They Had Lights Inside Their Eyes
Pairing(s): It's complicated.
Rating: T (for swearing, like a lot of swearing, well for me anyways.)
Summary: Kendall hates how he didn't know. He hates how oblivious he's been to everything and now he doesn't know what to do. AU and slash. Sequel to All He Ever Wanted.
Disclaimer: I do not own Big Time Rush.
A/N: So I decided to follow through with the sequel because I can't leave poor Carlos like that. And if you have no clue what I'm talking about, I recommend reading All He Ever Wanted. By the way, I am not an expert on hospitals and medical conditions, so fingers crossed I actually got this right. Also, word of warning, although I'm one of the biggest fans of a happy ending, this, unfortunately, don't think will have one. I know, I know, that kinda gives it away doesn't it? I do smell a companion piece to this, to explain the little situation with James and Logan, but it'll only be like a look back at what happened kind of thing and yeah I have no idea when that's gonna be published. Gah, such a lengthy author's note. Here, I'll just let you read on. Oh, last thing! Please review :)
People say that at a near death experience, your life flashes before your eyes. Everything and everyone that's made a significant impact in your life, you see them all again.
What Carlos sees is exquisite, elaborate, very detailed. He sees everything. It's as though time has stopped completely to show him a bittersweet montage of the best and worst snippets of his life so far.
He sees his parents, his brothers, how they grew as a family united in love and support for one another despite a few bumps in the road. He sees his droll elementary school days all the way to high school and how he grew to love singing, acting, performing in front of people. He sees many of his firsts, like a crush, a kiss, an audition, memorable stuff like that. And finally, he sees the band and how they rose to fame and glory, how their fans grew by the millions and how close the four of them had become in the entire process. He also witnesses the falling out, how they had a good run for over six years, and how they still remained close afterwards as though nothing could ever come between them.
Everyone and everything is there. And that soon becomes a problem.
Kendall is there. Kendall has played such an important role in his life that Carlos is not supposed to be surprised that he sees him, but it upsets him nonetheless because he watches how he toiled to get any sort of attention, no, affection from Kendall, anything that would make Kendall notice him in a different light apart from a fellow band member or a co-star or a friend. And he sees how all his efforts have been wasted because lo and behold, he just has to relive having Kendall ask for his help in pursuing Logan.
And it sucks that it's the last thing he sees before the car's horn goes silent and everything is consumed in darkness.
He remembers the loud ringing of the wedding bells after their ceremony and arriving at the reception in a timely manner. He remembers James giving a curiously half-hearted toast to the new couple, peculiar though sufficient. He remembers his first dance with Logan as newlyweds, how he knew he had just made the biggest step of his life with the man in front of him.
But then everything else is a blur. Everything started moving too fast and Kendall could hardly keep up.
All he remembers after is James rushing over to him, phone in hand, a distressed look on his face like he just received the worst news of his life. He hates how that turned out to be the truth.
And now Kendall finds himself staring blankly at the floor below him, the commotion from all the people rushing here and there, coughing, sneezing, shouting, and some crying around him muted out as he tries to calm himself down. He feels dizzy and lightheaded and he feels so uneasy because this isn't the place he expected to be at on the night of his wedding. Beside him is Logan, holding his hand, fingers interlaced to provide each other with some sort of comfort. James is pacing, looking around, trying to distract himself or something. None of them have uttered a word since they arrived, all far too concerned on how Carlos is.
A man in a white coat comes out of the double doors, and Kendall is unable to read the emotion etched on the man's face. Kendall hates that, hates being unable to read into other people's expressions.
The man goes through a bunch of papers held together inside a manila folder, eyes examining intently before looking up at the three men, all sharing the same worried look. "Can I help you gentlemen?"
"We're here for Carlos. Carlos Pena?" Kendall explains.
"Is he okay?" James asks, and the waiting for an answer creeps and crawls under Kendall's skin, the tension from waiting for an answer ties knots in the pit of his stomach and he couldn't find a steady rhythm in his breathing and is it normal that doctors take this long to answer such a dire question?
"Ah yes, Carlos. He's a very lucky man." The doctor graces the three with a reassuring smile and they relax some, Kendall releasing a shaky breath.
