When you were a part of the Scouting Legion the first few days after an expedition were never easy. Because no matter how simple the actual goal might have been, there were always casualties. And adjusting to them was the hardest part.
Turning over to the cold emtpy bed next to you in the middle of the night. The vacant spot at the table during meals. The name calling that would get no answer. The hole in your chest.
Some took it better than others. Some just knew how to disguise it better.
From the top of the Legion's base the night sky could be usually enjoyed without interruptions, reason why Corporal Levi chose the place as his sancturary after particularly bloody expeditions. However, sometimes someone would come and join him.
"Enjoying the view?"
This time, it was Commander Erwin. Not getting a sign of recognition, he tried again.
"There's not a cloud in sight. The sky can be seen in its true splendor tonight. It's not common."
"Doesn't matter. It's a fucking lie."
Some progress.
"What is?"
"The sky."
The reply was followed by a long pause, in which the commander pondered whether or not to continue the conversation.
"Why do you think like that?"
Another pause.
"We can't reach it. Even if we work our asses off we'll always end up caged inside these shitty walls, only catching a glimpse of freedom and hoping to get the real thing one day. Such fools we are."
"We can't have it as we are now. But we're getting closer. Step by step. One day, the ones that come after us will be free."
"Yeah, yeah, I know your hope speech already. What about the ones who work for it? You know, the ones who one day eventually become titan snacks? What about them?"
And what about us?
"Those were necessary sacrifices. None of these deaths were in vain as they all contributed to - "
"I KNOW THAT!"
A startled sound came from Levi, as he felt a hand rest on his shoulder As he looked up to see Irvin's face, he was confronted with a guilty expression.
"You're not going to cry now, are you? If you are, don't do it here."
The mocking tone made something snap on Erwin's mind. Those deaths – those specific deaths Levi was referring to but not addressing directly, were on him. Even if he had not been there, it was his orders that moved the strings. His orders that stopped the beating of those hearts.
"It was my fault. We acted with a serious lack of information and -"
"Stop it. I was out of place, and not speaking on my right mind. My apologies, Commander. It was a rough day. Have a good night."
With this goodbye, Levi shook his superior's hand off his shoulder and left to the inside of the castle.
Erwin couldn't say the change of tone had been unexpected. Levi was not an expressive man, and he himself was not a man of unnecessary words. Therefore, whenever it seemed their conversations were taking a turn to the more personal, emotional side, one of them would reverse to formal conversation, one more likely to be held between two people on their conditions. Most of the time he would be the one to initiate the transition, cutting whatever Levi wanted to say short. No matter how much the other needed those words to come out. Now, for the first time, Erwin understood how much it hurt not being able to let it out. But then again, he was a Commander above a human, and some things should remain unspoken, regardless of the damage done to the human portion. Because at the cost of his humanity, Humanity itself might be given a chance to watch the real sky.