Author's Note: So I've been holding onto this particular piece for a looonnnggg time. I wrote it around the time I finished Vampire Daddy but I never felt it was good enough to put on here. However, I have been wanting to put up a new fic for a while now and I really miss writing. I have an intense case of writer's block and ideas are kind of falling flat at the moment. Oneshots are fun, but I'm looking for an idea that will span over more than four chapters. It's easier said than done. Anyway, I decided to go back to this. I've edited it to the point that I was either going to post it on here or delete it altogether. I've spent many sleepless nights on it so I decided I'd give it a chance. And despite having a tougher time with it than other fics I've written I do like it. Most of the dialogue is taken right from the pages of New Moon. I hope it lives up to your standards of Edward's point of view. Reviews are immensely appreciated!
Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns! There I said it so now she can't come after me with a lawsuit and then take all my shoes! Stephenie can have her Mary Sues but I'd like to keep my Mary Janes(Haha shoe humor!)...I'm overtired, I'll stop...
ENJOY!
Goodbye Bella, Goodbye Moon
"Ha, banishment! Be merciful, say 'death;' for exile hath more terror in his look, much more than death: do not say 'banishment.'" I whispered in Bella's ear.
I was silent for a moment, listening as Romeo did, to Friar Laurence's sentence. I could remember when this version of Romeo and Juliet was released. Despite my lack of patience for Romeo, the actor in this version gave a poor performance. He merely executed his lines, nothing more. There was no passion in his words to Juliet. No love in his eyes. No haste in his kisses. The essence of their forbidden love suffered greatly in this version. The actors never reached beyond the frame of the camera to grab me in. To make me feel how truly dangerous and irresponsible the two lovers were being…To make me feel like I do every minute I spend with Bella.
As the movie edged closer to its definitive end, Bella shifted the afghan to nestle into my chest more. I relished in her warmth. I recited another line; her ear was warm. The heat radiating from it practically blasted me in the face with her aromatic scent. I stopped breathing for a short moment and swallowed hard. I was getting good at this; a moment is all I ever really needed anymore. And I was ready as Romeo downed the poison, "O true apothecary! Thy drugs are quick. Thus with a kiss I die."
And Romeo died. If only it was so easy…
I could feel the rhythmic shuddering of Bella's shoulders as she sobbed. Watching her take a corner of the afghan and wipe her brimming, brown eyes; they looked so forsaken. A part of me ached too.
My instinct was to protect Bella. To hurt whoever or whatever caused her to be look so…sad. But there was no real danger, and there never would be again. I was sure of that. I would always feel protective of Bella, of course. She was so fragile…
She continued to cry as Juliet unsheathed Romeo's dagger.
The salty tears slipped down her cheeks, slightly transparent, each varying in size. My tear ducts had long since dried up and I could not recall the last time I had cried as a human. Probably often, during the fever but I was seldom conscious, so if I did cry it was a call for help; as babies do. The only time I ever wished I could cry in my century as a vampire, was last spring. And the memory of the dry sobbing that wrenched much deeper than my dead organs was all too vivid; I'd wanted to kill myself.
"I'll admit, I do sort of envy him here," I said casually, taking a piece of Bella's hair between my fingers and drying the tears.
"She's very pretty." She wasn't. There was no competition between her and Bella. Why did Bella even bring it up? Sometimes she said the most absurd things! I snorted, expressing my disgust.
"I don't envy him the girl—just the ease of the suicide," I clarified, humorously. "You humans have it so easy! All you have to do is throw down one tiny vial of plant extracts…"
Bella's orb-like eyes widened in response to my statement. Did I say something wrong?
"What?" she gasped.
Carelessly, without much thought given to what I was saying, I tried to explain myself. I always said too much around Bella. But I was serious, "It's something I had to think about once, and I knew from Carlisle's experience that it wouldn't be simple. I'm not even sure how many ways Carlisle tried to kill himself in the beginning…after he realized what he'd become..." I resisted the urge to chuckle, "And he's clearly still in excellent health."
Bella twisted a bit so she could look me in the eye. Her expression was incredulous. "What are you talking about?" she demanded. "What do you mean, this is something you had to think about once?"
I couldn't understand her reaction. Wasn't it obvious? "Last spring, when you were…nearly killed…" I took a deep breath as venom flooded my mouth from the memory. The smell of Bella's blood that entered with the deep breath did not help my control. But it did calm me a bit because that smell meant that James had not won. That Bella was alive. And everything would be okay. I continued, "Of course I was trying to focus on finding you alive, but part of my mind was making contingency plans. Like I said, it's not as easy for me as it is for a human."
As I spoke Bella's eyes stopped focusing on me. They were looking beyond me to some distant memory. All the blood drained from her pale face and she looked like she was going to be sick. I watched her face attentively. Still lost in the memory. My eyes flicked at the twitch of her fingers as they traced the palm of her hand.
That memory was always fresh for me. Holding Bella's arm as she lay broken and bleeding. Hearing the sounds of her torment as unrelenting fire washed through her. Poisoned her perfectly healthy body. Begging me to help her. It had been impossible. More excruciating than she could ever comprehend. Pressing my lips to her palm, and sucking the venom out was indescribable. She was delicious. And I wanted every last drop. I had barely kept my head. I sucked until I tasted the morphine. But it was too fast. It wasn't enough. I wanted all of her. I didn't truly have the strength. I let go, but I'd tasted her blood. And it was even better than it smelled.
Sometimes, when the wind caught her hair just right or I wasn't thinking clearly, the smell would overwhelm me and I could taste her. The memory was nearly as accurate as the real thing, but never nearly as wonderfully satisfying. I was too dangerous for Bella. I always would be...
She shook her head, and swallowed, still looking slightly queasy. "Contingency plans?" Bella repeated.
Why was she making such a big deal about this? What was she thinking?
"Well, I wasn't going to live without you." I rolled my eyes. I didn't mind saying it, but it was as if she didn't know this. "But I wasn't sure how to do it—I knew Emmett and Jasper would never help...so I was thinking maybe I would go to Italy and do something to provoke the Volturi."
