Body Memory
Disclaimer: I do not own Yu Yu Hakusho.
Like most things in his life, Kurama didn't ask for it to happen. However, unlike most of the decisions he faced in his three thousand years, he wasn't the least bit aware he had already made it.
The actions flowed spontaneously from every part of his body. His hands, his lips, his chest, his groin. Even the sound of flesh pounding against flesh was comfortingly familiar. Every intake of breath seemed to feed the familiarity and spurred his body into pushing more and more into the recesses of a path he knew there will be no turning back from.
And yet, he couldn't make himself stop.
It was almost like he was in a trance, acting out of his own accord. He'd heard about the exact term for it here in Ningenkai. They called it body memory. He felt detached from his own self, as if he could see his body performing actions through a clear glass from above. His own baiting words, as he could hear them as he was saying them, surprised even him.
And yet, he didn't hold back.
Before this, in an innocent world that seemed so miles away, he knew he was bored. And he welcomed it, thinking that it was the side effect of the security he had unknowingly been chasing in his centuries of living in both Makai and Ningenkai. Ready to settle down with the one person he chose to give his wild heart. One that he had worked so hard to steal and finally, keep.
And now that he has it…
He shook his head and buried his face in his hands.
"Ken?" his companion asked. "Is anything the matter?"
"No," he said gently. "Rest now, you must be tired."
The blonde smiled at him and snuggled back to sleep.
At night, alone in his immaculate room, Kurama always finds himself looking at a morose reflection. Draped in darkness was the best way to appreciate the redhead. Just like a rose. The shadows hugged him, as if knowing how precious and frail and rare his beauty was. His green eyes glistened and rivaled the glow of the moon, and his hair blended in with the darkness by taking on a dark hue of its own. If anyone thought he was a sight in day, then they were in for a surprise when they see him at night.
He traces his face in front of the mirror, moving his fingers through the careful contours and the relaxed expression. Though touching his skin felt like caressing the soft flesh of a mask, he acknowledged that this was his body now. Shuichi Minamino. The perfect child. The perfect child with the perfect reflection.
It was during these exact times that he wanted to claw out the faultless face and wound the godlike precision. The painted life sickened him, and sometimes there were urges to burrow through all the pretensions he's put on just to find his real identity. Ever since the end of the Makai tournament, he questioned his decision to leave his youko persona behind every fucking day. And as if in revenge, the youko screeched for freedom like a banshee inside his head. Kurama would cram himself at the corner of his room for hours, covering his head with his arms. Never show weakness. Be calm in the face of danger. Those were the terms he and even the youko swore by. But sometimes... something just had to give, didn't it?
Who was he? Who was Kurama?
Behind the numbness and the insanity of it all, for a time, he was Kurama the dedicated lover.
He had thought it was too late when he realized that he was in love with Hiei. The demon had bound himself in service to Mukuro, and more than his services, he had given her part of his heart as well. Kurama felt it the moment Hiei collapsed on Mukuro's arms after their fight. Hiei had finally fallen for the Makai lord, and she for him, too.
It was at that point that Kurama felt the greatest pain in his life. He never thought something could hurt so much inside, it could cause physical pain. He clutched at his chest upon seeing Mukuro carry Hiei on her arms, taking him away to her castle.
Taking him away from Kurama.
To an outsider, it wasn't Mukuro's fault. Nor Hiei's. Hiei argued that Kurama had never made any of his feelings known to him. He never asked Hiei to love him.
Kurama agreed. All he did, after all, was work so hard to get Hiei's trust. Tending his wounds. Fighting ruthlessly beside him. Seeing beyond rhyme nor reason when Hiei asked him to do something.
Does anybody else know love any deeper than that? Kurama spat with bitterness when he finally confronted the jaganshi. And all the bionic bitch had to do was shed her clothes of in front of Hiei, and in an instant, she had him following her like a dog. If he knew it was that easy, he would have given Hiei a show the first time he had met him. And he knew, oh he knew, how to put on a great one, if that was all that Hiei needed.
He was just bitter, of course. It wasn't so much as the nakedness of body but the nakedness of soul that attracted Hiei to Mukuro. The fact that she trusted him so much to bare her ugly self without fear. And Kurama... Kurama had always put up a front for Hiei, thinking that he always had to be his best. He didn't know if it was because of the practiced politeness, or the fact that he really was uncomfortable baring himself and letting someone inside the workings of his mind. In due fairness, he himself didn't know he was being moved to care for his fighting partner for deeper reasons. Not until that moment when Hiei was stolen right under his nose did he become aware of that Hiei had become his most-treasured possession.
