Vanilla Ice-cream
warning: this is a fic by Zennou, thus it contains swearing, silliness and perverted humour. Read at your own peril!
For once in what felt like a very long, very angry time, Craig was finally at peace with the world. Red Racer was on, his homework was done, there was no angry, bitchy girlfriend slamming on his door demanding he go shoe shopping or whatever, he didn't have to stop his friends from doing anything stupid and he wasn't in detention for flipping the principle off…again.
The dark-haired boy sighed in contentment, sinking lower back into his chair and shovelling another spoonful of ice-cream into his mouth. Yep, this was the life. If Cartman lived like this, he could understand how the fatass became the fatass. Not that he had any intention of going down that path; he liked having sex as a teenager.
The world was silent apart from the comforting hum of the TV screen. The ice cream felt cold and delicious in his mouth and the pillow on his ear felt warm and soft.
For the first time in what could be the history of South Park, all was calm and all was right.
Riing! Riiing!
The phone was ringing.
Riing! Riing!
Craig wasn't about to let whatever sadistic deity that ran the world ruin the tranquillity.
Riing! Riing!
He could ignore it.
Riing! Riing!
Well…he could have if he was a nun. Craig growled and glared at the very loud, very obnoxious phone.
Craig could have smashed the thing into bits for ruining the peace, but instead he gritted his teeth, picked up the receiver with white knuckles and put the wretched thing to his ear, dreading whatever might come next.
"Cr-craig! Are you there, man? You took a long time!" came a hysterical, high-pitched voice. Craig cringed. Tweek. He should have known.
"Did the aliens get you? I mean I saw this report on the TV yesterday and – aliens man! They send rays from their spaceships that make you dance and sing and then they shove something up your ass that goes 'beep beep beep' all day long! All day long man! Yaah!"
Craig had to hold the phone a distance from his ear, Tweek was screeching that loud into it.
"Tweek," he said calmly, "How many cups of coffee have you had before you made this phone call?"
"Twenty-six," he said and Craig glanced at the clock. It was ten am.
"Or was it twenty-seven? Oh god, don't put me in the spot like that," Tweek squeaked. Craig rolled his eyes.
"…I'm hanging up now," he said in a deadpan voice and went to put the receiver back. Tweek screamed 'No!' so loudly that his ears hurt and, with a silent flipping-off to whatever god was controlling his crap life, Craig put the receiver back to his ear.
"I need help, man!" Tweek screamed.
"I'm aware of that," he replied dryly, really becoming impatient with the whole thing. Tweek didn't seem to notice Craig's sarcastic comment or the obvious irritation in the other teenager's voice.
"Token's birthday present. I need you to help me buy for him, I don't know what to get," he said, his voice becoming calm. Well maybe calm wasn't the best word. It had gone from ear-breaking hysterics to hysterics that were safe for human ear drums to handle…which was pretty average on the Tweek-scale of things.
Craig had to take a second to take in that last bit of information. As he managed to absorb the stupidity of it all, Craig slapped his forehead and groaned, promptly knocking his ice-cream to a big vanilla mess on the floor. He made a mental note try and get somebody to clean that up later.
"Token's birthday isn't for three months, Tweek," Craig replied flatly.
"I know! But I've gotta get something! Once I left a present until it was only two months left and it was waay too much pressure! My dad had to overdose me on Ritalin to chill me out!"
Craig wondered dimly if this guy was capable of talking without abusing exclamation marks.
"Please man! Token is rich, he's got loads of stuff. If I pick it, he won't like it or he'll already have it. And he's black! Oh god, what if I get something that offends him? Remember Cartman's hate crime? I don't wanna get known for something like that! What if I get him something that's really offensive to black people by accident!? I'm not a racist! I don't want to be a racist!"
"Look man, I've had a hard week and I've finally got the house to myself to watch TV all morning and then jack off to my dad's porn all night. I'm not gonna waste any of that time helping you buy a present for your boyfriend –"
"I'm his boyfriend!? Crap! Why didn't I know, now I've gotta get him something good!"
Craig sighed. Okay, it would be cruel to let this panic-stricken creature loose in the mall when he was this disconnected with reality. He could imagine the headline. 'Caffiene addicted neurotic annoys the hell out of an entire mall of people. Craig blamed'.
