IMPORTANT A/N: TRIGGER WARNING for mentions of attempted suicide. Please don't read if this is going to effect you in anyway.
Song-fic based on the song 'Breathe' By He Is We. I suggest maybe listening to it before / after you've read the fic of during if you want to.
[Lyrics now removed from main body of fic due to guidelines]
''Beca, please. Just for once, for tonight let your heart take control.'' Chloe said quietly, looking down at Beca who was laid against her chest comfortably. The two of them in Beca's room in the Bella house, Fat Amy being out for the night with the rest of the group to give the two some 'Alone time' as they had put it.
''I just-'' Beca sighed, she wasn't even sure what she wanted to say. Trying to process her thoughts and put them into words was never something that she had been good at and it always ended with this, lost in her head and doubting every part of their relationship together. It always happened somehow, everything would be going great until she started thinking and her mind, her mind was a dark place. A constant internal battle between reality and perception. The redhead could practically hear the clogs turning in the brunettes mind, she knew all too well what was happening.
''Don't think.'' Chloe whispered, now only millimetres away from Beca's ear. ''Don't think about it Beca, just let your heart do what it wants.''
''Do you think I'm emotionally stunted babe?'' Beca sighed, turning from her position at the foot of her bed in front of her girlfriend to walk and stand in front of the full length mirror.
''What? No. You may not be as open as others but you're not emotionally stunted.'' Chloe frowned, quickly standing from the bed to close the distance between the two as she came up behind the shorter brunette to wrap her arms softly around her waist. ''What happened to your self esteem?'' Chloe tried to joke, resting her head on top of Beca's.
''It's gone, I'm beginning to doubt if I ever had one.'' Beca muttered, looking down to avoid meeting the piercing blue eyes that she could get lost in for hours. ''If I did have one, I lost it years ago when dad left. They fought over me you know? It's my fault they split up.''
''I'm sure that's not true Beca and you're not emotionally stunted Becs, I promise.'' The redhead added sadly, knowing that her girlfriend was being entirely serious about the conversation they were having.
''I'm so done with this.''
''With what Beca?'' Chloe asked, the concern evident in her voice as Beca refused to look up at meet her eyes in the mirror.
''I'm so done with everything, I just want all the doubts and hesitation to end.''
''I don't know what to do Aubrey. I mean she seems fine but she's not...'' Chloe cried down the phone, sitting up from her position on Beca's bed as she waited for the brunette to return from her shower. ''I just want to help her in some way but I don't know how.'' Chloe froze at the sound of the door shutting, looking up to see Beca stood in front of her dressed in clean clothes and her wet hair tied up in a bun. ''I gotta go Bree.'' She whispered, hanging up before looking at her girlfriends lost look. ''Beca.'' She breathed.
''You know Chloe.'' Beca started, not sure where this sudden serge of emotion had come from but she was done with pretending. Done with going around faking smiles, pretending to be happy around anyone but her. No one ever noticed, she faked it all too well for people she thought were close to her to pick up on what she was really feeling. She was the only one who saw past it but even she struggled to know what was real sometimes. She had years of practice at pretending everything was fine, at not sharing with others but she was tired. It had been building up for far too long now and it was suffocating her. ''You keep asking others how you can help me, but you never actually ask me.''
''What do you need baby? How can I help?'' Chloe said jumping to her feet at the statement, this was it. She was finally talking to her, not pretending.
''I just want to...'' Beca sighed ''I want to be able to stop this, stop bottling everything up inside of me and talk to you, to anyone. I can't take it any more, I'm so fucking done.'' The brunette said. Watching the girl tugging on her hair stressfully was all it took for Chloe to cross the room and take her hands in her own, knowing all too well that the brunette was trying her hardest not to cry. ''It's all too much Chloe, I'm sorry I can't do this. I feel like I'm drowning and I can't breathe and that's all I really want to do... to save myself. I just need to breathe.''
The stray tear that trickled down her cheek was anything but comforting, yes she was talking to her. But the way she spoke, it was the furthest thing from good. How do you help someone breathe when their lungs are like concrete.
''Beca you're not listening to me!'' Chloe finally snapped, turning on the brunette who was sat idly on the bedroom floor whilst the redhead paced back and forth. ''I'm trying to help you Beca.. Please.'' Her voice instantly softened as she dropped to her knees in front of the girl who finally looked up with a sigh. ''Why won't you let me help you?''
