the story of how much i need you

I just wish... I wish that I had someone who would be there for me and I could be there for him and we could just dive into it together.

The day her father died was dark and grey. It was rainy and cold, the kind of weather that robs you of every ambition to leave the house. And yet Kate Beckett had to. She got the call at 2pm sitting on her couch reading a book. Actually, it shouldn't have surprised her, after her dad had an apoplexy three months ago, he wasn't himself anymore. His left side was mostly paralyzed and although he hadn't lost the ability to speak his concentration was severely restricted so that real conversations let alone reading were almost impossible, like he had Alzheimer's. He was basically caught in his own body, Kate could barely stand watching her father vegetate like that. She tried her best not to let him bury himself in a depression but she knew he drank again when she wasn't around.

Now she stood next to his bed, next to his lifeless shell. The nurse she had hired because he needed someone to take care of him when she was at work had called her immediately when the second stroke had hit him. Kate was greeted by the paramedics leaving the apartment as she entered her father's apartment, saying their condolences passing her.

Looking down on him she couldn't cry. She felt so empty, so betrayed by life. First her mother and now her father, the only family she had left. Her gaze glued to his pale face, her hand grasping his still warm one as if to check if he really was gone. Suddenly, two big arms wrapped around her tiny body, pulled her in a crushing hug and pressed her tightly to a strong chest.

Kate hadn't noticed Castle entering the room, had no idea how the hell he heard of what happened, most likely the nurse had called him although she didn't know how the woman knew that she needed him when she didn't even know it herself.

She didn't move, just let him hold her close. A soft kiss was placed on the top of her head, but he didn't say anything. She was grateful.

The rest of the afternoon went by with her in some kind of trance, she couldn't really tell when or how she got home to her apartment, honestly didn't really care. Kate woke up sometime after sundown, lying fully clothed in her bed wrapped in a blanket. One leg after the other met the floor before she slowly pushed herself up from the mattress. Her whole world seemed to move in some terrible slow-motion that she couldn't escape, every step drawn out, she suddenly felt so very old. When she finally made it to the bathroom, Kate wished she was still walking towards it because the person she saw in the mirror wasn't herself. The pair of eyes looking at her were empty and lifeless, the face having aged within the last few hours by as many decades.

Cool water ran down her face, relieving her of the unbearable dryness she felt inside and out. Only water. No tears. Where were they?

A cautious knock on the bathroom door let her startle, eyes widening in shock.

"Kate? Are... are you okay?"

He was still here. Why was he still here? Had he been there the whole time, waiting for her to wake up?

"Can I- I'm coming in now."

The door opened and Castle's strong body filled the frame, apparently unsure if he really should cross the threshold, take a step more into her privacy. Getting no reaction from her, he started speaking to her again, weren't his words not always comforting her?

"Well, I guess asking you how you are is not the best question right now, so- "

"I... I'm tired, just so... very, very tired of everything. I can't even cry. There... are no tears. Why are there no tears?"

"Oh Kate..." he sighed, then closing the distance to pull her into him. But this time she struggled, tried to push him away, her fists bumping into his chest over and over again. "Why, Castle, tell me! I'm so angry, so sad, but I can't cry. I can't cry for my own father. Why?"

He eventually got a hold of her upper arms, gripping them firmly and steadying her until she sank together in his hold, her tensed body breaking down to a limp picture of misery. "Hey, shhh, hey, it's okay, it's okay Kate. There are no rules for grieving. You loved your father, that's all that matters, and he knows that. Wherever he is, he knows that you loved him."

And then like some knot untied itself inside her, a sob went through her body forcing the tears to flow, to stream down her cheeks, leaving a wet spot on Castle's shirt. When Kate recovered a bit she blinked through the haze of her eyes and looked at the mess of tears and black make-up on his chest. "Oh... I'm sorry... for that."

"Nothing to be sorry about." And that smirk. That boyish smile ghosting over his lips.

Castle had prepared some food (called the delivery service for some Chinese.) that was now waiting for them in the living room. Kate only took a few bites before placing it back down on the table. "Guess I'm not really hungry." She wasn't sure if she could keep it inside anyway. After the tears had faded, she always felt like throwing up. "Okay, let me just put that in the fridge, then you'll only have to warm it when the appetite is back." That smile again. So caring, so reassuring and just there.

"I think you should get some more sleep, I'll come back tomorrow to check on you."

When he got no protest from her, he added: "Want me to tuck you in?" It was meant to tease a smile out of her her, but instead of giving him one, she wordlessly stood up and made her way to her bedroom.

Following her silent invitation he entered her room after her to find her already lying in her bed. He gently pulled the blanket over her shoulder before rising a hand to her face to tuck a restive strand of hair behind her ear. Afterwards, his palm lingered there for a moment, his face closing in, his lips pressing a soft kiss to her forehead. Lifting his head to stand up, he felt her hand covering his, keeping it there.

"Stay." A whisper. Small but meaning so much more than she could say with words right now. I need you. I need you so very much.

She figured that he must have thought that her misunderstood her as he did nothing, so Kate folded back the covers to emphasize her plea.

Still keeping quiet, but now moving he went around to the empty side, stepped out of his shoes and crawled into the bed behind her, dragging the comforter around both their bodies. Reaching behind herself, Kate felt for his hand and after finding it wrapped it around her waist tugging it up to her face and covered it with hers. Then she put a kiss to his palm and said:

"Thank you for being here."

"Always."

She pulled him a little closer.

Thanks for reading. Your feedback is always appreciated.