Title: Puppet Heart
Summary: Sasori is ready to leave behind the place he once called home and start afresh. Sakura can't hold back her feelings and won't allow it.
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or its characters.
Puppet Heart
He hadn't even taken a step outside of the village walls before he was forced to dodge an incoming shuriken. The weapon dug into the thick sand a meter away from his body, clearly it's aim was his head. He rose from his bent position with narrowed eyes, surveying the area. No one in sight.
But then he felt it. It was only a small jolt, but he felt it. a flicker of chakra, lasting barely a second but had sparked towards 10 o' clock, atop the sand walls. It had to be her, without a doubt.
Cautiously, he looked behind himself. All there was were the night guards that he had easily taken out within seconds. Now he had someone else to deal with.
It ignited a spark in him. Was she here after all? Had she known he was leaving?
He should be angry, outraged by the fact that she somehow figured out he would be making his departure from the village on this day. He had made it clear to her weeks before that their relationship would not be taken any further as he had other priorities, but at the back of his mind, he knew she could tell he was lying. But he hadn't bothered to further persuade her, as being dishonest after staying truthful throughout the course of their relationship felt wrong and he just couldn't handle all the emotions that ran through him at the time. He slightly remembered feeling guilty over breaking things off with her, but he knew it was for the best. Now, those feelings were behind him. These emotions he had were just a nuisance and merely a waste of his time. Nothing good could come out of baring such sentiments.
He was supposed to be a new person now, and he didn't know how, but he felt it again. Her chakra. The same chakra he had learned to distinguish in any large crowd of people. The same chakra belonging to the woman he yearned for and sought after for the last half year. Was she hinting at something? He knew she was there, so did she want him to go over to her? Or was this a warning?
She knew better than to get in his way. He always went easy on her during training, but if she were to try to stop him from carrying out his goals he would have no choice but to rid of her.
This would be his ultimate test. Annihilate every single emotion in your body. Slice your dagger through her heart without remorse. Let there be no regret when watching the light flicker from her beautiful jade eyes...
Beautiful jade eyes stare up at him. She stood before the puppeteer in what seemed to be her pajamas. He hair was in tangles but she still managed to look breathtaking.
There stood the woman he cruelly pushed aside and out of his life. The woman he once had dreams of a future with. The woman he once told that he loved her. The woman who brought him out of the darkness of his depression. And now, the woman who would fight for him back.
Sasori drew out a dagger from its hilt without a thought. This would be the end.
Sakura glared down at the knife in his hands, sickened. "You wouldn't," she dared him.
Sasori let the remainder of the darkness in his core seep out, and Sakura watched with sadness in her eyes. "Yes, I would."
That same darkness his lover had helped him suppress was being set free. He wouldn't hold back. He wouldn't be kept in this hellhole any longer. He wouldn't allow himself to be tied down to a woman and children. The goals he had as a child that he set aside for the better good of the village, and where had that led him? Nowhere. He unselfishly ignored his own inhumane desires and was praised by the heavens by the gift of a Konoha medic nin who had changed him. At the time, it were a blessing, but now he realized that it was a curse and should have been nothing to him. He had let his defense down, and she had torn down the guard he built for himself since the day his parents had been killed. Never since had he allowed himself the pleasure of loving another being ever again. But then she came along, and changed him.
It was all her fault. He knew she didn't know why or how, but she didn't need to know. His life was none of her business anymore, and if it meant killing her to prove that his emotions were long gone, then so be it.
Sakura stood in a readying stance, kunai in one hand and the other held in a tight fist.
"I don't know what went wrong," there it is, "but I want you back. Please, don't leave Sasori."
"What I felt for you was nothing but fascination." The words felt like venom on his tongue, but the darkness kept his mouth running. "Don't let my confession of love to you back than be your driving force."