"Alright, alright. But Token's not your boyfriend Tweek, just so you know."
"Oh thank god man. Thanks man. I'm outside your house right now."
"What the fu-"
Tweek hung up.
"What about this?"
"That's a 'queue starts here' sign, Tweek," Craig said wearily. The blonde boy tugged on his wild hair in frustration, pulling it out in clumps. With the kid's trichotillomania it was a miracle Tweek had any hair left. Maybe it was just lucky he had so much of it.
"So that's a no?" he said meekly.
"That's a definite no," Craig said, looking around. He wasn't even sure why they had ended up in a grocery store, but he had a feeling that unless Token had a deeply passionate secret lust for cabbages and tins of beans they weren't going to find much here for him.
"Aaargh. How do you buy for somebody so rich?" Tweek whimpered. Craig sighed for what felt like the seven billionth time on their shopping excursion and shrugged. Great, he had missed the entire Red Racer marathon and by the time he got home, Craig very much believed he'd be in too much of a bad mood to masturbate. He sent silent apologies to his young soldier and mutely saluted him for his patience.
"What are you doing?"
Craig slowly looked up to stare into the face of a very freaked-out Tweek.
"…nothing," Craig replied dimly, realising that Tweek had seen him saluting his own crotch.
Tweek stared uncertainly at him and Craig gave him a venomous glare in return until the shaky boy lost his nerve and looked away.
"Right, let's go. We're not going to find anything here anyway…it's all shit!" Craig promptly decided, tugging at Tweek's arm and dragging him out of the grocery shop despite the boy's nervous witterings of 'noo! What if we missed something good! I've only checked the frozen Thai curry section eight times!'.
"Hey," Craig said, coming to a stop and releasing the skinny boy's arm, but sticking close in case the idiot decided to run off to check the grocery store again, "There's Cartman."
"Huh!?" Tweek squealed.
And indeed it was. Cartman, South Park's most infamous fatass and Nazi sociopath, seemed nervous and antsy, had a baseball bat in his hand for no discernible reason, and tugged an absolutely huge orange plastic bag behind him, apparently struggling with the weight. It was almost as big as his ass, if that gives you any insight into its size.
"Probably got a body in there or something," Craig mumbled, giving the fat bastard a look of pure loathing, "C'mon Twee-"
He paused mid-sentence. Tweek had rushed over to Cartrman. Craig could only gape – Tweek was usually pretty terrified of Cartman, which was understandable for a wimp like Tweek since the obese fatsard spent most of his time finding ways to make other peoples' lives a torrent of misery and pain.
Concern over whether or not Cartman would sit on the boy and break his ribs took over Craig's very powerful urge to just go home and crawl into bed, and he ran over to where Tweek stood yammering on to Cartman, who still looked suspicious and uneasy.
"Okay, okay, so I guess what I'm trying to ask is – " Tweek paused for a huge inhale – "WhatwouldyougetTokenforhisbirthdayandwhatwouldyounevergethiminyourlifedon'thurtmeaargh!"
Cartman blinked stupidly.
"What the hell did he just say?" he asked, looking at Craig. Great, now he was involved in this stupidity. Good going Craig, you could have went home but no. You had to be a good guy. Nice going, you might as well stamp 'moron' on your forehead and be done with it.
"He asked what you'd get Token for his birthday," Craig said slowly, as if talking to somebody incredibly stupid, which he was, all things considered, "And what you'd never ever get him."
"That black asshole?" Cartman said thoughtfully, "…I'd get him a kick in the nuts."
"Okay, so we're not getting him a kick in the nuts then Craig," Tweek said.
'We?' thought Craig irritably, 'Don't make it sound like I wanted to help you with this crap.'
"And I'd never get him…uhm…"
Tweek stared expectantly and Craig had to admit, it wasn't that bad an idea. Whatever Cartman said not to get would probably be the perfect present. While still pretty stupid asking Cartman his opinion about anything, it was still a pretty good idea for Tweek.
"I'd never get him…a sandcastle," Cartman declared, folding his arms and nodding sagely.
Craig stared. He decided that if anybody ever offered a day-trip inside Cartman's deranged head, he would never ever take it in a million years.
"A sandcastle! A sandcastle!" Tweek screeched and then turned to face Craig, shaking the shorter boy by the shoulders, "That's it! We gotta get him a sandcastle!"
