Note: I am not responsible for the possible and probable brain injury that might occur while reading this fic.
Warnings: (OH ALL THE WARNINGS) I have blatantly abused every single character in both FF4 and FF7. Yaoi warning. Silliness warning. And yourheadmightcaveinifyoureadthis warning. God, I'm so insane. I'M SORRY.
FINAL FANTASY VII
as performed by the cast of Final Fantasy IV
ACT ONE : PART ONE
We pan in on a train slowing down by a station. Three random Toroian dancing girls jump off the train and kick the asses of some guards there. Then a really hot blond guy jumps off the train and gets out a really big sword.
Kain: ..I like spears better.
Shut up. You get a big sword in this story. Anyway. Kain slashes with the big sword and immediately kicks the ass of some other guards.
Kain: Go me. :D
Do you like your sword now? Ha. Before Kain can reply to my commenting, however, a little girl with a gun infused on her arm jumps out of the train too.
Porom: ...This gun-arm is really heavy. x_x;
No, you have to talk the way I taught you!
Porom: Oh! That's right! This here.. I can't say these words! These are words my stupid brother would say. Geez. I'll improvise. This here gun-arm is heavy, yo.
...Five year olds are so bad at ghetto talk.
Kain: I want my money!
Porom: We're not done with the job, yo.
Kain: ..Why are you adding "yo" to the end of all your sentences?
Porom: I'm trying to be ghetto, yo.
Kain: ....
Porom: ...It's not working, is it.
Kain: No.
Meanwhile, the Toroian dancing girls have gotten way ahead so Kain and Porom have to run to keep up. But they do and they get to this big building where Porom makes Kain set a bomb. Then they have to get out of the building in less than ten minutes because that's what Kain set the time for.
Kain: HEY. If I were to set a time bomb while I was STILL INSIDE THE BUILDING, I'd have a little sense and set it for like four hours or something.
Too bad that you're playing Cloud, the psychopathic science project gone horribly wrong. ^_^
Kain: Goddamn it..
Porom: It's not nice to swear! ^_^;
And you, Porom, you're playing the person with the second dirtiest tongue in the game. Start acting like him!
Kain: Ha, ha!
Porom: ..You're worse than Palom!!
At any rate, all this mindless babbling has taken up half of the planned escape time and so now Porom and Kain have only five minutes to get out.
Kain and Porom: WHAT?!
You heard me. Run, children, run! Well, at least they're good listeners because they run like hell! Kain and Porom and the three Toroian dancers make it out of the building and, even though they have three more minutes, the bomb goes off early and detonates just as they run out the door. OOPS. Silly Kain set the bomb wrong.
Kain: I did not! You just made that happen.
No, you set it wrong.
Kain: NO, I DIDN'T.
Well, who cares now? I mean, you're out and the building's burning down and stuff. Doesn't really matter that SOMEONE set the bomb wrong!
Kain: Just.. shut up.
Porom: Everyone, split up and meet at the train station. Cause. Like. Blowing things up is a bad thing and people will be like trying to kill and stuff now. ...yo.
Kain: Okay.
So the Toroian dancers, Porom, and Kain all split up and go other random places. BUT OH NO. NOW THAT KAIN IS ALONE, HE GETS ATTACKED BY RANDOM VON MUIR TROOPS. However, since he's super cool, he slices them all to ribbons.
Kain: Yay!
However.
Kain: However?
However. In doing so, he missed the train with Porom and the Toroian dancers on it!
Kain: WHAT?!
Dancing Girl #1: Where is Kain?
Dancing Girl #2: I hope he's not dead.
Dancing Girl #3: Yeah, he's hot.
Dancing Girl #1: Hey, Porom, when do we get our money?
Porom: Uh.. later?
Dancing Girls #1-3 cower in fear from the shock of the mean words from their giant (as compared to an ant anyway) leader! I know I'm scared! Aren't you?
Porom: Oh, shut up.
Suddenly, they all hear random banging noises. But they ignore them because the fact that I made a special point as to include them in the plot means that they're not important, obviously. Naturally, just as I write that, the door swings open, proving that the banging noises were, in fact, important. And Kain flies in! Yay, Kain!
