Disclaimer: I don't own the characters.
The Great Hall was silent as Dumbledore announced the grief news. Another death was been placed upon the wizarding community. Another death, that Harry Potter felt responsible for. And this time the death hit a little too close to home. Harry's first friend had been ambushed and killed.
Harry had to lean on it the table in front of him as he barely listened to the sad announcement about the death. Happy images floated through his mind. The day Hagrid found him, when he gave Harry, his first birthday present. Each time Harry, and his best friends sneaked down to Hagrid's Hut for a chat. All their lessons together, and all their laughs that they shared. All this plagued his mind.
Tears threatened to spill from Harry's eyes, and he dared look up. He say the entire Great Hall (yes even the Slytherins) with bowed heads. They might not have like Hagrid, but they all have lost someone to Voldemort, and they knew the feelings. Looking over the heads of his fellow Gryffindors (the closet to Hagrid) one person did not have their head bowed. Instead that one person was staring at Harry.
Harry felt his heart sink. Ginny Weasley was looking straight at him, her soft brown eyes twinkling with sad tears. Harry say from her expression that she didn't blame him. Ginny didn't blame him for any of the deaths. Not even of her own parents. Yet Harry still blamed himself. Ashamed he bowed his own head again.
It was his vault that Mr and Mrs Weasley were no longer around, and he knew that. Why couldn't Ginny? How could she still stand being around him? How could she still talk to him, how could she still stand touching him, when he was responsible for… for all the death so far. He could just as well have been the one who threw the curse.
He stood up, not even bothered to control his emotions. He walked over to Ginny. She looked at him, an understanding in her eyes. 'Curse her' Harry thought.
"Ginny" he whispered, determined to make her realize that this was his fault. He was determined to make her hate him. Yes, yes he knew she loved him, she always have. That was something Harry couldn't accept. How could he let someone else love him, when he himself despised his own being, his own existence.
"Harry?" Ginny whispered, her soft voice echoing throughout the Great Hall. Harry nearly let out several curses, as he identified the love and concern in her voice. Why?
"Meet me at the Astronomy Tower tonight" he whispered, before exiting the Great Hall. Another moment and he would have jumped on Ginny, desperately trying to get the love out of her eyes.
Several heads looked up and followed Harry through the Great Hall. Then all, as one turned to Ginny. She wiped two tears from her eyes, and bowed her head again. She knew what he was going to say. The same thing he always said, the same thing he always pleaded her to do.
It was the same after the news of every death. She would meet him on the Tower, he would tell her another death because of him, and asked urgently for her to hate him. Always. And always she would refuse. And she always let him know of her feelings, pleading for him to let her in. After each encounter on the Tower, they would both go back to bed, in pain, in tears, and empty.
She was sure this would be another time just like that.
Harry sat on the ledge of the Tower, wondering why he didn't have the guts to jump of it. End it right here and right then. He moved closer to the ledge, inch by inch, but every time he got to close he could hear Ginny's pleading voice, and her voice would rise in his mind. He would instantly retract and stand up.
As he was thinking of moving forward again, he heard the closing of the door behind him. He knew who it was and couldn't bring himself to look at her. He felt a soft hand on his shoulder. 'Why didn't she feel repulsed by me?' he thought.
"Thinking of jumping again?" Ginny asked sorrow in her voice.
"How do you always know what is going on in my head?" Harry asked aloud.
"I don't. I just know how to read your face."
"You cant see my face."
"I can always see it."
"Gin, don't"
"No, Harry you don't."
"Please."
Ginny remained quiet. She didn't know why. But something was different. She felt in her heart that this wasn't going to be like the other times. Still in silence she leaned over and gave Harry a kiss on his cheek. She watched his squirm, and involuntary twitch. Her heart broke again, all over. She wondered how much more she could take of this. She went and sat on the ledge next to him. Harry watched her look forward and sighed. He knew what was coming.
"If you did jump…"
"You'd have to jump after me." Harry finished for her. "Yeah Gin, I know. I do fucking know. But what I don't know, what I am trying to find out is Why?" Ginny looked at him. "Why would you want to give your own life?"
"Harry" Ginny whispered but remained quiet. Should she say it? Should she say it again, for the how manyth time? "Because I Love you." She finally said.