"Can we go see him?" Logan inquires.
"He's being transferred to a room, and he's still unconscious right now, I'm afraid. I could tell you what room he'll be in if you'd like."
"Yes, please." Kendall pleads. He really needs to see him. All of them do.
"Room 615." And the doctor takes his leave. Kendall doesn't get a chance to catch the doctor's name but he notes that they must thank him if they were to see him again.
They rush over to Carlos' room and Kendall takes a peek through the small window on the door. He finds Carlos looking fast asleep and peaceful, like nothing had happened to him, but there are some small yet distinct cuts on his face, one on the bridge of his nose, and what seems like a bruise on his lower lip.
The door opens and Kendall jumps. A nurse wearing a name tag that says Elaine comes out and greets them. "Hi. Are you boys friends of his?"
"Yes, can we please come in and see him?" James asks.
Elaine looks quickly outside, scanning the halls. "We only normally allow two visitors at a time… Hospital policy."
"…please?"
Elaine sighs. "Fine, one more person can't hurt I guess, but no excessive noise." They nod in agreement and she ushers the three of them in and closes the door.
They're completely quiet, just staring at an unconscious Carlos, at the friend they almost lost.
"They say he had a pretty bad crash," Elaine says as she checks up on Carlos. "Was there a formal event of some sort? A wedding, I'm assuming?" she asks as she turns to face them.
"Uh yeah," Kendall takes Logan's left hand in his and shows her the rings on their fingers. "We…got married." Kendall grins slightly and looks at Logan before placing a kiss on his husband's forehead.
And Kendall could have sworn James shot them a glare, his eyes a bit narrowed on the both of them.
"Oh, well congratulations to the both of you..." Elaine smiles then pauses, "if you don't mind me asking, was your friend on his way to the wedding? I heard they found a tux on the backseat of his car."
"Uh, to the reception, actually…" Kendall blinks. "He said he couldn't make it… to the wedding. Who's asking?"
"Oh, no one. I'm just curious, I'm sorry. Is something wrong?" Elaine asks.
"Do the records say around what time Carlos had the accident? And where?"
"Uhm, I'm sure I can check that for you…" She flips through the medical charts she had with her. "Ah, yes. Says here the accident happened sometime between 5:00 and 5:30… near the Old Coast Road…"
"Old Coast…" Kendall repeats.
"Are you okay?" she tries again.
Kendall feels a twitch and shakes his head. "Yeah, fine, thank you. I just wanted to know."
"Is that all you need? Because I have other patients to check up on, so if you don't mind… I'll be back in a bit to check on him again."
"No, sure go ahead. Thanks for all your help." Kendall thanks her with a smile.
"Oh, last thing. Visiting hours end at 10, so I'm afraid you guys will have to leave by that time." Elaine mentions as she nears the door.
"Okay, thank you." James dismisses and Elaine leaves.
They're back to not talking and the only noise that fills the room are the recurring beeps from the EKG machine, each monotonous noise it makes soon becoming a consoling sound that assures them that Carlos will be okay.
Kendall lets himself think for the time being, putting in retrospect everything that Elaine has said. It feels as though something isn't right, something has been left unsaid and Kendall couldn't put a finger on the matter and it frustrates him. Carlos said he wasn't going to make it to the wedding, that much he knows because James had told him so… "Logan, babe, would you be okay if me and James talked outside for a bit?" he asks the boy he held in his arms.
"Uhm, sure?"
Kendall pecks Logan's cheek and unwraps him from his hold then walks towards James who is looking on, a deep crease on his forehead and an eyebrow raised. "Can we talk?" Kendall asks and James takes one good look at Carlos before rolling his eyes and heading for the door.
Kendall drags James by the sleeve to the other end of the hallway, away from Carlos' room. James wasn't one to appreciate getting dragged against his will, but from the looks of it, Kendall has something to say and frankly, so does James.
Kendall spins him around to face him, eyes locking onto his and James could see it in Kendall's eyes. He wants answers. "You wanna tell me what's going on?"
"What do you mean?"
"You've been acting weird all night."