Kain: Looks like I'm a little late. ::Rufus-esque hair toss::
Porom: You big meanie! You had us all worried sick!
Kain: ...sorry.
Porom: Kay, let's go back to the hideout now that's so incredibly secret because it's in the middle of a popular bar. ...hey, that doesn't make any sense.
Of course, it doesn't.
Porom: ...why is our secret hideout in the middle of a popular bar?
Because I say so. Just go, okay?
Porom: Fine, fine..
After arguing incessantly with the author, Porom, Kain, and the dancing girls finally make it back and they all go into a bar called "Yang's Wife's Seventh Heaven." Boy, that's hard to say.
Yang's wife: Mock my bar again and I'll slam this frying pan into you head.
Porom: Kay, like today's mission was a success so we're going to do it again tomorrow.
And so they do just that. Except this time, Yang's wife goes along and she has a frying pan and that's really quite scary because Yang's wife is pretty lethal with a frying pan.
Yang's wife: Damn straight. ^_^
Anyway, stuff happens and Kain falls off a cliff or something.
Kain: ...you want to be a little more specific?
No, I really don't. So he falls off a cliff, probably cause Yang's wife got mad and pushed him off. He falls and lands in a church because there just happens to be a church in the slums of Midgar. Not that that makes any sense or anything.
Kain: Ow.
Tellah: You spoony Dragoon! You're smashing my flowers!
Tellah then begins to pummel Kain mercilessly with his cane. Haha, beating Kain with a cane. That's funny.
Kain: Ow! Ow! Ow! No, it's not!
Tellah: You're a jerk. These flowers are sacred because they grow in a church. Look, I wear materia in my hair.
Kain: Dude, you're stupid.
And, needless to say, Tellah begins to beat the crap out of Kain again. Until, of course, Milon, fiend of the earth, comes in with a bunch of his von Muir troopers!
Milon: Hi, we want the old guy. He's an Ancient.
Kain: Yeah, he's pretty old, but I wouldn't call him ancient.
Tellah: JERK!
Kain: Ow! Ow! Ow! Okay, I'll rescue you!
So Kain rescues the flower ancient guy Tellah, who then tries to attack the author for calling him ancient. Goddamn it, Tellah, it's true, you know. Besides, you get to die at the end of this disc.
Tellah: I know, that's why I'm beating the crap out of you all before the end of this disc.
Ow! Ow! Ow! Argh, stupid mage. Where were we? Oh yeah, so Kain rescued Tellah and brought him to his house.
Tellah: No, I want to go with you, stupid.
Kain: .............why did you have to make him play Aeris? T_T
Because I like to torture you, Kain. Muahahahahahaha.
Kain: Why me...?
Oh, just wait until we get to Wall Market.
Tellah: While on that topic, let's go to Wall Market.
Kain: ...why do I have this sudden sinking feeling...?
Because this is everyone's favorite part of disc one! The part where the main character gets to dress up like a girl!
Kain: WHAT?!
HAHAHAHAHA! AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO STOP IT! Because, look! It's your dear friend Yang's wife in a cart led by Yang! YANG KIDNAPPED HIS WIFE. Shut up, I didn't do that on purpose.
Kain: ..why do we care?
Tellah: Oh, is she your GIRLFRIEND?
Kain: No. She knocked me into your church.
Tellah: SO SHE'S THE ONE. LET'S GET HER.
Kain: ....let's not.
But Tellah is good at ignoring Kain and so he drags Kain to Wall Market, where they find out that only females can get into Yang's place. Since Tellah is already wearing his favorite pretty pink dress, that only leaves Kain.
Kain: ARRRRGH, FUCK YOU!
Everyone takes a moment to point and laugh at Kain. Even me. HAHAHAHA! And the audience! If you're reading this, take a moment to point at your screen and laugh. Thank you.
Kain: I hate you. I hate you so much.
That's nice, Kain. Kain puts on a slinky black dress. Oooh, kinky.
Kain: GOOD LORD, YOU CAN'T EVEN GIVE ME SOMETHING MODEST?!
Tellah: I think you need to get your hair done and put some make up on. Yes, definitely.
Kain: ...
