Chapter One: Weakness

Clarke knows she should feed her body. She just can't bring herself to do so.

Not yet.

She doesn't know if she will ever heal. She doesn't feel like she could right now. Before taking care of her body she needs to take care of her soul, if she still has one. She's been thinking about this since she left the Ark. Could she be herself again? Could she ever be whole again? The only answer she has are the screams of all those people in the Mountain.

She saved the children. She actually did. She made Cage let the children out. They're at the Ark now, her mother is taking care of them. Or at least she hopes so. She doesn't know for sure. She just left. She couldn't take it anymore. She killed all their parents for the safety of her people, but she can't face them. Those innocent eyes that only seek protection and love. And all she has is destruction and death.

One day she had sought love too. But those days seem so far away in the past now. She can't think of a time when she wasn't like this. A leader. Someone who kills people and is followed because of that. She can't remember the times when she was innocent just like those children. But she does. And it's even worse now.

She thinks about when her father was floated, back on the Ark, and she had been caged for things she hadn't even done yet. She killed those children's parents. Most of them were innocent. Not as innocent as their sons, but still. And she killed all of them. She starts thinking that maybe it would have been less cruel to kill the children too. But she couldn't kill them and survive with her decision, so she condemned them to live with the people who killed their parents.

Clarke reaches the water with her hand, splashing away the imagine of her face. Sometimes when she looks at herself she sees grey and green eyes that stare at her. Victory stands at the back of sacrifice. She remembers that. But those eyes said so different things to her heart. She can't stand the thought of them.

She sits there near the river for a long time before standing again and going back to walk. She doesn't know where to go. Sometimes she thinks she's just waiting for something to kill her. Free her from the weight that every night rips her chest open. But she doesn't deserve that. Even death is not enough, she deserves to suffer the way she is now, maybe worse. But how could be worse?

She's alone, in the middle of nowhere, too far from who used to be her people, and she doesn't belong anywhere, not anymore. The life she had dreamed of, the life on the ground full of surprises and new things to discover; that life was gone. Lost in pain and war, drowned in blood and betrayal.

She has trained all day long, denying her body any rest, only wishing for the clung of the swords to cover the screams of her heart. She feels herself bleeding inside and she takes a bit of relief by seeing real blood streaming down her arm and hip. At least that blood she can touch. The blood that drowns her heart she can't touch nor see, she's not able to stop it, and it's cold. Her body feels a little warmer now that blood is running on it.

But those wounds also remind her that she's alive, while she'd like anything but being dead, like her heart.

No, what she really wishes is not death, but just being a normal girl, a warrior like the others. Someone who could choose their heart. Someone who could be special, but not because of a title, not because of the heritage of a spirit. She wishes she weren't the Commander.

But at the same time she can't forget what she's able to give to her people. She knows that the smiles of the children in Polis are always been worthy her role. But now? Will she smile back at them? Can she still doing that? Can she pretend she's as strong as always, able to protect her people from anything?

She feels weak. She expected to feel broken, to feel pieces of her heart stabbing her soul, and she does. But she also feels weak. This scares her more than any war could.

She chose with her head, she did the right thing for her people. She saved her people, no one more of them died. She pushed her feelings aside. She should be strong for having done that. Feelings are weakness. Love is weakness.

Then why does she feel weak?

She remembers feeling strong with Clarke at her side. She remembers feeling proud at every step the skygirl made forward in the path of leading. She remembers the longing. She longed to protect her, to speak her name, to have her, to kiss her.

This last memory steals her breath, she feels suffocated by the pain, by what is lost. Clarke's said "not yet". Lexa could have had her, one day. She could have the girl who fell from the sky with her right now. She could have her arm brushing against her own while the two make their way to the tent.

Instead she was alone. And she was losing herself at each step.