A/N: welp I've decided to start another parody thing because I can't have enough of parodies, obviously. Also because this game was a serious mindfuck, but man I enjoy it so much.
basically this is going to be a summary of the game as me and my friends understood it during our first and second playthroughs. we didn't really pay attention much during cutscences, which probably accounts for why we didn't understand anything that was happening XD (I was busy fangirling over Frederic's top hat and making stupid nicknames for him while one of my friends was busy having a boner for Jazz and the other was busy humoring the both of us, but to be fair the plot is pretty wat in and of itself)
as my friend said when describing this game to his roommate: "I love the characters, I just feel bad for them for being stuck in the plot."
anyway, please enjoy, if you can.
WARNING: TIME TRAVEL BULLSHIT, DESTRUCTION OF PAIRINGS AND HEADCANONS, ALSO LOLIS AND BONERS AND GEORGE NAKATA'S VOICE, IF YOU ARE UNPREPARED PLEASE DO NOT READ FURTHER (also, this is the xbox version, if you played it on ps3 you can take your fancy extra content and go somewhere else...no I am not bitter at all, not at all...)
Chapter 1: Who's the Main Character Anyway
Frederic Chopin did not fight monsters with children or explore the human condition in the depths of his subconscious on his deathbed. And he probably did not have a pretty boy face, although I haven't checked to be sure.
Frederic Chopin was a guy who played the piano, among other things, and perhaps wielded a conductor's baton at some point in his life, and who died at an unfortunately young age.
His name was not Shopan (although it is pronounced that way and would undoubtedly avoid confusion if it were) and most certainly was not Shimapan, being striped panties, which I have no idea if he liked or wore, or was even exposed to. Hell, I don't even know what time period he's from, or whether he's actually Polish or French or even Japanese (although I'm almost positive he's not). Look it up yourself if you are so inclined.
What I do know of Frederic Chopin, who will from now on be referred to as Shopan or even Shimapan in some cases, both being affectionate nicknames, is that he was in fact the main character of a Japanese rpg.
Some may claim that Shopan was not, in fact, the main character of said Japanese rpg. Some may clamor in favor of a silver haired (grey, actually) protagonist type by the name of Allegretto-chan, or a tender-hearted girl with bitchin twin tail drills voiced by Aya Hirano who answers to the name of Polka. But these people forget an essential detail: Shopan was the one dreaming, and when it's your dream you're always the main character. He's not the main character type, to be sure, but while Allegretto-chan may lead the party, everyone knows Shopan's the one who lets him do it.
In any case, the confusion on who's the main character of this rpg may be in part caused by the backstory given to Allegretto-chan and Polka. The game starts with a young Polka walking hand in hand with her mother, a woman by the name of Soup, who is actually not her real mother at all but in fact her adoptive mother and caretaker. The identity of Polka's real parents remains disclosed for now.
Soup has an unhealthy fascination with the moon and jumping off things. She feeds young Polka moon propaganda, which by transitive property equates to social justice propaganda or something. All this makes sense because waves. I think she mentions something about time travel bullshit, but young Polka is too busy not listening and staring at her reflection in the water to care. She's probably contemplating her future hair style choices, or else listening to the ethereal voice of Shopan speaking to her from his subconscious. She then proceeds to be adorable and ask cute questions about waves (dangerous territory for a little girl—what the fuck was Soup thinking teaching her about the moon and waves and shit, what if she decides to throw herself off a cliff) while Soup keeps pressing the issue of the corrupting waves of greed in human society ("Don't ever go to the city, Polka, you'll end up sacrificing your pure soul for the sake of humanity.")
Time travel to the future, where Polka has successfully completed Operation Bitchin Twin Tail Drills and Soup has relaxed a bit in her suspicions of city folk and their dangerous moon waves. Polka is upset for numerous reasons, none of them related to her hairstyle, of course, because it's awesome, but mostly about her disturbing magical healing powers. Polka has magic, which means she'll die young. According to city folk magic is contagious, which is pretty stupid. How can magic be contagious? That's stupid. No one knows.