Kain VERY WILLINGLY goes and gets his hair done and puts make up on because he knows it'd be silly to try and sneak in to Yang's place when it's obvious he's a man. He also gets to stuff because this dress requires boobies. Weee!
Kain: Mind me while I go jump off this bridge.
Tellah: Oh, you look so PRETTY! :D
Anyway, then they go to Yang's place and some random guy leads them to Yang's outer bedroom thing place, where Yang's wife is waiting. She sees Kain and reacts interestingly.
Yang's Wife: HAHAHAHA. Oh, sorry. ...HAHAHAHA.
Kain: ...I hate my life.
Yang's Wife: HAHAHAHA. Who's this old guy in the pink dress?
Tellah: I'm not old!
Tellah, I wouldn't hit her with your staff.
Tellah: Why not?
Because frying pans are harder than staffs.
Tellah: ...point taken. I'm Tellah. I'm going to die uselessly later in the plot, pissing you all off, and then appear randomly in the ending movie. Nice to meet you.
Yang's Wife: Did you dress up Kain?
Tellah: Yes.
Yang's Wife: I can tell we're going to be friends.
Meanwhile, Yang is such a sexaholic that he can't wait any longer. He pounces over his table and lands in front of Kain.
Yang: I CHOOSE YOU TONIGHT, SWEETIE. :D ACHOO.
Kain: THE HELL?!
Yang's Wife: Excuse me, honey, but I'm your WIFE.
Yang gets beaten with a frying pan until he escapes into the inner bedroom with Kain. Kain attempts to beat himself into unconsciousness, but I'm a mean author and I won't let him. IT'S A PADDED ROOM! It also has two separate beds across the room from each other and looks suspiciously like Yang's real bedroom in Fabul castle. NO WONDER YANG DOESN'T HAVE ANY KIDS!
Kain: ...I thought you wanted me for the sex.
Yang: I know not of this sex you speak of. ACHOO. I just like your body.
Hearing this, Yang's wife bursts into the room.
Yang's Wife: That's a MAN, you freak!
Yang: Ow! Ow! Ow!
That's right, Yang's being beaten by the frying pan again. Yang hits a button and Kain, Tellah (I don't know how he got there either), and Yang's wife fall down into the sewers. Then stuff happens and there's a lot of things that go boom and suddenly, sector 7 no longer exists!
Tellah: However, seeing as you didn't explain what sector 7 is, does this matter?
Yes! And you got kidnapped! By Rubicante!
Rubicante: Why am I in this story? I was having fun destroying Eblan.
Eblan does not exist in this world. I guess the equivalent of Eblan would probably be like.. Gongaga or something. DAMN IT, SPELL CHECKER, GONGAGA IS A WORD! SO IS EBLAN!
Tellah: My old boyfriend Edge blah blah blah Eblan--I mean Gongaga...
Reader: ....that's some bad yaoi, there.
It sure is. Almost as bad as FuSoYa and anyone in the entire world. I think I just broke like.. the fifth wall or something. I didn't know this room had five walls. Huh. No really, it looks like there are only four. Strange how I can break the fifth one if there are only four. Does the ceiling count maybe?
Kain: How about we, you know, advance the plot?
Oh, right.
Porom: Hello, I don't know how I got here, but I am here. The Toroian Dancing Girls are dead.
Kain: Ah, Toroia. Not that it matters.
Porom: No, not really. Think I should hire some more?
Kain: I wouldn't worry.
Porom: All right. Well, I think I supposedly have a daughter or something, but she was never cast, so I won't worry about her either.
Damn it, I forgot Marlene. Use the Mysidian Elder or something.
Porom: O_o;;;; ....
What?
Kain: WELL, ANYWAY. I guess we should probably go rescue Tellah. They probably brought him to that place with all the stuff and things.
Thanks, Kain. You mean, they brought him to the von Muir building.
Kain: YEAH. That's what I meant. Really.
Well, too bad, because I'm sick of writing. So this act is now over. Join us next time to find out what happens next, even though if you're reading this, it probably means you've played FF7 and already know what's going to happen! But you know, of course, that you just want to know who is playing everyone as I'm WITH-HOLDING THE CAST LISTING AS I'M AN EVIL BITCH, MUAHAHA!
