This fic is an alternate ending for Knockout…basically based on the plot of "If I Stay" by Gayle Forman. Please read and leave reviews! Thank you!:)
"Please don't die, Kate. I love you. I love you, Kate."
Her eyes slid shut.
Darkness fell over her like a cloak.
He had waited for hours, now. Watched visitors come and go. First the boys and Lanie, then her father and Josh. They had all been sent back home with the same news; she was still in surgery and her chances were not looking good. But the doctors were 'doing everything they could'.
Rick refused to leave, and the white-washed walls combined with the sickly sterile smell became a daze. It was like a dream. Had to be a dream. An evil, awful nightmare from which he would wake and find her nudging his arm, teasing him for falling asleep in the precinct. But it never happened.
At some point, Alexis and Martha stopped by, pleading him to come home. Telling him there was nothing he could do here, but there was. He had made Kate a promise, and planned to carry it out. He had to be there for her.
Kate hopped into her car next to Castle's . Everything had suddenly started happening all at once and nobody would tell her what was going on. Last she could remember before everything became a blur, she was standing, speaking, and there had been gunshots. But who'd been hit? It certainly wasn't Rick, who was taking off in his car ahead of her and bee lining towards the hospital. Alexis?
"God…please no." she whispered fiercely, hitting the gas and following closely behind other urgent vehicles.
She could still hear the siren as she sped down the busy streets toward the hospital, almost positively exceeding the speed limit. All the while, her mind raced, pleasing with whoever was up there listening that the victim wasn't Castle's daughter. It couldn't be.
When she screeched into the parking lot and shoved her way into the emergency room, relief washed over her. By the bench against the far wall stood Rick, accompanied by his mother and Alexis, staring blankly at the floor. She was sure she saw tears in his stony eyes and that killed her. Who was in that operation room?
"Rick!" She raced forward and took his arm protectively in her grasp, "Rick…my god. Who's in there? Who was hit?"
He looked up, but didn't respond. His expression was hardened with shock and disbelief. It was as if he didn't even see her. Like she was simply a ghost he saw through.
"Richard…please." She practically begged, "Please tell me what's going on. Please."
When he didn't acknowledge her words, she turned to Martha and Alexis, who were glancing around the room nervously, anxiously.
"Who is it? Who was shot?"
"He needs to go home. He's only torturing himself here." Alexis whispered.
"What? Who?" Kate asked, taking the spot next to Alexis and touching the girl's arm gently.
"Just let him stay. He'll be able to keep updated here." Martha responded to her granddaughter.
"Updated on who?!" Kate asked frantically, "who is in there?!" she was starting to get angry and confused. Why would nobody talk to her?
"But gram…maybe that's not a good thing." Alexis clenched her fists in worry, "you heard the doctors. Kate's condition isn't looking good."
"It'll be fine. She'll be fine." Gram responded optimistically, doubt subtly seeping into her voice.
"She HAS to be…" Alexis shut her eyes painfully.
Kate? Who was Kate? She pressed her mind frantically for anyone she knew who shared her name, but came up empty. Panic was gripping her now as she glanced wildly around the waiting room, watching Lanie, led by Esposito, leaving through the front doors. Watching other patients surveying the action glumily. Seeing her own father, pain gripping his face, leave the building as well. And yet, nobody seemed to notice her.
"Somebody! Talk to me!" Her shouts were swallowed by the constant murmur of quiet conversations. Nobody looked up, nobody reacted.
With wild determination, Kate hurled herself at the door leading to the hallway full of emergency hospital rooms, and began running from door to door. The sound of heart monitors, oxygen tanks, and muffled crying filled her ears in the silent, depressing way that only hospitals could provide. She found the room in question easily, the voices of shouting doctors and frantic nurses filling the hallway.
She stopped at the door and peered in, watching people in scrubs, gloved hands soaked with blood, moving about the room in dance-like motions, following the doctor's screaming commands. It was a shocking sight. But nothing compared to what she saw next. Lying on the stretcher with arms at her sides and blood seeping from a chest would into the sheets…was her.
Rick had begun pacing. It was absolutely impossible to keep still, not knowing what was going on behind those closed doors. Every noise, every door opening, person talking, his senses would go on alert. It was like when Alexis had broken her arm, only this time, the chances for his cared one were much less.
"I'm looking for a Jim Beckett, Richard Castle, or Lanie Parish?"
