Harry P. and the Killer Banana Split

Disclaimer: After you read this if you think JK wrote it then you are sadly mistaken. Nope not her, but the plot is all mine..On with the show...er story, yeah that's it!

Harry sat in his room at #4 Privet Drive. (A/N that's where all great stories start off) He currently had blue tips in his not-any-more unruly spiked hair. It was 11:50 and he was waiting impatiently for the time to change over to midnight. No he wasn't waiting for any crappy birthday presents, He was waiting for his monthly cell phone minutes to restart. Poor, suffering Harry had used them all up and actually ran over. Hermione was rather upset with the Dursley's because the never allowed the 'Freak' to use the house phone. So alas, Harry hadn't talked to her in over 3 hours, even though it they both should have been asleep. "I gotta get a better plan" Harry grumbled. Finally after all the waiting, he looked and saw it was 12:01 "Cool, Now I can call and piss off Grangers (again). Well, at least Dan and Emma. I know Herms is probably wrought with despair."

Ring,

Ring,

Rin- "Damn it Potter!" Dan scolded as he answered the phone. "Why is it every time I start to get Emma 'in the mood' you call and I have to spend another hour pleading with her? Fuck, you'd think she'd let me use begging as foreplay."

"Sorry sir, I just don't want your only daughter worried. I know she is probably dusting old books or sniffing the pages of the new ones, just to take her mind off the fact that I might be safe and just in bed."

"Riiight! Whatever Harry, well here's Hermione. She's jumping and pawing at the phone like some crack addict trying to get her fix."

Hermione grabbed the phone "Harry? Oh my god, are you ok? The Dursley's didn't do anything did they? Are they feeding you- Wait that's Molly's line. Um, Uh, Oh Yeah, Did your battery die? I told you you should get a spare, Oh geeze Harry I was so worried, I dusted all my old books and sniffed the glue from the newer ones. I tried calling you and it just went to voicemail, Oh you probably have about 30 or 35 new ones from me. I even sent Hedwig there with an emergency letter, you should be getting it in about 3 days, just disregard it. Well are you going to say something?"

"Um… Er…Well, I used all my minutes and was waiting for more. And how the hell did you ask all that with out taking a breath? I would have taken several." He replied.

Hermione blushed, even though he couldn't see her form across the country plus it was dark in her house. (with the exception of the air freshener nightlight in the hallway.) "Well you see I can do that because of Banana Splits."

"Er, uh, duh, Banananana Splits? How in the name of Morgana's left butt cheek does a bannnaana split help you do that…er?" He asked stupidly.

"I will show you sometime if you like?" She asked with a statement which is rather cool sometimes. "But you have to wait until your birthday."

Now Harry was blushing, of course he was a teen aged, horny, Harry boy and the first thing that popped into his head was a "special" present from Miss Hermioninny Granger, his bestest friend. "Ok" he said.

"Oh Harry you are a perv." She said knowingly since she was really, really smart "You keep using all your minutes up calling 900 numbers. Which I thought was nearly impossible from your call allotted Mickey Mouse phone plan, but hey you're a wizard so stranger things happen. Oh alright, I used to enter banana split eating contests and I could eat several before I needed to take a breath. Now, I have to go put a silencing charm on my room before Mum and Dad get noisy."

"ok, but I thought we couldn't do magic outside of school" He asked even though the author didn't add a question mark.

"I can, only you can't. Um Harry I should tell you that only you get in trouble for using magic and having crazy house elves there. Even though S.P.E.W. goes against all things elvish. That's because Lord Volde- Vol ,Oh hell, Moldyshorts-who-I-can't-name, Can detect your magic. Why do you think Ginny can hex her 16 or so brothers with the Bat booger hex. (A/N author is American so he's substituting bogey for booger) Oh well, I will talk to you in exactly 3 hours. Call me at 8 am. I know our conversation should have only taken like five minutes but hey, this is a fanfic and it's written to take like five hours. See ya Harry"

With that both teens hung up and Harry flopped back onto his tiny worn bed that is described to be broken down and old, but in the movies looks like it's perfectly fine. Just as he dozed off he woke with a start, all sweaty and wrapped up in his blankets. "Ah crap, I covered up with blankets even thought it's summer, and we have no air conditioning, and all the other stories describe the weather in London like we are in the Sahara Desert. Oh well I guess I'll get up ad go do my chores for the day" Harry walked down to the kitchen to look at his chore chart. "Hey, I have a gold star from Yesterday. I wonder if my abusive relatives are going to magically change into nice caring people who treat me like a human and not like I'm Dobby."

POP!! "Is the great and wonderful, awesome, cute, sexyish Harry Potter calling Dobby for some breakfast of maybe to do his chores Dobby is getting so bored only having to work a solid 21 hour shift at Hogwarts Castle "" the little crazy house elf asked while jumping off the counter and swinging from the chandelier doing a back flip with a twist, landing at Harry's feet and hugging his leg, and nuzzeling his floppy eared head into Harry's crotch.

"Um Dobby, Er, uh could you stop hugging me and take a step back. I'm uh a little uncomfortable about the whole hugging thing, even though Hermione does it to me whenever Ron is there."

"Yes master Lord Harry Baron Potter Sir," Dobby replied "Dobby will just be making his master a nice breakfast before the mean and fat Dursley's can starve him for another week." With that Harry sat at the table as Dobby began making Harry's breakfast.