There's also something about floral powder and mineral powder, but it's not really that important. What's more important are the two kids stealing bread from the local baker, who kind of chases them half-heartedly and lets them get away with armfuls of delicious, firm, sweet-smelling bread loaves.
"Wow, that was scary, Allegretto nee-chan!" says the younger one with a headache-inducing high pitched voice. His name is Beato, and he is forever useless (spoilers).
"Ha! What are you saying, Beat, that was easy!" Allegretto-chan speaks with an overconfident ease and wears a smirk and a wing over only one shoulder that screams asshole or maybe even hipster. Beato thinks Allegretto-chan is his oneechan, and Allegretto-chan thinks Beato is his imouto-chan, but neither of them realize that they are both actually not girls. Allegretto-chan was separated from his penis inexplicably some time ago, which is why he is now holding a loaf of bread unconsciously over the place where his penis should be. He doesn't realize that Beato is the anthropomorphized form of his missing dick, because if he did then they would surely combine and form the ultimate in all that is deep and sonorous and sexy in the world—that is, when Allegretto-chan and Beato combine, they evolve into Jazz. This, however, is a secret they will both discover much later.
They end up delving into the sewers, and Beato is anxious about being attacked by rats because he is equipped with nothing but an oboe attached to a camera. Allegretto-chan somehow got the long end of that stick and gained proficiency in shortsword rather than photography, giving him an actual weapon that only looks like an instrument at the handle. He fancies himself smarter than Beato, which in all honesty isn't hard to accomplish.
In fact, Shopan doesn't appear until after the credits. Polka sits on the top of a cliff overlooking Ritardando—a very dangerous position considering Soup's training into her subconscious about jumping into oceans. Perhaps she is thinking of doing that at this moment, before Shopan interrupts her thoughts. He appears suddenly and without warning, saying, "Oh, it's really not as beautiful as it used to be."
We're not quite sure how he knows this, except that either he created the entire world and its history in his dream or he's bluffing.
Polka thinks he's bluffing.
"Who are you?" she asks, naturally suspicious of men (thanks to Soup).
Shopan looks very smart in his purple jacket and top hat. He is also on the verge of death, and knows it too. This makes his expression very wise as he tells her about the evanescence of everything that is beautiful and good in the world, and how this world is actually just part of his dream, and how he can read her mind and do a little magic but will probably die soon, anyway.
Holy shit, Polka thinks, a little in awe. This guy is just like me. He also talks a lot, but Polka is long since used to lengthy monologues about morality and humanity and social justice and such topics, courtesy of Soup, so she barely notices. She has never felt so understood by another person in her life. She invites Shopan to the forest for some tryst.
"There's something I want to show you, Mr. Shopan. But it can only be seen at night, in the forest. Want to come?"
"Wait, you mean right now?" Shopan says. He thinks he's being hit on, but he's never been hit on by a girl, much less a fourteen-year-old, so he's not quite sure.
"Yes," Polka says. She's a very decisive girl and knows exactly what she wants. Right now what she wants is Shopan. No one's ever made her feel this way before, and after their conversation she realized she kind of has a thing for older men. Or maybe just for Shopan.
Well, whatever, Shopan thinks. He isn't really attached to this place, being part of his dreamworld anyway, and he walks around in a sort of dreamy daze that Polka finds cute. She can't help putting him in his place.
So she shows him the Death Lights, or Heaven's Mirror, both of which are heavily connotated names for the silly flower that blooms at night, and slips in a mention about dreams.
"We're all just figments of your imagination, right? So how do you know what's reality?" she asks under the guise of innocence.
"But I read your mind," Shopan presses, convinced he's right.