Sakura swallowed the lump in her throat. He knew her all too well. "That... That doesn't matter anymore!" she choked out. "What matters is your safety, Sasori! I want you back, not as lovers, but as close friends! We don't need to be as close as we were before... I mean..." Sakura blushed profusely even though he did nothing but stare emotionlessly as she rambled. She lowered her kunai and her eyes dropped to the ground. "It obviously scared you and I understand–"
"No Sakura, you don't understand." the way her name rolled off his tongue made her heart beat faster, but it suddenly dropped at his next words. "Before ridding myself of human emotions, i became interested in first understanding them. I never had real parental love, and Chiyo never meant anything to me. She had done nothing but lie to me my whole life about the truth of my parents death. Then there was you. You were special, i'll give you that. The perfect candidate that held feelings for me long before I even considered you an option. So, I went along with it for those 6 months. Think of yourself as nothing but a tool, something i experimented with and now have no use left of you."
Sakura couldn't believe her ears, and the fact that he said all that with such a straight face boiled her anger. "How could you just play with a woman's feelings so easily, as if they're nothing but dirt!? You treated this as nothing but a game for your demented mind, and now you're taking the easy way out of things by just walking away!"
Sakura felt tears sting at her eyes but she held them back. This was no time to break down. She would take on her former lover if she had to. He would not walk away from the village on her watch, and definitely not away from their still existing problems.
And as if reading her mind, "you think I'm just running away from my problems? I have nothing left to talk to you about anymore, Sakura. What we had is over. I have no time to play house and fulfill your own desires, i have my own that i still need to accomplish. I'm on a new path to find my true self, and that certain future doesn't include you."
Sakura's eyes widened as he speedily ran towards her frantic form, "So I'll rid of you from existence right here and now!"
Everything before her eyes happened in slow motion, despite the quick turn of events nearly causing her to faint. He ran at full speed, dagger at hand aimed directly towards her heart with the intent to kill in his once warm ash brown eyes. His mouth held in a tight straight line and his facial expression held no emotion other than sheer annoyance.
But there it was. She felt it, and unbelievably, so did he. Hesitance. The hand holding onto his blade fumbled and steered to the right away from his target, widely missing her heart and instead jamming in her upper arm. she cried out in pain but she knew it wasn't as worse as it could have been.
"You..." she glanced up into wide, astonished brown eyes. He couldn't believe that he had just done that. What had happened? He was aiming for her heart. She should be dead. He should be laughing at her misfortune and leaving her body to rot or be found in the early wake of dawn. He should be set free from this curse, and away from this place.
But those same beautiful jade eyes...
It mesmerized him. He felt alive.
For only a second, before a punch was aimed into his abdomen.
His body jerked from the impact and he was sent cruising back into the walls of the village. His body created a human sized crater and he sat there in shock.
His eyes shot up towards the pinkette who had started walking towards him. She cracked a small smile as she began healing her arm. His eyes lingered on her wound and he gritted his teeth when guilt washed over his form.
Sakura immediately reached out to search for wounds on his body, but he quickly slapped her hand away. She felt hurt for a moment and frowned, deciding to step back and give him some space.
She spoke the words he tried so hard not to think about, "you couldn't do it."
Pathetic. How could he hesitate so late? He had his mind set on killing her but then these disgusting feelings got in the way.
He shouldn't be able to feel. Why are these emotions running through his body? They should be gone, locked away from existence. It shouldn't be possible for him to be so easily guided by fake love. They were no longer lovers, the darkness had made him think so, at least. Has he not been completely consumed by evil yet?
His eyes lowered away from her arm to her feet and slowly slid back up to her face. He hadn't noticed it earlier, but even through the dim lighting of the night sky he saw the tears streaming down her face, despite her tight lipped smile. His chest ached.
He was causing her this pain.
He diverted his eyes to stare over her shoulder. He won't allow her to get to him so easily.
Sasori noticed the rise of her shoulder and the twitch of her neck as she winced in pain. Despite her superior medic skills and experience in healing wounds, such a deep gash would definitely hurt and she was lucky he hadn't pulled a poison dipped dagger on her.
Sakura noticed the way he would let his gaze wander from her and quickly to the deserted land around them. She wasn't sure what to think of his ideals and what he desired outside of the village, but she would definitely stop him. She wouldn't let go of him that easily.
