Lifetimes

By Carla

DISCLAIMERS:  All the characters and locations belong to DC or Warner, I'm just playing around with them.  Helena-oriented, but other characters play a big role as well.

Chapter I:  Shadows

Everything was so dark... she couldn't see a thing.  She was calling for her mother, but she couldn't find her... There was a light down the corridor, she ran towards it, maybe her mother was there... She hated being alone; her mother knew that, so she always tried to stay within calling range from her daughter.  She called again.  No one answered.  She didn't want to be alone, she didn't want to be alone, she didn't want to be alone... She screamed, to the top of her lungs, she screamed and screamed...

"Helena!  Helena baby, wake up!" She opened her eyes gasping for air.  Her mother was there, in her room, sitting on her bed and holding her shoulders, worry written all over her face.

"Mommy!" she screamed as she buried her little face in her neck.

"It's okay darling, I'm here with you..." Selina Kyle caressed her five-year-old's dark hair.  For such a little kid, she was crushing Selina's body with the tight embrace, but Helena knew her mother was not about to turn her away.

"I thought I was alone mommy!" Helena pulled herself from her mother's arms and locked her eyes with hers.

"Where?"

"I don't know... There was this corridor, and I was calling for you, but you didn't answer and there was a light and I thought you were there, so I ran and... and I was still alone..." Tears were beginning to form again in her eyes, she didn't like crying, but she was so scared, she was clutching her mother's hands, afraid she would disappear.

"Don't worry honey, you're not alone ok?" no response.  "Helena, come on, look at me." The child slowly raised her eyes, meeting her mother's beautiful gaze.  "Listen Hel, I love you very, very much, and I'm going to be with you as long as I'm alive, do you hear me?"

"Yeah." Helena whispered.

"Do you trust me love?"

"Of course I trust you mommy."

"Then believe me, I'm not going to leave you alone.  I'm going to take care of you, and protect you, and love you. You know that, right?"

"I do mommy."

"Then calm down." Selina smiled at her daughter and kissed her on the top of her head "You have to go to pre-school tomorrow and I have to go to work, so we better get some beauty sleep or we're going to be all cranky in the morning, right?" she teased.

"Rrrright..." Helena smiled at last.

"Good.  But... Now I'm all nervous and I don't want to be alone..."

"You're too old to be such a wuss..." Helena kidded.

"What do you mean, old!" Selina tickled her daughter, who rolled on her bed, laughing.  "I was going to ask you to come and sleep with me in my big fluffly bed, but if you'd rather stay here..."

"No! No! I want to go to the big bed!" Helena jumped into her mother's arms.

"I thought so, honey." Selina laughed, kissed her daughter again and carried her to her room.  When they were both laying on the big bed, Helena curled herself in her mother's arms.  She opened her eyes and saw her mother, holding her close, looking really peaceful.

"Mommy?" she whispered.

"Yes, baby?" she answered without opening her eyes.

"I love you." She closed her eyes again.

"I love you too, Helena."

Helena Kyle, Huntress, wiped away the tear that was rolling down her cheek.  Today was her birthday.  She was twenty-tree years old, and her mother wasn't here to see it.  And she had wanted it so much, had loved her so much.  Helena was always afraid of being alone, she figured it was normal for a child of a single parent, her mother was all she ever had while growing up.  But Selina had managed to give her stability, the nightmares had stopped when she had been around seven... Only to return when she had been sixteen, and she had known that her mother was never coming back.

"You kept your promise mom..." Helena said to her mother's grave, as she laid a single red rose there, her favorite... "You were with me as long as you were alive..." Tears were coming to her eyes again, and this time she knew she would not be strong enough to stop them.  "I miss you so much, mommy.  I know I'm lucky to have Barbara... She's great, and I care a lot about her, but... I don't feel... I don't know where Huntress stops and Helena starts, you know? Since you... since that night... I don't think I'm the same person, or a person at all...  You gave up so much for me to be able to be one, and when you... I was pulled in so many directions.  Barbara gave me purpose... but I don't think I care that much... I..."

She could remember so many long conversations with her mother, eating chocolates if they had had a long hard day, taking a "day off" to hang out, do crazy stuff and talk through the night... She had learned so much from her mother... "Catwoman".  Selina Kyle definitely had what it was needed to be Catwoman, Helena had not doubt about it, but she had known another side, a gentler side.  That of the mother that came to all her gym competitions and karate matches, helped her with her homework, stayed up all night with her when she had tummy-ache... Catwoman, Selina Kyle, had been the person who had loved her the most in her life, as well as the person Helena had loved the most, and she still missed her every single day.  What would Selina think of her daughter now? Somehow, Helena figured that her mother wouldn't be that pleased about her taking the Huntress' mantle. Then again, sometimes neither did she.  But she wouldn't have stood on her way... Selina had always been one to understand the need of a personal space, the thirst her daughter had for freedom and to make her own choices... Selina wouldn't have liked it, but she would have respected her decision... Hell! Helena had seen some old Catwoman tapes, Selina would have probably trained her daughter to make sure she wouldn't get killed... But she knew the Life had not been what her mother had wanted for her... The Life was probably something she wouldn't have embraced if her mother had lived long enough... But she would never know, would she?

