers, mostly just to fill the awkward silence.
"Love" Luke states, "I'd be out of work without it."
They share a weighted look and swiftly refocus their attention.
Sam sees the look and something inside him tends to agree.
Andy and Luke were just wrapping it all up, getting ready to part, when Luke decides to give it one last 'college try'.
"That was some really great work, Andy."
Andy accepted the compliment with a smile and a nod, "Yeah, thanks, Luke."
"No, I mean it" he continued, "I don't think I could have done it without you."
Playing for modest, Andy brushes it off, "I'm sure you could have, but I'm glad I could help."
"We worked really well together on this" he hedges on, "then again, we always have complimented each other."
Still lingering on the other side, Sam rolls his eyes. He's pretty sure he knows where this conversation is going to lead.
Andy shrugs, unfazed by the pathetic attempt. "Whatever you say, Luke. Have a good night."
She takes a step and reaches out for the doorknob, but the hand grabbing her elbow halts her advance. Sam's eyebrows shoot up to his hairline and he has to consciously refrain from marching in there with his proverbial guns blazing.
"Hey" Luke offers hopefully, "how about we go grab a drink at The Penny, to celebrate?"
"Thanks" Andy declines politely while reclaiming her arm, "but I already have plans tonight."
Her hand finds its way back to the knob and the door is already open about an inch wide, her foot is poised to take a step, when she hears his dejected tone.
"Andy, I miss you."
She lets out a tired sigh, and turns back around to face him, letting the door fall closed behind her. "Luke, when are you going to stop this already?" It's been over four months. You know that I am with Sam now, and I am happy. Just let it go already."
"Please Andy," Luke beseeches, "just talk to me. Just for five minutes can we have an honest conversation and lay all of our cards out on the table?"
"No, Luke. There's nothing left to say."
"Please" he pleads, "Five minutes and I'll never bring it up again, if that is what you want."
Andy has absolutely no desire to hear anything he has to say. She's heard it all a thousand times before anyway, hasn't she? All she wants to do is get out of that room, swap her uniform for some jeans, find Sam and enjoy the company of her friends. In the end, she figures that the five minutes just might be worth it, if it will just get him to move on already.
She huffs out a resigned sigh and agrees. "You have five minutes. My boyfriend is waiting for me."
Sam scrubs a hand across his jaw. He knows that she doesn't need him barging in there to save her like he wants to, but he is also not missing a word of this conversation. Maybe it is wrong to eavesdrop, but Andy is his girl now, so he justifies it. Sam folds his arms across his chest, squares his hips, and sets his feet, intent on staying to watch this circus unfold.
Luke smiles, and his voices changes over from begging to confident; a detective giving his statement on the stand. "Andy, I know you are seeing Sam. Trust me, I am more than aware. You think he makes you happy, but I made you happy too."
"Luke, please -" Andy tries to interject.
He cuts her off and keeps going, "No, Andy, let me continue. I get it. I know I made a huge mistake, but I will never let that happen again. You don't need to keep plowing forward and settle with him just to prove a point."
"You think I'm settling? With him?" Andy asks incredulously.
"I know you are" Luke says, holding his ground. "I loved you. I was willing to marry you. I still would, because I still love you."
"Willing?" she repeats, disbelieving his misguided arrogance.
"It is all about the thrill of the chase with him" Luke carries on, ignoring her question, "Once that wears off he will be on the next available taskforce and out of your life."
Luke ignores the snort and indignant headshake that Andy is throwing his way and continues, "He'll leave and you know it, Andy, don't waste your time. He doesn't love you."
Back in the observation room, Sam can pretty much feel his blood literally boiling at this point. His hand is already turning the doorknob, but Andy's retort and the conviction in her voice keeps him grounded for that moment.
"Um, yes, he does" she objected, stressing each word with certainty.
"He's told you that?" Luke questions, doubtfully.
"That's really none of your business" she snaps back, defensively.
"I didn't think so" he deduces brazenly.
Andy could feel her irritation growing, but she reigned in her temper, and continued to speak calmly and confidently. "He doesn't need to."
Upon Luke's bewildered look, she clarifies her statement, leaving no room for reproach. "He doesn't need to say it for me to know it's true. He proves it with how he treats me. Every. Single. Day. And let me tell you, actions" she stresses the word while looking at him pointedly, "speak a hell of a lot louder than words."
Sam feels something relax inside of him when she says that. At least his efforts have not been lost on her. He smiles because she gets it; she gets him. The small relief is short lived, however, when he hears the detective speak again.
"Maybe so, Andy. Maybe he does love you" Luke concedes, "but you can't honestly say that you feel the same! You love me. You were going to marry me. There's no way that changes in just a few short months, regardless of anyone's actions."
Now hyper aware of the fact that Luke basically just articulated every nagging concern and doubt that lied dormant in his brain, Sam takes a deep breath and holds it while waiting for her answer.