As she thought all of this a light breeze snaked around her neck and her pink locks lifted off her shoulders. If it weren't for the current situation, she would definitely loved to have enjoyed the cool night breeze on her balcony right now. But there was no time for that right now... not while Sasori still had thoughts of leaving the village. When had he decided on doing something like this? He obviously prepared in advance, he was just that sort of person. He knew the complications that would come with leaving behind your village. You would be classified as a missing nin and searched far and wide across the country. If it got to a certain point, bounties would be set for your head, knowing the amount of knowledge a person can carry of the secrets held within their hidden village. This just didn't sound like something Sasori would want to go through at all. So the question was, why?
Sasori sighed and let his eyes wander back to her face to carefully study her facial expressions. She seemed adamant on keeping him from leaving, wasn't she? He didn't deserve the attention of such a loving and caring person. Most others in the village would only go after him because it was their job and the pay for retrieving missing nins was high. Sakura on the other hand, and maybe even Chiyo, would race out after him without a second thought. Which is why he had been so surprised Sakura had shown up as he was just about to leave. How did she find out? It puzzled him but he decided to let it slide. No matter what she says or does, he will leave the village tonight, whether she wants him to or not.
As he gained consciousness from his slight daze, he lifted his head away from the wall and paled. He placed his hand to the wet spot on the back of his head. Blood.
And of course, let mother nature be against him today as well. The breeze blew harder and sand whipped at his face and sand caught in his eyes. Was this the Sand nations way of telling him to stay?
He looked up at Sakura as the glow on her arm got dimmer. He did nothing but lay there and stare, awaiting her next move. Mostly because the blood gushing out his head was starting to get to him and stalling for a bit wouldn't be too bad... right?
Sakura noticed this and there was a long awkward silence after she finished healing her arm. "Sasori, are you okay?"
She walked closer to him and her arm hesitantly reached out to his face and this time he allowed her to touch him. He unconsciously let his eyelids flutter shut. Her hand held a warmth he so recognized and missed. It was an unhealthy addiction, and it was slowly coming back.
She wiped away the sand in his eyes and brushed off the dust in his hair and whispered softly, "I love you."
"I–" he stopped himself immediately. His eyes shot open and glared up at her poker face.
"How can you say that at a time like this?" he spat, once again slapping her hand and pushing her away. The warmth was gone. The moment was lost. "after everything I just said, after I nearly killed you, how can you still love me?"
She smiled, and despite being rejected and brushed off from presenting her feelings, she continued. "I love your smile. I love your eyes. Actually, I love your whole body. I also love your sweet grandmother. I love when you hold my hand and tug on it when you're feeling uncomfortable in front of my parents. I love how much you despise Konoha but when it comes to me you would travel far and wide to be by my side. I love when you kiss me with so much passion and I love the late night talks and cuddles we had. I love you and everything about you, and I'll never stop saying it."
This woman was too much for him.
It hit him at full force. Without meaning to, his hands snagged onto her shirt and pulled her close.
She gasped in surprise the second his cold hand brushed against her head and softly tangled his fingers in her hair. He slowly guided her head down and tucked it into his shoulder, hiding the immense blush across her face. His other hand lightened its grip on her shirt and snaked around her waist, pressing her right up against him. She felt him breath heavily down her neck and goosebumps formed. "Sasori..."
Something in him snapped and Sasori pulled away at the same time she had and they both realized that the moment had ended too quickly.
Sasori sighed and took a moment to collect his own thoughts. His hands twitched, wanting so badly to hold and touch her again... But he held himself back.
What had possible gone wrong? At first, all he had wanted was to be away from the life he built for himself and go back to what he most wanted, and what he wanted wasn't here. He searched and searched for years and despite his happiness being short lived, he had been the one to end it on his own. He made the call, and it was his own decision that would help play out his future. He knew he wouldn't get a second chance in the Sand village. Sakura was a whole other story. The only thing holding him back from kidnapping her and keeping her all to himself was that he knew getting her involved in what he was setting out for would be a grave mistake.
So he had done the only thing he thought he could possibly do; block out his emotions. If he were to forget that he ever loved her, erase what he felt for her, and disregard her as something that was ever important to him, then being away from her would be a simple task.