Harry looked at Dobby and began thinking. I know he cleans the bathrooms at Hogwarts, I wonder if he washed his hands after that' Harry shrugged it off as Dobby served him his food

"Dobby must be getting back to Hogwarts while Mister master Potter eats. Dobby will return when he's finished lancing the boils on Headmaster Dumblydore's ass." With that Dobby pooteded away. Harry turned up his nose at the smell from the little elves bunghole emissions. He shrugged, apparition did squeeze the shit out of you, so a little flatulence was to be expected. The pop noise wasn't caused by air displacement it was caused by popping gas bubbles. Well I guess that is air displacement, Whatever onward we go before we digress too much.

After an good English breakfast consisting of scrambled eggs(since that's the only way their made in HP land) bacon, sausage, frooty loops (store brand) Toaster pastries (also store brand, hey we gotta make some budget cuts so the author can afford his 2 pack a day smoking habit) toast, bubble and squeek (whatever the hell that is) biscuits and gravy, fried tomatoes, left over meat loaf and some clam chowder, Harry washed it all down with a butterbeer, juice, milk and a shot of fire wiskey.

Harry stood up and went over to his chore chart again. "Damn, Wash day. I hate washing Dudders dirty undergarments." An idea popped into his head "Oh Dobby!" he called.

POP "Yes oh merciful Harry potter dude?" the little greenish elf asked while wiping something on his sock that was knitted by a 15 year old girl (who has probably never knitted before ant that's why they were all different sizes, shapes and colors, some resembling a tea cozy what ever the hell that is)

"Dobby, I need some help today. Could you clean the kitchen, and do the laundry before the Dursley's wake up? It would take me inside of a couple days since you made such a big mess from breakfast and I need to practice pretending to read since Hermione will be coming to meet me at 12 Grimy-old Place tonight since I am going to have a surprise birthday party there. Even though it's supposed to make me cry from all the happiness I will be moody and depressed because Sirius died and I am now the richest 16 year old in all the galaxy. Er I will be after tomorrow that is."

Dobby looked gobsmacked, his eyes wide as basket balls even though his head was the size and shape of an American football like Stewie Griffin's. "Yes Harry potter sir, and May I compliment you on being a great and wonderful wizard who just pulled a miss Grangeyer with one really longwinded paragraph and not taking a breath."

Harry blushed at the thought of being compared to Hermione. "Oh, thank you Dobbster, If you need me, I will be up in my room trying to wandlessly do something cool like make a playboy look like a defence book to everyone but me and Ron, even though he will get jealous that I have porn and he don't." With that Harry snuck back up to his room trying not to wake his bitchy and evil relatives. As he sat there, a big ass black owl that looks like the Tootsie Pops owl, came soaring into his room dropping a letter onto his lap then it flew over to Hedwig's cage and waited for a reply and also it began munching on all the owl treats, whatever the hell those are.

Harry opened the letter and gasped, (Do people actually gasp?) He read the letter wide eyed and scared like the hero always does. Oh yeah the letter looked like this:

Harry Potter,

Since you will be 16 soon I felt I should give you a gift, Since I have tried to murder you several times and failed I will no longer challenge you to any duels, or try to trap you and fail miserably. No, instead I am going to challenge you to a contest of your choice. Be it Scrabble, Uno or even an eating contest know now boy your time is almost up. Oh and Harry, Die you half-blood filth that actually has more magical blood than me since my mum was a total muggle.

Lord Voldemort

Evil mastermind, Deluded Killer, and Salsa Dancer Extraordinaire.

c.c. Wormtail, Bella, Umbitch and Dumbledore

"Oh no woes me, I guess it's all my fault, Oh well I guess I will conveniently train with Hermione and challenge him to a banana split eating contest." Harry got mad at not thinking of this first "He scribbled a letter back to Moldyshits telling him to meet at Florean Fetescues one week after next week.

After almost two weeks, 100 banana splits and lots of Rocky theme music for inspiration, Harry was ready to face Voldemoron. "Oh do be careful Harry." All the women said to him at the exact same time.

"No Worries, wait that's Aussie. What I meant to say was Never fear, no that's not it either." His jealous but best friend Ronald patted his shoulder and pushed him out the door.

After an hour had passed Albus entered, wearing his usual lilac robes with flowers and stars on them. He was levitating the semi-unconscious body of Harry. "Oh Harry, Hermione screamed, What did he do to you?"

Albus Brian Wulfric Percival Dumbledore, supreme mugwump, yadda, yadda and all that (Who usually got his 3 middle names mixed up) held up his hand (inadvertently dropping Harry) "Never fear Miss Granger, Vomitdork was far worse than our Young Harry here." He said cryptically. Since everything he said was a damn riddle. No not like Tom Riddle either!

Molly Weasly rushed up and crushed the living hell out of Harry, who was now rubbing his belly and head, with a huge hug. After she released Harry, and he stopped blushing from her huge cannons in his face, she proceeded to "fatten him up" even thought he had just consumed about 30 banana splits effectively beating Moldywart, who lost since he choked on the 29th cherry and died.

After a grand celebration with lots of cake and pranks from the twins, who the author couldn't afford to pay for even a cameo, they all went to bed happy. Well Ron was still jealous since the great and hungry Harry potter and consumed more sweets in the past 2 weeks than he had ever seen.

Epilogue:

Harry , Ron and Hermione got old. Ron and Harry didn't speak much after Hermione decided to take Harry up on his offer of "Tasting the Potter family Banana Split" and then they all died. Well Harry and Hermione died together in bed, Her choking on a banana and him from a massive heart attach from eating too many Banana Splits. Who care how Ron died, probably from trying to eat Ginny's pigmy puff, Arnold the 47th.

Fin

Yeah I know it's silly but hey, it's kinda parodyish (Well not really). Please R&R, or not.