"Actually, you didn't," says Polka. She has irrefutable proof, too. Shopan is thoroughly schooled. Also confused as hell. There is hope for no one by now. "Anyway, let's go back. You can stay at my house for the night," she offers.
Soup makes them some soup and doesn't really question why her daughter has brought back a man almost two and half times her age. He doesn't have the city feel to him, so it's fine.
"I'm going to Forte," Polka announces.
Soup is affronted. "But you can't, Polka! It's too dangerous for you alone!"
"But I'm not alone, I have Shopan with me!" Polka fires back. She presents quite the logical argument, and Soup almost finds herself convinced. But she is a caretaker with pseudo-mother capabilities, so she employs her ultimate weapon of argumentation.
"I'm your mother and I say no! Is this about the mineral powder? We can get by without selling floral powder, dear. None of that stuff really matters, anyway."
"Or does it?" mutters Shopan. Soup politely tells him to shove it up his ass. He ignores her advice and calmly sips his soup instead. It is very delicious. It's the only thing she's cooked her whole life, so she's damn well better have perfected it.
Polka huffs. "Come on, Shopan," she says, taking him by the hand while he grabs the bowl of soup with his other. "Mom, don't bother us!" And she slams the door behind them. Soup isn't particularly worried if her daughter is having sex with this strange old man or not, but damn it she's not going to Forte if she can help it. Turns out she has no say in the matter, because Polka has taken Shopan out the window and into the night, off to Forte with no trouble at all.
Soup sighs. She tried her best. She supposed it was bound to happen sooner or later.
"Welp," she says, and sits down at the table with a nice big bowl of soup.
[xx]
By this time Allegretto-chan and Beato have caught the Forte fever and are making their own way out of the city. Allegretto-chan warns Beato that the monsters in the forest are no sewer rats, that's for sure. Beato pretends not to be concerned and takes pictures of the surrounding landscape and a few of Allegretto-chan's butt. They are all S rank. They fight a bunch of monsters for a bit and it's all very exciting. Beato probably almost dies a couple times. It also starts to rain.
"Oh darn, it's raining," says Polka, about half a day ahead of Allegretto-chan and Beato on the forest path.
She steps forward but is confronted by an asshole wearing a monocle. "How convenient. I loathe getting wet, and here are some chums for me to relieve my stress. Mind if I play around with you for a bit?"
He doesn't wait for an answer and draws his sword with a smirk.
"That sounds dirty," says Polka, having been warned against playing with older men Soup never met and hadn't approved of. "Also who even uses the word loathe anymore?" The answer is: only assholes.
"That's not fair, your weapon doesn't even have an instrument theme," points out Shopan, more than a little put out that his musically themed dream wasn't even thorough about it. It just reduced the immersion, that was all.
The Monocled Asshole (real name Fugue) is way too high leveled a boss for Shopan and Polka, who are both pretty squishy given that they are more of healers than fighters. Polka ends up unconscious after trying to come at Monocled Asshole with an umbrella (spoilers, umbrellas are not very effective weapons against swords, nor are they instruments, which further upsets Shopan).
"Oh shit," says Shopan, realizing death is an actual thing that can happen right now without him having to wait around for it, and pops a couple revival items he found on Polka after politely pausing the battle for a moment so he could search her pockets. Monocled Asshole doesn't stop him because he is amused by the silly man in the top hat. He eyes the top hat hungrily, and with a stirring that embarrasses him. No one who is ever cool wears a top hat and a monocle—Tuba and Waltz would harass him relentlessly for it. But damn, he wants that top hat so bad.
It turns out their efforts are useless anyhow, and that death (unconsciousness, really) is the only true solution to continuing progress. When Shopan wakes up and realizes this, he spends a couple minutes being inordinately upset. Then he decides to take a walk. He is also relieved to discover Monocled Asshole didn't actually take his top hat (he decided against it, but was sorely tempted; only the prospect of Waltz's ever stinging patronization of his life and his choices were enough to dissuade—Waltz is a very powerful being indeed).