Rick whirled around, coming face-to-face with a kind-looking woman who's face was masked with worry. It looked normal though, as if she wore that expression often.
"I'm Richard Castle."
"You were on her list of emergency contacts for one Ms. Katherine Beckett. I just wanted to let you know that she's out of surgery, but her extreme blood loss and the trauma she's endured are not going to make this an easy recovery."
"Can I go see her?" He asked desperately, not sure whether to feel relieved, or scared.
"I'm sorry, she can't have visitors yet. But we'll let you know when her condition is stable enough."
When her condition is stable enough…
The words echoed in his mind, pulling him closer and closer to the edge of the gaping, dark hole inside. He choked out a thanks to the sympathetic nurse, and sat down slowly to keep from collapsing. She HAD to live. He loved her. It had taken him four years to admit it, but he couldn't lose her. And now she was being ripped away from him by the cold hands of a killer who was still out there somewhere enjoying his freedom. She couldn't die…
The shock of seeing herself in a hospital bed, watching her own body and vitals grasping hopelessly onto life, made Kate dizzy and suddenly nauseous. What the hell was happening? That couldn't be her! It wasn't possible! But there she was, sprawled out against the white sheets, with her brown curls fanned out on either side of her own pale face.
"Come on Kate, fight for us!" Dr. Josh Davidson, her ex-boyfriend to make matters worse, shouted against the unsteady beeping of her heart monitor.
"I can't!" she screamed back, whirling to grip a counter so she didn't pass out, "I can't fight! How am I supposed to fight?!" tears found her throat and eyes as the panic and horror of what was happening settled. She was dying.
She was four years old. Her wavy brown hair was pulled up into pigtails as she skipped joyously, without a care in the world, at her mother's side. All around them, summer wafted up from the smell of the flowers and the songs of the birds flitting about the tree tops.
"Katie cat!" her father called from the side of the path.
She rushed over to her daddy's side and he tucked a lily behind her ear. She giggled and rushed to her mother again.
"Look mommy! Look what daddy gave me!" she tugged at her mother's shirt.
"Oh look at that! Katie's a princess now!"
Little Kate grinned from ear to ear, twirling in her new purple dress to show off how it matched her flower.
"Are princesses real, mommy?" she asked.
"Of course they are sweetheart." She responded, "I have one walking right next to me."
"What about fairies and pirates and unicorns?"
Joanna smiled and knelt down to meet her daughter's brown eyes. She took Kate's small hands in her own.
"Katie…do you believe in them?"
"Yes!" She shouted enthusiastically.
"Then they're real." She replied softly, kissing her forehead.
"I'm coming now…mommy." Kate whispered to the sky.
The four hours Rick sat in the same plastic chair staring at nothing felt like an eternity. With each ticking second that went by, he grew more and more anxious and tired. More and more ready to give up and just admit to himself what every doctor had told him with their eyes. She won't make it. And even if she does, she'll never be the same. But he couldn't leave.
"Richard Castle?" For the second time, he shot up out his seat to face the nurse in charge of Kate.
"Is she alright? What's going on?"
"She's okay. Still not awake, and she's having some trouble breathing, but the doctor agreed to let you come back and see her.
He wasn't sure if this was a good sign or a bad sign. What if this was it, but he was being aloud one last goodbye without knowing it? But all the same, relief washed over him as he quickly followed the nurse, finally, through those double doors into the sickly-sterile-smelling hallway. She led him past numerous rooms until they came to a shut door on the left.
"I'm going to need you to wear gloves and a face mask to help prevent infection." The nurse commanded.
He obliged willingly, following the procedure in haste. She was behind that door.
His heart leapt as the nurse swung open the door. The whole room was white, from the floor tiles all the way up to the window sills and ceiling. White. But lying amongst it all, with her head resting weakly on a pillow that made her look even smaller and more fragile, was Kate. Rick shut his eyes and let out a sigh of utter relief, rushing to sit in the chair at her side. Beside him, her heart monitor beat steadily, reassuringly.
"Kate." He whispered, more to himself for assurance than her.
Her normally lively face that held so many emotions and was constantly criticizing him, was now pale and lifeless-looking. Her messy, dark hair that was sprawled out in a fan around her beautiful face, made her skin tone seem all the more deathly.
Careful not to hit the many tubes that stretched from her arms to the beeping machine, Rick snaked his hand into hers. She was so cold.