"I have no idea what you're talking about."
"Why did you and Carlos lie to me?"
"What are you–"
"Don't act like you don't know. You told me that he had a family emergency and that's why he couldn't make it. So why don't you tell me what he was doing driving away–"
"Are you fucking serious right now?!" James interrupts, shouting almost.
"Excuse me?!" Kendall retorts.
"Our best friend almost died, Kendall. And all you're wondering about is why he couldn't make it to your damn wedding?"
"I-I…" Kendall stutters.
"And why does it even matter, huh, Kendall? It's not like you even care."
"What? I fucking care!"
"No you don't Kendall," James sneers.
"Yes I do!"
"No you don't Kendall!" James is yelling this time and he startles Kendall a bit. "Because you always think that it's all about you and Logan ever since you two started going out that you've neglected… you don't see… Carlos has been… and you… you've just been so fucking blind to everything else that's going on around you! This is all your fucking fault!"
James isn't supposed to tell Kendall everything, but it's difficult not to give it away if Kendall really hasn't taken a hint for this long. If anyone is to actually tell Kendall, it should be Carlos.
Or Logan. Logan actually has something to tell Kendall too and James has honestly grown sick and tired of watching idly by as everyone just continued keeping things to themselves, rather important things that would result in something far better than where they are now if everyone had just been completely honest from the very beginning. James could just spill everything right now, but no, it would be best if Kendall figures it out for himself.
"Hey! Keep it quiet over here or I'm throwing you two boys out." A passing security guard intervenes.
"W-we're sorry…" Kendall apologizes.
"We'll keep it down." James reassures and the security guard leaves, an irritated look on his face.
When the sight is clear, Kendall turns back to James and swallows a lump in his throat, "W-what are you talking about?"
"Think about it, Kendall." James left it at that and started walking back to Carlos' room, leaving Kendall behind to ponder and take in what he just said.
Kendall does ponder.
What the hell did James even mean? Blind to what?
Well, if he has the answer to that then maybe James wouldn't have lashed out at him the way he did. And now there are more unanswered questions that have just piled on top of each other and Kendall has grown weary from all of them. His thoughts jump from one to another and Kendall's head is spinning. He tries to focus.
Why would James say that Kendall doesn't care? It's downright offensive. Cared about whom, exactly? Carlos? If he doesn't care about Carlos, he wouldn't have rushed to the hospital and be worried sick about his condition, now would he?
Carlos has become his best friend, his confidant. He could count on Carlos for anything and everything, and not once has Carlos ever let him down. Kendall is grateful and he does care for Carlos. He does.
And what did James mean by neglected? He never neglected Carlos, not to his knowledge, and if he ever did, it was never in his intention. He wishes that James had just told him everything, because if he had hurt Carlos in anyway and it is his fault that Carlos ended up like this, he could never forgive himself.
Carlos…
It comes to him like a fleeting epiphany and Kendall sighs heavily. If he has it figured out, he needs to have a talk with Carlos and he has to talk to him alone.
Kendall returns to Carlos' room and he sees Elaine back and checking up on Carlos again. Logan is sitting in the corner of the room and James is leaning against the wall on the other side of the room, frowning with his arms crossed and looking on as Elaine tends to their friend.
Kendall takes the seat next to Logan and holds his hand once more. "Hey."
"Hey. Where were you?"
"I… I just… I went to get some fresh air." As soon as Elaine finishes checking, Kendall asks, "How is he?"
"Doing better. He's still out but his vitals are improving. He might actually wake up in a matter of hours."
"Well one of us should be here when he wakes up. I bet Carlos would want that." Logan suggests.
"You are allowed to have one overnight visitor if you'd like."
James motions to volunteer, Kendall catching him with the corner of his eye, but before James could utter a word Kendall says, "I'll do it."
James turns to him, eyebrows pinched in confusion. "Why you?" And the tone in James' voice slightly indignant and it offends Kendall, as though Carlos is suddenly off limits to him.
"Because…" Kendall glances at James, making sure he clearly hears his next words, "I have to."
"What do you mean?" Logan asks, unsure of what Kendall meant.
