Cassie's thoughts after overhearing Sid apparently dating Michelle (S1 E5)
Cassie was utterly devastated. The previous evening, she was supposed to have been on her first proper date with Sid. Unfortunately, he had been grounded by his father, so he had to cancel the date. Cassie had said she might call on him anyway, but Sid still sneaked out to attend a choir concert in which his best friend Tony was singing. What Sid did not realise was that his best friend Tony was involving him in a scheme that would throw him together with Michelle and have tragic consequences.
Following a deliberately staged quarrel between Tony and Michelle, both Sid and Michelle left the concert early and were beaten up by a gang of drunken girls. Sid returned home to be greeted by not only his very angry father, but also by a very hurt and tearful Cassie, who stormed out saying that everything that happened was Sid's choice and imploring him to "Wake up!". When Michelle did not come into college the next day, Sid was concerned for her welfare and called her, making arrangements to meet her in Ronny Fazer's bar.
Cassie was already upset that Sid had gone out, despite the fact that he had been grounded. She overheard Sid's side of the conversation from where she was standing at the end of a line of student lockers and drew her own conclusions. She felt tears welling up in her eyes and an enormous sense of total desolation.
She remembered how gentle Sid was with her when they were together at the various parties and how sweet he was when he sat next to her on Brandon Hill. She was in love with Sid, although he did not seem to be aware of her feelings for him. She really felt that their friendship had a future. She was however, aware that Sid had carried a torch for Michelle for nearly ten years despite the fact that she was Tony's girlfriend.
Now, it seemed that Cassie's relationship with Sid was over before it had really got anywhere.
"How could he do this to me?" she thought to herself, "How could he? I thought he cared about me. He seemed so genuine, so trustworthy, so sweet, but now, he's turned his affection elsewhere. He's made a date with his best friend's girlfriend".
Cassie felt that life was no longer worth living. She obtained a bottle of vodka, gathered together as many pills as she could muster and went to her usual café. She ordered a hamburger and fries, and for a change, ate them. She felt that there was no point in trying to be lovely if she was about to die.
After her 'last' meal, she left the café and walked slowly up Park Street with a heavy heart, eyes downcast. She looked into some of the shops and thought about Sid. When she thought about him, tears filled her beautiful brown eyes, overflowed and ran down her cheeks. Sid had been her last best hope of real happiness.
She turned off Park Street and went to one of the seats on Brandon Hill. She settled down to some very serious thinking. She prepared for death.
She remembered how different Sid was from other boys she had known. Most of them were attracted to her because they saw her as being quite pretty. Most of them only wanted her for sex, and all of them lost interest when they learnt about her problems. Not so Sid. He seemed prepared to accept her just as she was. True, he had been introduced to her solely for the purpose of a sexual encounter, but he seemed far more interested in her as a person. He had given the impression that he really cared about her and wanted to get to know her. She started to love him from the moment she met him outside Abigail's house. She also had the impression that he was beginning to really like her, but was too shy to tell her. In her daydreams, Sid was to have been her future.
Now, in her mind, all those dreams were shattered. She was beginning to feel that she would never experience the sheer joy of true love. All she saw in her future was a drab, lonely, loveless existence with no hope of true friendship. What made things worse was that Michelle was her best friend. She believed that her potential boyfriend had betrayed her with her best friend. Some of the words from James Taylor's song "Fire and Rain" came into her head, especially the line: "Sweet dreams and flying machines in pieces on the ground." She started weeping bitterly. All her hopes and dreams were gone. She said "Goodbye sweet Sid." in her mind, hoping he would forgive her for what she was about to do.
Cassie decided that the time had come for her to end her worthless life. She was sitting on her favourite bench, looking out across the Avon valley. She was seeing her beloved city of Bristol for the very last time. She found that Sid's little water pistol was in her bag. She had no idea how it got there. She must have put it into her bag after spraying Sid with it when he eventually returned home the previous evening, saying he had been with Michelle. She decided to make use of it. She filled it with vodka and took the small plastic bag of pills out of her shoulder bag. She took several of the pills into her mouth and squirted the vodka in to help her swallow them. She repeated this again and again until the bag of pills was empty. She drank some more of the vodka, closed her eyes and started to cry again.
