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She'd cried on her first night in Hogwarts. She'd lasted OK. During the feast there had been enough questions to provide a distraction from the aching feeling that crept up through her body, and the girl she'd met on the train was there – Susan. But once they'd reached the common room, Hannah had begun to feel terrible. She'd tried to take her mind off things herself by watching the other students but it hadn't worked, and eventually she'd taken herself off to the dormitory at nine o' clock.
She missed home. Badly.The strange surroundings and unfamiliar faces were doing nothing to help. If she had been at home now she'd have been sat with her dad listening to the Quidditch results on the radio, or helping her mum make some dough for the next morning, or she'd have been cleaning out the owl's cage or something… she'd be doing something familiar. This place was horribly unfamiliar.
She sat down on what was going to be her bed, trying to stop the sick feeling crawling up her gut. She felt hot tears at her eyes and tried to blink them away, but it didn't work. Hannah had always thought that she'd be OK at Hogwarts, but now that she was faced with the reality of it, she felt a lot different.
She heard the door opening and turned away quickly, hiding her tears.
"Hiya," a voice said. Hannah thought it was the girl Susan, "You OK?" Hannah shrugged and tried to wipe her face surreptitiously.
"Yeah," she said, still not turning around, "I – I'm just tired, that's all. Going to have an early night." She tried to stop her voice shaking but a sob rose out of her on the last word. Hannah sniffed, trying to hold back her tears, but it didn't work and suddenly she couldn't stop.
Susan saw and rushed over.
"Hey, hey," she said, sitting down next to Hannah and rubbing her shoulders, "It's OK. What's wrong?" Hannah shook her head, and swallowed, wiping her eyes on the sleeve of her robes. She looked across at Susan, who was smiling softly. Hannah sighed.
"I just miss home," she said quietly, looking away, down at the canary yellow duvet beneath them. Susan smiled and pulled Hannah into a hug.
"Oh, that's all right," she said, sounding perfectly unsurprised, "I'm sure everyone is, really. Did you know I cried on the train, before I found you?" Hannah nodded to show she was listening, still wiping her eyes. Susan continued, "It's ever so different here, isn't it? Are you muggle-born?" Hannah shook her head.
"No. Half, but my mum is." Susan smiled
"I'm a pure-blood," she said, "Everyone thought I'd be fine coming here but I was petrified." Hannah smiled weakly; she'd stopped crying now. "And hey," continued Susan, "Think of all the stuff we get to do now. Personally I can't wait for Charms – that sounds great." Hannah looked across at her.
"I want to do Herbology," she said, "Me and my mum, we always plant the garden at home." Susan grinned and pushed Hannah lightly on the shoulder.
"Well, there you go!" she said, grinning, "Think of all the plants you can show her when you get home, and how about if we're partners?" Hannah nodded.
"Thanks," she said softly, "Really. I just wish I could feel better. Not homesick, I mean." Susan looked up at her.
"It'll be OK in the end. You'll see." Hannah shook her head.
"But it's not OK. I don't feel OK."
Susan didn't reply, but she looked up at Hannah, and reached out slowly, linking her little finger with Hannah's, so their hands rested on the bed, and, when she did speak, her voice took on a different tone. A more solemn one. A more trusting one.
"It's not the end though, is it?"
It took Hannah several seconds to realise what Susan meant, and when she finally did and looked up, Susan was back to normal, and had reached into her pocket for something.
"Come on," she said lightly, "Come back out. We're playing exploding snap and it's so funny. The muggle-borns keep shrieking every time the pack blows up." Hannah stood up slowly.
"Really?" she asked. Susan nodded and smiled.
"Really – come on, it'll be fun. We can so beat the boys!" She didn't give Hannah a chance to reply. Instead, she pulled a packet of Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans out of her pocket. "Here," she said, tipping a few into Hannah's hand, "We'd better have them now before the others want some." Hannah smiled, picking a strange coloured brown bean from her hand. Feeling a little more confident, she held it up for Susan to see.
"Reckon I'm OK with brown?" Susan shrugged.
"Could be chocolate."
"Could be something else," Hannah said, grimacing. Susan twisted her mouth for a moment before taking the bean off Hannah and popping it into her own mouth. Hannah watched for several seconds, before Susan's face turned into a grimace.
"You're right," she said. "Something else."
Hannah giggled as the two of them headed out of the dormitory. Susan was right, she supposed, looking at the beans in her hand. Everything would be OK in the end. Wouldn't it? She thought for a moment before Susan opened the door and they both headed back into the noise and bustle of the common room. Hannah followed Susan to a table in the corner, finally opting for a much safer looking pink bean.
