So this was the angst I was thinking about as I finished up Seblaine week. But now that I've wrote it I've seen it was far too heavy to add into Seblaine week. But I typed this up all tonight because I needed to get it all down at once. This is a one-shot and for the first time in any of my stories I have a trigger warning.
Trigger Warning: Character death
Blaine sat at his usual table at the Lima Bean, sipping on his drink. He saw Sebastian out of the corner of his eye, as he did every time he came here for a drink. He internally sighed. Why couldn't this guy just take a hint? Blaine wanted nothing to do with him. Just because he was single now didn't mean he wanted to be with Sebastian. But there was Sebastian, staring intently at him. Blaine knew what would come next. Sebastian would get up and sit across from Blaine. He'd make some lame joke about how good Blaine looked and make a pass at him. But like always, Blaine would turn him down again. Blaine couldn't see why anyone would give him the time of day. Everyone knew all about Sebastian Smythe. The rumors circulated faster than the latest fashion trends circulated in New York. Blaine had heard them all. And he was pretty sure they were all true seeing as Sebastian never denied them. But Blaine couldn't see how he could be proud of them. Is losing your virginity at twelve something you should be proud of? Or having sex with fourteen different men in that short 6 year time span between him being twelve and now? How could anyone want to be with that sort of person? Blaine just couldn't see it. He valued sex; he didn't think it was something you had with just anyone. But as if on cue, Sebastian got out of his seat and made his way over to Blaine's table. Blaine rolled his eyes and put down the book he was reading.
"Hey, there Blaine," Sebastian said, his signature smirk gracing his lips.
"Hi, Sebastian," Blaine said rather coldly.
"I'm glad it's getting warmer. It means you wear less clothing," Sebastian said with a wink and Blaine couldn't help but scoff. Was this really all Sebastian had left? Maybe Sebastian was just finally getting discouraged.
"What do you want?" Blaine asked, already knowing the answer to that question.
"A chance. That's all I'm asking for," Sebastian said plainly. Well that was new phrasing. Blaine had never heard him put it like that before. But honestly, Blaine didn't think Sebastian deserved a chance. He had almost blinded him.
"I don't think so, Sebastian," Blaine said, shaking his head. Blaine saw something he had never seen in Sebastian's eyes before. Hopelessness.
"Please, Blaine. Just one date. That's all I'm asking for. Is that really too much?" Sebastian almost begged. Blaine sighed, actually contemplating it for a moment before realizing he was doing so.
"I'm sorry, Sebastian. I'm just not interested," Blaine said, shrugging slightly.
"Blaine, please? Why is the idea of a date so repulsive to you?" Sebastian asked. By now Blaine was beginning to get a little annoyed and a little pissed off at Sebastian's persistence.
"Do you really wanna know why, Sebastian?" Blaine asked, narrowing his eyes at Sebastian. Sebastian swallowed thickly, knowing exactly what was coming. But he agreed anyway.
"Yes," Sebastian said.
"Okay," Blaine said, leaning forward on the table. "Here it goes. I don't see what's so appealing about you. I don't see why men just drool all over you and beg for you to have sex with them. Quite honestly, I find it a little disgusting and disturbing that you've had sex with so many men. Sex is supposed to be something sacred, Sebastian. Something that you do with someone you love. Do you know what they call a person who has sex with a lot of people just for fun? A whore. And I don't want to be with a whore. At first I thought you were harmless and it was a little endearing how you kept asking me out. Now it's getting annoying and pathetic and you really need to give it a rest. Can't you take a hint that I'm not interested? Seriously Sebastian, grow up and get over this lust you have about me. I'm not going to give in and nothing you can say or do will ever make me change my mind. So, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go home. But I'm sure I'll see you here tomorrow and the next day and the next. But this is the last time I'm going to do this, Sebastian. No more. I'm done. Goodbye."
And with that, Blaine collected his cup and his book and headed out the door of the Lima Bean. Sebastian sat there. He looked at the clock. It was four thirty. He knew this would all happen one day. He had wished for the best but he knew this was inevitably the outcome. Goodbye it was, Blaine.
The next day Blaine went to the Lima Bean and was dreading looking over to the table where Sebastian usually sat. But when he did he smiled to himself. Sebastian wasn't there today. He must've finally gotten the hint. Blaine sat down, drank his coffee and read his book in peace. He could definitely get used to this. The next day the same thing. Blaine was beginning to love coming to the Lima Bean without constantly being harassed for a date. On the next day, Blaine was about to walk into the Lima Bean when he received a text from Jeff.
'Have you seen Sebastian? He hasn't been at school for 2 days. –J'
Blaine frowned. Did he really break Sebastian's heart that bad? Blaine shook his head at the thought. That would require him to have a heart in the first place.
'No, I haven't seen him. Sorry. –B'
Blaine went through his new normal routine before he headed home. When he walked through the front door his mom was there with somber eyes.