"Kate…my god…" he choked, looking down at his feet to keep the people in the room from seeing the inevitable tears that clung to his eyes and fell down his cheeks.
She couldn't stay here any longer. She couldn't stand and watch while he fell apart around her weak body. The need to throw her arms around him, to tell him that she was going to be fine, was overwhelming. But he couldn't even see her.
"Fight for me, Kate. Please. You can get through this." She could tell he was crying even though his back was to her.
Biting her bottom lip, she turned and ran out of the oppressive room and into the hallway, where she could finally breathe. Why did everyone keep saying that? How was she supposed to fight, when she wasn't even conscious? What was she supposed to do?
Kate felt trapped. Like the feeling you get in a dream when you're running from something, but you can't move fast enough. She was so close. So close to seeing her mother again, so close to being able to just throw everything away and just have peace. But what about her father? What about Lanie and the boys. And the question that burned her mind; what about Castle?
She knew he liked her. He had since the day she first approached him, badge in hand, to question about a murder. But it was different now. He had changed. He was no longer the irritating, egotistical child who always went for the 'top ten'. Of course, there would always be that part of him, but he had a heart, too.
And she liked him as well. Or at least, that's what she told herself, that she only liked him. That the only reason she had broken up with Josh and Demming was because they weren't what she wanted. That she had kissed him back that night strictly as a cover-up to take down her suspect. That she couldn't remember exactly what had happened the moment she'd been shot…
Kate slammed her eyes closed and steadied herself against the wall as memories came flooding back. Suddenly, the scene was crystal clear in her mind. She had shut it out until now. She hadn't wanted to remember. But finally she could admit to herself what she knew was true; he didn't just like her, he loved her. And despite her efforts to avoid those shared feelings, they came and intruded on her heart anyway.
"…and if you're very lucky, you'll find someone willing to stand with you." Her glance shifted uncontrollable to her partner standing to her right, "Our captain would want us to carry on the fight…"
That's when everything became a daze. Things were happening all at once, but in slow motion at the same time. A metallic click filled her ears at the same time a huge amount of pressure barreled into her chest. And she was falling backward, the world was spinning. And right as she hit the ground, he was on top of her, yelling something incomprehensible. As her vision blurred in and out, his voice became clear.
"Stay with me…I love you…I love you Kate…"
And that's when the world around her went dark.
Her mind screamed to a halt. What had he said?
When she still hadn't shown any signs of waking up ten minutes later, the doctor kindly asked Rick to leave and await further information in the waiting room. In a last attempt, he squeezed her hand gently and leaned down by her ear.
"Kate…I know it's hard…but you need to survive. You need to get through this. For your father, for Lanie, for Espo and Ryan…" he bit his bottom lip and whispered the last words, "for me."
With that, he stood. Giving her pale, remarkably beautiful, deathly face one last glance, he left the room.
Kate inhaled deeply and entered her hospital room, walking quickly to her own bedside and staring into her sickly face. Was she always this pale? She had finally been able to stop thinking. Finally put her indecision to rest. She knew what she was going to do…and had sworn to herself that she wouldn't regret it. But as she knelt down by her body, her mind was still reeling. Her hands were still quaking reluctantly. She couldn't do this, but she had to. This was it. She reached down and took her own hand.
"Richard Castle!"
He had barely left the room and was being called back. His stomach twisted.
"Is everything okay?!" He became frantic all over again at the doctor's shocked expression.
"You…might want to see this."
He turned and ran back into the room, expecting the worst. But she was in the same position as before. Something was different.
"She's awake!" He hadn't meant to say it out loud, but it came anyway in a relieved gasp.
Hey eyes were fixated blankly on the ceiling, but as he knelt over her, embarrassingly close to crying, she registered him.
"Ri…ick." She sucked in air between each forced sound.
"Kate…Kate. I'm right here. I'm right here. I'm not leaving. You're going to be fine…"
"Shh…" She lifted a limp hand to his lips to quiet him, "its…okay. I know."
He took her hand between his and held it to his face, pressing a soft kiss to her fingers.
"Kate…I love you. I love you and I'm an idiot for not telling you before."
Her mouth curled into a weak smile.
"I…" her eyes closed for a moment, then reopened, "love you…too."
Thank you so much for reading…hope it was everything I wanted it to be! Please leave reviews…they make my day! Have an awesome summer Castle fans!