I know I should be updating Revenge right now but I have horrible writer's block and this won't go away! It's also keeping me from writing my English paper. :( I know this song is really sad but it's beautiful and it was stuck in my head for days (still is too) and so this was born. I promise I'm working on chapter 11 though!
This is not necessarily kames, but I'm sure you know where your slash goggles are if you want them.
I really hope that everyone knows by now that if it's on this website, no one owns anything except plots and OCs. If not then there's something wrong with you. :P … Although now that I think about it, I'd probably be that author to write fanfictions about my own story just to see the response. Then I would own everything! Muahahaha!
I remember your bare feet down the hallway
I remember your little laugh
Race cars on the kitchen floor
Plastic dinosaurs
I love you to the moon and back
Kendall couldn't breathe. The tears were silently flowing down his cheeks as he read and all the memories came rushing back…
"I wanna be the flier!" a five year old James exclaimed as he picked up the plastic pterodactyl.
"Well I wanna be the T-Rex because it's cooler!" Kendall cried, his chubby hands reaching for the toy.
James scoffed. "No it isn't! The flying one is cooler because it can fly," he insisted swooping the toy through the air.
"But the T-Rex has pointy teeth! And it's tall!" Kendall argued, making the T-Rex stomp through the race cars haphazardly scattered on the kitchen floor. "I bet it's so tall, it could touch the moon!"
"Yeah, well I bet mine could fly to the moon and back!" James stood and stretched the toy as far as he could over his head.
"Well don't let him go too far! He needs to help mine scare the people," Kendall said, pausing in his race car smashing. James kneeled back down and made the pterodactyl swoop down to the cars while Kendall continued to make the T-Rex stomp around, both boys making dinosaur noises.
I remember your blue eyes
Looking into mine
Like we had our own secret club.
I remember you dancing
Before bed time,
Then jumping on me waking me up.
"James, Carlos, calm down boys. It's time for bed!" Mrs. Knight said to the rambunctious thirteen-year-olds.
"Aww. But we won Mama Knight!" Carlos yelled, still bouncing around the living room while James danced around singing "We Are the Champions." "We beat Duluth!"
Mrs. Knight sighed. "Yes I know. But boys it's almost twelve o'clock," she argued. "You need to be quiet or you might wake up Katie. And it's a school night. I promised your parents you would get to bed at a decent hour." She tried, almost in vein, to reason with the boys when Kendall walked down stairs.
"Carlitos, you need to go to bed otherwise your parents won't let you spend the night again." He said. At this Carlos squealed and ran upstairs to Kendall's room with Logan.
Kendall turned to James. "James, don't you need at least eight hours of beauty sleep?" he asked.
"Yeah, but I don't care!" the pretty boy exclaimed. "I'm too hyper!"
Kendall sighed, grabbed James by the wrist, and dragged him up stairs. This caused the latter to stop dancing and instead focus of freeing his wrist while attempting to keep his footing. As soon as James was in the room Kendall shoved him, pushing him down onto a sleeping bag. "Now go to sleep," the blonde ordered, lying down in his own sleeping bag. James mimicked the action and soon both boys fell into a deep sleep.
For Kendall, though, it didn't last nearly long enough. He was rudely awoken by James jumping on him at 7:30 the next morning.
"James!" Kendall screamed, pushing his best friend off his stomach. Said best friend just snickered and rolled off the disgruntled blonde. "What the hell was that for?"
"Why are you yelling?" asked Logan, his voice thick with sleep. "It's only…" he glanced at the clock, "Oh holy crap! Guys! It's 7:30! The bus gets here is twenty minutes!" With that the rest of the boys jumped up and scrambled to get ready for school on time.
I can still feel you hold my hand
Little man, from even that moment I knew
You fought it hard like an army guy.
Remember I leaned in and whispered to you
They were nineteen now; three years since they started Big Time Rush. It was the day everyone's world came crashing down around them – their fans', theirs, their families', and most certainly James'. It was the day that James David Diamond – pretty boy, charmer, and "face" of Big Time Rush – was diagnosed with brain cancer.
The cancer victim was currently sobbing his heart out in his mother's arms. His dad was on his other side, rubbing his back, seemingly not knowing what else he could do. Kendall didn't blame him. He was holding James' hand and James was clinging to it like it was life itself. Logan and Carlos were crying on each other's shoulders in one corner, Mrs. Knight and Katie in the other. No one knew what to say; there was nothing to say. They were just told that there was a very large chance that James would not survive the next year.
