The main thing you need to know is this is based in Season 5. Also this is not my typical Willifer fluff. So you're getting warned now.
It had been a struggle to get Henry to sleep. He had been in a new bed for couple of weeks now and it was still an adjustment getting him to stay in bed. But finally after what felt like a life time both Mommy and Daddy were sitting on the couch drinking a glass of white wine each.
"I can't believe he finally went down," Will said, for the past hour they had been running around after the one year old. He only went down when JJ hopped into bed with him and he cuddled up to her. She only moved when she heard his soft snores.
"He is definitely going to be a handful," JJ added, though compared to the horror stories she heard about children, Henry was mild.
"Luckily he's a Momma's boy."
"He is not," JJ replied, though she knew it was most definitely the case. She sat back into Will as he lifted his arm around her. But just as they got comfortable JJ's phone started to vibrate from the coffee table in front of them. "Ugghhh," she groaned, sitting back up and reaching across for her cell. Looking at the screen she was surprised by the caller id. "Mom? Hi," JJ answered the call, it was late for her mother to be calling. "Is everything okay?" She asked worried.
"Yes, everything's fine dear."
"Why are you calling then?" It wasn't as if she didn't want to hear from her, it was just a little out of the blue.
"I've been going through some of the old boxes in the attic, to see if there was anything up there to donate, and I found Roz's boxes," Sandy explained.
"Oh Mom," she let out. For the past twenty years her Mom had not been able to go near them, she wasn't even able to pack up Roz's room, her father had to. "Did you go through them?"
"I did, I thought it was time."
"Are you okay?" She asked, knowing that would have been extremely difficult for her mother to do. She wished she could have been there when she did it, just for support.
"As much as I could be. I found something you might want, though."
"What is it?" JJ asked, she already had what she had most wanted of Roz's in a little jewelry box in her work desk drawer.
"Her journal," Sandy answered.
"Did you read it?" JJ questioned.
"No, I can't bring myself to."
"I don't know if I could," JJ said truthfully. Her sister took it everywhere. She'd wanted to be a writer, so she wrote down everything.
"I'm going to send it to you, and you can make up your own mind about it."
"Umm okay, thanks," JJ said not knowing what else to say.
"I'll put it in the mail in the morning, have a good night dear," Sandy said as she ended the call. JJ sat back and looked down at the phone stunned.
"What was that about?" Will asked.
"My mom's sending me Roz's diary," she explained as she took a large gulp from her glass.
…
"Go get your Momma," Will said to Henry as he heard JJ get home for the day. Shortly after JJ was walking into the kitchen with the boy on her hip. "How was your day?" Will asked after JJ placed a peck on his lips.
"What's not to love about a day full of paperwork and reports?" JJ asked rhetorically. "Smells good," she said commenting on the pot on the stove.
"Good thing, because it's ready," he said stirring it around one last time. JJ put Henry in his high chair so she could get bowls out.
"Is that what I think it is?" She asked seeing the thick package on the table. It had been a couple of days since her mother's call, she had almost forgotten that she was sending it, but this was a big and obvious reminder.
"I assume so," he answered, knowing what she was talking about. She took it off the table and turned it around in her hands a couple of times before finally deciding to open it. It looked just as she remembered it, though how hard was it to recall a plain black leather bound journal correctly.
"I'll be back in a minute," she said taking the journal to their room. She really didn't want to have to look at it.
…
Getting Henry down for the night had been exhausting, not wanting to stay up any longer they closed up for the night and then retreated to bed. "Are you going to read it?" Will asked seeing JJ not look away from the night stand for at least the last five minutes.
"I don't know," she answered honestly.
"You should, it could give you the answers you've wanted for so long," Will said giving her a little push. He knew she wanted to know, even if the answers weren't in there it might give her a look into who her sister was.
JJ picked up the book. Her hands glided over the leather. "I can't," she said putting it back down on the stand.
"Why?"
"Because I promised her," JJ answered. Roz had told her on multiple occasions that she was never allowed to go through her diary. JJ had of course promised her older sister. And even twenty years on she felt like it would be a violation of trust if she even opened it.
"Maybe see how you feel in the morning, and decide then," Will said as he turned off the bedside light.
"I guess," she said turning her lamp off too, and then moving down in the bed until her body fit up against Will's.
…
All day JJ had been contemplating whether or not to read it, it hadn't moved far off of her mind and when they got Henry to bed for the night she finally decided to give it a go. She ran her hands over the leather after she took the journal off the night stand. She folded over the cover. This would have been the first time it had been opened in around twenty years. She could almost smell the ink her sister used as her fingers traced over 'Rosaline Jareau' on the first page. She could just imagine her sister sitting on her bed scribbling away for hours. JJ would go in after knocking and Roz would hastily hide it away out of sight. JJ had always wondered what was in there that was so important, and it was strange to think that she was about to find out.