"Mom, what's wrong?" Blaine asked. She sniffed.
"Don't you know a young man named Sebastian Smythe?" his mother asked. Blaine's brow furrowed.
"Yeah, I do. Why?" Blaine asked. Blaine mother contained a sob as she brought him into the living room and sat him down in front of the television. Blaine sat down in front of the television screen and his face contorted in horror. He listened as the newscaster spoke.
"The body of an 18-year-old male was found in his bedroom this evening. His parents had noticed a strange smell coming from the boy's room and when they opened the door they found him lying dead on his bed. The police report indicates that he had been dead for about two days due to an overdose of prescription drugs mixed with a lethal dose of alcohol. His name was Sebastian Smythe. His parents didn't know Sebastian was home due to young Smythe attending a boarding school about 40 minutes away from their house. They were appalled at the sight. They police have concluded that this was suicide. They have determined the time of death was approximately 5:30 on Monday evening."
Blaine couldn't believe what he was seeing. Sebastian had died just one hour after Blaine had said all of those horrible things to him. Tears began to stream down Blaine's face. He couldn't believe he had caused all of this. He was the reason that Sebastian was dead.
"I'm so sorry, honey," Blaine mother said, wrapping her arms around her son. "Were you two close?"
"N-Not as close as he would have liked to been…" Blaine choked out.
Two days later was Sebastian's funeral. Blaine was there as well as the Warblers, his family and other people who had known him. Blaine stood with the other Warblers as the priest read as they lowered Sebastian's body into the ground. There were sniffles and crying heard all around. Blaine remained expressionless. He felt like he was dying. He couldn't live with himself. As everyone began to disperse, Blaine began to walk towards his car. A girl with the same striking green eyes as Sebastian stopped him. She had short, cropped black hair that stopped just under her chin. She had to be about fourteen years old. She looked up at Blaine with sad eyes.
"You're Blaine," she said. Blaine looked startled. How could she possibly know who he was?
"Yes, I am. Who are you?" Blaine asked.
"I'm Veronica. Sebastian is my cousin. And my best friend," the girl said. Blaine liked how she said is instead of was her cousin and best friend. Everyone kept talking about Sebastian in the past tense and it was making Blaine even sicker. Blaine wasn't sure what to say so he just looked at the young girl silently.
"We need to talk. Can you take me to the Lima Bean?" Veronica asked.
"Um…I don't think I want to go there," Blaine said, thinking that he'd never be able to go there again.
"I think we need to do this there," Veronica said, as if she knew that was the last place Blaine had seen Sebastian. Blaine nodded.
"O-Okay… What about your parents?" Blaine asked.
"They know I'm going with you. So do the police. They asked me to give you something," Veronica said. Blaine felt like he was about to pass out. What did the police need to know about him? They couldn't charge him with Sebastian's death, could they?
"Oh, um, okay…" Blaine said nervously. "This way."
He began to lead Veronica to his car. She climbed in the passenger's seat and they headed to the Lima Bean silently. Once they arrived, they both gout out of their car and made their way inside. Neither of them could eat nor drink after the day's significance.
"How do you know who I am?" Blaine asked.
"I've known who you were since the day Sebastian met you. He tells me everything, Blaine," Veronica said.
"Oh… So what do we have to talk about?" Blaine asked.
"I don't know what you said to him. But I'm positive you had your facts wrong," Veronica said, not in a cold tone but not in the warmest tone either. "For instance, I'm sure you've heard Sebastian lost his virginity at the age of twelve?"
"Y-Yes," Blaine nodded.
"That's what I thought. He was raped, Blaine. At twelve years old he was raped by his father's coworker. And do you know what his father said when Sebastian told him about it? 'Maybe that'll teach you to be straight from now on'." Veronica said. Blaine's mouth was gaping. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. "And I'm sure you've also heard the rumor that he has slept with fourteen different men?"
"Y-Yes," Blaine mumbled again.