But his plan had backfired. He couldn't help it. There was an invisible force pulling him towards her that he just couldn't stop it...
She was the one to act and break the silence again. She confidently held out a hand in assistance, "Come on, it wasn't that hard of a punch." she smiled.
Her teasing ignited a fire in him. He bit his tongue to prevent from replying with an immature snarky remark.
Then again, he use to always do that, hadn't he? They would occasionally tease each other until one would get fed up and stomp out of the room. That person being almost always Sakura. Then he would eventually sought after her and find her hiding in his apartment bedroom and apologize. Then, instead of the typical rough makeup sex most young adults reverted to at their age, they would instead snuggle and talk for nearly hours on his bed until it was late enough that she would have to return to Chiyo's house. Her 2 year stay in Suna was coming to a close end and they had hit it off pretty quickly, knowing they wouldn't have enough time with each other before she would need to leave. She would occasionally go back to Konoha and there were two occurrences that Sasori couldn't handle being away from her for so long that he had traveled to Konoha twice just to see her. Both times she had been angry and shocked that he would travel that far just for her, but he was sure to always bring up their promise.
Whenever you need me, I'll always be there.
The first time he had trailed after her to Konoha, she had scoffed at him after he recited the promise, stating that she was perfectly fine. The second time around, she had tackled him in a bear hug and admitted just how right he was. That even though she still had time in Suna left, being away from each other was just too painful and that they might as well spend every waking moment together.
As if having the power to see the memories rolling through his brain, she laughed. Sasori snapped out of his reminiscing and bathed in the sound of her delightful voice. That same cute laugh that he longed to hear every single day.
He couldn't help the smile that formed on his face. Hers was just too contagious.
And he offered a chuckle, and his chest swelled when he noticed her face brighten.
The sun was rising slowly in the distance. He should be leaving right about now.
But, did he really want to? Then this moment would be over. He wanted to talk to her more. He wanted her closer to him again, close enough that he could feel her warmth and smell her natural fragrance. He wanted all these things and he realized... None of them were what he desired walking out of the village.
What happened to his dream of joining the Akatsuki? What happened to his dream of building up a puppet army? What happened to his dream of returning to the village and retrieving the 3rd Kazekage's body to mold into his own weapon? He was a prodigy, he had planned everything out since the day of their breakup to prepare for his new future. He had set goals and dreams of what he wanted to achieve as his new self.
But none of those came to mind, at least, not while she stood before him.
And now he was asking himself the same question that boggled his mind since the minute Sakura appeared before him. Where are these feeling coming from?
2 weeks ago, it would have been understandable. But now... now he was...
To her, she couldn't possibly understand where he was coming from. What were his goals and desires? So much so, that he needed to leave the village to achieve them? Doing that would mark him as a missing nin, and sooner or later, he would be hunted down, never given the chance to sit and relax or even sleep in peace. This wasn't the Sasori she knew so well, but as he stood before her, cracking his same old smile, she realized he was still the same. He was just showing a side to him she had never seen before, and the quick transition slightly frightened her.
The laughter dried out. It returned to a deafening silence as Sasori mulled over his thoughts. It wasn't too late to turn back and forget this ever happened. But it also wasn't too late to just go for it.
It would end up being the same cycle. He would assume he belonged in Suna and go about his life again. Sakura would be by his side and probably a new born child. They would be living the life so many wished for, but then the darkness would come back. With a heart or without, it always manages to seep out and consume his being. It would eventually happen. He didn't belong here. He was messed up from the start, and there was no changing that.
He longed to make human puppets. He longed to make himself a human puppet.
Without thought, he shrugged off his coat.
"What are you doing?"
Ignoring her voice in the distance, he continued to remove his shirt.
"Sasori?"
He balanced his body off from the wall.
"...Sasori?" She took a couple steps back for precaution. How was he holding up?
Then came the mesh shirt.
"Sasori–" Her words were caught in her throat the minute she took a look at his chest.
On the majority of his upper left chest, lay a tube wedged into his flesh.