I could almost see the look of disappointment on Aro's face. He wouldn't want to kill me. He would strike up some sort of deal of servitude. Aro was not exactly peaceful, but he found me useful and intriguing, and would want me in his coven. However, I wouldn't have had to accept the deal since I was looking to die. I could imagine Aro's insistence. Luckily Caius wouldn't allow me to continue to exist. If I refused Aro, he would have me on fire before I could refuse again. And I would welcome the flames as they devoured my unnatural body.
The heat radiating from Bella shifted. She was angry. That much I could tell. What had I said to upset her?
"What is a Volturi?" she asked, irately.
"The Volturi are a family," I explained patiently. "A very old, very powerful family of our kind. They are the closest thing our world has to a royal family, I suppose. Carlisle lived with them briefly in his early years, in Italy, before he settled in America—do you remember the story?"
This was getting slightly ridiculous but I was determined to remain patient with Bella. If only I knew what she was thinking!
"Of course I remember." Bella was keeping her voice even too.
I decided to keep the conversation going. It was the only way I would know what Bella was thinking. "Anyway, you don't irritate the Volturi. Not unless you want to die—or whatever it is we do." I could not understand where this conversation was going.
Suddenly I was strongly reminded of the sensation of yawning. Too bad Vampires had no need for yawning. I wasn't even sure I knew how to yawn anymore. But yawning would be so perfect for this moment. Nothing would better describe my disinterest. I didn't mind talking about the subject; it wasn't a big deal to me. Definitely not worthy of Bella's reaction.
Slowly the tense heat that had emanated from her body, expressing her anger in sharp rays began to dissipate. But her eyes grew wide with horror. I had imagined this look so often last year. In the beginning, part of me yearned to see this reaction. And even now, a small insecure part of me wondered if I had finally scared her. If she would finally run screaming from my presence. But at this point I knew Bella too well. Whatever had scared her probably had nothing to do with me, like it should.
She took my face in her hands. I could barely feel her holding me, except for her inviting warmth. I held very still.
Bella's warm brown eyes, held my gaze intently, "You must never, never, never think of anything like that again!" I stayed completely still, though my impulse was to move. Now, really what was she getting so upset over? "No matter what might ever happen to me, you are not allowed to hurt yourself!"
"I'll never put you in danger again, so it's a moot point." This was not just a promise to Bella. This was a promise I had made to myself as Bella lay unconscious in the ballet studio and I was determined to keep it, no matter what that meant.
"Put me in danger! I thought we'd established that all the bad luck is my fault?" A pained look entered Bella's eyes, but the cause was a complete mystery to me.
"What would you do, if the situation were reversed?" I continued to remain calm. Eventually, this conversation would make sense to me. Bella just needed to understand, how I truly could not exist if she didn't.
"That's not the same thing."
I chuckled. She didn't seem to understand the difference.
"What if something did happen to you?" Bella's full lips trembled at the thought. "Would you want me to go off myself?"
Oh, this was her point. But that wasn't fair. I should have died in 1918! By any laws of nature, medicine or science I shouldn't exist! If I didn't exist Bella would have a normal life! She could marry Mike Newton and have lots of children. I could barely kiss her without resisting the urge to bite her! "I guess I see your point…a little," I admitted slightly defeated. "But what would I do without you?"
"Whatever you were doing before I came along and complicated your existence."
I wanted to laugh. All I did was exist before Bella. My life had no meaning. My life was one big run-on sentence. I hunted as little as possible, went to school and graduated, and moved again. The best I had hoped for before Bella was to hear one interesting thought. One small thought that didn't contain the immaturity of seventeen year olds. One insignificant thought that would add some interest to my endless nights. It was a bit ironic, how it turned out the one thought that would interest me, would be one I never actually heard. Bella was my one thought. And my life was so much more exciting because of it. To go back to my life before Bella was ever in it, would be my own personal hell.
So instead of laughing, I sighed, "You make that sound so easy." It would be impossible.
"It should be. I'm not really that interesting."
A barrage of arguments flew to my tongue. There were so many ways I could prove that wrong. And did she really have no idea how vital she was to me? How interesting she was? I began to wonder if she even understood how much I loved her. How deeply I felt for her. How just the feelings alone were so strong they were almost physically painful! Never mind the fact that there often was physical pain for me, as my throat itched for her blood to quench it.
If Charlie wasn't about to come home, I would have started to argue with Bella. "Moot point," I repeated. And that would be the end of it because I would have plenty of opportunities to prove to Bella how interesting she was. How irreplaceable she was. How my life, could simply not be so if she was not in it.
Gently, but with no explanation I moved into a more formal posture on the couch. In the same movement, I shifted Bella so that we were no longer touching.
"Charlie?" she guessed.
I smiled. The cruiser roared into the driveway. And Bella took my hand. I suppose she thought it was a firm grasp. And for her it probably was. I admired her boldness. Most, fathers would not like the idea of their daughters being home alone with their boyfriends. Much less a boyfriend who was a vampire.
Luckily Charlie had forgiven me for the events of last spring. Occasionally he would have a callous thought toward me, but that was mostly out of his own love for Bella.
Charlie walked in with a box of pizza, silently appraising the room. His mental checklist made me smirk a bit; "Cushions were in place, clothes were on, hair was neat, and Bella always looked slightly flushed so that was no indication of foul play on the couch."
Charlie seemed satisfied with his quick assessment. The fact that Bella and I were holding hands was only a blip in his thoughts. He was more curious about the afghan still draped across Bella. It wasn't the first time Charlie had seen us sitting on the couch. And every time Bella had some sort of blanket, even during the summer, albeit it wasn't overly hot or sunny so it wasn't much of a summer. Still, Charlie found this occurrence mildly strange, yet he never voiced it. It was clear being observant was a genetic trait in the Swan family.
"Hey, kids." He grinned at Bella, pleased she wasn't yet taking advantage of the time she had alone in the house with me. And pleased she wasn't letting me take advantage of the time and her, or at least that's what he was telling himself for now. "I thought you'd like a break from cooking and washing dishes for your birthday. Hungry?"
"Sure. Thanks, Dad."
Charlie started thinking about how strange it was I never ate when I was around their house. Frankly, he was lucky I didn't eat around their house at all.