Taking a deep breath she turned to the first page-
Today was actually a good day, the first in a while. Everything seemed to fall right into place. Jen's smile while we picked the strawberries would have brightened anyone's day. I don't know how many we ate, I just know that we definitely ate more than we brought back with us. You would have thought Mom would have been mad at us both for eating them, causewe knew she wanted to use them to bake a pie or something, but she strangely wasn't. I wish everyday could be like this, and I know the reason why it was so good. He wasn't there. He didn't have his hand 'protectively' on me. He didn't smile that smile that I've come to hate. Itwasgoodbecausehewasnowheretobeseen.
.
I sleep with my door open, he probably sees it as an invitation but I keep it like that so I know he doesn't go in to Jen's room, she's too young for that, she'll always be too young for him. So am I. But each night he comes in is one less night he goes in there. And I will do anything to keep her safe. And anything seems very literal right now.
.
You'd think after so many years I'd be used to this feeling. But each night after he leaves it all feels worse than anything. I feel dirty, violated and ashamed that I let it happen again. I don't know if he see the silent tears that fall when he's on top of me, or if he does, I don't think he cares. Just as long as he gets off, he doesn't matter who he hurts along the way.
.
I know I should tell Mom, but I have a hard time seeing her believing it. But how can she not? I'm her daughter. But Dad (can I even class him as that anymore, a Dad wouldn't do these things, a Dad wouldn't hurt his babies no matter the circumstances, a Dad would put his children's happiness and safety first before anything else) where was I? Right. He's an up standing member of the town. Everyone loves him. No one has suspected it for the last ten years, why would they believe it now?
They'd put it down to teenage attention, it's not like I have any proof. And that's hurts just as much. No one will believe the truth. No one will give it the time of day. Most days it all feels too much to handle. Too much to take. I just want it to end. But is there a way out? I know a way, but how could I do that to Mom, or Jen. I love them more than anything. I don't tell them that enough.
.
Sometimes I wonder why I write in this. The tear soaked pages do nothing but make the pain worse. I feel like he's consumed my soul, ruined me forever, I'll never feel safe again. I'll always feel like this. I'll always carry this fear around with me. I'll never feel safe around any man again. How could I? If the man who is meant to love me the most in the whole world could do this to me, why wouldn't anyone else.
.
Mom always wonders what wrong with me, but I don't thinks she's ever looked further than teen angst. She couldn't think it was the man who she shared a bed with that could be making me feel like there was no hope left in the world, that there was no happiness in sight, or that it was never going to get better.
She couldn't believe it, how could this be? She dropped the journal down on to the bed. Shock was an understatement. It explained it all. Just reading the words was hard to comprehend. It was like her whole life was a lie, and had just been turned upside down and shaken to the core. She felt sick. She felt like she was going to vomit. That was her father. She couldn't believe her father could have been capable of those things. But there was no reason for Roz to lie. No one but her was ever meant to read these pages.
"What? What does it say?" Will asked. He didn't want to pry but that display needed some explaining.
"Nothing. It didn't say anything," she lied as tears started to sting her eyes. Will didn't want to push, but he didn't want her to go internal either.
"Well then you wouldn't mind me reading it," he didn't really want to read it, he was just trying to push her buttons.
"No," she growled taking the journal in her hands and walking into the bathroom. Will heard the doors lock, and realized it wasn't the best thing he could have said.
He walked over to the closed doors and knocked. "JJ, I'm sorry," he said not waiting for a reply. "Just come out, you should talk about this."
JJ looked into the mirror after washing her face with cold water. She couldn't have read that right, it had to be a mistake. She sat on the floor and leaned up against the bathtub before she opened back up to the page.
.
He told me it was our little secret, I feel dirty and ashamed about what he does to me, he has complete control of my life and he does to me exactly what he wants. Each night I pray that he'll keep walking passed my room, and some nights he does, but they're not the nights I remember.
.
It's really becoming too much. I can't get passed this. Everything hurts. Everything. I want to say goodbye to it all. But as long as we're both still here it isn't going to stop. It's never going to stop. He'll keep coming into my room, like he's doing nothing wrong. He'll keep doing these things to me. But I can't take one more night of it.
.
