Snape's secret diary written by Chuck Norris
Snape being a very ugly little boy, he had no friends and it was hilarious. One day James Potter even kidnapped and sacrificed him in the glorious name of Satan. Yes, those were very rough teenage years, but Snape always remembered he had his grandfather's pocket watch which had been with him ever since world war 2, and as long as he had that, he would be happy. Unfortunately it turned out the pocket watch was a fake and was filled with cocaine, which would explain that it wasn't a pocket watch at all, neither did it look like one or even tell the time. In fact, a more accurate description of this "pocket watch" would be that it was a bag of cocaine with the words "Pocket Watch" written on it so nobody would notice.
James Potter decided one day that he would really like a pocket watch, so he went up to Snape, shot him in the face and took it, Snape was very sad because his pocket watch was the only thing he ever loved. His parents, even though they didn't care about him at all because it's hilarious, decided that they would buy him a delicious puppy. Snape said yeeeeeeeea because he always wanted someone to love him. So they went to the puppy shop, put a puppy in a carrier bag and drove off. Well, at least they told Snape it was a puppy shop, to this day he always had suspicions about how the puppy already had a collar with the words "ROVER" imprinted on it, along with an address and number that wasn't his. Anyway, after the twelve hour drive home, they let the puppy out of the bag and it was very happy.
Snape's puppy was purple and reminded him of Ronald McDonald for some reason so he called it that. His family not caring about him at all, they took him and Ronald McDonald for a drive to the toy shop/ pet shop and dumped them on the side of the road to die. Snape found a unicorn, at which point he realised he had snuffed the pocket watch and was on the ground unconscious naked, covered in puppy blood. Snape then realised he was a speck of dust on a planet with a population of 7 billion, which was rotating around a sun which was one of millions in a galaxy which was one of millions again in an infinitely expanding universe. This epic realisation caused his head to explode killing his puppy in the process. Snape cried and cried about his puppy dying. His parents and James Potter thought it was hilarious. If you are laughing right now you are a monster