"I'm still trying to find the why for that one too." Harry sighed.
"Harry…"
"Don't!" Harry said forcefully. Ginny was taken back by this. "How can you love me? How can you love a …." He didn't want to say it. Even though he admitted it he never wanted to utter it, but he would if Ginny forced him.
"A boy, no man, who is intelligent, noble, righteous, beautiful, good, kind, funny? Yes Harry sometimes I wonder how I can love someone as horrible as that." Ginny said sarcastically.
Her tone of voice, and sarcastic remark was completely overthrown by Harry.
"No, how can you love me? I'm a …."
"A what Harry?"
"A murderer."
In the meantime Harry had gotten up and was now standing before Ginny his eyes, dim emotionless. If it wasn't for the soft glow of the distant moon, Ginny would have sworn those eyes were void of color too. And with his last sentence Ginny felt like being sucked in to hole. Before thinking she lifted her hand. And then she slapped him.
"DON'T YOU EVER SAY THAT AGAIN." Ginny practically yelled.
"But it's true!" Harry protested. His heart suddenly lifted, maybe he would get her to hate him this way.
"It is not!!!!!" Ginny screamed.
"I. Am. A. Murderer." Harry said.
Again Ginny slapped him.
"Everyone can see it Ginny. Why cant you?"
Ginny remained quiet. It was true what he said. Most people blamed him for the deaths of their loved ones, and Harry just took it on himself. Not even bothering to point out he didn't do anything.
"Harry," she pleaded. "You aren't. You didn't do anything."
"That is the point." Damn her for calming down, damn her for having such a big heart. Damn her for loving him.
"But.."
"I DIDN'T do anything. That is the whole point."
"Harry, stop this." Harry looked away. "Look at me God Damn it! I said look at me." She turned Harry face, to he could stare into her eyes. "Voldemort did all those things. Him. He did. Not you. What could you do? Go up to him and say 'Please don't kill all those people?'. He would have killed you Harry, and then…." She broke off, a tear swelling down her cheek.
Despite wanting her to hate him, Harry couldn't face the fact that she would cry. He couldn't see her sad.
"Don't continue."
"No I will!" Ginny wiped the tear away, just as Harry was about to. "And if you died, what have happed to the world then? What would become of it?" Harry flinched as Ginny hugged him. As an afterthought she whispered, "What would become of me?"
Ginny felt tears stain the top of her head. She knew Harry was crying. This was the third time she had seen him cry. The third time he let it out. And each time it was with Ginny. She just tightened her hug, burring her face in his chest. Suddenly Harry's two strong arms grabbed her by the shoulders. She looked up into his eyes, finally seeing emotion drive back into them. But it wasn't passion, or love. Hell it wasn't even Lust. It was anger.
"GO AWAY." He bellowed. Harry pushed her off him. Ginny was taken back by this.
"Harry…"
"Shut UP!" He yelled.
She leaned forward to touch him, to make sure this was really him.
"Don't FUCKING TOUCH ME!!!" Harry screamed, echoes coming back from all across the Hogwarts grounds. "Just LEAVE. JUST LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE."
Ginny stood in shock. She couldn't move. This wasn't Harry. This wasn't the man she fell in love with. This was a stranger. This was someone completely different. And then it dawned on her. The man she loved didn't existed anymore. The man in front of her was the only Harry James Potter that there was. The other had died. Died with each death that had occurred. Why didn't she see that? Why didn't she do something to stop it? Tears spilled over her face, but Harry didn't react.
"LEAVE!" He snarled at her.
"Fine!" she yelled back. Frustration and annoyance clear in her voice. "I will leave, you selfish arrogant bastard. I'll leave. Don't except me to come back though. Ever. You are on your own now. I don't care. I DON'T FUCKING CARE ANYOMRE." She screamed and rushed to the door. " HAVE A NICE FUCKING LIFE HARRY JAMES POTTER!" and she slammed the door.
Harry stared at the door for several minutes, shaken by her last few words. Then he sank into the darkness that now surrounded him. Why after all this time that he wanted her to hate him, did his heart break when she finally did? Why know that she left, did he realize he might just love her too? Just then did he realize why he never jumped. It was her. She was the one that kept him alive. And now she left. She left and she hated him.
Lying on the floor he cried.