A/N:I don't own RENT, Flawless, or the song 'She's Not You'. My next Flawless story is ready to post, but for some reason hates me isnt cooperating with me xD
(Anything in bold is part of Collins' letter to Angel)
--
Collins tapped his pencil against his temple. He didn't have a clue how this letter was supposed to help, but his friend from Life Support said it would make him feel better.
He sighed. Angel could never read it, so he didn't see the point. Nevertheless, he put the lead to the paper. Maybe it would help.
--
Collins walked into the bar, staying along the wall. He found an empty table and seated himself, not surprised he'd walked directly to the farthest corner. He needed to be away from the apartment. From the haunting memories of his late lover.
His eyes traveled over the small wooden floor covered with dancers. He thought he should get out and about, but this was basically as out and about as he got nowadays. He and Angel had been to every bar in the city. They'd painted the town red. They'd done everything.
And that's why it hurt. She was gone, but her essence was everywhere. It was impossible for him to go somewhere they hadn't. He gave up searching for a new place, and settled for one of their old regular hot spots. God he missed his Angel.
And that's when he saw her.
He swore he'd seen his lover between the heads of two men. He stood up quickly, knocking over a drink he didn't remember ordering. He weaved in and out through the mass of bodies. He thought he saw her to his left, then right. Soon he was starting to think that forgotten drink was getting to him.
But then she was in front him, hardly two yards away. He pushed forward, put his hand on her shoulder, spun her around.
It was…someone else.
"Whoa," beamed the stranger. They had been drinking, consequently swaying in place. Their eyes took a moment to focus on him. "Hi honey, who are you?"
Collins couldn't believe it. Standing before him was a drag queen that looked exactly like his Angel. Head to toe. She had a thin, slender body covered in the brightest of colors, and impossibly high heels. Except her eyes. Her unnaturally bright blue eyes which were home to two colored contacts.
Her hair is soft and her eyes are oh so blue
She's all the things a girl should be,
But she's not you.
"Collins," he managed. "Tom. Tom Collins."
"Well Tom Collins, it's nice to meet you." She giggled, grabbed a fruity little drink off a random table, sipped it, then stuck out her hand. "Cha-Cha," she announced.
Finding her was such a shock to his system he wanted to run. He had had enough tonight, and was ready to turn in.
"Do you wanna dance?" the drag queen asked. No, he didn't.
"Sure."
She beamed and took his hand, leading him to an open spot on the floor. Collins smiled, though a little uncomfortable. It felt good to have fun, but every time he looked at her he didn't really see her.
Soon he found he didn't want to fight it. So what if it wasn't real? It wasn't a dream either. He decided he'd let himself have one more night with Angel.
And when we're dancing
It almost feels the same
I've got to stop myself from
Whisp'ring your name
A few hours late, his goodbye was turning into a see you later. The next nights drink lead to another nights dinner. A movie. A play.
He couldn't get enough of her. His dull senses were awakened, his spirit lifted.
His conscience, on the other hand…He felt like a fool. He was using her, and he hated himself for it. He felt he owed it to her to tell the truth. But how? What would he say? "Last month you looked so much like my dead girlfriend I had to talk to you and when I'm with you I feel like I've got her back." He had a feeling that wouldn't go over well.
There was a knock on his door, and he shook his head to clear his mind. Opening it, he found Cha-Cha in the doorway.
"Hi baby!" she beamed.
"Hey, come in."
Cha-Cha bounced in, heading straight for the couch. She plopped down, snuggling into the corner made by the back of the couch and the arm rest. Collins sat on the other side, pulling her feet into his lap and massaging them gently.
"Mmm," she purred. She smiled at him, but it faded when she noticed how quiet he was. "What's the matter, honey?"
"Cha-Cha, something's been eating at me for awhile. I don't really know how to say it."
She forced a weak laugh. "Should I be nervous?"
He thought so. "Well I don't know exactly. You see, here it is…"
Collins told her, in the best way he could, how he felt. He didn't confess, however, that he had for the first week practically convinced himself Angel was back. He'd known that was wrong. Even sick. He talked his mind out of that in a hurry.
She took it a lot better than he'd thought. He had assumed she'd feel angry. Insulted. Used. Instead she seemed to feel for him. Understood, or tried to understand, what he'd been going through.