Come on baby with me
We're gonna fly away from here
You were my best four years
"It's okay, Jamie. It's all gonna be okay, just let it all out," Kendall soothed, rubbing James' back as he was violently sick during a chemo session. Logan and Carlos were at a press conference, and the Diamonds went down to the cafeteria for something to eat. James groaned and rested his head on Kendall's shoulder.
"You don't know that, Kenny," he moaned, wrapping his arms around his stomach. His voice was horse from going through chemo for the past hour and he looked so frail and skinny. It scared Kendall how much his best friend had deteriorated in just a few short weeks.
Suddenly, Kendall thought of a way to cheer up James, if only a little bit. "Hey, Jamie, do you remember how we used to play with plastic dinosaurs? And you would always be the pterodactyl? Well, you're gonna get better and fly out of this hospital and straight to stardom. I know you are," Kendall said, wrapping his arms around his best friend's trembling form and pulling him close.
They were quiet for a while and Kendall was almost convinced that James had fallen asleep when the sick boy spoke up again. "Hey, Kenny?"
Kendall smiled. "Yeah, Jamie?"
"Thank you. For everything."
"It's no problem, bro. I love you. I'll always be here for you," Kendall said, gently hugging James tighter.
"I love you too, Kenny. To the moon and back."
I remember the drive home
When the blind hope
Turned to crying and screaming, "Why?"
Flowers piled up in the worst way.
No one knows what to say
About a beautiful boy who died.
The ride back to their house was eerily silent. Kendall was in numb shock, tears traveling silently down his cheeks. He held onto Katie as she sobbed uncontrollably into his shoulder. Mrs. Knight was in a similar state as her son. What do you do when your best friend/brother/son dies of brain cancer?
The day of the funeral was horrible. All the cheerful flowers just seemed to make everything more depressing. It was a short ceremony, something James would've approved of. Kendall couldn't count how many times James had insisted that he didn't want anyone to mourn him. However, the amount of people who showed up represented how many people cared. All of James' family, Kendall's, Logan's, and Carlos' families', and much of their classmates from their high school in Minnesota showed up for the funeral. Even half the Palm Woods flew to Minnesota to be there for the boys and say goodbye to James. Jo had even flown back from New Zealand.
"James would have been thrilled." Kendall turned around to see Jo standing there looking around. "Seeing all these people who cared for all of you. You should have found a bigger venue." She had a point. The ceremony had ended up being standing room only.
Kendall just smiled at her, not trusting his voice. He could feel the tears welling up in his eyes.
"Oh, Kendall," Jo sighed, pulling him into a hug.
And it's about to be Halloween.
You could be anything
You wanted if you were still here.
Halloween had always been James' and Carlos' favorite holiday. They would dress up in the most ridiculous costumes, being superheroes, cowboys, or – like the past year – the ramped up version of the 'Hollywood Super Party Kings of Hollywood."
Kendall was walking past Carlos' and James' room when he paused at a noise coming from inside. He could hear muffled crying coming from the other side of the door.
He opened the door to find Carlos sitting on James' bed with his face buried in his knees, his arms wrapped tightly around them. His whole body was shaking from the force of his sobs.
"Oh, Carlitos," Kendall sighed, going over to the distraught Latino and pulling him in for a hug.
"I j-just m-miss him s-so much," Carlos cried into Kendall's chest. The blonde swallowed hard, holding back his own tears. "B-Big Time Rush is-isn't the s-same without h-him."
"I know, Carlos, I know," Kendall soothed. They were all taking James' death hard, but Carlos seemed to be taking it the worst. No one could blame him, though. They had shared a room for three years.
"Carlitos, I think you should sleep in mine and Logan's room. You shouldn't have to stay in here alone." Kendall said. Carlos just nodded, burying his face farther into Kendall's shirt.
I remember the last day
When I kissed your face
I whispered in your ear
Come on baby with me
We're gonna fly away from here
Out of this curtained room and this hospital gray
Will just disappear
Come on baby with me
We're gonna fly away from here
You were my best four years
"James Diamond?" the doctor called into the silent waiting room. Everyone jumped at the sudden noise. Mrs. Knight and Mr. and Mrs. Diamond stood up and the doctor walked over. If he was surprised at the amount of people waiting for just one patient, he didn't show it. Not only were the adults there, but so were Kendall, Logan, Carlos, and Katie.