"See what I mean?" She barely caught onto his words, still frozen in shock. "I've always wanted to make human puppets. Myself, included. This is my first body modification, and it wont be my last. So please, stop trying to stop me. It's my destiny, my desire to seek out what I've been sent to this world to do. And it's definitely not here in this village."
"But you still care," She whispered, catching his attention. "On the outside you pretend you don't, but on the inside, I know you still care for me and this village! Turning your back on us now would be like giving up to the darkness! Stop it now, Sasori!"
"I have no feelings left! Just look at me!"
"I am looking, and I see Sasori, my lover. My best friend. THAT is who I see!"
"How can you still consider me as all those things? Where do these feelings you harbor for me come from?"
Sakura jabbed her thumb into the left side of her chest, "right here. In the heart. Just like you."
Sasori felt that jab. He looked down at his own chest and shook his head.
"Impossible," he whispered. "These feelings will go away in time. Just–"
"They may as well go away, but they'll never completely disapear. Just like the darkness in you."
"Exactly!" He exclaimed, grabbing hold of his hair in frustration. "The darkness will make me do all types of shit! I just don't care anymore, okay? It's been with me since birth and it won't ever completely disappear no matter how hard I try!"
"I'll help you rid of it!"
False promises. He knew she would try, but it just wouldn't be enough.
Sakura watched as he walked closer and closer...
And grabbed her in a choke hold.
His eyes demanded her attention. He needed her to listen well. He needed her understand where he was coming from.
"I'm dangerous, I'm nothing but a monster! Do you need me to demonstrate, or do you now get it?"
"I know you're not a monster, Sasori!"
His grip tightened. The fury in her eyes never dissipated.
She wrapped her own delicate hands around his much larger one.
"I'm nothing but an emotionless tool. I have no heart or soul. I am nothing."
"You were never one to talk down about yourself, Sasori." She scoffed, ignoring the growing inflicting pain on her neck. "You still feel, fake heart or not. It isn't the body parts that make you human... it's the ability to feel. And that's what you do best, Sasori. It's what makes you human."
She was thrown to the ground, gasping for air. She hadn't realized how badly she needed to breath.
"these emotions.. What I'm feeling towards you... They're merely illusions, are they not? If not, then explain this!"
Sakura held onto her bruised neck as she glanced up at his makeshift heart. "There may be a fake heart in place of my real one, but the gap in its place has become real, and there's nothing you can do to further help me because I've changed. I'm no longer the Sasori you can hold and trust with all your being. I've been a lone wolf from the start, and this village is nothing but trash to me now. There's nothing you nor the others can do to stop me from doing what I want. Get that through your thick skull!"
"Didn't you hear what I just said?! It's your feelings that determine whether you're human or not, the gap in your heart can be fixed if you give it a chance! Being alone from the start doesn't mean you can't develop relationships, so stop trying to throw everything away! We all deserve a second chance, so stop trying to hide your feelings. Feelings are what make us human and you are human!"
"If I'm human, then explain Kamushi's death."
Sakura took in a deep breath. "Kamushi..." she repeated hesitantly, "It was an accident. What does that have to do with–"
"Tell me what I did."
Sakura raised a questioning eyebrow. "Well, Kamushi needed another arm and you offered to make him a puppet arm. It came attached with weapons and sadly the poison attached to it seeped into his veins and he... died."
"What if I told you, it wasn't an accident? That it was just a cover up from the truth?"
Sakura's eyes widened. She opened her mouth to protest, but protest what? She wasn't there when it happened. Sasori had been at the tender age of 12 when he watched his own friend pass away before his very own eyes. It wasn't his fault, there was no way...
But then again...
She willed herself to ask, "how?"
"I killed him on purpose," he paused, "because the darkness told me to."