Warnings: (OH ALL THE WARNINGS) I have blatantly abused every single character in both FF4 and FF7. Yaoi warning. Silliness warning. And yourheadmightcaveinifyoureadthis warning. God, I'm so insane. I'M SORRY.
FINAL FANTASY VII
as performed by the cast of Final Fantasy IV
ACT ONE : PART ONE
We pan in on a train slowing down by a station. Three random Toroian dancing girls jump off the train and kick the asses of some guards there. Then a really hot blond guy jumps off the train and gets out a really big sword.
Kain: ..I like spears better.
Shut up. You get a big sword in this story. Anyway. Kain slashes with the big sword and immediately kicks the ass of some other guards.
Kain: Go me. :D
Do you like your sword now? Ha. Before Kain can reply to my commenting, however, a little girl with a gun infused on her arm jumps out of the train too.
Porom: ...This gun-arm is really heavy. x_x;
No, you have to talk the way I taught you!
Porom: Oh! That's right! This here.. I can't say these words! These are words my stupid brother would say. Geez. I'll improvise. This here gun-arm is heavy, yo.
...Five year olds are so bad at ghetto talk.
Kain: I want my money!
Porom: We're not done with the job, yo.
Kain: ..Why are you adding "yo" to the end of all your sentences?
Porom: I'm trying to be ghetto, yo.
Kain: ....
Porom: ...It's not working, is it.
Kain: No.
Meanwhile, the Toroian dancing girls have gotten way ahead so Kain and Porom have to run to keep up. But they do and they get to this big building where Porom makes Kain set a bomb. Then they have to get out of the building in less than ten minutes because that's what Kain set the time for.
Kain: HEY. If I were to set a time bomb while I was STILL INSIDE THE BUILDING, I'd have a little sense and set it for like four hours or something.
Too bad that you're playing Cloud, the psychopathic science project gone horribly wrong. ^_^
Kain: Goddamn it..
Porom: It's not nice to swear! ^_^;
And you, Porom, you're playing the person with the second dirtiest tongue in the game. Start acting like him!
Kain: Ha, ha!
Porom: ..You're worse than Palom!!
At any rate, all this mindless babbling has taken up half of the planned escape time and so now Porom and Kain have only five minutes to get out.
Kain and Porom: WHAT?!
You heard me. Run, children, run! Well, at least they're good listeners because they run like hell! Kain and Porom and the three Toroian dancers make it out of the building and, even though they have three more minutes, the bomb goes off early and detonates just as they run out the door. OOPS. Silly Kain set the bomb wrong.
Kain: I did not! You just made that happen.
No, you set it wrong.
Kain: NO, I DIDN'T.
Well, who cares now? I mean, you're out and the building's burning down and stuff. Doesn't really matter that SOMEONE set the bomb wrong!
Kain: Just.. shut up.
Porom: Everyone, split up and meet at the train station. Cause. Like. Blowing things up is a bad thing and people will be like trying to kill and stuff now. ...yo.
Kain: Okay.
So the Toroian dancers, Porom, and Kain all split up and go other random places. BUT OH NO. NOW THAT KAIN IS ALONE, HE GETS ATTACKED BY RANDOM VON MUIR TROOPS. However, since he's super cool, he slices them all to ribbons.
Kain: Yay!
However.
Kain: However?
However. In doing so, he missed the train with Porom and the Toroian dancers on it!
Kain: WHAT?!
Dancing Girl #1: Where is Kain?
Dancing Girl #2: I hope he's not dead.
Dancing Girl #3: Yeah, he's hot.
Dancing Girl #1: Hey, Porom, when do we get our money?
Porom: Uh.. later?
Dancing Girls #1-3 cower in fear from the shock of the mean words from their giant (as compared to an ant anyway) leader! I know I'm scared! Aren't you?
Porom: Oh, shut up.
Suddenly, they all hear random banging noises. But they ignore them because the fact that I made a special point as to include them in the plot means that they're not important, obviously. Naturally, just as I write that, the door swings open, proving that the banging noises were, in fact, important. And Kain flies in! Yay, Kain!