After a while, she began to feel light headed. She imagined a melancholy waltz in her mind. She got up on to the bench and started dancing on it. She wanted to dance herself into oblivion. She danced round and round on the bench for several minutes until she felt dizzy. She lost her balance, felt herself falling and collapsed in a heap at the end of the bench. Everything had gone black even before she hit the ground.
Two days later, she woke up in hospital with Jal sitting by her bedside.
"W-what happened?" asked Cassie, "W-where am I?"
"You're in hospital, Cassie." said Jal, "I found you lying unconscious on Brandon Hill and called an ambulance."
"I shouldn't be here." said Cassie. "I should be dead. I want to be dead."
"No, you don't." said Jal calmly, "You should want to be with Sid. He loves you."
"But he left me for Michelle." said Cassie, "He betrayed me."
"He only wanted to check that Michelle was alright. Once he was sure Michelle was OK, he tried to telephone you. I took the call in the ambulance. She was attacked by a gang of girls after the concert" said Jal, "He still wants you, Cassie. Both you and Sid were victims of one of Tony's stunts. I don't think Sid will ever forgive himself for what has happened."
"You're just saying that to make me feel better." said Cassie, "How can I believe you."
"When have I ever told lies to you, Cassie." said Jal, "Sid's realised what he has done and he feels really bad about it. Tony wanted to spend the night with Abigail, so he staged a deliberate quarrel so that Michelle would walk out. He knew that Sid would look after her. That's why Tony involved him. Sid wanted to see her the next day because he was concerned when she didn't show up at college. Both of them had been attacked by the gang of girls. Sid got beaten up when he intervened to protect Michelle. She is still Sid's friend, but he loves you so much more, Cass."
"He's got a funny way of showing it." said Cassie, "I know he's so sweet and gentle with me, but he's never told me how he feels about me."
"He's very shy, Cass." said Jal, "When you see him again, I think you'll find that he'll be a lot more open about his feelings for you. What you tried to do has really shaken him."
"I don't know when he'll see me again." said Cassie, "My folks will probably want me to spend time in the clinic when I come out of here. Incidentally, why aren't they here?"
"They spent the whole of yesterday with you." said Jal, "Today, your dad had to go to London to sell a painting. Mum was left to look after little Reuben, so I offered to sit with you today."
"If Sid loves me so much, why isn't he here?" asked Cassie.
"I'm afraid I put all the blame on him and sent him away from here with a large flea in his ear." said Jal, "I made him feel really guilty and told him to stay away from you for a while. That was before I knew what had really happened."
Cassie's expression changed to one of Infinite sadness. Tears welled up in her eyes. She started crying. Jal gently rested her hand on Cassie's in a gesture of consolation.
"I'm so sorry, Cass." said Jal tenderly, "I didn't realise that you'd still want to see him. He means a lot to you doesn't he."
"He does." said Cassie, "I'm going to miss him if he stays away from me. Please see him and tell him that I still want him."
"I'll see what I can do." said Jal, "He's really taken it badly. He's hardly speaking to anyone at the moment. We're all worried about him. I'll try to talk to him and tell him how you feel, but I can't guarantee anything."
"I suppose that's how it will have to be." said Cassie sadly, "Because of what I did, I guess I'll be back in the clinic for quite a while. I'll just have to hope he tries to contact me. I'm really, really going to miss him."
"He will try to contact you." said Jal, "I'll make sure of that, but it probably won't be until after the history group's Russia trip. As I said, he's been very quiet the last couple of days. He's gone right back into his shell and may take a while to recover. You mean a lot to him, Cass."
"I like to think I do." said Cassie, "He's always happy to see me and he's so gentle and considerate towards me, but he doesn't tell me how he feels about me."
"As I said, he's very shy." said Jal, "He's also worried that if he tells you how he feels, it might drive you away. He really does love you, Cass. When he eventually gets his confidence back, he'll tell you. I'm afraid you'll just have to be patient."
"I suppose I'll have to accept that." said Cassie, "I jumped to the wrong conclusions too quickly. I suppose I'll have to pay the price. When you see Sid, tell him that letting me know how he feels won't drive me away. I love him too much. I did what I did because I believed that my love had been betrayed."
"I'll tell him," said Jal, "but don't be too hard on yourself. Sid wants you to be happy."
"Thank you." said Cassie, "I did say 'Goodbye.' to Sid in my mind. I hope he'll forgive me for trying to kill myself."
"He'll forgive you because he loves you," said Jal, "but he'll never forgive himself for what he feels he's done."