"I admit it's a bit on the scary side, at first," she said nervously. "But I'm trying to see where you were coming from." He was grateful.
She scooted over, climbing into his lap. "She looked just like me?" Collins nodded. Cha-Cha winked. "She sounds hot."
Collins laughed and pulled her closer to him.
She knows just how to make me laugh when I feel blue
She's ev'rything a man could want
But she's not you.
--
It had come as quite a shock. Her question. He hadn't planned on this happening.
"Live together?" he asked, getting up from her couch. He knew he didn't look thrilled, but as hard as he tried he couldn't will his features into a mask of any emotion.
"Why not honey? We've been together for a while…"
"What's wrong with the way things are now?" His breathing began to quicken.
"Nothing baby, but I just thought that with all the work you do at home, if you were here I could see you more…"
"A quiet apartment is easiest to grade papers in." A pathetic excuse, he knew.
Her eyes widened. "Well it's not like I'll be parading around or anything, honey." She softened. "Just having you in the same room would make me happy."
Collins paused. "I don't think so, Cha-Cha. I'm not…I don't think I'm ready for anything more. I don't think I was really ready for any of this." He was at a loss for words. "I'm sorry." He slowly headed for the door. The drag queen crossed her arms.
"Because of Angel?" Cha-Cha asked, walking after him. "Do you know how hard it is to compete with someone who's not even here?" She unfolded her arms, one hand catching him and trying to pull him to a stop. "Collins, I know you don't want to let her go, and I'm not asking you to, I'm not trying to replace her, I just want you to let me in."
What did she know about it? He was nearing the front room.
"Live with me," Cha-Cha pleaded. He stopped and turned around, so abruptly the drag queen almost ran into him.
"I don't know if I could…she had only been gone six months when I found you...I don't think I could live with someone."
"I'm good enough to party and play with, but not good enough to be loved?"
"That's not what I meant," Collins said quickly.
"Yes it was." Cha-Cha's eyes were sad and knowing. "I'll never be good enough will I? No one will. After her." She kind of smiled. A pained smile, hiding what was running through her mind. Her eyes began to water.
Collins didn't know what to say. He hated seeing her cry, she looked so much like his Angel when she did. It had always killed him when Angel cried. Panicking he turned on his heel, running away from the problem was all he could think to do.
The drag queen grabbed his sleeve. "I don't care," Cha-Cha said, voice cracking. Her fingers curled around the fabric, knuckles whitening from her intense grip. "I-don't-care-I-don't-care-I-don't-care."
Collins throat tightened as he watched few tears slip out of her eyes. "What?"
"I don't care if you love her more. I don't care if I'm second best, as long as I'm at least something to you."
He was shocked. "You don't mean that."
"I do!" she cried.
"I wouldn't do that to you, Cha-Cha. Hell, look what I've done already. You need someone who isn't living in the past-"
"I just need you!"
"-somebody who can give you what you deserve."
"I'll take what I can get!"
He opened his mouth, but he was running out of things say.
"It…it just wouldn't be fair to you."
"It wouldn't be fair to just leave me now, either." Her grip was weakening, as were her knees. She leaned into him, eyes desperately pleading her case. Collins looked away. Cha-Cha placed a delicate hand on his cheek, urging him to look at her. If he was going to really say goodbye, he was going to look her in the eyes. But then she saw his own eyes changing, his brow furrowing as he thought.
"I…I can't promise you anything."
"I'm not asking you to," she said, eyes brightening with hope. He shifted nervously. "You're staying, then?" she breathed. Collins was afraid his voice would fail him, so he simply nodded. Cha-Cha wrapped her arms around him, eyes letting out a few tears of joy.
She took a step back after a moment, trying to calm herself down. She took a deep breath. "We'll take it slow, okay? Forget the moving in idea, if you want to keep your apartment I-"
"Let's give it a week," he said, voice still a little rough. "If that works out, a month. See how I do. How we do."
Cha-Cha laughed, embracing him again. She stood on her toes to give him a kiss, then leaned back to look in his eyes. "I love you."
Collins knew it would mean the world to her if she could hear him say the same. He hated how he couldn't bring himself to repeat those three little words. "I'm trying," is all he could manage.
"Good enough for me," she smiled, and kissed him again.
She even kisses me like you used to do
And it's just breaking my heart
'Cause she's not you.
--Collins