Kain: Looks like I'm a little late. ::Rufus-esque hair toss::
Porom: You big meanie! You had us all worried sick!
Kain: ...sorry.
Porom: Kay, let's go back to the hideout now that's so incredibly secret because it's in the middle of a popular bar. ...hey, that doesn't make any sense.
Of course, it doesn't.
Porom: ...why is our secret hideout in the middle of a popular bar?
Because I say so. Just go, okay?
Porom: Fine, fine..
After arguing incessantly with the author, Porom, Kain, and the dancing girls finally make it back and they all go into a bar called "Yang's Wife's Seventh Heaven." Boy, that's hard to say.
Yang's wife: Mock my bar again and I'll slam this frying pan into you head.
Porom: Kay, like today's mission was a success so we're going to do it again tomorrow.
And so they do just that. Except this time, Yang's wife goes along and she has a frying pan and that's really quite scary because Yang's wife is pretty lethal with a frying pan.
Yang's wife: Damn straight. ^_^
Anyway, stuff happens and Kain falls off a cliff or something.
Kain: ...you want to be a little more specific?
No, I really don't. So he falls off a cliff, probably cause Yang's wife got mad and pushed him off. He falls and lands in a church because there just happens to be a church in the slums of Midgar. Not that that makes any sense or anything.
Kain: Ow.
Tellah: You spoony Dragoon! You're smashing my flowers!
Tellah then begins to pummel Kain mercilessly with his cane. Haha, beating Kain with a cane. That's funny.
Kain: Ow! Ow! Ow! No, it's not!
Tellah: You're a jerk. These flowers are sacred because they grow in a church. Look, I wear materia in my hair.
Kain: Dude, you're stupid.
And, needless to say, Tellah begins to beat the crap out of Kain again. Until, of course, Milon, fiend of the earth, comes in with a bunch of his von Muir troopers!
Milon: Hi, we want the old guy. He's an Ancient.
Kain: Yeah, he's pretty old, but I wouldn't call him ancient.
Tellah: JERK!
Kain: Ow! Ow! Ow! Okay, I'll rescue you!
So Kain rescues the flower ancient guy Tellah, who then tries to attack the author for calling him ancient. Goddamn it, Tellah, it's true, you know. Besides, you get to die at the end of this disc.
Tellah: I know, that's why I'm beating the crap out of you all before the end of this disc.
Ow! Ow! Ow! Argh, stupid mage. Where were we? Oh yeah, so Kain rescued Tellah and brought him to his house.
Tellah: No, I want to go with you, stupid.
Kain: .............why did you have to make him play Aeris? T_T
Because I like to torture you, Kain. Muahahahahahaha.
Kain: Why me...?
Oh, just wait until we get to Wall Market.
Tellah: While on that topic, let's go to Wall Market.
Kain: ...why do I have this sudden sinking feeling...?
Because this is everyone's favorite part of disc one! The part where the main character gets to dress up like a girl!
Kain: WHAT?!
HAHAHAHAHA! AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO STOP IT! Because, look! It's your dear friend Yang's wife in a cart led by Yang! YANG KIDNAPPED HIS WIFE. Shut up, I didn't do that on purpose.
Kain: ..why do we care?
Tellah: Oh, is she your GIRLFRIEND?
Kain: No. She knocked me into your church.
Tellah: SO SHE'S THE ONE. LET'S GET HER.
Kain: ....let's not.
But Tellah is good at ignoring Kain and so he drags Kain to Wall Market, where they find out that only females can get into Yang's place. Since Tellah is already wearing his favorite pretty pink dress, that only leaves Kain.
Kain: ARRRRGH, FUCK YOU!
Everyone takes a moment to point and laugh at Kain. Even me. HAHAHAHA! And the audience! If you're reading this, take a moment to point at your screen and laugh. Thank you.
Kain: I hate you. I hate you so much.
That's nice, Kain. Kain puts on a slinky black dress. Oooh, kinky.
Kain: GOOD LORD, YOU CAN'T EVEN GIVE ME SOMETHING MODEST?!
Tellah: I think you need to get your hair done and put some make up on. Yes, definitely.
Kain: ...