''Because I'm scared, scared that you'll be just like everyone else Chloe.'' The vulnerability in her voice was heart breaking, she knew that Beca had been burned before but no matter how much she tried to tell her she wasn't like that, the message just wasn't getting through.
''I'm not going to leave you Beca, no matter how much you push me away. I'm here for you.'' Chloe said firmly, moving to sit properly in front of the girl to prove her point. She would sit here and mope with the brunette as long as she had to, she would try and try and try. She wasn't giving up.
''That's what they all say. They're all so interested at first, attracted to the dark mysterious Beca.'' She stated, making quotation marks in the air as she spoke. ''It's like a game to them, trying to figure me out like I'm some sort of puzzle. To the one's that even try to get that far that is, no one cares after a while. They give up with investing all their time into trying to work me out, to try and fix me. I'm too much for them, for you. I should just wear a sign around my neck that says 'Beware, pain and suffering within. See how many people would try then.'' Beca pushed off the floor and walked over to the door. ''I'm not something that can be solved like some damn game.'' She whispered, taking one last look at the frozen redhead before she walked out with a disappointed shake of the head.
''I would still try...'' But the mumble was too late, she was already gone and her message went unheard.
''Beca!?''
The scream that escaped her lips shook the whole house as Chloe crashed into the room. The text she had received wasn't encouraging. A simple, I'm So Sorry Chloe. Nothing else, no explanation just an apology. The bad feeling in her stomach set her on edge as she quickly left her class and sprinted home, desperately asking the other Bella's who were lounged around downstairs if Beca was home. Of course they didn't know, no one ever did. But of course the feeling was right and she nearly broke down all together at the sight in front of her but she couldn't, not now. She had to save her.
Falling to her knees Chloe grabbed her phone from her pocket, her hands barely managing to dial 911 through the harsh trembling of her limbs. A pulse, there had to be a pulse. That was the first thing she reached for as the phone rang, reaching for her wrist and pressing two fingers down. It was there, it was faint but it was there.
''911, What's your emergency?'' The calm voice snapped her out from the daze she was stuck in as she stared at the empty bottle of vodka and empty packets of pain killers littering the floor beside her small frame.
''My girlfriend- I. She tried to kill herself.'' Chloe sobbed into the phone, unaware of the crowd that was building behind her.
''Ma'am, what is your location?''
''B-Barden University Campus, The Bella's House.'' Chloe cried, shaking the brunette desperately to try and get her to wake.
''Help is on the way, can you stay on the line Ma'am.''
''I don't think she's breathing. Why isn't she breathing!?'' Chloe shouted, not reacting when she felt the phone being taken from her hand by Stacie who started talking to the worker on the other end of the receiver. ''Why isn't she breathing.'' Chloe repeated quieter, taking in the brunettes appearance once again. The pale skin, blue lips. Oh god, she looked so innocent just laid there, she looked peaceful. She hadn't been peaceful in a long time. ''Beca please.'' Chloe sobbed, desperately clinging to the girls body, even as Cynthia Rose stepped in to try and give CPR. She had to be alive, this couldn't be it. Checking her pulse again, the redhead choked on her sob, it was still there but it wasn't reassuring at all, it was fainter and slowly dying out.
Time passed in a blur, Chloe was in a complete daze. She wasn't even aware of what was happening as she felt herself being lifted away by strong arms as paramedics quickly lifted Beca onto a stretcher after applying an oxygen mask and injecting something into her arm. ''Get off me!'' She screamed, desperately reaching for the brunette as they started to remove her from the room.
''Short stack's going to be fine Chloe.'' Fat Amy, it was Fat Amy who was holding her back and that was the last thing she remembered as she slipped unconscious.
The steady rise and fall of her chest was comforting. She was breathing, she was alive. The heart monitor was there as reassurance, the steady beeping of the machine reminding Chloe that she was alive. She had tried to end it all, to take herself away. She wanted to breathe but was stopping herself from doing that the moment she swallowed those pills. This was breathing, she was alive. And safe, for now. There was no way Chloe was going to let the girl go, she could get through this. She's stronger than she realised.
''Hey there...'' Chloe said slowly as she watched Beca's eyes flutter open two days later. She had been asleep ever since, her stomach having being pumped to try and get rid of as much of the mixture of pills and alcohol in her system as possible. She was almost too late, only a few minutes later and she could have died. That's what the doctor had told her once they had stabilised her condition but it didn't make her feel any better. It didn't change what had happened.