Craig irritably shoved the gangly boy off him, deciding not to take the cruise inside Tweek's head either. Tweek was almost as insane as Cartman when he was under this much stress. Well, when he was under this much stress he'd imagined for himself.
"Right, so if you fags are done, screw you guys I'm going ho-"
"Wait, what's in the bag?" Craig asked, looking curiously at the bag. He had seen that shade of orange somewhere before, as bizarre a thing as that was to say. There were no markings of it, but he'd seen a bag like that before…
Suddenly it clicked.
"Haha, you've been buying porn, Cartman!" he said with a grin as Cartman's face burned with embarrassment.
"No I haven't ya dipshit!" he whined. Craig made a grab for the bag but Cartman pulled it away.
"Yeah you have, and you've been buying lots of it! The bag's from that dirty video store Mrs Garrison opened, Poontang or whatever. Now for the question I've been dying to see the answer to, is it men or women, Cartman? Is it men or women? This question's plagued South Park since you were nine years old," Craig mocked, making another grab for the bag.
"I'm not gay, asshole!" Cartman screeched. As Craig and Cartman engaged in a battle for the mysterious orange bag, Tweek watched in bemusement, his mind half on where he could buy sandcastles and his mind half still in panic mode.
"What'd you think Tweek? Is Cartman gay or what?" Craig asked, thoroughly enjoying himself now he had somebody to annoy, rather than the other way around.
Finally, victory was in Craig's hands as he grabbed the bag and pushed Cartman aside. The boy wasn't strong, but Craig knew how powerful a really fat ass could be in a fight, so he opened the bag quickly.
"Haha, Tweek, stop being a comatose and come look at this!" he said, "He's bought loads of the same. Haha. '10 Things I'd Lick About You' starring Liane Ca –"
Dead silence.
"What the fuck, Cartman? Urgh. Dude, I knew you were sick but your own mother, what the hell is the matter with you?"
"Dude, it's not like I was gonna watch them. I was gonna burn them! It was Kahl. He did this to make ma mom like a whore!" Cartman retorted.
Craig shook his head – if it were anybody else, he'd think that they were making it up to cover a serious oedipal complex. But this was Cartman, if anything he said sounded too normal it was more likely he was lying. It was all fine and well living in denial of that as an eight year old, but when he was fifteen and still thought it some sort of national conspiracy that quite a number of his male peers had slept with his mom, it was getting pretty pathetic.
"Yes Cartman. Kyle made a porno with a fake version of your mom in and then made like a million copies of it, put them on the shelves in a porn store," he said in the most sarcastic voice he could manage, "It's all a conspiracy run by Kyle."
Cartman nodded enthusiastically.
"Right! Now I'm seriously, you gotta help me get rid of these or – shit!" he said, let go of the bag and, without warning, sprinted as fat as his chunky legs would allow in the opposite direction.
"Get back here you brat! You can't just steal – urgh – ow my goddamned leg!" a security guard yelled, running with a bit of a limp after the boy. It looked like Cartman had taken it upon himself to beat the hell out of the guard.
"Ooow," he groaned and then turned on the two other boys and pointed an accusing finger, "You!"
Craig rose an eyebrow cynically at the man, who seemed very out of shape for a security guard. A little jaded voice in his mind pondered on whether he'd just rounded on the nearby boys because it was easier than catching the other one.
"You two! Have you got anything to do with that boy!"
"Yaaa!" Tweek yelled pathetically.
"Ha! A guilty conscience, eh? I guess we'll ta – did you just flip me off?"
"No," Craig answered automatically.
"You just did it again!"
"Did I?" he replied.
"Yes, you disrespectful little –"
"Yaaa!"
"Shut up! And stop that!"
"Stop what?"
"Stop flipping me off!"
"I'm not flipping you off," Craig said with a serene smiled as he continued to indeed flip the security guard off. The man's pudgy face was beetroot red with rage and he seized both boys by the shoulder, at which point Tweek screamed bloody murder.
"No! I don't want to be molested! Get off, you'll touch me in wrong places!" he screeched. At that point, other customers start glaring at the security guard and he released his grip, holding up his hands defensively to the other customers.