I gave it to Jen today. She didn't know why, she asked, but I couldn't tell her. She still needed the innocence before it was gone forever. Even if it was just for one more night. The goodbyes are written. They don't say much, and maybe Mom will never understand, I hope that much. But he will. He will know what it can do to someone. What that 'little secret' could really do. I wish I could protect Jen from it, I really do. But I can't stop it. I don't even know why I'm still writing this, I won't be around to reread it over and over again tomorrow.
JJ slowly opened the bathroom doors to see Will sitting on their bed. As he saw his girlfriend's tear streaked cheeks he immediately got up and went to her. "It was my Dad," JJ started not being able to look Will in the eyes. Her nose flared softly as she tried to stop more tears from falling.
"What was your Dad?" JJ never talked about him, all he knew about that man was he had died was JJ was eighteen but had been M.I.A. after Roz's death.
"He-," JJ started but the words were hard for her to even say out loud. "He sexually abused her. For years."
"What?" He said in shock, he knew it must have been bad but that was worse than whatever he had been thinking. How could someone do that to a child, to their own child? What was worse was that JJ grew up having that man as a father. He reached out to comfort her, but she pushed passed him, not wanting to be touched. "JJ," he called out and went to follow her, but he thought against it. She needed time and he thought it was best to give it to her.
Five minutes later Will went looking for her, but he didn't have to go much farther than across the hall. There she was sitting on the ground at the end of Henry's bed watching him sleep. He looked so peaceful, she however, did not. He decided to just watch her, he knew she would only talk to him when she was ready.
JJ could feel Will's eyes on her, but she didn't dare turn around and take her eyes off of her son. How could someone do that to a child? Let alone their own child. How could they bring someone to life, and then ruin their life. It was heartless, disgusting and down-right just wrong. She wondered if Will would come over to her, but guessed he would give her her space.
She heard her phone ring from the other room and she slowly stood up to get it, she brushed passed Will when she left her son's room. She reached her cell just before it could stop ringing.
"Who was that?" Will asked coming into their room after she had finished the call.
"We got a case," she said picking up her go bag. If the case went straight to Hotch this late at night it meant that it was urgent and top priority.
"You can't just drop this bomb on me and then leave," he protested.
"What do you want from me?" she begged.
"I want you to tell me how you feel."
"I feel like going to work and forgetting I ever read it," she responded hostilely as she pushed passed him to leave the room.
…
She was glad to be getting away from it all for at least the night, but it was most likely going to be more. She had packed the journal, not so she could read it but so Will couldn't. She thought he knew too much, but at the same time knew he didn't really know anything. She knew he'd be worried about her, but she had to deal with this herself, and not be clouded by judgment.
She played everything as close to her chest as she could, just so hopefully the team wouldn't notice something is up, though they are profilers. But with a case their attention shouldn't be on her.
…
"Hey, are you okay?" Emily asked as she caught JJ coming out of the jets bathroom. She could tell something was up with her friend, she hadn't been her normal self since they left for the Kansas, and that had been three days ago.
"Yeah, of course, why wouldn't I be?" She answered as she scratched at her neck.
"I feel like there's something going on with you. What aren't you telling me?" Emily pushed knowing the media liaison was lying.
JJ took a deep breath, she wasn't going to tell Emily the truth. If she was going to confide in anyone it should be Will. "I'm fine, it's just something at home," she said, but realized this would lead to more questions.
"Is it Will?"
"What? No everything between us is great," she replied, definitely not wanting to give her friend the wrong idea. "And Henry's fine as well," she added before Emily could ask.
"Then what is it?" she asked worried.
"It's just some old family drama that's come back to the surface," she explained playing it down as best as she could without flat out lying.
"You'd tell me if it was anything major, right?"
"Of course," she said patting Emily on the shoulder before walking back down the aisle and taking her seat again.
...
JJ tried to slip into the house as silently as she could, she popped her head into her Henry's room to make sure he was there, and nothing made her forget about a bad case more than seeing her son, whether it was awake or a sleep. She hoped Will was asleep as well so she didn't have to talk about what was going on, but she had texted him earlier saying she'd be back tonight. She opened their bedroom door to see the room lit by Will's bedside lamp. "How you feeling?" he asked seeing her walk in.
"Tired," she answered giving him a quick peck on the lips before changing into sweat pants and a tank top.
"Do you want to talk?" He asked. "About anything," he added quickly hoping she wouldn't think he was pushing her to open up about the Roz situation.
"I just want to sleep," she answered lying down in bed. Will didn't bother to answer. He just turned the light off and moved to get more comfortable.
Every word in the diary ran over in JJ's head, but not only the words, but everything. Everything that had ever happened in the first eleven years of her life played on loop. She couldn't shut her eyes and forget, she couldn't go to sleep, she couldn't move passed it. She didn't take her eyes off the ceiling, the only time they would shut was to blink back the tears that she didn't want to form. Everything seemed to make no sense but complete sense all at the same time.