"I'm very sorry, but James is not expected to survive the night. There is nothing else we can do. If you would like to see him, he's in room 215." To say goodbye. He didn't say it, but he didn't have to. The group stood and made their way silently to James' room.
They all had a gloomier air about them than they had just a few short hours ago. They all knew how dangerous a fever was when battling cancer, but none of them were quite prepared for this sudden turn of events. They were only allowed to go in two at a time to say their goodbyes. The Diamond's went first, letting James know what was going on. They would be staying the night; they didn't want to leave their only son to die alone and scared.
When they came back out, Mrs. Diamond was in hysterics and Mr. Diamond, barely holding it together, Katie and Mrs. Knight went in. They didn't stay in too long, and Kendall figured it was because they couldn't hold themselves together for James anymore. Then went Carlos and Logan, both already in tears, though Carlos just seemed numb to the world. They stayed with James longer, closer to fifteen minutes. Finally, it was Kendall's turn.
He walked into the room and his heart broke when he saw the state of his best friend. He was no longer the cheerful pop star that Kendall had known only a year ago. The beautiful hair that he had been so damn proud of was long gone. He was no longer muscled with washboard abs and now more closely resembled a skeleton. But the thing that killed Kendall the most was his eyes. The usually bright hazel orbs were no longer shining with excitement and Kendall could find no spark of hope. Instead, they were dull, hazy from fever, pained, terrified, and filled with tears.
Kendall rushed over to James and pulled him close for a hug. James latched onto Kendall, his lower lip quivering. It was obvious that he was hugging Kendall with all he was worth, but he was so weak that it barely felt like a hug at all.
"It's okay, Jamie, it's okay," Kendall whispered, hardly holding back his own tears. Eventually, though, he couldn't any longer. And it didn't help when James started crying brokenly into Kendall's shoulder. He sat quietly, holding James close and rubbing his back soothingly.
"Kenny, I'm s-so sc-scared," James sobbed. Kendall could tell that the last forty-five minutes had been rough for him, and James looked exhausted. "I don't wanna fall asleep," he whimpered.
Kendall held James closer, as if holding him tighter would help him survive the night. "It's okay, Jamie. You're gonna wake up and be in a better place, one far away from this hospital."
James whimpered and held on tighter. "Just please don't leave me," he whispered, wrapping a weak fist in Kendall's shirt as if to keep him there by force.
Kendall simply squeezed back. "Never."
What if I'm standing in your closet
Trying to talk to you?
What if I kept the hand me downs
You won't grow into?
And what if I really thought some miracle
Would see us through?
But what if the miracle was even getting
One moment with you?
Kendall knew it was weird. They had moved back to 2J to continue being Big Time Rush, only this time as a trio. They didn't have to; they all could have easily succeeded in their individual dreams, but by some unspoken agreement they decided to come back – for James. And because of this Kendall was currently sitting in James' closet, surrounded by the clothes he never took back to Minnesota that still smelled like Cuda products. He was reading the letter James had given him right before he left the room on that last day. He had written one for everyone, even Mrs. Knight and Katie. It was written in James' best handwriting and read:
Dear Kendall,
First off, I want to apologize. I'm sorry for not being strong enough to beat this disease. I'm sorry I got it in the first place. But mostly, I'm sorry I had to leave you behind. You guys never deserved to be abandoned.
However, I mostly want to say thank you. Thank you for bringing me along to LA and making my dreams come true. And thank you for being you. You were there for me every step of the way. You never left my side and never lost your temper, even when I lost mine. You, Logan, and Carlos were the ones that kept me going for so long, even when I wanted to give up. I love you guys.
I don't want you to cry for me. I'm in a better place now, and you know what, Kenny? I still haven't completely left you. I'll always be there listening and watching. I'll be watching you make it Big Time in Hollywood or on the ice; whichever one you decide to do. Besides, this isn't goodbye forever. I'll see you again. Hopefully in another sixty years or so, once you've done everything you've ever wanted. Is it wrong to say I can't wait until then? Probably. No one should have to die young. But it's true. I'm gonna miss talking to you, man. I love you, bro. to the moon and back.
~James
Come on baby with me
We're gonna fly away from here
Come on baby with me
We're gonna fly away from here
You were my best four years
Four years. Four years since Big Time Rush started. Four years since James' dreams came true. Four years of them all growing closer than ever before he died.
I remember your bare feet down the hallway
I love you to the moon and back
Awww! I cried writing this. Please review? Reviews = love. I really want to know what you guys think. Pretty please?
~ Nikki