"Well, out of those fourteen you know one was when he was raped the first time. Do you know how many of those times having sex was actually by choice, Blaine? Three. He voluntarily had sex three times in his life. Two were when he was fifteen. The other when he was sixteen. But also when he was sixteen…he was gang raped. Nine men, Blaine. Nine. They took their time with him. He was in the hospital for three weeks. They only caught one of the men and that was because Sebastian knew him. He went to Sebastian's school at the time. And that was why he was transferred to Dalton, Blaine. There was one time after that. And that was with a boy that Sebastian thought could get the image of rape out of his mind every time he thought of sex. But that boy couldn't do it. Sebastian had never been in love in his life. And then he met you. But by that time all the rumors had been flying everywhere and no one wanted to give him a chance. Not even you. But Sebastian swore that you wouldn't listen to rumors and that you'd see him for who he is behind the rough exterior that the rapes have forced him to put on. And yeah, he got discouraged. But he loved…loves you, Blaine. Truly loves you. He would call me every night on the phone and gush to me about how perfect you are. You were the only man he could ever see himself ending up with. He told me he wanted to have sex with you. Wanted it, Blaine. He didn't want it with the other boy; he just thought that one would clear his memory. Blaine, I have never seen my cousin happier than when he talked about you. His face lit up and his eyes sparkled like I hadn't seen since he was at least eleven. You were his happiness. And I'm guessing that you did something that showed him he'd never be with you. That he'd never get his happiness. And I am by no means saying that it's your fault that he's dead. I'm just saying next time you hear something about someone, take it with a grain of salt. Because nothing is never as it seems. Here," Veronica said, fishing a letter out of her bag. "Sebastian wrote this for you. There was one for his parents, me, the Warblers and this one's for you. The only ones who have read it are Sebastian and the police. They needed to know what it said. They read them all. Well, it was nice to meet the boy who made my best friend smile. I just wish it were better circumstances. Bye, Blaine."
Veronica got up and walked out of the Lima Bean. Blaine couldn't breathe. He couldn't believe what she had just told him. But he knew this was all true. He just knew. Blaine didn't even have the decency to give the poor boy a chance. But he understood now why Sebastian never disputed the rumors. How could he? Blaine for the first time yearned to hold Sebastian in his arms and tell him that he'd take care of everything and that he'd be fine. But it was too late for that. Blaine had his chance and he blew it. Blaine put the letter in his jacket pocket, left the Lima Bean and went back home. He put the letter on his bed and changed into his pajamas. He laid down on his bed and just stared at the envelope. He couldn't bring himself to open it. This was Sebastian's goodbye and Blaine didn't know if he was ready for that yet. He took a deep breath and opened the letter.
Dear Blaine,
If you're reading this, you already know what happened to me and Veronica has already explained my past to you like she's always wanted to do. There's one…well, two things I want, no, need you to know. One, me dying was not in any way, shape or form your fault. This was my decision and I had been playing around with the idea for a while, even before I met you. So don't blame yourself, even though I know you will. Please don't. And two, I love you. I'm sure Veronica told you that but I know you needed to hear it from me. I love you so much, Blaine, you have no idea. You were the only thing that made me smile in my last few months. Even when you were a jerk to me, I still loved every single thing about you. You were the reason I got up in the morning, the reason I sang in the Warblers. The reason I harassed you so much. I'm so sorry for the burden I was to you. I was never good with feelings, especially expressing them. And I knew if I came out and told you that I love you, you wouldn't have believed me anyway. And in your head you're probably thinking 'Yes I would've' but you and I both know that isn't true. I am going to miss you so much, Blaine. But things are better this way. I don't have to suffer in pain anymore and you get to go on living your life as if I never existed. And before you knew what happened to me I know that's exactly what you wanted. But now that you know I'm gone you're filled with sadness. Don't be. Believe me when I say I'm going to be much happier this way. No one can hurt me anymore, Blaine. I'm free now. And I want you to go on and live a full, happy life. For me. Fall in love, get married, have beautiful children. Do what I would have loved to been able to do with you. Just, have fun, Blaine, You deserve it. And don't worry about me. I'm fine where I am. I'm watching over you, keeping you safe. I'll do my best to never let anything harm you. So please don't mope about me for too long. Live, Blaine. You are everything to me, never forget that. You have been since the day I met you. Please don't forget me. I love you.
Love,
Sebastian Smythe.
Blaine's tears were streaming rapidly as he read this. Sebastian had known him so well and he never even realized it. And to be honest, Blaine was contemplating taking his own life after what had happened to Sebastian. But reading this, he couldn't. Sebastian wanted him to live on do what he couldn't. Sebastian wanted Blaine to live through him. And Blaine vowed that he would. He would live life to the fullest for the both of them. Blaine would go on to do everything that Sebastian wanted him to do. He would fall in love many times. He would finally settle down and marry. And together he and his husband Adam would adopt three beautiful children. Two boys and a girl. And their very first born was named Sebastian. Blaine insisted and Adam couldn't argue with Blaine on this. Adam knew only what he needed to know about Sebastian. That he was a teenage friend who had committed suicide. Nothing more. He didn't need to know anything else. Blaine's children would grow older and have children of their own. And Blaine and Adam would grow old together. And once Adam passed Blaine realized that he had always carried Sebastian with him. In his heart. And that after all these years, Blaine was in love with the Sebastian who had written that note when they were just 18. The real Sebastian, the one he hadn't known until it was too late. So that's why when Blaine went to bed one night at the age of ninety seven, he tucked Sebastian's note under his pillow before he fell asleep. Blaine died that night. But when he reached Heaven, it wasn't Adam there waiting for him. It was Sebastian.
Soooo?