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Dead Inside

Carol sat stiffly in the passenger seat of the small car as they raced after the other car that had passed them on the road. It was so dark and she could barely see anything other than the distant tail lights ahead of them. She glanced at Daryl, taking in the way his hands gripped the steering wheel so tight that the skin across his knuckles were stretched thin and white. His jaw was clenched and his eyes narrowed on the road before them. He was distracted and concerned about Beth but she knew it wouldn't be long before he would want to talk.

She shook her head a little. That was a new side of Daryl. Sure, he would have conversations but he'd never pushed before. Carol looked over at him again with a sudden realization. Before today, he had never really allowed himself to be vulnerable with her. He hadn't put himself in a position where she could reject him. Not like he had that day.

Carol turned back to the road and thought back to that afternoon. He had stood there behind her with an almost boyish look of hope. He had said "let's start over." At the time she had thought he meant all of them but now…maybe he had meant the two of them. He was different now. She had seen the changes in him in just the few days the group had been back together. His behavior with her was the most noticeable difference. He thought he was being stealthy but she had noticed the way he was never far from her.

The night before he had wanted to take watch together and he had stared at her for the longest time waiting for her to speak, almost willing it to happen. He seemed to accept it when she said she couldn't talk about it but he had kept his eyes on her rather than the woods around them for most of the night. Another thing that had surprised her was that for the first time in memory he hadn't volunteered to go on the run, opting instead to help her get water. And tonight when she had snuck off, he had followed her. He had never before been so…persistent. It had always been her to approach him and the change was a bit unsettling.

She cringed inside, knowing that he would want an explanation for why she had snuck off. Why she had been about to drive away from the group, this time of her own volition. He would want to know why she had been leaving him without saying a word. She didn't have a good answer. She didn't know how to explain that she didn't know who she was anymore or where she belonged, if anywhere. She had known since seeing Rick and Carl reunited with Judith that she didn't belong with them anymore. It was reinforced every time she saw the pain and sadness in Tyreese's eyes. The person she had been was dead now; had been dying bit by bit for a long time.

Carol could remember the exact moment that each part of her had died. The first time was back at the quarry, the day Shane had beat the hell out of Ed. That night Ed had tried to get Sophia to stay with him in their tent. He had grabber the little girl's arm and Carol had known what he wanted with their daughter. She had died a little right then, just knowing what he would do to her baby but she had kept Sophia from enduring that particular horror. The next day, after they had lost so many people, Carol had stood looking around at the carnage, he eyes finally landing on her husband's mutilated body and she felt…nothing but relief. She had taken the pickaxe from Daryl and put it into her dead husband's head over and over. With each swing another piece of her died and she was glad.

The day they had lost Sophia was the day she lost the most of who she had been. Daryl had kept her hope alive for days but in the darkest part of her heart she had known that Sophia was dead. But still, every day that there was hope and Sophia wasn't found, dead or alive, another part of herself disappeared. Then Carol had seen her baby girl come stumbling out of the barn, pale and dirty, eyes clouded over with death, growling and grunting, and had she been certain that the last piece of who she was had died with Sophia.

But she had been wrong. Daryl. He had kept her alive, not just physically but emotionally, throughout the winter and during the difficult months when they first found the prison. Then the sickness came and she had killed Karen and David. She knew then that the woman she had been was nearly gone but for one little sliver she had desperately held onto. The day Rick had taken her out of the prison was when she let go of that last piece of herself. The watch Ed had given her for their anniversary. The last piece of her old life she had held onto and as she had given it to Rick she felt that little sliver of the woman she was fade away. And she realized something. With every part of her that died, she became stronger, more confident, a new woman.

Carol didn't know how to tell Daryl any of that and she didn't know if she wanted to. How could she tell him the woman he had known, had been friends with and cared about was dead? She had been reborn into the woman who sat beside him in that dusty little car. She didn't know if he would accept who she was now and she was too afraid to find out if the answer was no.

Suddenly, Daryl shocked her out of her melancholy thoughts with a short laugh and she stared at him incredulously. He glanced over at her and smirked.

"You remember the day you kissed me?"

Carol's eyes widened and her mind went completely blank for a moment before she burst out laughing herself.

"Yeah." In her best imitation of Daryl's gravelly voice she said, "Watch out, I got stitches," and she laughed again. "That was also the first day I got to see you without your shirt on." Carol's mouth closed with an audible snap. Had she really just said that?

Daryl was grinning at her though and even in the darkness she could see his eyes soften before he turned back to the road. If she knew him at all though, he was blushing.

"Pfft. That ain't exactly something to brag about," he said with a short laugh. Then he grew serious. "You know, you were the first person since my momma died that showed me any kindness." He reached over and grabbed her hand and brought it to his lips to kiss her palm. Her hand tingled where his lips had touched and a warmth spread through her as she automatically curled her fingers around his.

"You didn't let me run away, Carol. You helped me find my place. Let me do that for you too. Please." He looked at her again and she could see the odd mix of hope and fear in his face as his smile faded. Her throat closed around tears she refused to shed and she closed her eyes. They had helped each other through so much already. Maybe they could get through this together after all. "Let's find Beth. Then we can sort it out." She opened her eyes, hoping he would let it go for now.

"Promise me you ain't gonna run away again. Promise you ain't gonna leave without telling me."

Carol's fingers tightened around his. He wasn't going to push her to talk about it right now. She felt ashamed that she had started to leave without telling him goodbye. She knew he would have fought her but she should have realized that her sudden disappearance would hurt him. She thought about what she would have done if their situations were reversed. She would have gone after him. If she was leaving the group he deserved to know. She didn't want him looking for her and she certainly didn't want him not knowing what had happened to her.

"I promise you I won't leave without telling you, Daryl."

Daryl nodded and kissed her palm again but didn't release her. Instead he held her hand in his, resting them both on his thigh and faced the road again. She had longed for this level of closeness with him and when it finally came she was the one who was broken. Carol looked at him for another moment, marveling again at the wonderful man beside her, and then looked again at the tail lights ahead of them thinking of the hard road ahead. At least for now, they would travel it together.

Fin.

A/N: I am sooooo excited about the Caryl Roadtrip!