I have a history of bailing when things get hard. I've never been proud of it…that's just the way I've always been.
I chalk it up to having grown up with a father who was in the military. You learn not to make commitments, because you know you won't be around long enough to honor them. You live day to day, never thinking too far into the future. Medical school was pretty much the only thing I ever managed to dedicate myself to because it was the only thing that ever mattered enough to make me my change my ways.
That is…until I met her.
Relationships had never been my thing. Not only did I not have the time for them, but with my lack of commitment skills, it became almost impossible to find a reason to stay with anyone longer than a few weeks. But then I got offered a job in Seattle and my whole world changed.
My first day at Seattle Grace was a little overwhelming to say the least. I was at a new hospital with new faces that were looking to me to play a part in reviving a dying medical program. I had hoped to be welcomed with open arms, but instead was greeted with 5 feet of stubborn resistance in the form of a woman named Miranda Bailey.
In another life, I think we would have hit it off right away. But the circumstances under which we met made for a bumpy beginning and I quickly found myself wondering if I had made the right decision. But then…then I saw her.
She was absolutely gorgeous. Easily the most beautiful woman that I had ever seen. And from the looks of her light blue scrubs, she appeared to be a resident. Had I been on better terms with the resident I was stuck working with, I would have asked Bailey about her. But given the circumstances, I was left to try to find out who she was all on my own.
I began asking innocent questions around the hospital. Who were the residents to watch? The real go-getters. The innovators. It didn't take long to find out that the breath-taking woman that I found myself drawn to was Calliope Torres…the best up and coming orthopedic surgeon the pacific coast had ever seen. I barely knew anything about her, but I had already made up my mind…I simply had to have her.
Now I suppose I should back track just slightly. I had my share of flings and one-night stands when I first came to Seattle. Again…relationships were not my thing. But the more I found out about Callie, the more I wanted to change that.
So finally, one night when I happened to be lucky enough to be sitting in the same bar as her, I followed her into the bathroom and I kissed her. In that moment, I knew my life would never be the same…and it wasn't. We had our ups and downs just like every other couple does. Well, maybe a little more than other couples, but at the end of the day, we loved each other fiercely and deeply and that's all that really mattered.
Until the plane crash that is. It's funny, after everything that we'd been through…the no kids issue, Mark, Africa, the car accident, I thought there was nothing in this world that could do us in. But unfortunately, I was wrong.
After the plane accident, I was a different person. It's hard to explain and sometimes, I still don't even understand it myself. All I know is that I felt less than. Less than what Callie deserved, less than what Callie needed. I just felt absolutely less than. So when a blonde surgeon with her own agenda came waltzing into my life, I gave in to my feelings of inadequacy and I was unfaithful.
I hated myself right after it happened. I didn't need time for it to sink in; I didn't have to reflect on it to realize the error of my ways. I immediately hated myself. And I couldn't get out of the room fast enough. All I wanted was to be able to turn back the clock, but if there's one thing that I have learned in life, it's that you can never go back.
When Callie found out, she left me. And I didn't blame her. How could I? She had every right. I betrayed her, her trust and our marriage. To make matters worse, in a moment of desperation I even tried to blame my shortcomings on her. As if she was somehow responsible for my inability to cope with my newfound reality. So suddenly I was alone and I had no one blame but myself.
I began to try and find ways to cope. I started off easily enough by doing things like getting drunk in supply closets with April Kepner, but then I began a physical relationship with Leah Murphy. I needed a distraction and she was it. You can imagine my surprise when Callie showed up one night and told me that she wanted me to come home.
Don't get me wrong…I was ecstatic. She had forgiven me, or was trying to anyways, and now I had the opportunity to try to make up for what I had done to her. Only…now I had to tell her about Leah too and despite the fact that we weren't together at the time, I knew she wouldn't be happy about it. And boy was I right.
But somehow we managed to get past it, just like we always had. We decided that the hard stuff didn't matter as much as our love for one another, so we simply chose to put it behind us and move on. We bought a house, we decided to have another baby and my life almost seemed perfect again. Looking back…I think I should have noticed the signs that not everything was as perfect as it seemed.
Callie began questioning whether or not we should use a surrogate to have a second child. When she told me that, it completely baffled me because I thought she wanted another baby as much as I did. Eventually, we both agreed that a surrogate was the way to go and I thought we were well on our way to giving Sofia a little brother or sister.
But then, Dr. Herman offered me the maternal fetal fellowship and our fragile existence began to crumble. Callie began accusing me of choosing my career over our family. She thought I didn't want another baby and this was my way of copping out. It didn't seem to matter what I said, she didn't believe me. And knowing what I know now, I should've seen that that was the beginning of the end.
I chalked up all of Callie's anger and concerns to her being scared. I figured she didn't think we could handle our quickly increasing workloads as well as a new baby but in retrospect, I think deep down she simply knew that we weren't going to make it and didn't want to bring another child into the situation.
Due to the new and continuing issues that we were having, we began couple's therapy. It was my idea. I didn't want to keep on the way we were going and it was the only thing I could think of that was left to try. At first, it seemed hopeless. We were screaming at each other and getting nowhere and it began to very much feel like the end. But then we began our 30-day "separation" and everything changed for the better. Well, everything changed for the better for me anyway.
I realized how much I loved Callie and how stupid I was for letting so much get in the way of that. I was always the one proclaiming that nothing else mattered except our love for each another yet there I was letting work take precedence. So I was determined to do better. I was determined to be the best wife and mother I had ever been for Callie and for our family.
The only problem was that Callie didn't have the same realizations that I had. Things had changed for her all right, just not the way I had hoped. She realized that she was better off without me. She realized that while she loved me, loving me impaired her ability to love herself. So she decided to walk away. And this time, it was for good.
It's been two years now. Two years without her and while I thought the emptiness would eventually subside, it hasn't.
I put on a good show for the most part. I smile and laugh and go out from time to time. I try to be the best mother I can be for our daughter and the best surgeon I can be for my patients, but it's all an act. Because the truth is that I've simply been going through the motions since she walked out of the room that night two years ago.
"Arizona? Are you ready to go?"
I look up from my journal to see April Kepner standing at the door, duffel bag in hand and a smile on her face.
"The plane is getting ready to leave."
"Yeah, I'll be right there," I say as I stuff my journal in my own duffel bag and stand up from my seat.
April had decided to go on another tour and had asked me to go with her. At first, I had said no. I had a daughter and with my specialty, how much help could I possibly be? But she continued to try to convince me. She said that the tour was only for three months and that doctors are doctors, they simply needed all the help they could get.
So I thought about it. I mean I really thought about it. And the more I thought about, the more it seemed to make sense. Working in a war zone had helped April to get past her grief; maybe it would help me get past mine too.
As I stepped onto the plane, I tried to convince myself that that was why I was going…to finally get over Callie and to reclaim control of my life. But deep down, I knew that wasn't the truth. I knew that I was running away. But what can I say?
I have a history of bailing when things get hard. I've never been proud of it…that's just the way I've always been.
I hate how Shonda and the writers claim that Arizona is a "private person" and that that is why we never get any real insight into who she is or how she works. Because of this, I find myself spending a lot of time trying to figure her out. One day, I just decided to start writing about it and this is what I came up with it. So sorry if it sucked, but it's basically just a bunch of my thoughts slapped together into a one shot lol. If you made it all the way through, thank you for reading!