I sat silently, and waited patiently while Bella and Charlie chewed their food. Chewing took so much time. That was one human necessity I was happy to live without—well at least there was one. I tried to recall the last food I ate as a human—I couldn't. I had chewed something recently, though. Well more ripped…with my teeth…Ugh…James…
James had come up quite a few times in my thoughts this afternoon. I didn't feel threatened, he wasn't a threat anymore. But something nagged at me. Something about him that wasn't quite finished yet… Victoria, I would have to find her some day, soon. She was out there somewhere…
But there were other, possibly more difficult matters, to deal with at the moment. Charlie and Bella had finished eating, so now was good a time as any to ask Charlie's permission.
"Do you mind if I borrow Bella for the evening?"
Bella looked at Charlie hopefully. It wasn't hard to gauge from her expression that she was more likely to jump off a cliff than go through with this party. She was expecting, or hoping, Charlie wouldn't let her go. This was her ticket out of celebrating her birthday—which she despised for some reason—and she knew it.
I could only hope she was wrong. For one thing I didn't know of any cliffs nearby and that worried me. For another Alice would be so depressed I wouldn't stop hearing about it for the next century or two.
Charlie didn't even think twice about it. And it was my hopes that were answered.
Wait…could a soulless, eternally damned creature get their hopes answered? I was interrupted from this train of thought when Charlie spoke aloud. I'd forgotten for a moment that he hadn't actually said anything yet.
"That's fine—the Mariners are playing the Sox tonight, so I won't be any kind of company...Here." He scooped up the camera Renee had gotten Bella for her birthday, and tossed it toward Bella. I would have reached out to catch it, before Bella even had an opportunity to fail at doing so, but that was something Charlie surely would have noticed. Instead, I waited till the camera was about to crash to the floor.
"Nice save," Charlie noted. He briefly thought about my reflexes and his daughters seeming-lack-thereof. "If they're doing something fun at the Cullens' tonight, Bella, you should take some pictures. You know how you're mother gets—she'll be wanting to see the pictures faster than you can take them."
"Good idea, Charlie," I said, handing Bella the camera.
She turned it on me, and snapped the first picture. "It works."
"That's good. Hey, say hi to Alice for me. She hasn't been over in a while." Charlie frowned slightly. He had a special place in his heart for Alice…we all did…Alice had that effect on people, despite not interacting with too many.
"It's been three days, Dad, I'll tell her."
"Okay. You kids have fun tonight." And Charlie began edging toward the living room and the TV.
I smiled, relishing in the triumph. Carefully I took Bella's hand and pulled her from the kitchen. Pleasantly, she didn't argue when I opened the passenger door of her truck for her. The truck drove like a snail. Why Bella adored the thing so much was beyond me.
"Take it easy," she warned.
"You know what you would love? A nice little Audi coupe. Very quiet, lots of power…" Just the thought of Bella driving a faster car made me press harder on the gas.
Actually Bella driving fast was a scary thought, probably not a very good idea, and if I got her the Audi I would be breaking my rule to keep her out of danger. But the thought of Bella having a car that I would probably drive often enough, that went fast…the Chevy protested again to my pedal smashing, which still didn't push the little speedometer over sixty. If we were lucky we might get to the party…six months late. Maybe it would break down…I could run faster than the truck drove. And then Bella would need me to get her a new car. Oh if only it would break down...
"There's nothing wrong with my truck. And speaking of expensive nonessentials, if you know what's good for you, you didn't spend any money on birthday presents."
"Not a dime," I said virtuously.
Bella's antipathy toward her birthday was beginning to irritate me. There was no need for an occasion to shower her with gifts, as far as I was concerned. But I suppose I could see why she would find that excessive. Yet, her birthday was the perfect occasion for gifts. And she had made rules. She was just lucky; I was a creature that didn't require sleep because I spent several nights contemplating my present. And I was satisfied. I would have rather bought her something, but I knew she would never accept it.
"Good."
I denied Bella's reasons for loathing her birthday. She was being histrionic. She probably even enjoyed her birthday a bit before me. Great. I'd ruined birthdays for her too. I was ruining her life! Bella acted like her birthday was some form of sadistic torture. She had been difficult about, everything! What was really so bad about a birthday?
"Can you do me a favor?" I asked, almost pleadingly.
"That depends on what it is."
I sighed. She was determined to remain obstinate. Like this was some terrible ordeal she had to endure. Bella didn't see how important she was to my family. How important this was. "Bella, the last real birthday any of us had was Emmett in 1935. Cut us a little slack, and don't be too difficult tonight. They're all very excited."
"Fine, I'll behave."
Her voice sounded defeated, but I could tell I'd gotten through to her, and she was being genuine. Why she couldn't just enjoy the night in the first place didn't make sense, but I wasn't about to argue.
"I probably should warn you…"
"Please do."
"When I say they're all excited…I do mean all of them."
Bella swallowed forcefully, "Everyone? I thought Emmett and Rosalie were in Africa."
"Emmett wanted to be here." Emmett had thought I was being crazy when this whole thing with Bella had started. But he liked Bella. He found her incredibly entertaining. And Bella thought she wasn't interesting!
"But…Rosalie?"
She was always so perceptive. Rosalie resented Bella, more than Bella resented her birthday. I'd tried to talk to her numerous times, but she was unapproachable about the matter. I was putting the entire family in jeopardy and every time I brought it up, the argument always ended with Alice's vision. I didn't bring it up with her anymore. In fact, I ignored Rosalie most of the time. She could be so egotistical! Yes, she had to leave to keep up appearances, as opposed to other years, because I was with Bella. And I suppose that was selfish on my part. But Rosalie was never concerned with anything that made me happy. I had rejected her when she was human, and she had never quite forgiven me, when I rejected her again when she was even more exquisite as a vampire. Luckily, Rosalie was almost always reasonable with Emmett. He didn't ask much of her, so when he did, she often obliged.
"I know, Bella. Don't worry, she'll be on her best behavior."
Bella continued to look faintly stressed. I decided to lighten the mood by changing the subject. "So, if you won't let me get you an Audi, isn't there anything that you'd like for your birthday?"
"You know what I want," she whispered.
