Title: Hags Sleep Beautifully, by Risa

Pairing: Sai/Sakura… sort of, not really, lol

A/N: I just hope my awful brand of humor works for you! XD

Sai was generally the one placed on watch at night during Team 7's missions. In fact, back when he was in ANBU's Roots he didn't know the meaning of the word sleep. It was just one of those things that any good ninja would learn to overcome whenever necessary, much like hunger, and laughing in the face of your stunned enemies. Then again, that was never a problem for the ever emotionless Sai.

Naruto and Sakura found it necessary to eat and sleep often, too, which was fine. As far as Sai was concerned they both sucked, but that was why he was there. Plus, it was obvious. If anyone threatened their camp Sai would do away with them so quickly that his friends wouldn't even stir. He got a strange feeling when he thought of those two being attacked. Protective, was it? Yes, he read somewhere that one generally felt protective of their friends when their lives were threatened.

He wasn't only protective, though. He liked to observe Naruto and Sakura in their sleep, granted they were within his proximity. This very night they were in sleeping bags, while Sai poked at the camp fire. He found their sleeping faces to be quite interesting.

Naruto was sprawled out and snoring with his mouth wide open, muttering something about that Sasuke homo he insisted on dragging back to Konoha. Why he insisted so much on Sasuke being his friend Sai would never know, nor would he care. As far as he was concerned, Sasuke had nothing to do with him unless Naruto needed his help. Naruto was his friend, and generally friends helped each other out. At least that's what the book said.

Then Sai's eyes meandered toward Sakura, who was as quiet as a night with no breeze. Her hair spiked out at odd angles against her forehead, and there was a hint of grime against her cheek from the trek up the hill. Naruto had said something stupid, it made Sakura mad, and she chased him up the hill until she tripped over a rock and landed flat on her face. It wasn't very ninja-like, but then again not much about her was. She was loud, crude, rude, and fought like a mad ape whose butt had been lit on fire. It was endearing really, but last time he told her what he thought of her strength she threw a table at him. It was nice of her to prove his point, even though it was painful.

She looked interesting as she slept. By day Sakura paid close attention to detail in her appearance. Her nails were perfectly filed; her hair was perfectly parted and fell at even angles. She had a hint of eyeliner and plucked her eyebrows on a regular basis. She had such a clean look about her most of the time, and that look didn't excite Sai at all. Clean girls were quite boring, there were fair too many of them. Sakura looked her best after she rolled in the dirt like the pig that she was.

Sai removed his drawing pack from his bag and started to sketch her. She was good, not stirring an inch, and the light from the fire brought out her features the best. She had a nice, wide forehead, tangles of bangs that fell to one side of it. There was a Band-Aid along her jaw line where she had cut herself in the fall, and even her nose hairs were visible. He had to say for sure this was a girl at her most interesting.

Sakura was an enigma to him. For the most part she thought of pointless things, such as Sasuke, and trying to look good. Sai couldn't say he understood how she thought. In fact, she was much akin to artist's block. She completely eluded him. He had yet to find a book that told him how he should speak to her correctly. One told him to tell her the opposite of what he thought of her, and that it would make her happy. Calling her an ugly bitch never seemed to make her happy, so was he just blind? Was he the only one who thought Sakura was beautiful? Did she like the idea of being ugly instead?

He never did tell her she was beautiful. A dating book he read told him that lines such as "you're beautiful" are cheap and overused, and any smart girl would turn tail and run after hearing such nonsense. That seemed fair enough. He didn't want to scare her off. It was interesting to have friends for once, so losing one before he had a chance to learn more first hand was a silly idea. Still, she didn't quite like being called an ugly bitch.

Or did she? She swung those fists of hers around like a new toy, and calling her names generally gave her an excuse to do so. Being punched hurt, though, so he'd have to use his snide "bitch" remarks sparingly if he wished to live and see another day. Maybe on her next birthday he'd write her an elaborately detailed poem on what a bitch she was. He read that girls like poetry, after all.

The sketch had been coming along nicely throughout the night. The wind tossed a few leaves into her hair, adding more to her wild look. This pleased Sai. He just hoped the sun wouldn't rise too soon.

For the most part the night went on peacefully. They were scouting, and at the same time being scouted on their mission. The Daimyo's wife apparently lost track of more than her cat. This B-class mission was to take back stolen jewelry from some potentially threatening thieves. Well, maybe threatening wasn't the right word. Pussy farts was more like it. Tsunade sure assigned them strange missions while they waited for an update with the Sasuke and Akatsuki situations.

