Disclaimer: Characters are not mine, belong to NBC, Dick Wolf, etc. I'm not pretending to make money off this.
The last few days had been unusually grueling for Assistant District Attorney Alexandra Cabot. Her desk was covered in pastel colored folders, arranged according to the blonde's unique method of organized chaos. Gaps in her bookshelves pointed to the stacks of law books taking up space on her coffee table and visitor's chair. Some trash had uncharacteristically accumulated near the wastebasket; including coffee cups and take-out boxes. A layer of dust had settled over her office, which was especially noticeable on her desk lamp and coffee table. The space had an ambience of being abandoned by a person that once spent a great deal of time doing things of great importance.
The workload had been the same—she had been juggling the normal amount of cases her detectives had brought her. But each day seemed to drag on longer and seemed duller, they blurred together. If it weren't for her cell phone, she wouldn't know what day of the week it was. She wasn't overwhelmed; intellectually she was up to the task. But the job, and her existence, seemed to have lost some of its luster. Each day became a chore, beginning only to be completed.
She sat at her desk absentmindedly sipping at a coffee while she stared at the file containing SVU's most recent case. Once she made it halfway down the page, she realized she had no idea what she had just read so she re-read it, only to recognize that she was not absorbing a single word. Out of habit, a slender hand reached up, and with her palm facing her she used her middle finger to push up her glasses so they sat high on the bridge of her nose. She squinted her eyes and furrowed her brow, focusing all attention on the words in front of her. She got through one sentence before her mind emptied and the exercise became useless. She pursed her lips as she closed her eyes and sighed. She was worthless right now.
Alex loathed it when her head felt so empty yet full at the same time—like a heavy fog rolled in and pushed out all other thoughts or images, unwilling to allow any relevant, or enjoyable, information in. As a woman in control of her life, she hated that she could never figure out how to blow away the mind-deadening fog. She was at its mercy, able only to pray that it wouldn't last long.
Normally the lawyer could analyze what put her in a mood, good or bad. She could deduce what she needed to do to prolong her elation or to lift her spirits. She could tell if she was cross because of a lack of sleep, a bothersome detail in a case, a loss in the courtroom, or an unfortunate encounter with an acquaintance. But she could not penetrate the thick fog of nothingness that settled over her mind and soul from time to time. It was as if it could access a part of her that had never seen the light of day, and so could not be analyzed by her conscious self, making her her own worst enemy.
She opened her eyes and looked blankly at a spot across the room, vaguely noticing the dust floating in air that was illuminated by morning sunshine through the slatted blinds. She focused on the small particles, enamored by their wistful movements. Lost in the moment, she blew out a breath in front of her, wanting to see if she could impact the way the dust floated in the light. Delighted with the result, she repeated this exercise several times, when she heard a knock on the door in the middle of a big breath.
"Hey, Alex. I just wanted to… Is everything alright?" Detective Benson had opened the door just as Alex finished blowing a breath to nowhere and Olivia thought she might have finally cracked.
"Yeah, everything's fine. Just some breathing exercises," Alex readily lied, hoping the detective didn't see her pale face turn a shade of pink due to embarrassment.
Olivia nodded and came into the office, shutting the door behind her. She walked over to the desk holding out a cup of coffee.
"I know we've been keeping you busy lately, so I figured the least I could do was keep you energized," she gave a lop-sided grin, "You take it black, right?"
"Yeah, just black. Plain and simple." She was surprised the detective knew how she took her coffee; she didn't think anyone noticed. She took the cup, holding it with both hands, hoping that it's warmth would spread throughout her body and lift the fog.
A moment of silence passed between the two as Alex stared at the coffee.
"Uh, is it okay if I sit down?" Olivia asked, using her head to motion toward the visitor's chair.
"Yeah, of course," Alex responded. Olivia gave the blonde a questioning look as she bent down to pick up a stack of books.
"So, where should I put these?" The detective let out a small chuckle, realizing how pathetic it was that the funniest thing she'd heard all day was the thought of sitting on a stack of books that were sitting on a chair.
"The floor is fine. I think all other open space is filled." Alex shrugged her shoulders matter-of-factly while bringing the cup of coffee to her mouth.
Another moment of silence passed as the two studied each other.
"So, I haven't seen you down in the squad room for a while. How is everything?" Olivia asked Alex, concern obvious in her face.
Alex had thought the conversation might go something like this. She imagined the detectives in the squad room brainstorming as to why she hadn't graced them with her Ice Princess presence in a few days and then electing one of them to find out why. Electing isn't the right word, more like drawing the short straw. Alex liked coming up with these scenarios: she didn't want to get her hopes up and think her work colleagues actually cared. Things get so much more complicated when people start caring, even if that was what she wanted.