I shouldn't have tried to change the subject! This was not a conversation I was willing to have, tonight. The subject was nonnegotiable! That wasn't a birthday present! That was a sentence! I wouldn't wish it on anyone! And I most certainly would not allow it to happen to Bella! I tightened my hands around the steering wheel and frowned. "Not tonight, Bella. Please."
"Well maybe Alice will give me what I want."
Why did she have to be so damn difficult! I growled, "This isn't going to be your last birthday, Bella."
She would have a last birthday, of course. One day, many decades from now. And then I would have my suicide…That had come up a lot today too. Did I really want to…cease to exist so badly? Well…My existence was killing Bella...
"That's not fair!"
I gritted my teeth. It wasn't fair what she was asking of me!
Alice's decorations adorned the front of the brightly lit house. The mood in the yard was serene. Bella moaned
I took several very deep, pointless breaths, mostly they kept the edge out of my tone. "This is a party. Try to be a good sport."
"Sure," she muttered.
I opened her door, and offered my hand.
"I have a question."
She was stalling. I waited circumspectly.
"If I develop this film," she fiddled with the camera in her hands, "will you show up in the picture?"
I relaxed immediately. Vampire myths were such a joke. All the stress from the car ride, and the languid afternoon dissipated. The release and relief I felt toward the unexpected question was probably more exaggerated than necessary. I laughed all the way to the front door of the house. I could hear my family assembling themselves as I opened the door. Bella walked into to a pleasant chorus of "Happy birthday, Bella!" And immediately her luscious blood pooled; deep pink puddles in her pale cheeks.
The room was over-decorated, but that was always expected from Alice. Bella was visibly tense about all of it. I wrapped my arm around her waist and kissed the top of her head. She smelled better than the flowers.
Esme was first to hug Bella carefully, and kiss her forehead. She was always hesitant with touching Bella. But Bella didn't need hugs and kisses to know Esme adored her like the rest of her 'adopted children.' Carlisle draped his arm over Bella's shoulders. He also seemed to sense how tense she was.
"Sorry about this, Bella," he stage-whispered. "We couldn't rein Alice in."
Rosalie looked at Bella but spoke to me, "You owe me!"
I rolled my eyes, in response.
"You haven't changed at all," Emmett said with mock disappointment. "I expected a perceptible difference, but here you are, red-faced just like always."
"Thanks a lot, Emmett," Bella said, the pink pools in her cheeks going crimson.
Leave it to Emmett to poke fun at Bella's mortality…as if she wouldn't remind me about this later, I thought.
He laughed, "I have to step out for a second"—even the most unobservant person would notice the wink he gave Alice—"Don't do anything funny while I'm gone."
"I'll try."
Alice skipped forward, beaming. Jasper merely smiled from a safe distance. After the close proximity he'd spent to Bella in Phoenix, our diet had become even harder for him for most of the summer. Part of the distance was because of me though. It wasn't that I didn't trust Jasper. In fact, I trusted him more than Rosalie. It was just a preventative measure. No need to risk temptation even more. And we were all risking quite enough of that every time Bella was around.
"Time to open presents," Alice declared.
"Alice, I know I told you I didn't want anything—"
"But I didn't listen," Alice interrupted, superciliously. Alice handed Bella the gift from Rosalie, Emmett and Jasper. "Open it," she demanded.
Bella opened the gift, trying to keep the look of confusion off her face, "Um…thanks."
Rosalie stopped mentally abusing me, to smile. I definitely owed her for that. She had officially gone above and beyond, what deemed behaving. I would discuss her demands with her later.
Jasper laughed. "It's a stereo for your truck," he explained. "Emmett's installing it right now so that you can't return it."
Well, if she wouldn't let me buy her a nice, fast new car, at least she would be able to blast decent music. Wouldn't make the car go faster, but we'd just hear more songs on the way.
"Thanks, Jasper, Rosalie," Bella said grinning. I wondered what she was smiling about. However, it didn't really matter, because the important thing is that Bella was smiling over a birthday present! I was beginning to wish I hadn't listened to her! I should have spent some money!
"Thanks, Emmett!" Bella called more loudly.
I could hear the truck rattle with Emmett's booming laugh. And Bella started laughing too. Wow!
"Open mine and Edward's next," Alice said, the excitement evident in her voice.
Relieved that Bella was enjoying herself, despite herself. I began to enjoy the party too. I also really regretted listening to Bella. But I'd promised.
She glared at me, her brown eyes dark with an unspoken threat. "You promised."
I was about to defend myself, when Emmett bounded through the door. "Just in time!" he crowed. Jasper edged closer than usual as Emmett drifted in behind him.
"I didn't spend a dime," I assured her. I should have, but I 'promised' and I hated to break promises. I brushed a strand of hair from Bella's face, affectionately.
She took a deep breath and turned to Alice, "Give it to me." She sighed.
Emmett chuckled with delight.
Bella rolled her eyes at me and jerked the paper under the tape.
NO! I could smell it, before she even looked.
"Shoot," she muttered, examining the damage.
A small drop of glittering ruby blood oozed from the cut. I had broken my promise. This was my present and it was the present that had hurt her. I had hurt her. I was always hurting her! This had to stop!
"No!" I roared.
Launching myself toward Bella, I flung her across the table. Both Bella and the table fell. And then the smell of her blood completely intoxicated the room…I stopped breathing…
…
"How are you doing, Bella?" Carlisle asked.
"I'm fine." Bella responded, with a little more life to her voice.
Why did she have to put on a brave face for us? Why couldn't she just be honest! Why couldn't she just come out and declare how much she despised my existence! It would make everything that had to happen after this so much more bearable! I lost my composure and my face fell.
I gently placed Bella in a chair, watching Carlisle immediately go to work.
"Just go, Edward," Bella sighed, abruptly.
My throat burned and ached all at once as I swallowed painfully, and forced myself not to grimace. "I can handle it," I insisted. I'd done this to her! The least I could do was endure some sort of torture of my own.
"You don't need to be a hero," she said. "Carlisle can fix me up without your help. Get some fresh air."
I WASN'T BEING A HERO! I was the farthest thing from a hero. I wasn't doing this for Bella's benefit. I was punishing myself. And I deserved so much worse than being able to stand beside Bella. I didn't deserve Bella!
