Antoine de Saint-Exupery once wrote, "To love is not to look at one another, But to look together in the same direction." I think he is right in that aspect. No matter who I was with, whether Brooke or Peyton, it was never love. It was lust and a great time but I needed something that could be my forever. Someone next to me for the rest of my life.
The other reason why Brooke and Peyton never worked for me was that they were women. Haley says that I should be an actor seeing as how I have everyone fooled. I wonder what people would say when they found out that Lucas Scott was all queer. Haley knows my secret. She, being my sneaky best friend and sister-in-law, snooped through my journal and read everything. She read my darkest secrets and my innermost thoughts. It was there that I expressed my fondness for various men. I described how much I loved Jake's smile or how good Tim looked in a uniform. True he was a pest, but the Raven's uniform did him justice. Not as much as Nathan though. Even how Chris Keller had a sexy voice. Yeah, Haley still won't let me live that down. It's been over a year.
So anyway, Haley found out and went all googly eyed over it. She wants me to tell someone how I feel. I'm not ready to take that leap. Coming out could easily ruin whatever life I have now. Dan would publicly humiliate me and my mom. My mom would lose all hope of having grandchildren. Nathan would never speak to me again. Brooke and Peyton would be harassed about it. It's not just me involved in this. Everything is at stake. So I decided to keep it to myself, I just had to let Haley know when we went out tonight. It was our weekly date. Nathan stayed home and watched James while Haley and I enjoyed each others company. I was already dressed for the occasion and just waited for Haley to stop by my apartment.
DING DONG
I guess she's here. I ran from my room and pulled the front door open. To my surprise it wasn't Haley standing there. Instead I found a teary eyed Nathan. He looked like he could barely stand on his own two feet.
"Nate, what's wrong?"
"Luke, it's Haley." He said as he lurched forward in tears.
"Nathan what are you talking about?"
"I took James to the Rivercourt." He sniffed.
"What about Haley?"
"She's dead Luke. Someone hit her. She went looking for me. It's my fault. I can't do this without her."
"Hey, come on. Let's get you home. Where is James?"
"In the car, he fell asleep crying."
"She died holding him. How am I going to raise him Luke?"
"Come on in. I want you to sit on the couch while I go get James." I tried comforting him, even though I was breaking down on the inside.
"Luke, she said she loves you and to tell you that you should tell 23 what the real raven 3 looks like. I don't know what she meant. Do you?"
"Yeah, I'll explain later. Be right back." I said as I ran out the door to the car. I unlocked the back door and pulled a fussy 3 year old from his car seat.
"Unkie Luke. Mommy in heaben. She no love me no moor." James said as I carried him up the stairs to my apartment.
"Hey, your mommy loves you very much. She will always love you buddy."
"Mommy wisper in my eer. She say you love daddy. Mommy no love daddy."
"How about we go see daddy?" I whispered as we neared the door.
"He loves you. Daddy wrote in his dournal. Mommy saids it was coot."
"She did?" I asked as we opened the door. James caught sight of his grief stricken dad.
"Yea. Daddy no cwy. Mommy is happy in heaben. Unkie Luke will make you happy –gain."
"Come here buddy." Nathan said as he outstretched his arms. James willingly went towards his fathers arms and rested against his chest.
"Daddy. I love you."
"I love you to baby James."
I sat on the opposing couch and watched as my nephew fell asleep. It came peacefully for him. As smart as he was, he really hadn't grasped the fact that his mom was never coming home.
"Luke, can I put him down somewhere?"
"Yeah, put him on my bed."
"Are you sure? Where are you going to sleep?"
"Nathan, I'll be fine. I haven't broken in the couch yet." I lightly joked.
I glanced up as Nathan carried James into the bedroom. After a few minutes, Nathan returned still as shaken as before.
"Is he asleep?"
"Yeah. I need to talk to you about some things, if you don't mind."
"Shoot."
"When I saw Haley in the hospital she asked me not to call you. She said she needed to talk to me alone first. Then she told me about the 23 ravens or whatever it was."
"Tell 23 what the real raven 3 looks like." I replied.
"Yeah, what does that mean? She told me that is was of the utmost importance."
"It means that I need to tell you about the real me, Nate. Haley had a way of finding out secrets."
"Yeah, Haley sure did have a knack for squeezing them out of people."
"So, James told me something tonight. He said that you keep a journal."
"Luke, it was one of those things that Haley kept a secret. I didn't know James knew."
"Hey, calm down. We are adults. One thing at a time. I will start."
"I am gay. Haley read my journal and learned some new things about me."
"Okay. This is weird. My Brother, my Lover. Haley was right." Nathan said to himself, although a little too loudly.
"My Brother, My Lover. You know that story. God, Haley told you about that." I said a little surprised and upset. Haley promised to keep that a secret.
"I told Haley about it, Luke. Nick Scottson was a friend of mine. He told me about it once"
"So there I sat watching my brother undress before me…" I started, hoping Nathan would finish. My eyes stared broodingly at him.
"His creamy skin was calling me to him. This feeling building up inside me was too much to bear. My fingers tore at him with a lust I had seen only on late night movies."
"So Nick, huh? At least it was a good pen name."
"But how did you know?"
"You son gave you away. I know better than to think you write in a journal. I figured it was that red composition book you toted around everywhere. And your son said that you loved me but that you didn't love his mommy."
"Luke, I don't know what to say."
"Say it's true. Say you love me. Haley and you have been separated for three years. So be true to yourself."
"But we're brothers, Luke."
"Are we? You obviously don't remember when your mom died."
"What are you talking about? Of course I remember."
"Then why did you punch you dad after her funeral?"
"He said that she was a whore. Why are you bringing this up?"
"Dan isn't your dad. Deb wasn't a whore either. She was pregnant when she met your dad. She just didn't know it. Not her fault."
"That's right. Dan wasn't my dad. I remember we went and celebrated that night. It was the night Dan found out that he had no children. Keith was your real dad and we didn't care who mine was."
"So technically we are just friends."
"If that's what you want."
"For now, I want someone to help raise my son. If hot and sweaty sex happens too. Well then when do we start." He said with a grin.
Journal Entry, Chapter 1 Page 7 of 7