"Look, I know this may not make any sense right now, but I really have to talk to Carlos, and I would really appreciate it if I got to talk to him first."
Logan keeps mum, obviously confused.
Kendall decides to capture Logan's lips with his own before he smiles at him and says, "You have nothing to worry about. Trust me." The scoff James gives does not go by unnoticed.
Logan shakes his head slowly, still unsure. "Okay."
"Thank you. Hey James, can you take Logan home?"
James chews on his bottom lip. "Fine."
"Make sure you get some sleep, okay? Don't worry about me too much."
"I'll try." Logan gives him a faint smile before he stands and he and James both leave the room.
Kendall sighs and stands as well, then starts to pace around the room. It's just him and Carlos now and although Kendall wanted this, some time alone with Carlos to talk to him when he wakes up, Kendall is honestly scared. His heart pounds fast as he takes his a place at Carlos' bedside and takes the sleeping boy's hand in his, hoping everything will be fine in the end.
James has been silent the entire walk with Logan to the parking lot and Logan is holding his words too, his hands stuffed in his pockets and just trailing behind James. It's an eerie silence between them, as if James is restraining himself from talking but there's something he wants to say. And Logan would bet he knows what it's about but it would be dangerous to have that conversation, especially now that the vows have been said, the rings have been exchanged and Logan has made his ultimate decision.
Maybe walking and leaving with words unsaid is the best option for the both of them. It's almost symbolic in a way.
They approach James' car but Logan felt no relief. The drive home could still entail them having 'the talk' and if that were to happen, Logan knows he'll find himself all emotional and breaking down and possibly crying, and no, he doesn't want that.
He enters the passenger seat of James' car and fastens his seat belt, head turned to the window so he doesn't have to look in James' direction.
James climbs in the driver's seat but doesn't put the key in the ignition right away. "I think we have something to talk about."
Shit. "We have nothing to talk about, James." Logan says dismissively.
"Yes, Logan. I believe we do."
"No… we don't." Logan tries once more.
"Yes we do! Goddamn it Logan. You can't hide the fact that it happened for long."
"Nothing happened, James."
"Fuck you. You're the one who fucking kissed me and now you're the one saying nothing happened? That's bullshit Logan, and you know it."
This is what Logan feared and yeah, he definitely feels some tears coming. "I didn't mean to okay?!"
"Logan, we both agreed to end whatever it is we had because it just wouldn't work out. You were the one who said we wouldn't work out from the very beginning! And then it's your wedding day and you fucking kiss me. That has to mean some–"
"It means nothing! I was… nervous."
"Nervous?" James replies mockingly. "So you go ahead and kiss the best man then?"
Logan hates James' sarcasm and wants nothing more but to shut him up but Logan remains dead silent.
James grunts and clenches his fist and pounds on the steering wheel. "You and Kendall are just really pissing me off right now."
"Me and Kendall? Why would you be mad at Kendall?"
"I have my reasons."
"What the hell did you two talk about when you left?!"
"It's none of your business."
"If it's about Kendall then I think I should have the right to know." Logan tries to assert his place, gain a bit of power and the right to be mad too instead of just being on the verge of breaking down.
"You really want to know?"
"Yes, yes I do." Logan tries to say calmly.
James pauses and his eyes drift elsewhere. He takes a deep breath before saying, "You and Kendall are not right for each other."
"What?" Logan grimaces with one eye. "Who the fuck are you to say that?"
"I'm the guy you fucking kissed ten minutes before your fucking wedding, Logan!" James is looking directly at Logan now and Logan makes the poor choice of facing James, and in James' eyes Logan sees a fire burning, a wild fire that frightens Logan because James has never been this angry before, not with him anyways. "If that's not a good enough answer for you then…"
"…then what?"
James faces forward and sighs. "I know someone who deserves him a lot more than you do. And I know that you know who he is too."
"…Carlos." Logan says weakly. Of course Logan knows. How could he not notice? Carlos tried his hardest to always be by Kendall and he would always take his side if they were to ever argue. He's pretty sure Carlos had his sight set straight on Kendall from the beginning. That's why it took him by surprise when Carlos practically begged him to consider going out with Kendall three years ago.