Now she would see, right? How much of a monster he was. How sick and demented he had been at such a young age. The darkness had formed the day he found out of his parents death, and lived on with him ever since. The day Kamushi came to him asking for another arm, the darkness told him to poison him. Poison him, then make him into his own human puppet. He hadn't been thinking straight, he just did it because he thought it was right. After Kamushi had passed away, Chiyo came and questioned him, obviously suspicious as to how he hadn't had the formula to save him. In truth, Sasori did have the formula. Of course, saving Kamushi wasn't part of the plan. Killing Chiyo wasn't part of the plan either, but the darkness kept telling him to do it that he almost did. That time though, he held himself back.
"Now do you see, Sakura?"
Sakura warily glanced back up at him. She was too shocked for words.
"I'm scum for killing my own friend. It'll happen again too, if I stay. It may be you next, hell, it could happen to my own child and I just... I wouldn't forgive myself."
Outraged, Sakura lifted herself up from the floor. Anger flashed across her face, an emotion Sasori least expected at that moment.
Sasori watched as she walked towards him and flinched as she cupped his cheeks in her hands. "I thought that motherfucker was gone, but I'll definitely get rid of it this time."
"Just give up, Sakura."
She shook her head wildly. "The darkness... You've lived with it for so long. I can't forgive it for ruining your life."
"Nothing can be done about it, just stop."
"No," She spat, "I won't!"
Sasori sighed, and Sakura felt the tears staining her face freeze up.
"I won't give up," she whispered, brushing his cheeks. "That not my ninja way. I won't let you carry this burden all by yourself! It's not fair, Sasori! Why you? Why did it have to be you..."
The sun rose halfway across the horizon. It was time to go.
Her heart beat quickened and her hands fell from his face in realization. He was adamant on leaving still. Nothing she said would change his mind. Not even if she were to get on her knees and beg... all her words would go over his head.
He pulled her close into a hug, and she cried into his shoulder without regret. They both held on for so long, knowing it would be their last.
This was how it was going to end, wasn't it? What happened to her confidence? Had she said something wrong?
As she mulled over all the "what if's" in her head, she hadn't noticed him release his hold on her and put his clothes back on. The warmth was gone. It felt so... cold.
He offered a small smile, walking back towards her. closer and closer...
And around her.
Sakura turned her head and was met with his descending back. Soon enough, he broke into a run.
She watched as his cape flapped in the air and his red hair glistened in the rising sun's light. He looked almost majestic in her watery eyes.
He ran into the abyss, nothing in his way other than the long travel he would be enduring to escape from the land of the Wind.
He looked... free.
Suna jounin would be after him soon, and Sakura decided to stick around, knowing walking back into the village with such a stale face would be a dead giveaway.
But maybe...
No. She couldn't tattletale. It was his life, and his own decisions that would play out his future.
But at the same time, she wished she had done something to make him stay.
Suddenly, more tears streamed down her face in realization.
He was doing this for her, wasn't he? He probably had other goals in mind, but now knowing the truth about Kamushi... she would be in danger. Or at least, in his mind.
She wiped the tears, a frown setting in between her eyebrows. Why did he never choose to think about his own self? All of this was for the darkness... Did he not have trust in Sakura to help make it go away?
No, he just didn't want to risk her getting hurt. Sakura also wanted to think he wanted to protect Chiyo and the rest of the village as well.
But alas, it was a lost battle. The darkness had won.
She smiled, allowing the tears to fall free this time. She watched him completely disappear into the horizon, softly whispering,
"Whenever you need me, I'll always be there."
Yes, that would her new driving force.
Unknown to her, Sasori was also reciting their promise, in his mind also deciding he would stick by it.
Maybe they weren't so far apart after all.
...
A/N: Just to let you know, this started out as a short ramble the night before my exam. I transported what I had so far to my computer because I thought it would be worth uploading :)
Sadly I had to rewrite a good majority of this because I lost the other half and it annoyed the heck out of me but I got through it. It's obviously not as good as the first time I wrote it out, but I'll live. Also, if you don't know who Kamushi is, he's Sasori's friend from when he was younger. And yes, that really is how he died. I suggest you watch the filler episode 319 for more insight. It's a pretty entertaining episode! Anywho, thanks for reading, favorite and drop a review to tell me how it was. :)
edit (2019): its been a couple years since I posted this story, so I decided to go back and edit it a bit. Nothing drastic though!