"You're still awake?" Will asked turning over to see her open eyes, it had been at least a half hour since the lamp had gone off.
"Can't sleep," she answered quickly.
"Do you want to talk about it?"
"No," she said wiping away at her eye.
"Well I'm here when you do," he assured her as he turned to face the ceiling like she was. He hated that they hadn't talked about it since she first found out. Though having a case take her away didn't help matters. When she called, their conversations had been short, and didn't waver off of Henry.
JJ wanted to tell him, she wanted nothing more than to be able to get the words out, but it wasn't that simple. She didn't know where to start or how much to share. "My Dad sexually abused my sister for years," JJ started and Will didn't dare to say a word, she finally felt ready to open up, he wasn't going to risk that. "And that's bad enough, but what's really getting at me is something that she wrote. She said it was their little secret," they both knew of many occasions when a child sex offender would use this to keep the victims quiet. "He said that to me once," she whispered, and Will's face dropped along with his stomach. "We were lying on his bed, I don't know how old I was, three maybe. I just know I was definitely younger than five. And were doing something. Kissing I think. But it wasn't the way you should kiss a child. It was far more intimatethan it should have been," JJ said trying to explain, she didn't want to say the words. It made her feel sick to even think about having her father's tongue in her mouth. "And then he said we had to stop. That it was wrong, or something like that, I don't remember his exact words. I just knew that I didn't understand. I thought I did something wrong."
"You thought you did something wrong?" He asked not understanding how she could possibly think that.
"Yeah," she nodded.
"JJ," he said resting his hand on hers. "You were the child. Roz was a child. The only person who did anything wrong was him."
"I know that now, but back then I didn't know any better. If he said something was okay, I believed him. If he said something was wrong, I believed him. If he told me not to say anything, I wouldn't. I didn't really understand it until years later. And by then I thought I initiated it, because he said we had to stop. I felt embarrassed, I felt ashamed. I felt disgusted. So I stopped thinking about it completely. But now I can't stop thinking about it," she cried as more tears escaped from her eyes.
"You did nothing wrong," he said wiping the tear away with his thumb.
"But what if I told Mom, or Roz, or anyone. Maybe-," she stopped.
"Maybe what?"
"Maybe she'd still be here."
"You can't think like that."
"How can I not?" She asked looking up to him as her voice cracked, he could see the innocence of her childhood had left her. All he wanted to do was wrap her up in his arms until the pain went away. "I don't know how I'm meant to feel," she said after some silence. "I'm so angry, but I don't know who to be angry at. He's dead. And even if he wasn't, he hasn't been in my life for so long."
"Do you want to talk about him?"
"I barely knew him. Sure he raised me, but after Roz died he didn't handle it well. He and Mom got divorced, and he drank himself into the ground. I hated going to see him and he didn't make an effort to see me, so I just stopped all together. I blamed myself for not spending more time with him when he died, but now, it's like all that relief has gone but in return I get all these other things thrown at me. And it feels paralyzing. I lost a father and a sister because of the things that he did. And my relationship with Mom always felt strained after that."
They both went silent. JJ felt like she had shared far more than she had ever felt possible. It felt good getting it out, but she also hated being seen as vulnerable. Will was glad that man was no longer in her life because he wouldn't have been able to control where his fists ended up. "Are you going to tell your Mom?" He asked breaking the silence.
"No," she answered. She had been trying to decide if she should or not and she finally made up her mind. "It'll ruin her. She'd blame herself more than she already does. I can't do that to her,"
"What if she asks?"
"I'll lie. She was married to that man for twenty years. How can I tell her that he was a monster? That he wasn't the man she thought he was? I do that enough at work, I'm not doing that to my own mother." Will understood, he leaned over and placed a kiss on her forehead, he hoped she wouldn't flinch at the touch like last time, and thankfully she didn't. She turned over to look at him as a single tear fell from her eye again. "I'm sorry," she said. She had been so distant, and he had given her the time and space she needed. He was always there for her, she never thought she deserved him.
"You never have to apologize for this, ever," he said as he rubbed his thumb over her cheek. Suddenly tears rolled down his hand. He wanted to take the pain away so much more than he wanted anything in his life. "Please come here," he hoped she would. He just wanted to hold her, and let her know she was loved and cared for. She looked him over not sure if she should move or not, but finally she shifted over to him. His arms wrapped around her body and he pulled her close. He never wanted to let her go. How could her father do anything to hurt this girl? JJ nestled up under his neck and he could feel his shirt slowly become damp.