Disclaimer: PurpleLitchi owns nothing except for the Mary Sue Zoo. That is hers!
Disclaimer to irate readers: Direct your anger at somebody else. This is a joke and I suggest you go and scream at George Bush or slow walking people. Alternatively, PurpleLitchi suggests that you eat a bowl of green apples, as those are quite calming
The Harry Potter Mary Sue Zoo:
"Good afternoon visitors and welcome to the Harry Potter Mary Sue Zoo. Unfortunately, tourists are required to have a sense of humor to go on this trip.
Furthermore, the guide asks that you control your urges to throttle the characters we view and kindly do not feed them as they are on a prescribed diet so that perhaps they may one day be released back into the world of Harry Potter fandom and feature as real characters.
Kindly keep your belongings on you at all times and do not put any limbs inside the cages. Although our Mary Sues seem to be harmless, you must remember they are animals and have caused many a fan fiction reader incurable trauma.
Before we begin our tour, however I believe that we should all be clear as to what a Mary Sue actually is. Any Questions relating to her?" PurpleLitchi asked
Mr. I'mrealmacho put his hand up. "Yes Mr. I'mrealmacho?" PurpleLitchi said pointing at him.
"Well," he said drawling, "Mary Sues always struck me as beautiful creatures," his wife slaps him, "Well fairly beautiful," he corrected quickly
PurpleLitchi shakes her head in pity, "Mr. I'mrealmacho I'm afraid that you have been eluded into believing this by the millions of fan girls out there. Mary Sue is in fact an evil creature. What are the common characteristics of a Mary Sue you may ask well all Standard Sues have the following:
Unusual eye colour: This can range from pink/purple/orange/red/yellow/silver/gold or something as exotic as rainbow coloured eyes and/or eyes that change colour according to her mood.
Hair: the Mary Sue's hair is mentioned at close intervals. This would be acceptable if the Sue's hair was going to eat somebody but alas, it doesn't because a Sue can do no wrong. It does not play a very big role in the actual story but the author must emphasize its "long/cascading/flowing/tumbling/shimmering/bright/spilling"-ness. Mary Sue's also flick their hair so very often that it has become a hazard to the character's eyes when around her.
Body: Mary Sue's have an amazing body that no one on earth has ever seen before. They are usually very gifted when it comes to their chest but the rest of their body is petite and magically curvy at the same time. They have legs that seem to go on forever and a waist that is smaller than Barbie." PurpleLitchi glares at all the males on the tour and they quickly wipe away the drool.
"Any more questions?" she asks
There were none, "Right well before we begin I'm handing out an Itinerary to you all. We are going to be dealing with the following Sues:
-Lily Sue (perhaps a short visit to Marauder Sue as well)
-Angst Sue
-Twin Sue
-American Sue (We apologize to any Americans on the tour. We know that none of you are like this)
-Daughters Sue
-Dark Sue
-Muggle Sue
-Dark Sue
If any of the tourists have anything else they would like to see I'll add it to the itinerary. Now as this course is designed to educate you the placards at each of exhibits will consist of the following:
Name: The type of Sue
Classification: Her parents and other family background
Habitat: Stories that she appears in most often
Characteristics: What makes this Sue a Sue
History: How she went to Hogwarts and ultimately arrived at our Zoo
Victims: Whose love interest/d did she feign to be
I hope you find this format on the placards easy to use and throughout the tour do not hesitate in asking questions. PurpleLitchi is more than happy to answer them. Right well we're off to see Lily Sue then!