"Then what the hell are you doing getting married to Kendall…" James whispers, but Logan hears it loud and clear.
"I…"
"This is so messed up, you know that right?"
Logan can't get himself to nod. James is right though. Everything is so messed up and Logan felt as though he caused a big part of it.
James huffs. "Let's just go."
James turns the car on and proceeds to drive and Logan still doesn't talk. Instead, he looks outside the window again, just staring at the signs and buildings and lights they passed by.
When they arrive at Logan and Kendall's house, Logan waits because he doesn't want to leave things the way they are, even if it seems as though nothing could be done. "I'm sorry," he mutters, and he knows apologizing won't fix anything but it's the least he could do.
"I don't think you should be apologizing to me."
"…right."
"Just… promise me something."
"What?"
"Take care of Kendall. Of yourself. Please."
"…of course."
James doesn't say anything else and neither does Logan, and soon Logan is shuffling through his keys for the front door and he can hear James' car pulling out of the driveway and leaving. Logan is bitter and feels like he's guilty of a crime, which he probably is but now all he can do is hope for the best.
When Carlos comes to, the walls of the room are painted slivers of a rustic gold from the half-opened blinds and the scent of antiseptics fill the air. He feels cold, despite being covered in sheets, save some warmth surrounding his right hand. He turns his head to see Kendall on his bedside, head down and fast asleep with both his hands wrapped around Carlos' and it's his hands that are giving him warmth. It seems like a dream. Hell, it probably is because there is no way Kendall would hold his hand like this.
But then Carlos sees a glint on one of Kendall's hands and no, he isn't dreaming. And if he is, then this is one hell of a nightmare because the glint came from the wedding ring placed on Kendall's finger, the ring that will forever remind him that Kendall is Logan's, not his, and that the wedding had taken place. It's like a new level of cruelty has been beset upon him by the world, waking up next to someone who's holding your hand but it's completely out of context because he isn't yours and he never will be.
He tries to slide his hand from the weight of both of Kendall's hands but he feels weak, so weak and in so much pain, and he really didn't want Kendall holding him right now. Kendall has no right to.
Kendall must have felt Carlos trying to move because soon Kendall jolts awake and sees Carlos conscious, and maybe it's Carlos being hopeful, but the glimmer in Kendall's eyes when he sees him seems brighter than the ring's. Yeah, it's probably just Carlos being hopeful.
"Carlos, thank god you're awake." Kendall exclaims and proceeds to wrap Carlos around his arms.
Carlos lies motionless as Kendall hugs him. It feels nice, soothing even, and damn it Kendall still smells and looks so good in his tux but the hug isn't what Carlos wants. He doesn't want a 'thank god my friend is okay' hug like the one Kendall is giving him. He wants to be embraced, wants to be held so tightly and lovingly because hell, he almost died and it would be the best feeling in the world if Kendall promised him he would never let him go or some other sappy romantic shit.
But that's too much to ask for. He knows those hugs and those words are reserved for Logan and only Logan.
"…w-what are you doing here?" Carlos murmurs and tries to squirm out of Kendall's hold. Kendall follows and lets him go.
"I stayed overnight."
"What about Logan?"
"He's at home. Are you o–"
"Why are you here, Kendall?"
"I stayed… to make sure you were okay."
"James could've done that. And you could've been with Logan last night."
"I…"
"James told you, didn't he?" Carlos demands, summoning all the power he had to make his voice sound serious.
"Not exactly. But I know, Carlos. I know."
"And?" This time Carlos' voice cracks. He knows what Kendall's answer would be, he knows he doesn't have to ask. But maybe hearing it from Kendall himself that he doesn't love him back is what he needed. Maybe hearing it would help him move on, get some closure, anything that frees his mind of Kendall.
"I'm sorry, Carlos." As expected. "But I… I love Logan. I'm… so sorry."
"…don't worry about it." He keeps his head down, staring at the injection port of the IV attached to him. He tries smiling. "It's okay."
"No, Carlos. It shouldn't be okay. How long has it been?"
"…it doesn't matter."
"Please, Carlos. I just... have to know."