"Cheese it, Tweek!" Craig commanded and ran off, orange bag in tow. The two boys ran off with their treasure of many, many porn DVDs as the security guard pathetically attempted to give chase.
"That pervert's going after him!"
"Get him!"
"No, I'm the security guard!"
"RABBLERABBLERABBLE!"
"Argh!"
Craig almost felt sorry for him as they dashed out the door and round the corner, coming to an exhausted stop to catch their breath.
"Oh man…oh man…" Tweek panted, looking significantly paler and shakier.
"That too much pressure?" Craig asked wryly. The blonde boy nodded wearily.
"Well," Craig said as her produced one DVD from the bag, "We got Token's birthday present."
"B-but that's an NC-17!" he said, as if he had never heard anything so filthy or terrible in his life, "It's illegal for him to even watch that! He could get arrested and it'd be our fault…I couldn't deal with that guilt, man!"
Craig tutted and rolled his eyes, looking at the DVD.
"He'd love this, dude," he said as a wicked grin spread across his face, "Hell…everybody would love it…I think we should get all the kids an early birthday present, Tweek."
Tweek looked like he was about to faint.
"Hey you guys," Cartman greeted in his normal way - glaring and shoving Kyle out the way so he could be closer to the bus stop.
Kyle, Kenny and Stan exchanged a weird look and instantly began sniggering.
"What the hell's the matter with you fags this morning?" he said, narrowing his eyes suspiciously.
"Nothing Cartman," Kyle said, smiling.
Cartman glared. Mr Sandbox-Vagina was smiling. That meant something was definitely up.
"What are you smilin' at, Jew?" he growled suspiciously.
"Nothing Cartman," Kyle repeated, that same smug smile fixed on his freckled face. It was very unnerving.
"Seriously, you guys!" he hissed.
"Chill out Cartman," Kyle said, still goddamn smiling (it was really starting to piss him off now), as the other two broke out into hysterical, half-stifled giggles.
"What's so fuckin' –"
He was interrupted as the bus stopped in front of them and the other three boarded on.
"Coming Cartman?" Kyle asked. Cartman had seen that smile before. It was that expression he had when he had won. Cartman hadn't even seen the stupid Jew all weekend, what had happened? Was there some huge exam that he was gonna fail today? Had there been a party and he hadn't been invited? Had Kyle lost his virginity before him? A maelstrom of possible, horrible opportunities raged in Cartman's paranoid mind as he grunted and followed Kyle and the others onto the bus.
As he entered the bus, everybody broke out into giggles. Even the goddamn bus driver! What was going on?
Swallowing nervously, he pointedly took a seat away from where he usually sat in case there was some horrible prank waiting for him there. The giggling continued and Cartman thought he was going to explode.
And he did.
"What the fucking hell are you assholes giggling abou-"
"Hey Cartman," said a voice suddenly and Cartman saw that Bebe had randomly came over. He blinked in confusion, looking at her suspiciously.
"What do you want, bitch?" he asked snappily.
"I just thought I'd come over and say that despite the fact I don't swing that way…"
Alarm bells started clanging in Cartman's head and he looked over Bebe's shoulder to where Craig sat, smirking. His eyes widened in horror.
"I did quite enjoy your mom's work. Give her my compliments," Bebe finished, smiling.
"You asshole!" he screeched at Craig. Craig burst into raucous laughter and the rest of the bus joined.
"E-Eric?" a tiny, stammering voice said. Cartman looked over to see a timid blonde head peeking over the back of his chair. Butters looked confused, Cartman noted. At least he either didn't see the stupid thing or didn't get it, which was quite possible for Butters. This was relieving at least.
"What?"
"Your mom's pretty hot."
At this, the bus broke into further hysterics and Cartman turned back in his seat, slumping and sulking.
"I hate you guys…"
Author's Notes: That was kinda bizarre. It started out as this little idea I had for Tweek to drag Craig shopping for some stupid, Tweek-y reason and I didn't extend it past that. I thought that they could maybe do that skit where they get lost or end up getting in trouble for something ridiculous, but this is what happened instead. Haha, I think I like this ending anyway, it's a bit more original even if it does tie in to the story kinda weird. Yeah and the title 'Vanilla Ice Cream' I picked because Craig spilled vanilla ice-cream and I'm sure lots of people spilled something that looked like that before the end xP