Bella winced suddenly as Carlisle preliminarily disinfected the wound.
"I'll stay," I said.
If I left…I couldn't trust myself. Things couldn't go on like they had been. If I left…It would be for good…
"Why are you so masochistic?" she mumbled.
Bella knew me too well…And she wasn't going to make this any easier. But I wanted to suffer! I needed to suffer! To prepare…
"Edward, you may as well go find Jasper before he gets too far. I'm sure he's upset with himself, and I doubt he'll listen to anyone but you right now."
I should apologize to Jasper.
"Yes," Bella agreed eagerly, as if answering my thoughts. "Go find Jasper."
"You might as well do something useful." Alice added with her thoughts, "Because you're driving me insane! I can't see anything!"
I narrowed my eyes. They were ganging up on me. Part of me wanted to stay. To intentionally disobey their wishes. To deliberate just to a little longer. To be with Bella…before I had to start putting on an act. But this was it. This had to be it.
So I sprinted smoothly through the kitchen's back door, breathing deeply, but feeling no relief, and leaving visions of the somewhat clear future in my wake.
I should have started to run. But I had no energy for it. I could hear Alice's light footsteps as she exited the kitchen. Seeing me still in the yard she picked up an easy sprint. That's when I darted into the trees. Running as fast as my legs could carry me. Running like I had last spring toward Bella. Except this time, I was running away. Running away from the choices I had already made. Nothing mattered anymore.
I ran in no particular direction, until I was sure I couldn't hear Alice's thoughts anymore. When I finally stopped, I found myself at the boundary set by the treaty with the Quileute Tribe. How I was paying attention enough not to run across it was beyond me. I stepped behind a tree, not wanting to be seen. My timing was perfect.
Three boys emerged from the opposite side of the wood. The first boy was short and broad, with a mischievous grin plastered on his russet face. The second boy was very tall and his dark hair came just above his shoulders. The last boy, I was sure I could recognize anywhere, though Jacob Black looked a lot taller and leaner since the last time I'd seen him.
I wrinkled my nose. Werewolves always smelled so…fusty. Though these three, were different. The smell was new on them. They smelled more like damp puppies, than full-grown werewolves. Nevertheless, the odor was putrid. I took out my phone to dial Emmett, in the hopes of finding Jasper, but their conversation caught my attention and I froze to listen.
"Hey Jacob! You should invite Bella to your birthday celebration in a few months!" said the broad boy.
Jacob punched his friend lightly, "Shut up Quil or I'll beat you up!"
"Pft, as if you could take me!" Quil put up his fists, taking a defensive position.
"Would you like to test that theory?" Jacob made to do the same, but the tallest boy grabbed him by the shirt collar yanking him away. The three then continued walking.
"T-esty! So why don't you invite Bella? You're always talking about her!" the tallest boy asked.
"You can let go of me, Embry!"
"Oh, sorry!" Embry apologized, quickly releasing his friend's collar.
"Ow! Geez, do you have to hold on so tight? I think you ripped my shirt!"
Quil looked harassed, "Oh stop avoiding the question, Jake! We want to meet her! She's practically famous to us! The way you go on about her anyway!"
"I don't see her very often. She's dating Edward Cullen," Jacob spat my name looking forlorn.
"Ah, but Cullen isn't allowed on our lands!" Embry said, sinisterly.
Jacob threw his arms up in defeat, "Right, because that changes everything! I don't want to talk about this anymore, okay? So just shut up, thanks!"
"You know, Jake, you should really look into beating up Cullen instead of us, if you want a chance at Bella," Embry jabbed.
The three were nearly too far away for me to see, but a minor brawl ensued, and I began dialing Emmett again. As I waited for him to pick up, I grimaced. I didn't like Jacob Black…or his friends. But Jacob bothered me the most…there was just something about him that irked me…it was his thoughts. I had tuned them out, but the ones I caught bothered me. He really liked Bella. And despite, everything, especially the impending future, I didn't like that.
"Edward?" Emmett answered, slightly hesitant.
I could hear Rosalie muttering, "Great party! Can't wait for next year! I already know what I'm going to get her…a pack of bandages. Or maybe I should just book her a room in the hospital. Does she have a plot at Forks Cemetery yet? Well which one do you like Edward?"
I ignored Rosalie's harsh words. I didn't have energy or tolerance for her vindictiveness at the moment. "Where are you?" I asked Emmett.
"In the Jeep."
"You're in the garage with Jasper?" I exploded.
"No! Rose and I are in the Jeep. Jasper ran off toward the Quileute reservation. I figured he could use the alone time. If he went that far, he'll have to come back this way. Unless he wants to die, by werewolf breath," Emmett barked a short laugh.
"Oh…Is Alice with him?"
"I don't think so. I saw her with Esme in the backyard as I was running back. They looked kind of upset though. Is Bella okay?"
So Alice had gone to Esme with what she undoubtedly knew. Perfect!
"Carlisle was cleaning her up when I…" The word got stuck in my throat. I couldn't say it. Saying it aloud brought too much meaning to it. But it was what I was doing so there was no point in denying it, "…left."
"You left?" Emmett sounded more awed than he would have if I had endured Bella's stitching.
I felt myself rip at the seams. And no amount of stitches would be able to repair me. I took a deep breath, "Shutup Emmett!"
I clicked off the phone, not wanting to hear Emmett's response. He would say it later, anyway. Absentmindedly I dialed Jasper, hoping he still had his phone.
"Edward?" Jasper sounded relieved.
Why was everyone asking my name like it was a question?!
"I'm at the treaty line. Where shoul—"
"No, I'll meet you!"
I stood there a moment, alone, with my thoughts waiting for Jasper. The seconds dragged on. Five, anguished, minutes later Jasper was at my side. He looked back to normal, except slightly rumpled.
"You went hunting?"
"I killed a lot of deer in our area…I had to. I came here because…because I felt so weak…I was thinking of stepping over the treaty line and allowing the mongrels to devour me. I've never really thought about suicide," Jasper heaved a sigh looking disappointed with himself.
"I have," increasingly today, I added to myself. "Are you alright?" I asked.