Kain VERY WILLINGLY goes and gets his hair done and puts make up on because he knows it'd be silly to try and sneak in to Yang's place when it's obvious he's a man. He also gets to stuff because this dress requires boobies. Weee!
Kain: Mind me while I go jump off this bridge.
Tellah: Oh, you look so PRETTY! :D
Anyway, then they go to Yang's place and some random guy leads them to Yang's outer bedroom thing place, where Yang's wife is waiting. She sees Kain and reacts interestingly.
Yang's Wife: HAHAHAHA. Oh, sorry. ...HAHAHAHA.
Kain: ...I hate my life.
Yang's Wife: HAHAHAHA. Who's this old guy in the pink dress?
Tellah: I'm not old!
Tellah, I wouldn't hit her with your staff.
Tellah: Why not?
Because frying pans are harder than staffs.
Tellah: ...point taken. I'm Tellah. I'm going to die uselessly later in the plot, pissing you all off, and then appear randomly in the ending movie. Nice to meet you.
Yang's Wife: Did you dress up Kain?
Tellah: Yes.
Yang's Wife: I can tell we're going to be friends.
Meanwhile, Yang is such a sexaholic that he can't wait any longer. He pounces over his table and lands in front of Kain.
Yang: I CHOOSE YOU TONIGHT, SWEETIE. :D ACHOO.
Kain: THE HELL?!
Yang's Wife: Excuse me, honey, but I'm your WIFE.
Yang gets beaten with a frying pan until he escapes into the inner bedroom with Kain. Kain attempts to beat himself into unconsciousness, but I'm a mean author and I won't let him. IT'S A PADDED ROOM! It also has two separate beds across the room from each other and looks suspiciously like Yang's real bedroom in Fabul castle. NO WONDER YANG DOESN'T HAVE ANY KIDS!
Kain: ...I thought you wanted me for the sex.
Yang: I know not of this sex you speak of. ACHOO. I just like your body.
Hearing this, Yang's wife bursts into the room.
Yang's Wife: That's a MAN, you freak!
Yang: Ow! Ow! Ow!
That's right, Yang's being beaten by the frying pan again. Yang hits a button and Kain, Tellah (I don't know how he got there either), and Yang's wife fall down into the sewers. Then stuff happens and there's a lot of things that go boom and suddenly, sector 7 no longer exists!
Tellah: However, seeing as you didn't explain what sector 7 is, does this matter?
Yes! And you got kidnapped! By Rubicante!
Rubicante: Why am I in this story? I was having fun destroying Eblan.
Eblan does not exist in this world. I guess the equivalent of Eblan would probably be like.. Gongaga or something. DAMN IT, SPELL CHECKER, GONGAGA IS A WORD! SO IS EBLAN!
Tellah: My old boyfriend Edge blah blah blah Eblan--I mean Gongaga...
Reader: ....that's some bad yaoi, there.
It sure is. Almost as bad as FuSoYa and anyone in the entire world. I think I just broke like.. the fifth wall or something. I didn't know this room had five walls. Huh. No really, it looks like there are only four. Strange how I can break the fifth one if there are only four. Does the ceiling count maybe?
Kain: How about we, you know, advance the plot?
Oh, right.
Porom: Hello, I don't know how I got here, but I am here. The Toroian Dancing Girls are dead.
Kain: Ah, Toroia. Not that it matters.
Porom: No, not really. Think I should hire some more?
Kain: I wouldn't worry.
Porom: All right. Well, I think I supposedly have a daughter or something, but she was never cast, so I won't worry about her either.
Damn it, I forgot Marlene. Use the Mysidian Elder or something.
Porom: O_o;;;; ....
What?
Kain: WELL, ANYWAY. I guess we should probably go rescue Tellah. They probably brought him to that place with all the stuff and things.
Thanks, Kain. You mean, they brought him to the von Muir building.
Kain: YEAH. That's what I meant. Really.
Well, too bad, because I'm sick of writing. So this act is now over. Join us next time to find out what happens next, even though if you're reading this, it probably means you've played FF7 and already know what's going to happen! But you know, of course, that you just want to know who is playing everyone as I'm WITH-HOLDING THE CAST LISTING AS I'M AN EVIL BITCH, MUAHAHA!