Andy snorts and shoves her hands in her hair, lacing her fingers through the strands. She looks up to the ceiling and it is pretty obvious that she is biting the inside of her cheek, not wanting to admit whatever it is that is at the tip of her tongue, daring to jump out.
"Come on Andy, at least be honest with me" Luke exclaims.
Sam starts to wonder how exactly Luke gained the ability to read his mind in the last few minutes.
"You want honesty?" Andy finally explodes.
"Yes – it would be nice!"
"Honestly, Luke, I did love you. I woke up every morning and consciously made the choice to commit to you, to be with you, and to love you. It was my choice and I stuck by it." She took a deep breath and continued much more softly, "I never made the choice to love Sam."
With that confession, Sam had every desire to walk out of the room, maybe go home and drink a bottle or two of scotch, but the feeling of blood draining from his heart, renders him physically unable to move in that moment.
"So choose to let yourself love me again," Luke implores, "Let me in again. We can make it work."
Andy shakes her head exasperatedly, "You just don't get it." Under her breath she adds, "Then again, you never really have."
"Explain it to me then." His voice sounds demanding, but his words are really more of a plea for her to put him out of his self-imposed misery one way or another.
She takes a deep breath and can't believe that she is about to confess the truth that she had only recently admitted to herself.
"I never made the choice to love Sam, because I never had to."
Both Luke and Sam simultaneously feel their brows furrow in confusion with that statement.
She continues, "My feelings for him were just always there. At first I tried to deny it; tried to brush it off as a T.O. / rookie, teacher student thing. Then as a friend thing, and then as a partner thing, but that inexplicable pull towards him never went away no matter how hard I tried to fight it. I was lying to myself, even then."
Luke runs his hands through his hair and makes a noise that sounds like a choking sob from the back of his throat. Andy feels bad about it for a second, but now that the floodgates were open, she had to let it all out; tell the whole truth.
"So you are right, Luke. I don't love Sam in the same way that I did you. My love for him just is. It always has been, involuntary… natural. I may have loved you, Luke, but I am one hundred percent in love with Sam, and I'm pretty sure I always have been" she admitted.
"Andy…"
"No, Luke. I am sorry if it hurts you to hear it, but you wanted honesty and that is the honest truth. It has always been him."
In the other room, Sam finally let go of the breath that he took in several minutes ago.
Luke sat, shaking his head in protest but he was gob smacked and no words came.
"Neither of us can change the past, Luke, but I think I made it pretty clear that I wouldn't even if I could. I don't have to fake it anymore, and neither do you. She's out there for you somewhere, put the case file down and go find her."
She gave him a sympathetic smile and lightly touched his shoulder before concluding, "I really need to go now, and move ahead to my future."
Before she was even able to utter the final few sentences, Sam found himself slinking down against the wall, winded from her admissions. After the roller coaster of emotions that he had just ridden, he is not even sure what he is supposed to feel in that moment. The one thing he is sure of, however, is that it's time for him to 'man up'.
Pushing her way passed Luke and out of the interrogation room, Andy heads to her locker, eager for a change of clothes, scenery and company. And after that conversation, she was also craving a nice, strong drink.
Sam is there, waiting for her, leaning with one foot bracketing the wall when she finally emerges looking refreshed and carefree. She furrows her brow a bit when she sees the indistinguishable look on his face, but remains silent. Wordlessly, he takes her bag from her and slings it over his shoulder. He uses his hand on her lower back to guide her out of the rear exit towards his truck.
As soon as the cool air hits their faces, he moves suddenly and backs her up against the precinct's red brick wall. He kisses her passionately for a few minutes until he's sure that lack of oxygen will overtake him. She pulls back panting, and looks questioningly into his eyes.
He squints a little and really looks at her before he speaks.
"I love you. I love you, Andy. You know that, right?"
Her face breaks into a smile that she can't suppress. "I know, and I love you too, Sam - so much."
He can't tamp down the smile that overtakes his face either, but he doesn't particularly care. "I know" he admits with a wink, before he gets serious again.
"Hey," he says to get her to shift her focus from his lips back to his eyes, "You know I'm not going anywhere. This is real for me."
She is about to say that she knows again, before the realization hits her. "You heard us" she states, un-accusingly.
At his smirk and nod, she smiles brighter and exhales, relieved. "Good, then it saves me from having to re-tell that nightmare."
A laugh erupts from his belly, and he wraps his arm around her shoulder while shaking his head. "The Penny?" he queries.
"Absolutely" she confirms, curving her hand around his waist, before leaning upwards and pressing a kiss against his dimpled cheek.
He squeezes her shoulder and she bumps her hip against his, smiling brightly. The couple walks confidently together to the end of the lot, finding assurance in each other's embrace, and head off to meet their friends.
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Thoughts? Review, please!