The Past
I wish I could move on from the past. If moving on was easy….. If that didn't happen, I wouldn't be living my life like this. If it was easy to move on from the past without feeling any sense of regret, loss or sadness… I would have done that ever since what happened years ago.
Everyone tells me to let go of the past, but do they know how difficult it is, when the memories of the past is what you really cherish? Do they know that the past is what gives you hope to live on? The past may be over and it may never be rewound, but the memories left behind during those moments are what I hold to my heart the most ; they are like my drug, I need them to live in this world.
Everyone tells me to forget him, do you think it's possible when he is the person you have loved for a long time? Do they have any idea how much he meant to me? Do they know how much he have helped me get over my psychological barriers? Do you know he was always there for me when I needed someone to talk to? Do they know that he was the one who continued believing in me and my dreams, when my faith in myself wavered? Do they know that he was beside me, supporting me in whatever situations? Do they know that… no matter what they say… I would never let him go, even though I know he will not be coming back?
Everyone around me introduces me to girls and guys, hoping that I would get over him, but no, I will never ever forget him, at least not in this life. Some girls and guys would persistently cling onto me, thinking that I would see their (sincere) actions and thus I would fall for them, but can't they see that I'm not interested in them?
By the way, do you know there was once this guy who was really head over heels over me? (I would call him being over-obsessed over me though, since he stalked me 24/7, leaving me with no privacy.) He would camp outside my house and I was too scared to even move out of my bed. One night, I went home drunk, and he almost took advantage of me. Luckily for me, Ran happened to pass by my house to check up on me since I was emotionally unstable, and well she saved me from the rapist-to-be. Currently, he's 'enjoying' his time in a place called prison.
Everyone calls me pathetic for living in the past, but what if it makes me happy? Everyone says I should be accepting the truth. The irony is that I always use the phrase "There is only one truth.", yet I can't accept that one truth. I cannot face up to the harsh truth just yet, because to me, the truth kills, and it kills me slowly and painfully.
Everyone around me wants to be happy, but why can't they understand that living in the past makes me happy? Why can't they understand that I can't be the same Shinichi that I was 3 years ago?
Though there are some instances where I accepted the fact that he was gone forever, I told myself that it was just a nightmare ; it was just a figment of my imagination, and he is still with me.
Though there are times where I cannot differentiate the reality, or the present and the past, I only know one thing – I will love Kaito Kuroba forever, till the end of time.
God, Kaito why did I have to fall in love with you? Why are you giving me misery even though you're gone? Why, Kaito? Is this one of your pranks, to leave me in this heartache and misery?
Kaito, do you remember the childhood promise we had? To get married with each other? Even though we were young back then, all these years, I really hoped that would happen.
That is why I could never have any girlfriend or boyfriend all these years – in the past and now. Everytime you told me you had a girlfriend or a boyfriend, my heart ached. I was forced to give a smile even though my heart ached terribly, it's as if millions of arrows were piercing my heart.
Whenever you broke up, I was feeling a mixture of happiness and sadness – I was happy that I probably have a chance now and I was hoping that somewhere in your heart, I have a teeny-weeny little space there ; I was sad because who have the heart to break your heart? You didn't deserve the treatments they gave you, you are such a good person but yet.. they have the heart to two-time you. Gosh, do you know how much I wanted to punch that Suzuki guy? The one who gave you a cold-shoulder yet you still stay devoted to him ; the one who slept with guys behind your back and after you found out, he told you that you were just another toy of his. I would have killed that bastard if it weren't for the fact that I have to abide by the law.
Whenever you introduced me to guys and girls, hoping that I would get attached , do you know how much I hated you for that? I hinted to you that I didn't want, yet you were too dense to not see the signals I sent you. Do you know how uncomfortable it was to get groped by those perverts? Well, I cannot hate you though, because I love you.
I still remembered when I wanted to become a detective yet I didn't have the courage to pursue it. I doubted that I would make it far. Kaito, you were the one who encouraged me to pursue my dream. You told me to give it a shot, and it is okay to fail, because failures shape us. Because of your encouraging words, I found the courage to pursue that dream.
Remember when I wanted to stop being a detective because I could not catch the cold-blooded murderer who targeted young girls? You were the one who told me not to give up, because hard work pays off and if I was persistent enough, I will solve those cases. Because of your words, I didn't give up being a detective.
When I found out you were Kaitou Kid, I couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe that my childhood friend, my best friend, my love… is a thief. You were dubbed as the 'Arsene Lupin of the century' and I was the 'Sherlock Holmes of the century'. I couldn't forgive myself for falling in love with a wanted criminal.
I remembered you tried to explain to me that went along the lines of "finding out the real truth to your father's death", I remembered that I was too stubborn to listen and kept running to the park and almost had a car accident, but thanks to you I survived.
But thanks to the accident… you lost your life. It seemed so sudden to me ; it was too surreal. I couldn't accept it all, because then, minutes ago you were trying to explain to me the reason why you became Kaitou Kid.. but moments later, you were lying in a pool of blood. The hateful, crimson colour that seemed oh-so familiar to me.
You were taken to the hospital, but it seemed that everything was against me that day. First, I was running into a wall in the case I was trying to solve, second, the truth that you were Kaitou Kid was revealed, and third, you could not be saved. Your mother, schoolmates, my parents, Ran and her parents, and Nakamori-keibu's police force was there, in tears. I believed I cried more than them because I could not believe the fact that my childhood friend, best friend, best buddy and.. love had already gone, without you knowing my feelings for you.
I blamed myself for the accident. If I wasn't that stubborn, if I had listened to your explanation, the accident could have been prevented. Nobody blamed me, including your mother, which made me even more guilty. Everybody consoled me, saying it wasn't my fault, no one wanted to happen, but I knew it was because of me that you died.
After that, I was really vulnerable and emotionally unstable. Then, my feelings were revealed. Some were disgusted at me for liking another guy and looked down on me. The only friend I had that hadn't left after the revelation was Ran. She was beside me throughout that period.
Somehow, I turned suicidal and depressed. I attempted suicide twice, but luckily (or unluckily) I survived. This shows that God still wanted me to live eh? But nonetheless, my mother was really worried, so she sent me to a psychiatrist. She told me the same thing as everyone though – to let go of the past, face up to the harsh reality and move on bravely into the future.
If only you knew how much I loved you, how much I want you back, how much I cherish those memories we had.
Kaito, would you forgive me for not telling you how much I loved you when you were still alive? I was scared of the rejection, I was scared that we couldn't not even become friends. I didn't want our friendship to sour because of my selfishness (which lead me to confessing to you). Now, I guess I would not have the answer eh, though I really want to know the answer..
Kaito, is it time for me to let go? Even if you say yes, it's time to let go, no I will never let go.
Kaito, I love you.