It's stopped raining, and Allegretto-chan and Beato arrive at last in the quaint Agogo Village. A little purple haired loli welcomes them, introducing herself as one of the guardians of the forest. Beato is awed. He believes she's some sort of spirit or goddess or something, because she's like the only person who is actually nice to him and because he's so useless that he thinks kids his age have to be useless as a general rule of thumb. March and Salsa are proof it's not, but Beato still likes to think so.
Polka comes out of the house just in time to finally meet up with Allegretto-chan and Beato.
"Oh hey, you're Polka, right?" asks Allegretto-chan.
"How do you know?"
"Oh, uh, it's cuz we've seen you around Ritardando and heard your name a couple times," says Allegretto-chan, hoping he doesn't sound like a stalker. He does. He also has an embarrassingly massive boner for Polka right now, which is transmitted through Beato, who feels uncomfortably aroused. Unfortunately for Allegretto-chan, his love is unrequited since Polka has been sleeping with Shopan since like the beginning.
"Your magic is cool!" blurts Beato, which upsets Polka into running away.
"Wow, way to go, Beat," Allegretto-chan says, punching Beato in the shoulder. They both say "Ow!"
"Why did she run off like that?" Shopan asks, strolling on up with a basket of goodies from his walk. It's not long before they hear her scream in the distance, and, amazed at how quickly she disappeared into the forest, the three of them charge in to find her. It's the first time they have a full party to fight with, and Allegretto-chan is relieved to have another person relatively more useful than Beato.
"Polka! What's wrong?" Allegretto-chan cries, bursting into the clearing. "Are you hurt?"
"What? Oh, no," she says. "I mean, there was this giant monster, but you guys killed it. Look at this! I think it's an agogo."
No one is sure what an agogo is, even after March's explanation and the apparent presence of one in the clearing.
"It's just…a ball of light," says Allegretto-chan.
"I want to take a picture!" cries Beato, scrambling for his clunky camera. He hopes for a super S rank, but the agogo is camera shy and disappears.
"Better luck next time," Allegretto-chan says. "Anyway, Polka, what are you doing all the way out here?"
She steels her expression. "I'm going to Forte."
"Oh man, what a coincidence, so are we!" It really is a coincidence, but it doesn't help his stalker image in the slightest. Polka smiles awkwardly and they head back to March's house, where Shopan introduces himself using his real name, which is confusing.
"Shimapan, was it?" says Allegretto-chan, leaning back with his arms behind his neck and being a brat. "In any case Polka, how about you travel with us to Forte? It's better with more people, I think."
"Sure," she says. She's decided to do be adventurous and do everything Soup warned her against. Trusting people, especially city people, especially city people who are street rats, is one of them.
"Sweet!"
"I was headed for Forte as well," says Shopan, and Allegretto-chan scowls.
"Damn, this trip is getting too crowded now," he mutters, but can't really do anything about it, since just a few seconds ago he said the more the merrier.
"If you're going to Forte, can you bring my sister her hat?" March asks. "She loves her hat. I can't believe she'd be so irresponsible and leave it here."
"Sure," says Allegretto-chan, being the chivalrous main character type that he is. "But how will we know who she is if we haven't met her?"
"Oh, we're twins, so that means we look exactly the same, obviously," March giggles. It makes so much sense their minds are blown. Their minds are so blown that they forget all about the existence of March until long after they've reached Forte. Beato keeps being wistful about agogos. Polka keeps wondering what the hell agogos even are, anyway. Allegretto-chan keeps thinking about how to get into Polka's pants. And Shopan keeps walking around with his head in the clouds, surely thinking of something wise and philosophical to extricate from his experience in this world.
A/N: I would probably know so much more about Chopin if we actually paid attention to the miniature history lessons strewn through the game instead of skipping them, but does anyone actually pay attention to those? o_O