The redhead watched slowly at the panic that flashed across the brunettes face as she took in her surroundings before it suddenly hit her, she was in hospital and very much alive. The girl instantly reached to pull the IV out of her arm but Chloe was quick to react, resting her hand over the girls to stop her from hurting herself any more.
''You don't want to do that Beca.'' Chloe said sadly, watching as the girl opened her mouth to try and speak. ''Here, this will help.'' Chloe quickly reached for the water by her beside, holding the straw to the girls mouth to allow her to drink.
''Thanks...'' She mumbled, her voice was raw and her throat dry.
Silence. That was all that followed, neither of the two daring to be the first to speak. They both knew that they would have to talk about it eventually but for right now they were content just sitting, Beca's hand wrapped tightly in Chloe's as they breathed. Alive.
4 hours, 36 minutes and 28 seconds. That's how long it took for Chloe to finally crack and speak up, it was comforting just being together in the room but she couldn't wait any longer. She had to speak, now.
''Beca, I don't want to overwhelm you but if I just speak for a moment can you just listen?'' Chloe asked, looking sheepishly at the still slightly disorientated brunette. ''No interruptions just me, talking. Can you do that for me?'' Beca just stared blankly at the girl for a moment, taking in the tried expression on her face and puffy red eyes. She was trying to end her pain, not cause somebody else's.
''Okay.'' Beca agreed, trying to keep the worried expression off her own face as her girlfriend - if she was even still that - Started to speak.
''I can't say I know why you did it, although I feel like I have a pretty good idea at why.'' Chloe started, taking a deep breath to prepare herself for what she was going to say next, if she was being honest. She didn't know what to say, she just knew she had to say something, to at least try to get Beca to understand.
''I know you think no one cares, that everyone is only going to leave you and I see where you're coming from. But to start with I'm still not going anywhere, this doesn't change anything. I'm going to be here for you through it all. You keep saying you need space to breathe, and although I'm not entirely sure what you mean by this I know you will get there. We're all here to help, me the Bella's. We thought you were going to die- finding you on your bedroom floor so lifeless and still. Fuck Beca, I thought you were already dead. You were barely breathing, in some sick twisted way it's almost ironic. You keep saying you want to breathe but you were doing any but that, you were barely hanging on by a thread.'' Chloe paused for a moment, gathering her thoughts.
''I haven't left your side since they let us in to see you, the Bella's have been visiting constantly. Talking to you, apologising over and over again for not noticing what was going on and that gave me time to think. This isn't you Beca, this current situation that you are in isn't your final destination. If you want to try, you have so much further to go. There's a whole journey waiting for you to go on before you reach your destination. This isn't how Beca Mitchell is meant to go, she has dreams. Dreams to go to LA and produce music, dreams that are waiting for you on this journey. And I'm sorry- I don't want to get mad at you Beca but you tried a permanent solution to what could be a temporary problem. I just- I don't know what to say to try and help you, I want to be able to understand Beca. I love you so much it hurts, I'm here with you every step of the way, I can't lose you. No one want's to lose you. You deserve the world Beca and I want to give it to you but I just don't understand-''
''Chloe.'' Beca finally cut the girl off, not being able to listen to her any more if she wanted to hold it together. ''I know you said no interruptions but please.'' She added, watching as the girl went to carry on talking.
''I'm Sorry... I thought it was the easiest thing to do. I'm a coward, it seemed like the only way to do something but it wasn't. It took a while for it to all kick in you know, and when it did I realised that it wasn't what I wanted to do. I said I felt like I was drowning before but shit, when it started to hit me it was something else. That was worse then anything else I had experienced. I'm sorry that I hurt you and the others. I want to get better Chloe, I really do. I swear I want to get past this and get better.'' Beca paused for a moment, thinking over what she had just said and if it had made any sense.
''I just want to breathe.'' That was all it took for the brunette to crack and the sobs to overtake the girl as she shook, only pulling Chloe closer and down onto the bed next to her when she moved to try and comfort her. They were almost back to the beginning, Beca laid into Chloe's side with her arms wrapped protectively around her. Things were going to be different this time round. They were both now sure of it, she realised it now. She wasn't alone in battling herself, she had Chloe and a whole group of people who were there by her side, ready to fight with her and to do what they could.
As long as she was alive, she had the supprt. All she had to do was keep breathing
Let me breathe.