In any case, Sai couldn't say he minded. He was with his friends, therefore content. What's more, he was inspired to draw Sakura. He hadn't been inspired to draw anyone in particular since his brother; therefore she must have been the one who meant most to him now. As he drew he felt a strange pressure in his gut, unlike anything he had ever felt. Perhaps indigestion, though he was generally on top of his health. He would have to read about it later, because he had a drawing to finish.

He made his final touches at the crack of dawn, and the first one to wake up was Naruto. He said nothing as he dragged himself up to go pee on some bushes, not caring about his surroundings. He still had such a small penis. There must have been some kind of medication Godaime could give him to fix that. He thought he should suggest it sometime during their travels, perhaps at a time where Naruto was trying to make a pass at Sakura. Those were always good times to offer good advice for self-improvement.

Naruto walked toward Sai after pulling up his pants, yawning and scratching the back of his head. It was too early for him to be awake. Nevertheless, he bid Sai a disinterested good morning and took a seat beside him, staring into the dying embers in the fire pit. Sai stopped tending to it once his drawing reached completion, so the light wasn't necessary.

"Man, I don't know how you can sit out here all night. All I wanna do at night is sleep," said Naruto, yawning again. Seems like he wanted to sleep some more, which wouldn't be such a bad idea. They needed all the energy they could get, and the sun wasn't even out yet. The sun was starting to peak over the horizon through a few trees, but it was still quite early. In any case, Naruto just slouched forward and complained some more. "What do you do all night?"

"Think," said Sai, and the same smile he always had sent a chill down Naruto's spine.

"Not about dicks, I hope." He frowned, and gave Sai an accusing glare.

"Sometimes, but you ought to be the one worrying about that."

Naruto growled and punched the ground. Then he had opened his mouth to start yelling at Sai about what a perverted rat bastard he was, but then he noticed the drawing pad on his lap. Usually Sai drew abstract, weird things that Naruto didn't care for. This time, though, Sai had done something right for a change. Naruto's face broke out into a wicked grin. He had an idea to get back at Sai.

He snatched the drawing from Sai's lap and whopped in happiness.

"Hey, this is awesome! Sakura-chan looks so cute," said Naruto, grinning as he observed the picture. His cheeks had the slightest tint of pink to them, and finally seemed to be awake. It seemed Naruto had an appreciation for the candid, rugged, sleeping look. Perhaps he was lacking in sufficient girth between the legs, but at least he could appreciate the more beautiful side of Sakura.

"What are you being so loud about, Naruto?" said Sakura, pulling herself upward. It was really too bad that she had to wake up when she did. Sai would have started a second drawing a little more close up. He could chance upon a pimple, or some dry skin to give her face a little more life. Alas, it was not to be. There were always other nights.

"You should see this drawing Sai did! It's really good."

"Mmm… ?" Sakura stood and walked around the fire to the boys, rubbing her sleep-worn eyes. She looked even better tired than she did asleep. Some of her eyeliner from the other day smeared across her eyelids. Truly make up did more harm than good. When would those silly girls come to realize it? "Wuzzus? You usually hate Sai's-AAAAH!

"WHAT IS THIS?!" She snatched the drawing out of Naruto's hand and gaped at it. "WHAT?! Is that supposed to be me? I look like a zombie trampled by horses. AND THIS TITLE-"

Sai had titled the piece "Hags Sleep Beautifully" at the top of the paper.

"I disagree," said Sai. "You look like yourself."

"Damn it, you-" She swung her fist into Sai's cheek hard enough to send him flying through the nearest tree. "Don't ever draw a lady while she's asleep again! What's the matter with you?!"

Naruto was rolling in the dirt laughing as Sai plucked his body out of the bark of the tree. "That's what he gets for being a bastard."

Sakura ducked down so her face was two inches from Naruto's. "What are you laughing at, idiot?!"

Naruto's laughter died in the middle of his throat, and he went completely cold. It was true that he knew Sakura would hate the picture, hence the reason he showed it to her. If he were in a merciful mood he would have told Sai to never show that to a soul. Sakura would want to look her prettiest during that sort of thing, but he had to admit that her sleeping face was cute. The title of the piece killed it, though

Brushing woodchips out of his hair, Sai walked back to the dead fire pit. He was the only guy on the planet who could smile after being punched like that. What a bizarre guy.

Sakura stomped off into the woods to wash up, and as she did Sai took a seat. The blood trickling down his head was supposed to be a bad thing, but he smiled like a creep anyway and gathered up his art supplies.

"She sleeps beautifully for a hag, doesn't she?"

Sakura heard that and threw a log at him.

END