A look of shock flitted across Jasper's face, "I should ask the same of you!"
"Jasper, I'm sorry!" I stared at my brother, in so many ways, hoping for forgiveness.
"What do you mean? I should be the one apologizing! I can't control myself!" Jasper looked absolutely flabbergasted.
"Ha, you have no idea how wrong you are about that. You have far more self control than I can say for myself."
"Wait, now I'm confused. I was the one who lost control and attacked Bella. How is it that I have more self control than you?"
I shook my head, "Because I should have stayed away from Bella in the first place."
"I thought we were past all that?" Jasper racked a hand through his tussled hair.
"Jasper…I…," I couldn't get the words out. The pain, punched my silent heart, it had never felt deader.
"Stop! I know why you're apologizing! It's because you had to choose between me and Bella? Edward, don't be ridiculous! I know you would have chosen Bella. And I'm okay with that."
I stared at Jasper stunned, "That's…That's not what I was going to say. I think—"
"It doesn't matter, I'm leaving. I'll go to Denali for a bit and—"
"But that's just it Jasper, I think we're all leaving."
"You and Bella shouldn't have to be the ones to leave!"
"No, I mean all of, us," I emphasized the word hoping he caught my meaning.
Jasper blinked, perplexed, "And how is that going to help if Bella is with us?"
I clenched my jaw, "Bella…Bella isn't coming with us." In that instant my world went completely dark. My future looked bleak…But I could hope for Bella…If I could really make this choice…There would be hope for Bella…And I would always do what is best for Bella!
"Edward, did I hurt you? Because you're not really making sense. You say we're all leaving, but Bella isn't coming with us, so how could all of us be leaving, if you and Bella—Oh!" comprehension dawned on his marble face. He shook his head, "No Edward! No! I'll go! It won't be for long. Just until it's safe for me to be around Bella again."
"When is it ever going to be safe for us to be around Bella?!" my face quivered with anger…or was it sadness?
"Edward, she's not going to be human forever. Alice—"
Suddenly Alice was flying toward us her arms stretched wide. For a moment I assumed she was going to embrace Jasper, until I heard her thoughts. She turned on me and started beating my chest with her fists.
"No! No, you can't do this, Edward!" she berated. Her pixie face was terrifying contorted with rage. She stopped her pounding to stare at me. I had never seen Alice so frightened and angry at the same time. It hurt me to know, I had hurt more than just Bella tonight. I had ruined everything!
Alice's eyes looked at me beseechingly, "I won't go! You can't make decisions for everyone! You can leave. Everyone can! But I'll pick up the pieces of what you leave behind. It's not going to be the way you think, Edward! Four months, Edward! She becomes like a—a shell—"
I didn't want to picture it. I was already resigned to the idea that this is what had to be done, "I can't do this forever and neither can she!"
Jasper put his hand on me; I began to feel a little calmer. I tried to shove the feeling off; he wanted me to see reason. "Edward, then just change her! Or does she not want to be a vampire?" he asked, adding a smirk for the last part.
I tightened both hands into fists, "Why does everything have to lead to Alice's vision?! Alice was wrong! So wrong! I was wrong! I should have kept my distance! Bella still lives, despite me! I nearly kill her every moment I'm with her!"
It was the worst kind of fate…I would not allow it…Yes, I would do what was right by Bella. Even if that meant sacrificing…everything on my part…
"This is the best way it can end. And it has to end. She hasn't died…," I swallowed hard trying not to choke on my words, "…she hasn't died yet! But if she does and we're here, it will be because of me. I have to stop killing her!"
Alice's lip trembled in a very human-way. It looked pitiful, and yet extremely unnatural. She swallowed and shook her head slowly back and forth. "No, Edward. You need to stop blaming yourself. Bella chose you too."
I began to stalk away, I wanted to hit something and hitting Jasper didn't seem fair. Though, come to think of it, that's probably what he'd expected of me.
Alice barraged me the entire run home, "If anything, you should blame me for tonight! YES! Blame me! This is entirely my fault! I wanted to throw Bella a party she didn't even want to come to in the first place! I wrapped the presents…I didn't realize what a bad idea that was—next year we'll bag everything! Tissue paper is less dangerous--and I decorated everything. The glass bowls and plates were a really bad idea, but I figured with seven vampires in the room, if Bella tripped or something—"
I didn't stop running until we were in the trees near the house, "But Alice, that's just it. She didn't trip. I threw her into the table!"
I took a deep breath, it was useless. Breathing was actually uncomfortable for me…It was too…human…And I was too much a monster…A truly stoned feeling that had nothing to do with Jasper came over me then…I was turning into a rock…No…I wasn't solid enough for that…I was empty…
"You and everyone else will have left by, tonight," my voice was hollow, exactly like I felt. I was beyond reason.
"Edward?" Jasper could tell I wasn't okay. His thoughts showed me my face. My eyes had gone dead. I shrugged, in response to my name, satisfied, with my smooth, unreadable expression. It would be enough…for tonight. "Edward, please don't interrupt me. We'll leave. But I think you should stay a bit…longer. It would make things…easier, I suppose."
I shook my head. I only had enough composure stored for tonight.
Jasper looked pleading, "But it's what's best for Bella."
I opened my mouth to argue but closed it. He was right. I couldn't just leave her tonight. Well apart of me had to. Physically I would not leave. But I was already hardening the emotional part of me. This simply had to be done and it would be done. I just needed to get through a few days…
Alice glared at me, "You are the most selfish creature I ever had the misfortune to be acquainted with! And by leaving, you'll completely be the cause of Bella's death! She'll do something reckless to get you back!"
Jasper pulled Alice to his chest as she turned to stalk away. The loving embrace seared at my insides like never before. Alice glowered malevolently at me tucked in Jasper's strong hold.
I held her gaze. "You are never to look into Bella's future again! I don't want to know anything anymore! I don't want to know her! We've done enough damage!"
I stalked through the spacious backyard toward the brightly lit house wondering how long it would be till I saw it again.
"You don't mean this, Edward?" Esme said quietly, grabbing my wrists in her iron grip so I couldn't storm into the house.