It was a brutal fight, of course. Stealing a Makai lord's lover, after all, would prove one of the greatest feats of Youko Kurama. The kitsune who was the best thief that lived. The fight was neither physical nor emotional. Purely a battle of wits as Kurama decided that he would fight for Hiei in the best way possible – without the jaganshi bearing the stress of it.
In the end, he won. Hiei had become his again. The fox's.
A slow rumble begged for Kurama's attention and he turned his head back, trying to see if the blonde companion had awoken again. When he saw the lad fast asleep, he realized he was snoring. Kurama was brought back to the present with that serene expression on the lad's face, and despite himself he let out an amused smile.
He was so cute.
When Hiei slept, he let out no sound at all. Kurama had become familiar with this as his prize spent more nights inside his room. Like a baby, he would clutch at Kurama's chest and snuggle. As if Kurama's scent was all he needed to be at peace. Like he was afraid the fox would leave him at any time.
It wasn't cute. It was heartbreaking. What shadows lurked inside Hiei's mind for him to clutch on to hope so desperately?
I would never leave you, Hiei.
Kurama knew that his heart belonged to the dragon-bearer and no one else's. The love drove Kurama almost crazy. He had never actually fallen in love with somebody before. His feeling led him to hunger for Hiei like he was air. In truth, Kurama realized that he probably loved Hiei more than the fire demon loved him. Although physically he didn't clutch at the small figure, inside his head, he clung on to Hiei for dear life. He had long ago realized that he was so in love with the fire demon, he couldn't afford to lose Hiei. It would be like dying.
Hence, Hiei can never find out.
It started simply enough. He was reading a book at the park, passing time in relaxation. Hiei still worked for Mukuro and was due to be back the month after anyway. As he turned page after page, he slowly felt a tingle rising at the back of his neck. Finally, he looked up from his paperback.
They were across him. Looking at him directly. The pair of university boys.
One had short blue hair and a smirk on his face, while the taller one had a more serious expression framed by long blonde hair. The blonde drew his attention more. He had such lonely eyes, hidden by round spectacles.
They approached him side by side until they were inches away from him. The blue haired teen leaned down and, with a smile and a wink, asked him if he wanted to hang out at their apartment.
Kurama didn't know why Hiei still worked for the bionic bitch. It hurt the fox like mad, but he had never raised any issue about it. He smiled his usual understanding smile and let his demon run free. Hiei loved him, after all. He had looked into the intense ruby eyes and saw the truth in Hiei's statement.
But the love… it wasn't enough. Not for Kurama.
"Why not?" the redhead said defiantly, flipping his hair back.
He wanted it. It was so long ago since he had his last. The proposition was something he would issue many times as a demon, but now it was the first time he was at the receiving end.
The intensity of his love for Hiei consumed him. The fact that Hiei didn't love him back in the same level… Kurama couldn't handle it. He suddenly hungered for the casual, no-commitment sex he was used to when he was a youko. Just fucking, instead of making love. Fucking without the responsibility of giving strength. Fucking without the thought of being someone's source of unwavering love. Fucking without giving. Fucking and just taking it, taking everything, all in. Just the way he used to.
Just the way Youko Kurama always does things.
Now, he looked at his right and found, beside the blonde, the sleeping form of the blue haired teen.
Seimei and Soubi. He would have preferred them to be anonymous, like most of his one night stands. But he had learned their names when they shouted it at each other after he fucked them both.
He sighed and stood up, grabbing his clothes and putting them on. With one last look at the couple he left behind, he closed the apartment door and started walking his way back towards his house.
He had felt the energy signature a little bit earlier. As he got nearer and nearer his home, he could feel the ki growing stronger. He closed his eyes once again.
Though he dragged his feet to move in front of him, he felt like they were another's once more. The feeling of wearing someone else's suit was back. It suffocated him, drove him absolutely mad!
Who was he? Who was Kurama?
Behind the irony of it all, he would force himself to be Kurama, the dedicated lover.
He would gladly put on a smile for Hiei. Ask him about his adventures in Makai. Tend to his wounds. Whisper words of love and promise. Be someone he was not.
Because right now, more than his need to break out of this stupid pretense, his love for the demon drove him to stay who he is as the fire demon had fallen in love with him. He couldn't afford to lose Hiei. He would stay inside the mask and hide his ugly truth. It didn't matter if it was just for now, or forever. For Hiei's sake, he'll be someone that the fire demon exactly needed.
Do you like it? It is a bit too dark? If you'd like a sequel to this in Hiei's POV, please leave a review.