"I just miss you so much mom.  I love you."

::Huntress!:: a voice in her ear started ringing.

"Damn.  Gotta go, mommy, I'll come to see you as soon as I can, I promise.  Bye."  She started to make her way from her mother's grave as she wiped the remaining tears falling from her eyes.

::Huntress, are you listening?::

"I am now. What do you want?"

::Are you alright?:: Helena realized she had answered rudely.

"Yeah... Long day, sorry.  Do you need something?" Damn! Even when she tried to be nice... to not avail.

::I just wanted to know when you were coming home. We figured we could take you out or something.::

"I appreciate the offer, but I just feel like being alone right now..."

::Helena, every year, on your birthday...::

"I have some sort of breakdown or act like a zombie for a whole week, I've heard this one before, Barbara, but I still feel like being by myself."

::You're in the cemetery, aren't you?::

"What?" That caught her by surprise.

::It's okay if you feel sad today, Helena, but if you'll allow me to...::

"Sorry, got to go.  See you tomorrow." Helena took her earring off.  She knew that Barbara's offer was sincere, and that she was going to tell her to allow her to share her pain with her, to help her out. But she just couldn't... She loved Barbara, although she couldn't remember the last time she had actually told her... but she would never understand... Losing the person who had been your world, who had built your world... Helena just wanted to be alone and get drunk, wake up tomorrow, and not think about the hole she now felt in her chest.

"I take it Miss Helena is not coming." Alfred Pennyworth said while he put a cup of tea in front of a very frustrated Barbara Gordon..

"Shouldn't be surprised... she's never here on her birthday."

"It's a difficult day for Miss Helena."

"I know that Alfred, I just want to make it easier for her, but she doesn't want my help."

"She has problems accepting help, from everyone."

"But from me, Alfred? We've known each other so long... but, this day..."

"If I may be so bold to ask, Miss Barbara, do you know what Miss Helena used to do in her birthday when Miss Selina was alive?"

Barbara had to smile at his question, remembering.

"Something different every year... When Helena turned one, Selina had this party, huge party actually, clowns, magicians, the whole thing.  I told her it didn't make sense, since Helena was a baby, she wasn't likely to remember... But Selina said she would, even if Helena didn't, and that the important thing wasn't for her to remember but for her to have a good time."

"Did she?"

"Oh yeah... She walked so funny, not really that stable on her two tiny feet, but she was chasing the magician around and trying to take off the clown's nose, eating candies like crazy... When Helena turned sixteen, the last birthday she spent with her mother, Selina decided to take a week off from work and school, and took her to a tour around Africa. You know, big cats."

"Of course."

"I got this postcard from Helena. She was so excited... She was so open back then,  Alfred. I wish you had known her before Selina's death... She was laughing all the time, goofing around, acting like a normal teenager... She had such a great life, she was happy.  I tried to give her that, I tried so much, but I didn't know how. I couldn't live up to Selina as her mother, so I took another role, her mentor, I made her Huntress because... you remember, her first years with us, don't you? She needed direction so much..."

"And you managed to give her that, Miss Barbara.  And if I may say so, I've known Miss Helena to laugh and goof around from time to time."

"Because that's her personality, not because she likes her life."

"She looks up to you."

"Yet I'm the last person she wants around when she needs someone the most."

"She's a loner, Miss Barbara."

"She wasn't before.  It just hurts to see her in so much pain and not be able to do a thing about it..."

"What are we talking about?" Dinah Lance asked as she made her way towards Barbara and Alfred.  "Is Helena here yet so we can start to party?"

"She's not coming, Dinah." Barbara answered.

"What do you mean, she's not coming? On her birthday... Oh, I know, she's probably going to check up on Reese as a birthday present to herself, right?"

"Not exactly, Miss Dinah." Alfred answered with a smile.

"It's something Helena does annually for her birthday, Dinah.  She says she wants to be alone, sulks for a while, goes to see her mother's grave, then goes back to the bar, gets drunk and sleeps it off."

"Are you serious?"

"Afraid so." Barbara answered as she wheeled herself towards her room.

"What are you doing?"

"Maybe Helena is right and it's better to allow her to be for a night. I'm going to bed."

"But..."

"Goodnight, Dinah, Alfred."

"Goodnight, Miss Barbara."

"But..."

"If you don't need anything else, Miss Dinah, I'm leaving now."

"And where are you going?"

"Back to the manor.  My experience with Miss Helena is that the day after her birthday her home needs a lot of cleaning up."

"Okay, why?"

"Usually throwing and breaking of things comes between the getting drunk and sleeping it off."

"Oh, that makes sense."

"Goodnight, Miss Dinah."

"Night, Alfred." When Alfred left, Dinah looked around her. No one.  Alfred gone, Barbara sleeping, and Helena... Damn, whatever the hell was she doing now surely didn't include her.