This is the first fic I have written for the 5trueloves challenge on Livejournal. Major spoilers for the third season finale.
15) Solitude
Nothing Shines Brighter
You need to see her. You need to hear her voice. She needs to tell you that it will be all right, that you aren't crazy. She needs to make everything right, the way only she can.
You eye your phone once again. The fifth time in an hour. You wonder why it took you so long to muster up the courage to call her. Your guilt and your fear have held you back time and again, but now all you want is to hear her voice. You want to touch her face and look into her eyes once more. You want things to go back to the way they were.
She is the last thread left in your implausible existence.
You drive up and park. Catching a glimpse of yourself in the rear-view mirror, you look away. What have you become? When she sees you, will she still see the honourable man she had learned to trust? Or will she only be able to see the thin layers that have been ripped away by remorse and unreasonable passion?
You wonder if she will even come.
But she does come, and she stares at you as if you are a stranger. She looks upon you, mesmerized, like a child watching a caged beast.
You greet one another casually and you are immediately reminded of every day you spent together. You are reminded of long treks and even longer nights by campfires. You can feel it lingering still, between your breaths.
"You look terrible." She notes and you can do nothing but laugh. She's straightforward to a fault and you hope it means something. Her honesty feeds your hope that you still have a past. Maybe even a future.
You pull out the newspaper article, fumbling for any excuse, but she shoots you down swiftly and turns away.
You need to make her see, you need her to understand. She is the only one who can understand you now.
"I've been flying a lot."
"What?" She turns back to you in shock.
"Yeah that golden pass that they gave us. I…I've been using it. Every Friday night I fly from LA to Tokyo or, Singapore, Sydney." You laugh. "And then I get off and I, have a drink, and then I fly home."
"Why?" She looks at you squarely in the eyes. Why are you telling her this? Why now?
You let your whole world unfold in front of her; the shadows of your unliveable life. "Because I wanted to crash, Kate. I don't care about anybody else on board."
She studies you and you catch a glimpse of disgust in her eyes. You can't have that. Not from her.
You plead with her as best as you can, as your pain spills out like a downpour. "Every little bump we hit or turbulence, I mean I…I actually close my eyes and I pray that I can get back."
Near tears, she tries to reason with you. "This is not going to change."
You just can't take it. "No! I'm sick of lying!" She watches you fall apart. "We made a mistake."
"I have to go." She replies resolutely. "He's going to be wondering where I am."
Unheeded, you pull her closer, and you can smell her perfume mixed with something else. Someone else's scent. The rage in you builds and you cannot stop shaking. You need this to work. You need her to stop. Now or never.
She's trembling in your arms. "We were not supposed to leave." You assert.
She's hurt to see you like this. She freezes and you wonder if she wants to kiss you as badly as you want to kiss her. But she doesn't. She won't. She can't. For his sake.
"Yes we were." She releases herself from your grip.
You need her to save you. You spent your life rescuing everyone else, but now all you need is her to come to salvage what is left of your soul.
"Good-bye Jack." She turns away and heads back to her car. Your heart is breaking. She was your last hope.
You can't watch her drive away. You can't watch her leave you alone again.
"We have to go back, Kate." You call out to her, and for a moment, she stops.
You see it in her eyes then, something beyond pity. She loves you, but maybe not in all of the ways that you wanted.
But she blinks and it is gone somewhere far away. Lost. She gets into her car and speeds away as fast as she can.
Another failure. Another disappointment. Another loss. She has left you behind and now there is no one left to pick up the pieces.
"We have to go back!"