I couldn't look at her. I wasn't hollow enough for this yet. They would break me, I was sure of it. "But I'm the one hurting her," I managed to whisper.
Esme scrunched her nose trying to contain a sob that wouldn't come. Her voice shook, "Edward you're not the only one who cares about her!"
"This is what has to be done," my body started to shake from the tension and the overwhelming pain.
Esme dropped her hands instantly. I had hurt her too. I could tell. Her voice was even when she spoke again, "We'll do as you ask, but Edward this is wrong. You're not just breaking up you and Bella. You're tearing apart your family! My family!" She looked defeated, her golden eyes blazing with pain and love, "She loves you! And I know you love her back!" She let go then and looked away, "Goodbye, Edward. I'll miss you!"
…
As I walked through the shadowy dinning room I couldn't help but relish in my impeccable timing again.
"Suppose I should take you home now," Carlisle said.
"I'll do that," I said, walking slowly.
Bella stared at me, trying to read something in my face. I didn't know what, but there really wasn't anything to read. I had carefully guarded every emotion I knew I would feel when I saw Bella. The urge to leave immediately intensified as her brown eyes scanned my face. But I was determined to do this right. To do this one thing right by Bella. But was this really right?
"Carlisle can take me," she said.
"I'm fine," I stated. But the truth pressed on my chest, demanding to be set free. I denied it. I held onto the delusion that I was hollow. I had to be delusional to get through this. And I had to get through this. I stared at Bella not really seeing her. "You'll need to change anyway. You'd give Charlie a heart attack the way you look. I'll have Alice get you something." I left the kitchen.
I came back with Alice; she hurried to Bella's side, upon our approach.
"C'mon," Alice said. "I'll get you something less macabre to wear."
I was waiting for Bella by the front door. Once she reached the bottom, I held it open without a word.
"Take your things!" Alice cried.
I could see it all in Alice's head…She knew change was coming…Saw it all almost clearly now…There were only a few more details to hash out, on my end and then the vision would be clear.
Carlisle and Esme were not so subtle with their glances in my direction. I tuned out their thoughts. It hurt too much to know, I wouldn't be seeing them again for a while. I couldn't bear more pleas and concern and heartbreak than I already had. But the hardest goodbye had to wait. And it would be the most painful. This is what had to be done. I had to keep telling myself that. This was what was right! Wasn't it? I remained delusional for the most part…Continuing to feel my emptiness…My hollowness…
As I drove the car was silent. And everything was going to work out as it should…
"Say something," Bella begged.
"What do you want me to say?" I asked detachedly.
"Tell me you forgive me."
NO! There was nothing to forgive. Why did Bella always have to be like this? She hadn't done anything wrong! I had! And I was unforgivable. It would be too much to ask for Bella to hate me…
"Forgive you? For what?"
"If I'd been careful, nothing would have happened."
"Bella, you gave yourself a paper cut—that hardly deserves the death penalty."
This was exactly why I had to eradicate myself from her life. "Your fault? If you'd cut yourself at Mike Netwon's house, with Jessica and Angela and your other normal friends, the worst that could possibly have happened would be what? Maybe they couldn't find you a bandage? If you'd tripped and knocked over a pile of glass plates on your own—without someone throwing you into them—even then, what's the worst? You'd get blood on the seats when they drove you to the emergency room? Mike Newton could have held your hand while they stitched you up—and he wouldn't be fighting the urge to kill you the whole time he was there. Don't try to take any of this on yourself, Bella. It will only make me more disgusted with myself."
"How the hell did Mike Newton end up in this conversation?" she demanded.
"Mike Newton ended up in this conversation because Mike Newton would be a hell of a lot healthier for you to be with," I growled.
"I'd rather die than be with anyone but you."
It sounded like she was quoting a scene from a movie, rather than being honest with me. "Don't be melodramatic, please."
"Well then, you don't be ridiculous."
I wasn't being ridiculous! I was right and she knew it! It didn't matter anyway…I'd made up my mind. And she wouldn't die…because my decision is what would keep her alive.
I killed the engine, once we pulled in front of her house but my hands were still clenched on the steering wheel.
"Will you stay tonight?" she asked.
"I should go home." Part of me wanted to say goodbye to Carlisle and Emmett. But part of me knew this would also be my last night with Bella.
"For my birthday," she pressed.
"You can't have it both ways—either you want people to ignore your birthday or you don't. One or the other." I was stern. But she was winning me over. I would probably always choose Bella over my family, despite what I was making them do. This would be my last ounce of happiness and it had to last me until forever…or at least until I said goodbye…
"Okay. I've decided that I don't want you to ignore my birthday. I'll see you upstairs."
She hopped out, reaching for her birthday gifts.
"You don't have to take those."
"I want them," she said automatically.
What was she thinking? "No, you don't. Carlisle and Esme spent money on you." It hurt a little to say their names. To think of what they must be doing now on my behalf. I had only gotten over one hurdle tonight, and that was getting my family to leave. There were so many more. And I was already falling apart…
"I'll live." I'll be damned if you don't, I thought. Wait! Was that possible since I already was eternally damned? Could you be damned twice?
She began tucking the presents awkwardly between her arms. "Let me carry them, at least," I said as I took them away. "I'll be in your room."
She smiled, "Thanks."
My heart shred itself into a million a pieces. "Happy birthday," I sighed, leaning down to kiss Bella. I pulled away, smiling. But it was all an act. I wasn't happy. Kissing her just momentarily intoxicated me for once. This would be the end…
I strolled toward her window, gracefully climbing through it and into her room. It seemed like a long time before Bella came in. I was toying with one of the silver boxes, sitting in the center of her bed, trying to figure out exactly how I was going to do it. What exactly was the right way to say goodbye?
"Hi," I said. She could tell something was on my mind. The way she pushed the present out of my hands and climbed into my lap.
"Hi." She snuggled close, into my chest. "Can I open my presents now?"
"Where did the enthusiasm come from?" I wondered. Though in my heart I knew. I knew I wasn't doing a very good job of hiding my feelings. And I knew Bella was just reacting to my low spirits…
"You made me curious."
As she picked up Carlisle and Esme's gift, I took it. "Allow me," I suggested tearing the paper off and handing the box back to Bella.