He doesn't want to say it. He can't get himself to own up to it because it's how long he's been pathetically pining for someone who just ended up marrying someone else. "…six years." Pathetic.
"S-six years? You mean even before…?"
Carlos nods.
"Why…didn't you tell me?"
"Would it have mattered?"
"…what?"
"Would it have mattered? Not once have you ever considered me as more than a friend, Kendall. I tried, I really did Kendall, but it fucking got me nowhere." Carlos considers himself weak for not being able to hold back from crying, but in his predicament, there's nothing better he could do.
Kendall keeps quiet, Carlos' words piercing his heart, painstakingly true. "…I'm sorry."
Carlos wipes off his tears. He has to be stronger than that. "No need to apologize Kendall." He swallows and tries to speak without shaking, "If anything, I'm the one who should be sorry. I completely ruined your wedding day. You're in a hospital still in your tux for god's sake, and it's because of me."
"Carlos… that's okay."
"No it's not… you should go."
"W-why?"
"Logan's waiting for you."
"But you're–"
"Okay. I'm okay, Kendall. You should really go home to Logan. He must be worried about you."
"Are you su–"
"Yes, I'll be fine Kendall. Please. Just go." He tries to look at Kendall this time, makes sure Kendall sees he wants him to leave him alone now. It must've worked because Kendall nods in understanding and leaves.
Kendall wasn't one to break anyone's heart, especially his best friend's. But he just did and he finds his own aching.
He sees in Carlos' eyes as he leaves, there's nothing, completely nothing as he looked at Kendall and asked him to go. He hates how he doesn't know what that emptiness means and what it entails. He meant every apology, and he holds his fingers crossed that Carlos would find it in him to forgive Kendall, because there's nothing he can do.
After all, you can't force yourself to love someone, right?
When Kendall drives home, he makes sure to turn on the radio to try and clear his head. The sun has almost completely risen as its light chases his car.
Kendall finds Logan sound asleep in their bed, his deep breaths resonating in the room. Kendall guesses it's around eight in the morning and he's tired too, both physically and emotionally to be honest, so he gets dressed as quickly as possible and takes his place next to Logan on the bed, wrapping his arm around his husband's waist and brushing his hair lightly.
"Hey, you're home." Logan whispers as he shifts to face Kendall.
"Yeah, I'm home." Kendall smiles.
"Is Carlos okay?"
Kendall tries his best not to let his smile fade. "Yeah, he woke up this morning."
"That's really good to kn–"
Kendall gives Logan a passionate kiss, cutting his words off. This is what Kendall wants, just him and Logan. It's what he has wanted. He's unsure of what will happen between him and Carlos now, the four of them collectively too for that matter. He fears that it'll be over for the four of them and they would drift apart completely. His heart is breaking over the thought, but maybe now that he has Logan, he'll be able to let go. Maybe now that he has Logan, it's all he needs to keep going. Maybe. "I love you." Kendall says, stroking Logan's cheek.
"I love you too."
Three knocks on the door and Carlos says, "The door's open."
"Hey buddy, can I come in?"
It's James, and as far as Carlos is concerned, James might be the only one he can find comfortable being around right now. "Sure thing."
James cautiously walks in, scanning the room.
"Kendall's not here anymore."
"So he left, huh?"
"I asked him to, a few hours ago."
"What'd he say?"
"He loves Logan." Carlos actually does smile a bit this time. There's no use in hoping for something else.
"I'm sorry…"
"So you did know."
"What?"
"About me… about Kendall."
"I think it was pretty obvious."
"Well obviously not for Kendall." And Carlos smirks a little wider. James joins him, not completely sure if it's allowed yet but if Carlos managed a smile then he might as well go along with it. "What about Logan?"
James' smile fades instantly. "Yeah, what about him?"
"He didn't know, right?"
"…I don't know. He never said anything."
Carlos guesses Logan might have known, but it really doesn't matter. He's not the one Kendall wanted and Logan is, and even if it's the worst emotional pain Carlos ever felt, he helped Kendall get Logan and now Kendall's happy, and Carlos really can't ask for anything more.
"So are you okay?" James asks.
"… I will be… eventually."
It's a start.