Nightmares had plagued her as a child. Visions of death, her death, would come to her in the middle of the night. She would thrash around, cry out but would awaken with tears streaming down her face in the arms of the one person who could comfort her. Gin Ichimaru, the boy who had saved her, who had given her a birthday, the one who had given her life a meaning, he would be the one to comfort her. They would grow up together, they would survive.
He would go off to the academy with a goal and a dream and she gladly followed him. He was her support system, her friend and comrade, he was the reason she kept going after every failed exam and drill. The need to stay close to him, the need to be around him pushed her forward till she was just a step behind the silver haired snake.
Nightmares never plagued her again until after his betrayal. Visions then were worse, darker now than when she was an innocent little girl. The realization of death; the deeds committed in the years since childhood had corrupted the twisted memories and made the terrors far more real than they ever had been before. Sake had been her only comfort then, no arms held her as she awoke alone in her apartment. Gin wasn't there; he wasn't there to run his fingers through her hair, comfort her with soft words and to hold her close to his thin frame. He wasn't there.
The morning had come in a gray haze of storm clouds. The soft pitter patter of rain on her window broke her slumber. Slender digits stirred from under her pillow knocking a sake bottle over as she stretched. The bottle rolled across her apartment floor, clinking against the opposite wall. She was awake. Her head pounded, another hangover the second one this week. Still, she had to get up, get to the office and hopefully crash on the couch there. That was at least better than not showing up at all. The rainy day did nothing to help her mood, or to quell the pounding at her temples. Her pace was slow, ragged as she dressed and readied herself to the best of her ability even with feeling as horrible as this.
The office wasn't any better, the harsh lights hummed overhead as she slumped effortlessly onto the couch, her head tucked into the crock of her arm. Thankfully, her taichou was not there at the moment to yell at her, now if only she had the effort to stand and flick off the lights then she could be at peace.
This hangover needed to pass, but the pounding would not allow her to drift off to sleep. She would have to suffer. Cloud blue optics vanished behind their lids as the ringing in her ears ceased for a moment. Peace would not last long. The chill that clung to the Tenth Division office seemed to wan, warmth of a bright sun seemingly began to tingle on her skin. Had she left a window open? Had the rain stopped? Eyes fluttered open as digits pressed down into…hard cement. Her vision blurred; the office then the roof top. She knew this roof top, she knew this day, this sight. Her stomach dropped and she felt as if she was going to be sick. This couldn't be, the cruelest nightmare would not plague her now, and it couldn't.
Cloud blue hues closed as finger clutched strawberry blond locks tightly, her breathing coming in short rugged breaths. Finally, she opened them. The couch was under her, she was in the office. She needed someone, anyone to be there with her, she couldn't sit in here alone should another vision like that one come to her. On shaky legs she stood, as she made her way to her desk, clutching the wood with dear life. Her head pounded once more and she felt a dull ache in her side. 'No.'
The vision entangled her this time, stronger than before; the present was gone and replaced with the past as she found herself no longer clutching the desk but the ledge of the building. He had been trying to protect her then, from either Aizen or from witnessing his failure. Perhaps, even both. Should he fail then, what would stop Aizen from killing her as well? She saw it, the blood; his blood. Her voice cried for him, her body reacting just as she had that day. She leapt to him, knowing that she wouldn't make it in time but tried with all her might regardless. She screamed again, tears streaming down her cheeks as she fell at his side.
Sky blue hues shut out the vision of his beaten and damaged body, the last ounces of life leaving him. As they opened once more she only saw the floor of the office, her body pressed against her desk. Paperwork littered all around her. She was shaking, trembling at the thoughts that were racing through her mind. Her optics glazed over as all the memories of their life together danced before her.
Cloud blue hues opened to see a boy standing over her. The smile he gave her. His fingers curled around hers as he pulled her through the woods to show her the shack he had discovered for the two of them. Him tossing the blanket over her shivering form.
"—Gin."
"I didn't count the days till I met you." September 29th. The crown of flowers he had crafted for her. The small trinkets he'd surprise her with. Their first kiss. How he held her hand.
"I'm going to become a Shinigami." The academy, the joy she felt when he told her of his seated position. The long nights of him distracting her as she tried to study. The kisses. The sake they shared. The caresses. The color of his eyes. The way he said her name. How effortlessly she'd whisper his name in her sleep. The nights they shared.
"—Gin."
Her promotion to fukutaichou. His elevation to taichou. The stolen moments around corners and after meetings. The forgotten paperwork. Hooky with one another. The protection he gave her. The teasing remarks about her taichou. The way he ran his fingers through her hair. Her necklace.
Aizen's death. The sickness she felt at how her taichou spoke of him. The beginning of the betrayal. The deceit. Drawing her blade against him. The wounds of that night. The last time she held him. "Goodbye." The sake she had used to drown her sorrow in. Hung over and alone. The smiles and the lies.
"—Gin."
"I'm fine. No really, I'm fine." She was never fine. Not after that. The worried looks her taichou gave her. The thought of seeing him again. The nightmares. More sake. The façade she had perfected. The war. The wound that had nearly killed her. The snake himself. Following him still. "You're in the way." Darkness. Death. Tears.
She was sobbing then, in the office, pressed against her desk, all alone. She would always be alone now. Never again would he hold her in his arms. Never again would she hear her name on his lips. Never again would she be able to utter his name, smile at him, touch him, see him, and speak with him. This was the realization of his death. This was the nightmare she'd never wake from.