"Are you sure I can handle lifting the lid?" she muttered.
I welcomed her sarcasm. I added it to my delusion. If only she really would hate me!
Bella stared at the paper for a lone moment. "We're going to Jacksonville?" she finally figured out.
"That's the idea," I said in spite of myself.
"I can't believe it. Renèe is going to flip! You don't mind though, do you? It's sunny; you'll have to stay inside all day."
"I think I can handle it," I said, and then I frowned. The rational part of my brain told me I wouldn't be going to Jacksonville…But I denied it. If this would be my last ounce of happiness, I wasn't going to let my decision, which was already in full action back at my house, taint it completely. "If I'd had any idea that you could respond to a gift this appropriately, I would have made you open it in front of Carlisle and Esme. I thought you'd complain." …But really, I threw you into a table and you needed stitches…So really I was the one who couldn't act appropriately.
"Well, of course it's too much. But I get to take you with me!"
I don't know why I chuckled, but it just kind of slipped out. An echo of sorts from a lighter time in my life. I would miss every joy Bella gave me more than I would miss Bella, more than I was allowing myself to realize…I shouldn't have listened to Bella's wishes. I'd already broken every other promise I'd made... "Now I wish I'd spent money on your present. I didn't realize you were capable of being reasonable."
Bella then set the tickets aside and reached for my gift. Again, I took it from her unwrapping it. Then I handed it to her.
"What is it?" Bella asked, perplexed.
I didn't say anything as I placed the CD in the CD player and hit play. Bella listened, speechless and wide-eyed as the music began to play. Tears welled up, and she wiped them away before they could spill over and soak her cheeks, with her sensuous scent. Tears were not like blood. But there was an essence. And with Bella everything to do with her blood was a little stronger for me. It didn't matter the tears were thwarted by Bella's finger. I was concerned for why she was crying. This gift had been the cause for her stitches. They were probably bothering her. The local anesthetic would be wearing off by now.
"Does your arm hurt?" I asked, anxiously.
"No, it's not my arm. It's beautiful, Edward. You couldn't have given me anything I would love more. I can't believe it."
We listened in silence a moment.
"I didn't think you would let me get a piano so I could play for you here," I explained, a little awed at how much Bella truly loved my gift.
"You're right."
"How does your arm feel?"
"Just fine."
I could tell she was putting on a brave face. She didn't want to make a big deal. "I'll get you some Tylenol."
"I don't need anything," she protested.
I ignored her.
"Charlie," she hissed.
"He won't catch me," I said disappearing through the door and returning before it closed.
Bella took the pills without compliant. I vaguely wondered what stitches felt like…I felt like I needed stitches…
"It's late," I noted. I gently tucked Bella in and lay beside her. She leaned her head against my shoulder and sighed, contentedly. This was so wrong…
"Thanks again," she whispered.
"You're welcome." But I'd done nothing worthy of being thanked tonight…It was silent as I listened to the sad, soft end of Bella's Lullaby drift into the next song…Esme's favorite. This didn't help my mood…
"What are you thinking about?" Bella wondered in a whisper.
I dithered for a moment, deciding how to tell the truth, without telling the whole truth or if I should even tell the truth at all. I decided lying was out. I wouldn't lie to her…not yet…I couldn't tell her the whole truth either…I took apart what I'd been thinking and spoke. "I was thinking about right and wrong, actually." There were so many to think about. What was the right way to say goodbye? When was the right time? Was it right to be leaving at all? How wrong I had been about ever thinking it was acceptable to be with Bella…
"Remember how I decided that I wanted you to not ignore my birthday?" she asked quickly.
"Yes," I agreed, wary.
"Well, I was thinking, since it's still my birthday, that I'd like you to kiss me again."
"You're greedy tonight."
"Yes, I am—but please, don't do anything you don't want to do," she added, piqued.
So much for never laughing again…Bella got one more out of me. So I laughed. Harder than I probably should have. "Heaven forbid that I should do anything I don't want to do," I said, desperately. I put my hand under her chin and pulled her face to mine. I decided this would be my first goodbye. The best way to do it was in pieces.
I kissed her as casually as I could for a moment and listened to the sound of her heart accelerate. And then I pressed harder, enjoying how soft and warm her lips were on mine. How her blood pulsed through them in tempo with her heart. My hand twisted into her hair. Bella began to go beyond my usual allowances but I didn't care. We held to each other fast, both anticipating for the break that would have to come…Bella would need to breathe eventually…And if we kept this up…Bella would probably end up dead…Or worse…She could end up like me…
I stopped abruptly and pushed Bella away with gentle, firmness.
"Sorry," I said breathlessly. "That was out of line."…I'll love you forever and always…
"I don't mind," she panted.
I frowned, "Try to sleep, Bella,"
"No, I want to you to kiss me again."
"You're overestimating my self-control."
"Which is tempting you more, my blood or my body?" she challenged.
"It's a tie." I smiled briefly, but knowing that was the last time I would ever kiss Bella on the lips, I needed it to linger. It hadn't really worked anyway. Bella obviously had not sensed how final that kiss was. I needed to stop pushing this more than necessary… "Now, why don't you stop pushing your luck and go to sleep?"
"Fine," she agreed, snuggling closer to me. Cleverly, she pressed her injured arm against my shoulder.
I watched as she eased into unconsciousness. She began to mumble incoherently and I couldn't tell if she was completely asleep or not. But her body convulsed as it does, when you shift from one stage of sleep to the next. And then she spoke, "Edward!" I watched, wondering if she had woken up and was asking for my help, but her breathing remained even. And then she continued, "You promised you'd love me… forever…"
I stared at her wondering, what she was dreaming. Why did she have to speak those words aloud?! I didn't think I had anymore promises to break. It was everything I couldn't bear to hear. I flattened myself on the bed and stared out the window. I couldn't see the moon from the angle I was laying. I felt…lost. Juliet had been Romeo's light; his sun. Bella was my moon… And I was about to lose her. Love, life, meaning…over.
As I lay there, Romeo's words drifted back to me. I was getting exactly what I deserved. And Romeo was right…Banishment was crueler than death.
…Goodbye, Bella, Goodbye moon.
FIN