"Oh you know, it's been busy. You guys are good at your jobs." The blonde attempted a grin that to Olivia looked more like a smile with an identity crisis. Alex sighed and looked back down at her coffee. The detective didn't get her gold shield for nothing, and she used her deductive powers on the lawyer.
"Alex, look at me," the detective requested softly. The blonde looked up, straight into soft brown eyes and felt those eyes warm her like her coffee couldn't.
"I can tell something is bothering you," Olivia sat on the edge of the chair and leaned in, "You're not yourself, and when I look into your eyes I don't see the usual spark that's there. What's going on?"
Alex glanced down quickly, and then back up to Olivia. She sighed and put her coffee down, bent over her desk and used one hand to hold her head up while she extended the other in front of her, playing with the edge of a yellow legal pad.
"Well, you know, things just get kind of bogged down," she glanced back up at Olivia hoping her vague answer would suffice. Alex didn't know why she acted like this. She would like nothing more to have a genuine caring relationship with the detective, but she always kept herself guarded. Her analytical mind guessed it was because she was scared she would drive the detective away if she ever revealed anything personal. Who wants to start a relationship by unloading personal problems?
"What kind of things?" Olivia parried.
"Well, I don't know, you know, just stuff."
"Try to explain."
Alex blew out a breath. She didn't want to believe Olivia cared because she knew it would hurt too much when she would inevitably realize down the road that the detective didn't actually care, that she was just doing her job. Part of her didn't want to respond, to play into Olivia's need to comfort people, but a bigger part of her couldn't resist anymore and wanted to be comforted by the compassionate detective. Alex wanted to stop keeping Olivia at arm's length; she wanted to go out on a limb. She decided to be honest.
"That's just it, I can't explain it. I just don't know. I don't know. Every now and then I just get…like this. And believe me, I have tried and tried to figure it out. And I just can't. And I hate it. I hate—"
"Alex," Olivia interrupted the blonde's rant, "Hey, look at me." The brunette reached across the desk and took Alex's hand in her own, holding it tight. The blonde was surprised and looked at their hands before looking into Olivia's eyes.
"It's okay to not always know exactly what's going on," Olivia spoke softly as she continued the eye contact, "We're only human, we don't have all the answers. Don't drive yourself crazy trying to find them all. Besides, you already have all the answers as far as I'm concerned, and if you want to go looking for more I'll be right there with you." She gave a small reassuring smile and kept her hand over the blonde's, rubbing her thumb over the back of Alex's hand.
Alex looked down trying to reconcile Olivia's words with what she believed, and felt the fog start to lift. She looked back up, straight into Olivia's eyes, straight into her soul.
The detective had never seen a look like that on the lawyer's face. Her eyes no longer looked dead, they had turned into pools of deep and infinite blue, like a door had been opened and the furthest reaches of the blonde's soul had been revealed and were now pleading with Olivia, pleading for understanding and acceptance, and for something else Olivia couldn't quite place her finger on. Alex held Olivia's gaze, her vulnerable cerulean eyes betraying the amount of trust and concern she had for the older woman.
They stared at each other for a few moments, until Alex lowered her head and looked at their hands. She moved her hand so it covered Olivia's and she gave it a squeeze, holding it in place.
"Thank you, Olivia. Sometimes I need a reminder that I am not the master of the universe." Alex smiled, and this time it showed in her expression. Olivia returned the smile and placed her other hand on top of Alex's.
"Not a problem, Alex," the detective's face shifted gears to reflect her concern, "I hate seeing you so down. You know you can talk to me, right? About anything?"
Alex nodded. She enjoyed being with Olivia and believing that she cared. She was willing to run with it.
Olivia gave Alex's hand a final squeeze and sat back in the chair, "You okay?" she gently asked the attorney. Alex rested her chin on her hands and glanced around the room, like she was seeing it for the first time, assessing its contents, before her eyes settled on the detective.
"Yeah, I'm okay," she said with a tinge of optimism. Olivia gave Alex a beaming smile that blew the rest of the fog away.
"Alright, I should get back to the squad," Olivia said as she stood to leave, "I didn't tell anyone where I was off to. I'm kind of surprised they haven't called." She looked down at Alex as she stuffed her hands into to jacket pockets. "It was good seeing you Alex, and talking."
"Same here, Olivia."
"Alright, I'll see you around then," Olivia headed for the exit and put her hand on the doorknob.
"Liv," Olivia spun around upon hearing Alex calling her name, "Do you think we can go out for some coffee sometime?" The question hung in the air for a moment.
"Of course we can, I'd be honored. Call me," the detective flashed a lop-sided grin and was out the door.
The room seemed brighter to Alex and her head was lighter. She didn't anticipate the fog rolling back in anytime soon.