There were far too few of them. Hannah scouted the tables quickly as the last of the younger students were shepherded out. What was left was a group of people who had no chance of standing up to Voldemort. There were all the teachers, the ex students who'd arrived and the DA members who were seventeen and over. There were far too few of them. She sighed and turned back to where Susan and Ernie were sat, hand in hand. Ernie was looking resolute, and was staring up at McGonagall with a steely expression. Susan looked petrified.
Hannah offered her friend a small smile.
"This is it, isn't it?" she asked, wondering at all if her friend would even register what she was saying, let alone reply, but Susan looked up.
"Merlin, Hannah, it's all so messed up." Her voice was quiet and shaky. "How did we even think we could do this? I mean – look at us." Hannah sighed to herself, and involuntarily cast another look at the smattering of fighters around the room. Her heart sank further.
Susan was right, of course, there wasn't any chance of being able to do this. But everything had led up to this point. Voldemort returning, the tragedy of Cedric's death, her mum, everything Harry had done, and – of course – the final year they'd spent with the DA. The year that had been nothing like Hannah had ever experienced before. They'd gone from students to soldiers in less than a year. Hannah supposed she should draw comfort from the thought but it just terrified her even more.
She couldn't let it get to her, though. She couldn't. If she did then they'd have no hope at all. The whole thing scared her, no – terrified her, but there was nothing to be done about it. It was here and now and was happening. She didn't dare look back to Susan. Ernie had left with one group of fighters. The teachers and older students were finalising the last groups, and Hannah knew that this would be the last moment she would get to take account of things, to let her feelings take her over. Once they were fighting there'd be no time for feelings. No time for thinking. Neville had taught her that.
The thought led her to look over at him. He was stood in the group at the front with the teachers, discussing the DA's tactics. As if he'd sensed her, Neville glanced over and saw her looking. Hannah tried to bring herself to smile, but she found she couldn't. Instead, Neville smiled at her. It wasn't the smile she'd expected though, it wasn't brave or strong. It was an uncertain smile: a doubtful one, but it was a smile - and without thinking of it, Hannah found herself offering a similar smile back.
"Hannah, how do you do it?" Hearing the voice, Hannah whipped her head back round to Susan. She looked paler than ever, and Hannah wondered if she was going to throw up. It was a strange sight to see Susan like that. Susan had always been the brave one, the confident one. The past year with the DA had changed her a lot; she'd turned into a solid, resolute fighter – and person. But she'd grown to love. She'd grown to love more than ever, and Hannah knew her relationship with Ernie was stronger than any relationship she'd ever known of, with perhaps the exception of the one her parents had. Susan wasn't scared for herself; she was scared of what she might lose.
And suddenly, Hannah knew what to say. The fear had gone, and she knew exactly what to say to Susan. She turned to her best friend.
"It'll all be OK in the end, Susan." Susan shook her head miserably.
"But it's not OK, Hannah! It's not OK! Look at us! How can you say that? It's not OK, it isn't!" Susan glanced around the now emptying hall, her knee jiggling nervously. Hannah put her hand on it gently, and Susan, sensing Hannah's eyes on her, turned and looked her friend in the face, and their eyes met.
"Then maybe it's not the end," Hannah said soothingly. She kept her gaze on Susan, but slowly reached out and hooked her little finger around Susan's.
Susan glanced down before looking back at Hannah.
"Oh, Hannah," she said quietly, before pulling her friend into a tight hug. As they pulled apart, Hannah heard the word for her own group to leave. As she stood up, she smiled confidently down at Susan. Susan looked back up, her face now clear of the apprehension that had covered it just seconds ago. Now she bore the same look of resolution and determination that the rest of the DA had seemed to wear.
"I'll see you later," Hannah said, "OK?" There was a short, powerful pause between the two of them before Susan stood up, a small smile on her face, and nodded.
"OK."
A/N: This oneshot was written for the Inspiration Challenge on the HPFC forum and my chosen quote was "Everything will be OK in the end, if it's not OK, it's not the end". I have to admit though I don't know if this fits fully, but I really enjoyed writing it anyway. Oh, and I got a lot of inspiration for the second scene - such as Susan and Ernie's relationship and Neville discussing tactics, from Thanfiction's 'Dumbledore's Army and the Year of Darkness' - which you (if you haven't done so already) should really read!! It's brilliant and is under my favourite stories if you want to take a look. Thanks to my beta Spinky, and whoever had the quote above on their avatar (sorry can't remember who you were) for giving me the quote!! Reviews are, as always, greatly appreciated. Thanks a lot!
Elle xx