Okay. So, this is happening. Right. Yes. I'm kissing a girl. It's my first real kiss. I don't know what to do with my hands. What the hell am I meant to do with my hands? I feel like I should have my hand on her waist, but I don't want to touch anywhere non PC. She's so good at this. How is she so good at this? She said she'd never done anything like this, nothing serious. I'm actually making out with her. But I have no idea what I'm doing, and she clearly does. And I'm okay with that.
Though this is a little emasculating. I'm meant to be taking the lead, right? Screw it. I'm doing it. I'm moving my hands. One on her waist, the other on the back of the neck. She gasps a little. I spring back, scared of breaking her, hurting her.
"Harder," she breathes.
She goes back to biting at my lips. I don't move a lot. She grabs my shoulders and rams me into her. I gasp. I feel her grin. I don't like this. But I daren't pull away. What if she dumps me?
She suddenly sticks her tongue into my mouth. This is disgusting. I want to stop. I can't stop. She's swirling her tongue around in my mouth. She's hitting her tongue against mine. I hate this, I hate this, I hate this.
I start to pull away, but she holds me tighter. She's really getting into this. She's breathing hard. She's running her hands through my hair. Her hands move to my jeans. She starts undoing my belt. I let her. I can't move. She unbuttons my jeans. Her fingers scrabble at the zip...
"Stop, stop, stop," I rip my face away from hers. I stand there, panting. I do up my jeans. "I thought you said you'd never done anything like this before?"
She smiles at me crookedly.
"Does it matter? I'm with you now, babe."
I look at her, and I see her properly for the first time. I stop seeing the cool girl, so far above me, the one who has been my friend for so long. I see a predator. I see a liar. I back away.
"Demi..." I can't do this. I can't. "I... I don't think we can do this any more."
Her face changes. Hardens. "What?" She stares at me. "Why not?"
"I... I don't want to." I tell her. I pray she'll understand. "I'm not ready. You know I'm not."
She looks at me. "I knew it. You're just a pathetic wuss." She spits at me, actually spits at my feet. "Frigid."
I'm still sitting there, regretting it, hours later. I should have let her. I should have let her take me, take my virginity, take my purity. I know I've made the right choice, but why does it feel so goddamn wrong?